Trouble with my father.

[martin]

First let me start by saying I'm 15 years old. Maybe my age has something to do with this.

Anyhow, my father is someone that I have a hard time getting along with consistently. I feel like I don't do anything to deserve the treatment I get from him. I live with my mother because I couldn't handle living with him anymore. When I was younger he used to hit me a lot and break my things. Don't get me wrong, things weren't horrible all the time, but they could get really bad. So I moved to my mother's to escape the constant chaos at my father's.

My dad and I started to get along again recently, and we would hang out sometimes on the weekends. It was nice. He seemed to be making an effort. It was like moving over my mother's somehow made him want to be nice to me again... maybe he was hoping I'd move back over his place.

But after hanging out for a couple weeks he became his old self again. He would try to make me feel guilty for everything. If I ask him to drive me somewhere I automatically hear "you think I'm your personal driver". My dad makes it seem like he does a lot for me, when in reality he doesn't. My mom pays for everything, and she doesn't even ask for 'child support' from him.

Also, he tends to get angered easily. For example, today he wanted me to come over and help him with putting up his Christmas tree. I told him it would be better if we could do it the next day (I had things planned) and he got angry and hung up on me. I called him back asking why he hung up on me and then he hung up on me again. I kept calling him back til he answered his phone because I was just really confused about why he was so angry and he then answered saying "stop harrassing me" before hanging up on me again.

I moved to my mother's to leave behind this kind of nonsense, and it worked for a while... but it seems like it's just happening all over again.

I want to get along with my dad, but he just seems a little crazy. I know I'm a good person, and I don't see what I do wrong to deserve the treatment I get. I know there has to be something else bothering him...

Anyone have any advice? What could I do to change things? Thanks in advance.

[Jim11]

He used to hit you a lot and break your things? hangs up on your continuously? Don't bother worrying about what you're doing; I'm sure you're not the issue. If he wants to be a reasonable person and spend some time with you then he will come to you

But if he's going to act ridiculous then you're better off without that.

If you'd like to spend some time with him just make it clear you're open to do so if he's going to act reasonably

What you can do to change things:
Just tell him exactly how you feel, and if he still acts out of line then there's nothing YOU can do about it.
Ask him specific questions like "why are you treating me this way when I'm just trying to spend some time with you and and/or help you out?". Hard to give specific advice without knowing all the detail

good luck

[UHF]

Hello Martin. 'You can't choose your parents'. Your Dad has personal problems and seems to swing between guilt and anger. He sounds like he's trying to be a Father and can't really manage it. Your only 15 and shouldn't be shouldering his nonsense, you haven't done anything wrong and probably won't be able to do anything right. Maybe things will improve as you get older and he'll cool off.

Jim11's right, have you spoken to him about how you feel and his behaviour? Remember your Dad has personal problems that he may not be able to talk about easily. These are not problems that you've caused.

[cdn2wheeler]

Personally, I'd be very, very careful about tellling him how you feel about this sort of thing. I know it's supposed to be the best way to handle this kind of stuff, but based on my own personal experience which is eerily similiar to what martin is describing I'd think twice about sharing feelings.

Seems that martin's dad, as has been suggested, is having trouble with the whole role of being a father. As such, he probably - even likely - has it ingrained in him that sharing feelings is a sign of weakness. That's not the case, of course, but in his mind, sharing feelings is for encounter groups and wimpy people who can't manage to fix things on their own.

Martin, you can't change him. You also don't know what sort of demons he's wrestling with right now. He probably felt hurt, angry and betrayed because you moved in with your mum instead of staying with him.

You might suggest going to a family consellor with him because you want a better relationship, but frankly I doubt whether he'd be receptive to that. Might be worth a try though.

[Love]

Hey Martin!

It is so hard when you want your dad to be like one of those nice TV dads on TV and yours just... isn't. My dad is like that, too--doesn't really understand what it means to be a father or how to be a father. Like others have said, these men are working on issues of their own. It's my opinion that they need alone time to settle them. I told my dad to leave me alone (more nicely). I send a birthday card, but that's about it. He knows I love him. I just can't be swept up in his mess. My opinion, personally, is that you shouldn't have to get swept in your dad's conflict, either. Children are not supposed to solve their parents problems, no matter how they much they love them and wish them well.

[martin]

Thank you guys!

[ChangeYourTree]

Originally Posted by martin

First let me start by saying I'm 15 years old. Maybe my age has something to do with this.

Anyhow, my father is someone that I have a hard time getting along with consistently. I feel like I don't do anything to deserve the treatment I get from him. I live with my mother because I couldn't handle living with him anymore. When I was younger he used to hit me a lot and break my things. Don't get me wrong, things weren't horrible all the time, but they could get really bad. So I moved to my mother's to escape the constant chaos at my father's.

My dad and I started to get along again recently, and we would hang out sometimes on the weekends. It was nice. He seemed to be making an effort. It was like moving over my mother's somehow made him want to be nice to me again... maybe he was hoping I'd move back over his place.

But after hanging out for a couple weeks he became his old self again. He would try to make me feel guilty for everything. If I ask him to drive me somewhere I automatically hear "you think I'm your personal driver". My dad makes it seem like he does a lot for me, when in reality he doesn't. My mom pays for everything, and she doesn't even ask for 'child support' from him.

Also, he tends to get angered easily. For example, today he wanted me to come over and help him with putting up his Christmas tree. I told him it would be better if we could do it the next day (I had things planned) and he got angry and hung up on me. I called him back asking why he hung up on me and then he hung up on me again. I kept calling him back til he answered his phone because I was just really confused about why he was so angry and he then answered saying "stop harrassing me" before hanging up on me again.

I moved to my mother's to leave behind this kind of nonsense, and it worked for a while... but it seems like it's just happening all over again.

I want to get along with my dad, but he just seems a little crazy. I know I'm a good person, and I don't see what I do wrong to deserve the treatment I get. I know there has to be something else bothering him...

Anyone have any advice? What could I do to change things? Thanks in advance.

I think you did a great thing by moving out of his house.

I also think you don't need him in your life right now. When people emotionally and physically abuse us, we can't allow them access to us any further.

I would write him a letter to the effect of:

"Dad,

I love you.

I don't appreciate the way you treat me. Your actions on many occasions amount to nothing more than physical and emotional abuse. I will not allow you to subject me to that.

When you hit me and yell at me I feel pain. When you fail to control your words and your anger, I feel sad and distant.

Dad, if you continue to act this way I will cut off all contact with you. I will not talk to you on the phone, in person, or on the internet. I will not respond to your requests. I will not visit you.

---Signed"

The next time he starts into it, you walk out or call someone to come get you. After that, it's over. Not forever, but for a very long time. long enough for him to get the point (months or years).

The next thing I want you to understand is that these issues are his problem, not yours. You are not responsible for controlling his behavior, fixing his problems, etc. You are only responsible for protecting yourself.

You sound very intelligent. I wish you luck.

[martin]

Originally Posted by ChangeYourTree

I think you did a great thing by moving out of his house.

I also think you don't need him in your life right now. When people emotionally and physically abuse us, we can't allow them access to us any further.

I would write him a letter to the effect of:

"Dad,

I love you.

I don't appreciate the way you treat me. Your actions on many occasions amount to nothing more than physical and emotional abuse. I will not allow you to subject me to that.

When you hit me and yell at me I feel pain. When you fail to control your words and your anger, I feel sad and distant.

Dad, if you continue to act this way I will cut off all contact with you. I will not talk to you on the phone, in person, or on the internet. I will not respond to your requests. I will not visit you.

---Signed"

The next time he starts into it, you walk out or call someone to come get you. After that, it's over. Not forever, but for a very long time. long enough for him to get the point (months or years).

The next thing I want you to understand is that these issues are his problem, not yours. You are not responsible for controlling his behavior, fixing his problems, etc. You are only responsible for protecting yourself.

You sound very intelligent. I wish you luck.

I really like your idea. I'll give him another chance, I'll do everything right, but if for some reason he lashes out on me again, I'll write that letter to him. Thank you so much.