Rejection phobia

[ABdude]

I know the topic of rejection has come up a few times, but to be honest I would like a personal take on it.

As the above title suggests, I seem to have a fear, actually a phobia of rejection. This is not just rejection of the opposite sex, which is, I will admit a not-so-small problem, but rejection in general, be it from a guy, a girl, a child, a job, heck even over the internet. Whenever I do get rejected for whatever reason, the first person I seem to blame is myself. I think to myself that it is something I did or the way I acted that caused a person to reject me in whatever form. It never really occurs to me that it might be the other person, or circumstance that causes the rejection.

Ironically, I have felt rejection almost all my life. As a child I was the person everyone (including the other social rejects), picked on. I have been rejected from more than one woman, and have been rejected from hundreds of jobs I have applied for. You would think that after all this time I would become desensitized to it all but in fact the reverse is true. Every time I feel rejected for whatever reason it brings back all of the other rejections I have felt over my lifetime.

Bottom line, I seriously think that if I do not put a stop to this fear that I will go insane. Does anyone have any tips on how I can finally overcome this fear?

[uberinquisitive]

Everyone is afraid of rejection. Even the most confident people don't enjoy it. NO ONE GETS USED TO IT! Humans are social animals, and rejection back in the caveman days meant certain starvation. It seems like life and death, even in today's modern society. So, be kind to yourself - rejection isn't something you become de-sensitized to.

Are you in therapy?

[Michael Chui]

Optimism.

First: realize that no matter how many times you've been rejected, you've also been accepted many times.

Second: rejection is not bad. It means you're not a good fit. That says something about you, about them, and about your mutual approaches to one another. Treat it as a lesson, an opportunity, rather than a judgment.

Third: develop a ritual. Write it down in big letters and pin it up on your wall. Say, "

In cases of rejection: I will...

• Withhold judgement. It's not anyone's fault.
• Walk in their shoes. What's it like from their perspective?
• Remember who I have been accepted by. There are good things about me.

"

It might help.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Optimism

Seconded!

Don't walk around thinking that Rejection is your middle name. It may take some effort initially to focus on the times when you weren't rejected, but eventually it will become second nature to be oriented towards success - which is a much nicer position to be in!

[sunj]

I feel for you. I was made fun of by at least one person every year of my school years. I was so scared of rejection that I would never state my opinions. I would never ask for something from anyone. I was very passive. I would always stay quite as to not bring attention to myself in fear of being a target. During my senior year I had to do something. I started to say small things here and there. At the end of the year I was ok-ish with talking to people, but not the with popular guys and definitely not any girl.

In college two years went by, I kept on improving my social skills. Third year I was so fed up that I decided that I would have to do something. I did something that a guy online advised. He told me to walk up to 2 girls a day and ask for the time. I did that for 3 weeks. I felt I wasn't making any progress so I decided to take it up a notch and actually approach girls.

I still remember that day when I made my first approach (January 13, 2005). I could've submitted to all the excuses, it was freezing cold out, it was the first day of the semester, and other excuses. I walked around campus to look for a girl to approach. I saw a girl sitting alone on the bench reading a book. My heart was pounding so hard, someone could probably hear it from 5 feet away. I walked up to her and asked her "Are you single?". She gave a weak answer "No." I said "Okay", and walked away. (I know it was a weak approach, but it was good for starting off on my journey.)

My heart was still pounding two hours later after I had made that approach. I was writing it in my journal and part of me couldn't believe that I had done that. From that day up until now, I've approached about 250 women (I kept count until I reached 200). I've been rejected LOTS of times, but I learned something from all of them, sometimes immediately and sometimes several months later. At the beginning of this year I reached a breaking point. I went to downtown on a Saturday afternoon to find the place where I was going to have my interview. I was crossing a street and there were these two girls at the other corner. They were walking by and I said in a cheeky way "You're not suppose to be crossing like that." They looked at me and just kept on walking. I thought to my self "What the F#&K?!" (Again, I now know that this was a weak approach. Keep reading to find out why...) A few weeks later it occurred to me from that experience that it was nothing personal. If they didn't get my joke, how is that MY PROBLEM? If they didn't want to talk, HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM? If they didn't like me even before I said anything, HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM? How does their opinion of me make me any less of a human? You have nothing to loose. Even if there are people around see you get rejected, their opinion doesn't matter. If they think you are a looser than they're most likely immature, and they're trying to mask their own shortcomings and insecurities.

Few months back I was in a mall with a guy that I met from a friend. We had some things in common. I saw a group of 2 girls, one looked very hot in a black dress. I said I wanted to approach her but there were too many people around her. Once in a while I get a strong feeling of fear, not sure why considering I've done 200+ approaches, but for whatever reason one day it's there and doesn't come back until a month later. I told him I was scared, he said do this blah blah blah. I don't remember what he said, but he was trying to make it seem like it was a no-sweat situation for him. I said why don't you approach her. I said it so I could learn something from him. He declined, and I approached her. I made small talk, but couldn't keep the conversation going so I left. We walked out the store and he started saying stuff like "I've already got 2 girls I'm dating and I want to kinda take it slow for now". I thought whatever. The next few times I saw him, I paid more attention to him and the more I realized that he was all talk and no walk.

From my approaches I learned that rejection doesn't really mean anything, and most importantly that it's nothing personal. From my weak approaches I learned that I wasn't getting rejected because of who I was, but because HOW I was approaching them. For my very first approach, I was scared s#$tless and I didn't know what to say. Fear goes away the more you approach. And when the fear goes away you don't have to think much at all on what to talk about. Because you don't think it's going to be the end of the world if she rejects you. If I was in the same situation now, I would've started by asking her what book she was reading.

For the second weak approach I mentioned above, there were a few things in play. First is, I wasn't loud enough. Second, I said what I said right when they were passing in front of me. For example, in some cases you may see a girl you like walking down the street during the day. She's going south and you're going north. You have to say something before you two are side-by-side, the point right before you pass each other. When you are 3-4 feet away from passing each other, say what you want loud enough so she can hear you. Stop walking when you start talking. If you don't stop she won't stop. If she can't hear you she won't stop. During the day people are in their own world when they are walking, eating, or whatever they are doing. Women won't expect a man to approach them during the day. It's so rare to see a guy approach a girl during the day. So it's important that you speak loud enough (this does not mean yelling) so you know she'll hear you, and you'll have her attention. If you don't know what to say, then ask for directions or something, or make something up. This doesn't mean make up a huge lie. If you know your way around the place you are at, you can still ask for directions. But don't go saying that you are from out of town and have been lost for 5 hours. Your second option is to be direct with her and let her know you'd like to hang out with her sometime. This is hit or miss; you'll know immediately if she likes you or not. This can work out majority of the time if you are good looking, well known, or she just likes something about it. I said majority and not always. I've known guys who were good looking but still got rejected.

I just wanted to mention the mechanics of an approach to demonstrate that you're more likely getting rejected because of HOW you are approaching them, rather than WHO you are as a person. Here's a quick list of some that I've experienced:

- Don't walk up to the girl from the back. It creeps them out thinking you were following them. I scared the hell out of this one girl when I walked up from behind her and just said hello. I was confused as hell about what I did to scare her like that. I laugh every time I remember it now.
- Don't put your hands in your pockets. It's a sign of nervousness. Also some women may think you have a gun or a knife in your pocket.
- Don't fidget with your fingers or anything that you are wearing or holding in your hands. It's another sign of nervousness. Just keep your hands to your side or you can hook your thumbs into your pockets. Hooking your thumbs is fine, but having your whole hand in your pockets says something different about you.
- Don't talk too fast, sign of nervousness. Just talk the way you talk with people you've known for years that you get along well with.
- Don't walk too fast, sign of nervousness. Walk at calm pace.
- When talking to a woman that you just met don't stand too far or too close. Stand about 1-2 feet from her. And lean your body back a little by putting one foot forward. It shows you are relaxed.
- If you take a step closer to her and she takes a step back, STOP and take a step back. Just keep talking and let her get comfortable and take another step towards her a minute or two later. If she does the same thing again, wrap it up and leave. She's not comfortable for whatever reason and you'll be 100% guaranteed a rejection if you advance further.
- Make sure you groom you hair, your breath doesn't smell, your shoes are clean, your shoes match your belt, and your clothes are clean.
- Don't tilt your head down in supplication, fear, or nervousness. People who walk around with their heads down or look down all the time don't look confident and happy. If you are walking down a flight of stares of course you'll look down. You don't want to fall. But if you make eye contact with a person and they look down, they have low self-confidence, they are nervous, or they are supplicating to you. Your reaction should be to look the other person in the eye and smile and say hi. This creates a warm vibe, and you should do it with everyone, girls, guys, old people, kids, anyone who makes eye contact. Some will smile back, some won't. You don't have to talk to them you are just being friendly.
- Don't talk in a needy voice. This makes you look desperate.
- Make changes to your lifestyle. Don't listen to sad songs, don't watch sad movies, don't keep anything in your house or your room that is depressing. Only watch funny movies, and TV shows, but don't watch them if it's about a guy who can't get women, it's not funny. Pictures of your old girlfriend, take them out. Clean your room up. Brighten your room, don't keep it dark.

When I got fed up of my life, I slowly stopped watching TV and listening to sad songs. I started to watch only funny movies and stand up comedy. I watched a lot of The Simpsons and The Family Guy. It cheered me up and I started to take most of the things in my life not so seriously.

[sunj]

(continued...I exceeded 10,000 characters in my post above)

Try to do two things from the list everyday. Don't do everything at once, you'll just overwork yourself. When you become self-confident and you are no longer approval-seeking from women or men, you will naturally stop the nervousness habits. Don't worry, it takes time. It took me 3 years. There will be exceptions to the Do's and Don'ts I stated in that list. There is a small group of women who will think you're a player if you aren't nervous around them. It's because every guy they've dated that wasn't nervous around them was a player. You can't change their past.

One thing I want to make clear is that, DO NOT SEEK VALIDATION FROM WOMEN, MEN OR ANY OTHER EXTERNAL SOURCE. Validation should come from the inside. If you think having a girlfriend or having hot women around you makes you a man, that it makes you worthwhile, that it validates you, you are going to have a rough life. You are the only one that says how worthwhile you are. You are only valuable if YOU think you are valuable. Trust me on this. I'm the same person that I was back 3 years ago, the only thing that has changed is my perspective, how I see things and how I react to them. I don't have loads of money, good looks, nor am I famous, but I assure you when I approach a woman she will never think that I am lacking something in my life.

Your main question was how do you get rid of your fear of rejection. Fear goes away by repeatedly doing what you fear. I have also given you tips on how to reduce your rejeciton rate. So this is a two-pronged approach. You will be reducing your rejection rate and you will also be ridding yourself from the fear by approaching women.

ONLY WITH PERSISTENCE WILL YOU ARRIVE AT SUCCESS.

P.S It may seem like I have gone overboard with my response, and his one simple question turned into all this. I wanted to help him out the best I could because I went through the same thing he is going through. So ABdude, take what you need from my post, and come back to it when you feel stuck again.

P.S.S. This is a very long post so I will need to revise it to fix the grammar and spelling errors. I'll also have to make sure it's easy to read. I have some long sentences in which you can get lost.

[4Mind4Life]

Suggestions: If you are afraid of rejection, go out and get rejected...

Check out the book "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyways." I know it will help you! Probably the most effective tool to deal with fear.

I think you also have some low self-esteem. Exercise, take fish oil (I take 3.6 grams daily) Nature's Made and have found it helpful to eliminate virtually all of my fears, and do some alpha neurofeedback and or brainwave entrainment (probably 10 hz alpha) w/ the program Neuro-Programmer 2. All of these things help with fear and will probably completely eliminate it if you continue them for awhile.

Whatever decision you make for overcoming this problem, I wish you the best of luck!

Originally Posted by ABdude

I know the topic of rejection has come up a few times, but to be honest I would like a personal take on it.

As the above title suggests, I seem to have a fear, actually a phobia of rejection. This is not just rejection of the opposite sex, which is, I will admit a not-so-small problem, but rejection in general, be it from a guy, a girl, a child, a job, heck even over the internet. Whenever I do get rejected for whatever reason, the first person I seem to blame is myself. I think to myself that it is something I did or the way I acted that caused a person to reject me in whatever form. It never really occurs to me that it might be the other person, or circumstance that causes the rejection.

Ironically, I have felt rejection almost all my life. As a child I was the person everyone (including the other social rejects), picked on. I have been rejected from more than one woman, and have been rejected from hundreds of jobs I have applied for. You would think that after all this time I would become desensitized to it all but in fact the reverse is true. Every time I feel rejected for whatever reason it brings back all of the other rejections I have felt over my lifetime.

Bottom line, I seriously think that if I do not put a stop to this fear that I will go insane. Does anyone have any tips on how I can finally overcome this fear?