Open relationships - how do they work?

[emeraldbaby]

After reading sunlit07's thread, I got curious about the propositions,

"you can be truly in love with someone and see other people at the same time"

and

"you can have multiple relationships and be there for all your partners"


Could I have some personal examples to back these up? or to elucidate the ups-and-downs of an open relationship compared to a normal relationship? how does this differ from polyamory?? and how do you balance your life around more than 1 partner? (on top of work, family, friends etc).

I'm not for or against open relationships, I'm just curious. Personally I'd prefer to see someone and allow that person the freedom to date (but not sleep with) other people until (and if) we fall for each other. I'm not terribly interested in having more than 1 sexual partner at one time, not just for safety reasons, but also because it takes so much time and concentration to be with one person...

if you have had actual experience with open relationships, would you mind sharing them? thanks :-)

[MmeIntentional]

Having just split from a 5 week relationship I think I will go for an open relationship. My exbf who was playing the field + had tons of problems.

Anyway I never was a fan for open relations because it was not me and didn't feel the need to date more than one person. About 6 yrs ago when I split with my then bf I met a nice young man. I was not ready for a relationship so we both agreed we could see who we wanted. It worked out very well because there was more honesty in general even if we were bothe honest people. It was less stress free etc. It didn't bother me if he had sex etc. with another because we both had an understanding.

Where as my 121 relationships had less trust etc. (all depends on the person of course) and teh fact that my there was cheating etc was more painful than anything because my my trust was betrayed plus got an std

Also when I was in an open relationship we had no need and didn't want to sleep with anybody else. So I say if you love someone set them free to love someone else and they won't go very far.

[cdn2wheeler]

Recently I found myself in the situation of focusing my attentions on a fine young lass who was interested in seeing and being with other men. That's not what I wanted - I was looking for something committed and monogamous - but I went into it with my eyes open, condom-covered and decided to let it play out based on this:

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

So I say if you love someone set them free to love someone else and they won't go very far.

Oh yea?

I got dumped. Like, hard.

[MmeIntentional]

cdn2wheeler, Your story sounds like the ex that I was talking about. I was dumped but I know he still wants me back but wants to still play at the same time. Off course he would die if I was to to the samething with him if we were in an open relationship.

He was a player who got played by his own stupid game by falling bigtime in love with me. (which is abit no no for players) Hew was more into me thatn I was into him then his bubble bursted and he felt gulity for his messing around.

Anyways I told him that my door was always open to him as a friend only. However we have had some nasty words exchanged since we split but He was still ready like a lapp dog to come back to me. I know for a fact he will but I don't think I want him back because he is a bit to mad ...yes in the mental health sense for me to want him back. he is only 7 mins away an I know he will contact me again for a full on luv thang. I know I can't love ihim in tha same way anymore. He is on the back burner but I have bigger fish to fry.

[laciemn1]

Eurgh, speaking from my own beliefs what my friends say, it doesn't seem like it's too bad of an idea. It depends really. I think it would probably be less stressful and more honest, I'm just not sure how many people could actually deal with the issues it might cause.

I mean, you're bound to be insecure and scared your partner would fall for someone else?

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

I mean, you're bound to be insecure and scared your partner would fall for someone else?

This could happen even if your not in a open relationship. This is what happened to me

[laciemn1]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

This could happen even if your not in a open relationship. This is what happened to me

I guess this is true, I just find myself questioning if I'm really the most important person. Like, if you two just casually date other people, it takes people that are extremely confident in the other person's love for them to trust someone in those situation.

[Rose of Cairo]

You can be insecure and scared that your partner might fall for someone else in a monogamous relationship too. And it can happen in a monogamous relationship too. It can happen everywhere, at any time. Your partner can meet someone else at work, on the street, while buying bread, at the gym... I mean, security or insecurity is inside of you, it doesn't depend on what your partner does.

From my PoV, imprisoning your partner and forbidding them things is not a solution to your own insecurity. Many relationships I see out there are not based on love, but on fear and dependency. They say they're in love and explain their monogamous relationship this way, but when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, don't you? Is forbidding them things and treating them like an object that you own a good way to make them feel free and happy with you?

I don't know, that's just me. Maybe that's because I tend to be in love with several men at the same time. Maybe that's just a naive ideal, but I think you can be really committed and there for your partner while seeing other people or having more than one relationship.

I never had an open relationship, but I had a double relationship once. I mean, two at the same time. I wasn't cheating, I asked both guys if they agree before doing it. One of them had no other relationship, and one of them had another girlfriend. When she needed him, I didn't mind him staying with her. If one of them needed me or had a problem, I was there no matter what. Being there for more than one person is not a big deal. I do that for all of my friends too.

Plus, when you have two partners it's not necessarily the case that these partners never see each other and hate each other, so that you have to choose whom you will see. You can spend time all together. Peace and Love

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I wasn't cheating, I asked both guys if they agree before doing it. One of them had no other relationship, and one of them had another girlfriend. When she needed him, I didn't mind him staying with her. If one of them needed me or had a problem, I was there no matter what. Being there for more than one person is not a big deal. I do that for all of my friends too.

Plus, when you have two partners it's not necessarily the case that these partners never see each other and hate each other, so that you have to choose whom you will see. You can spend time all together. Peace and Love

It's always refreshing to see someone who doesn't feel such a need to place shackles upon other's hearts. To me, having more than one person in your life facilitates loving each person for who they are, not needing them to be EVERYTHING for you. Plenty of people have experienced being with one person and suddenly finding themselves caring for someone else.

The idea of open/multiple relationships is simply that loving someone new needn't require abandoning the person you're already with if you still care for them. It also allows for partners to be honest about their desires and experiences, rather than feeling a need to hide liaisons from one another. An open/polyamorous relationship is very different from cheating, and for it to work a more conscious commitment/interaction is required for things to go smoothly.

Not everyone will go for a non-monogamous relationship, and you're better off not getting into what that says about how evolved they are. Respect their feelings and decide whether you're okay with being in a strictly one on one relationship with them or if you need to move on. (this last paragraph is just general advice, not directed towards anyone in particular who has posted on this thread)

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by openeyes

you're better off not getting into what that says about how evolved they are

Uuuhhh don't get me wrong on this one! I said nothing about that!!! Just to make it clear.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Uuuhhh don't get me wrong on this one! I said nothing about that!!! Just to make it clear.

I believe you. I considered putting a disclaimer on the last paragraph to say "this part is not directed towards anyone on this thread, it's just general advice". In fact I'll do that now ...

[laciemn1]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

You can be insecure and scared that your partner might fall for someone else in a monogamous relationship too. And it can happen in a monogamous relationship too. It can happen everywhere, at any time. Your partner can meet someone else at work, on the street, while buying bread, at the gym... I mean, security or insecurity is inside of you, it doesn't depend on what your partner does.

From my PoV, imprisoning your partner and forbidding them things is not a solution to your own insecurity. Many relationships I see out there are not based on love, but on fear and dependency. They say they're in love and explain their monogamous relationship this way, but when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, don't you? Is forbidding them things and treating them like an object that you own a good way to make them feel free and happy with you?

I don't know, that's just me. Maybe that's because I tend to be in love with several men at the same time. Maybe that's just a naive ideal, but I think you can be really committed and there for your partner while seeing other people or having more than one relationship.

I never had an open relationship, but I had a double relationship once. I mean, two at the same time. I wasn't cheating, I asked both guys if they agree before doing it. One of them had no other relationship, and one of them had another girlfriend. When she needed him, I didn't mind him staying with her. If one of them needed me or had a problem, I was there no matter what. Being there for more than one person is not a big deal. I do that for all of my friends too.

Plus, when you have two partners it's not necessarily the case that these partners never see each other and hate each other, so that you have to choose whom you will see. You can spend time all together. Peace and Love

I don't understand! When I think of the one I love being in love with someone else, it just breaks my heart!

How can you deal with that?

At the same time, I can understand it a little bit, because although I love her, I sometimes feel things for other people as well. It's so hard! I've never been in a relationship where you had to be faithful to your partner or whatever. My situation is kind of like...we love each other, but we don't really talk about what happens with other people. It's like don't ask, don't tell. It's so disturbing for me sometimes, but other times it's just fine and it's what I want. I'm okay with non-serious stuff, but if I were to think about her regularly sleeping with/dating someone, it just makes my heart ache a little.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

I don't understand! When I think of the one I love being in love with someone else, it just breaks my heart!

...

I'm okay with non-serious stuff, but if I were to think about her regularly sleeping with/dating someone, it just makes my heart ache a little.

Can you actually form that ache into words? What is your heart saying when you think of that?

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by openeyes

The idea of open/multiple relationships is simply that loving someone new needn't require abandoning the person you're already with if you still care for them.

Eli, I really, really like this. Very succinct - well said!

Yay! (throws a handful of confetti)

[laciemn1]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Can you actually form that ache into words? What is your heart saying when you think of that?

I can try. Right now, I'm not completely in-tune with that emotion, I was at that moment, but I can try to explain.

You know the other person loves you. They've told you, you've had all your good times together, you tell each other how wonderful and lovely they are, blah blah blah. You know she loves you, you know you love her. That's all well and good until you figure out she is interested/loves someone else.

You feel foolish. You don't feel respected, you feel like all that stuff about how special you are isn't true anymore. You think, wow, if she lied about that, if she loves someone else, then everything that happened could be a lie or no longer applies.
You think that, instead of thinking of you every night before they fall asleep, they think of someone else. There you are, still thinking of her, she's thinking of someone else. You get hurt, you grow cold.


Then there's the other side, when YOU like someone and wish to pursue her. You're torn between the two. One day, you're completely infatuated with Person A, second day you don't see Person A, you see person B and you are completely sure of how much you love them, you don't think of Person A. Then you get overwhelmed with emotions and go into hiding and avoid the situations all together.

In the end, it always comes down to one person for me.

Well, this is my personal experience obviously.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

That's all well and good until you figure out she is interested/loves someone else.

So, an open relationship is one where you figure out that she is interested/loves someone else, and it's not a bad thing. In fact, assuming this other person isn't creepy or nasty, it's even a good thing.

What you're doing, effectively, is carrying the assumption that if someone loves one person, she cannot love another. Is that really true? What if it's not? Can you love more than one person? Why or why not?

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

So, an open relationship is one where you figure out that she is interested/loves someone else, and it's not a bad thing.

An open relationship is where things aren't left to be "figured out" - hopefully, your partner would have told you when they first started to have feelings for/be attracted to this other person. Honesty, integrity, and communication are vital.

[laciemn1]

Those things are pretty easy to say when you aren't living through it and it's your only experience.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Eli, I really, really like this. Very succinct - well said!

Yay! (throws a handful of confetti)

Thanks For me it's always been fun to be able to talk to people I'm seeing about others I find interesting and for them to be able to do the same, often in a rather playful manner. At times I've even found myself helping to set them up with friends

Several months ago I remember picking one up from a date with another friend, a lesbian, with the friend kissing her goodbye as she got into my car so we could go watch a movie and have wine at my place, and then a couple weeks later at a party she saw another friend of mine that interested her, talked to me about it, and I happily gave my approval for her to go out with him. I love seeing people I care about pursuing their happiness.

All of it goes well with the abundance mentality. There's plenty of love to be shared (and somehow the sharing itself increases it), why try to hoard it?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

Those things are pretty easy to say when you aren't living through it and it's your only experience.

It's an option. Enjoy life, or suffer through it.

[laciemn1]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

It's an option. Enjoy life, or suffer through it.

Everything isn't an option, I've tried accepting it. Sometimes it's fine, other times it isn't.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

Everything isn't an option, I've tried accepting it. Sometimes it's fine, other times it isn't.

True. Not everything is an option.

This, however, is.

A third option would be to buy a love potion, I guess.

A fourth option would be to leave off relationships altogether.

Right now, you're choosing to suffer. That's your choice, conscious or not, and I'm not going to stop you from making it. I'm simply going to point out the other options. I'd recommend enjoying it, though. It's much less painful.

[laciemn1]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

True. Not everything is an option.

This, however, is.

A third option would be to buy a love potion, I guess.

A fourth option would be to leave off relationships altogether.

Right now, you're choosing to suffer. That's your choice, conscious or not, and I'm not going to stop you from making it. I'm simply going to point out the other options. I'd recommend enjoying it, though. It's much less painful.

I think...the whole "love" thing just took me by complete surprise. I got into this mess around a year ago, and I'm still completely confused by love and relationships. Many times, when I'm more easy-going and probably more well-balanced, jealous and insecurites barely faze me. However, I have phases...sometimes I'm completely independent of people, then suddenly I get lonely and I'm emotionally needy, which disgusts me in itself. I've always hated clingy people, yet I find myself being that way, then feeling ashamed.

There's nothing wrong with open relationships. I could definitely cope better, if my emotions weren't so heavily invested right now.

I do sometimes have an idealistic, romantic way of thinking. The, "We need each other to live" kind of way of thinking. However, I notice when I'm NOT with this particular person, I am far less idealistic and extremely unconcerned with things like that. I'll still be interested in people romantically, just in a more controlled way, and having an open relationship under those circumstances doesn't seem like a bad thing.


Why is there a link to Deianira in that post?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

Why is there a link to Deianira in that post?

Because of her central story: "As he lay dying, Nessus lied to Deianira, telling her that a mixture of the semen that he had dropped on the ground and his heart's blood would ensure that Heracles would love her forever. Deianira believed his words and kept a little of the potion by her. Heracles fathered illegitimate children all across Greece. When she became uncertain if Heracles would remain true to her in his fashion, Deianira smeared some of the blood on Heracles' famous hide shirt. Heracles' servant, Lichas, brought him the shirt and he put it on. The centaur's toxic blood burned Heracles terribly, and he threw himself into a funeral pyre. In despair, Deianira committed suicide by hanging herself."

Myths are things with morals.

A similar story is this one. Also Greek. Medea (play) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Less death. More pain.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Less death.

Don't you mean more deaths? There's at least four deaths in the play (Glauce, Creon and Medea's two sons) versus two in the myth of Deianira (her and Heracles).

At any rate, Greek myths always appear to have both morals and deaths in the plenty.

[emeraldbaby]

Hi all,

it seems that some people are less attached to the idea of being with one person, and therefore are open to loving many; and when they have a relationship with a like-minded person (i.e. not lying to them or using them as a spare tyre), then an open relationship can work. However I now have questions about love.

I haven't had an open relationship, but based on my personality I think it would only work if I loved my partners, but not in love with them. I had a girlfriend once that I loved and admired as a person, but I didn't fall in love with her and so wasn't very attached, and I can imagine having that kind of feeling for more than 1 person.

So my new question is, for those in or have been in open relationships, do you feel that love to be the same as being in love? do/did you love your partners as human beings that you admire and get on with, with 'falling in love' a potential likelihood, depending on how things play out?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Don't you mean more deaths? There's at least four deaths in the play (Glauce, Creon and Medea's two sons) versus two in the myth of Deianira (her and Heracles).

My mistake.

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

So my new question is, for those in or have been in open relationships, do you feel that love to be the same as being in love?

No. In my book, loving someone is not the same as being in love with someone. The former is an action, a choice being made and a process followed through. The latter is a condition, a state of being; ironically, to me, it sounds sterile.

I'm not sure on what basis you're suggesting that "falling in love" is somehow a good thing, so I have to question the implication that it's at all better.

[emeraldbaby]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

My mistake.



No. In my book, loving someone is not the same as being in love with someone. The former is an action, a choice being made and a process followed through. The latter is a condition, a state of being; ironically, to me, it sounds sterile.

I'm not sure on what basis you're suggesting that "falling in love" is somehow a good thing, so I have to question the implication that it's at all better.

I like your definition. :-)

I actually tried not to come across as saying 'being in love' is better'! haha. It's just my preference. I get a different joy from 'loving' and being 'in love', I don't expect the same from other people, that's why I'm curious about how others think or feel.

Writing this out has made me realise what I really wanted to ask was commitment. To clarify, I don't think it's 'better' to commit or otherwise, I just want to know the level of commitment people can go to in open relationships.

e.g. if I fall in love and make a commitment, I'd stick with someone through illness. But if I just love them as a person, then I would help but I doubt I'd sell my house, quit my job etc etc to look after them. Basically, I wouldn't do everything I can do.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

Writing this out has made me realise what I really wanted to ask was commitment. To clarify, I don't think it's 'better' to commit or otherwise, I just want to know the level of commitment people can go to in open relationships.

Exclusivity isn't the same thing as commitment. For instance, the number one excuse to get out of doing something is to say, "I already have a commitment." The easiest way to dissuade an ethical suitor? I'm married.

If someone is committed to two people, is that more or less committed than someone who is monogamous? Granted, it is certainly harder to be committed to the second, third, or fourth person; just so: it is recommended that families with two present adults have no more than two children: one per adult. But isn't the achievement of a harder task a sign of a larger, not smaller, commitment?

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

e.g. if I fall in love and make a commitment, I'd stick with someone through illness. But if I just love them as a person, then I would help but I doubt I'd sell my house, quit my job etc etc to look after them. Basically, I wouldn't do everything I can do.

I don't think you're not talking about commitment; I think you're talking about priorities. Who, or what, you put first in your life. Do you put a particular person before your house or career? Do you put your country before your wife, your parents, or your children? Do you put your religious beliefs before your social status? What comes first?

Of course, prioritization carries with it the assumption that the two options are different in the first place. Is owning a home actually a different thing than caring for a sick friend? Is holding down a job the same thing as giving him companionship and peace? Maybe it is. Maybe it can be. Perhaps selling your home is the worst thing you could do to your lover; perhaps quitting your job isn't so much a sacrifice on your part but rather a loss on their part.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by laciemn1

I can try. Right now, I'm not completely in-tune with that emotion, I was at that moment, but I can try to explain.

You know the other person loves you. They've told you, you've had all your good times together, you tell each other how wonderful and lovely they are, blah blah blah. You know she loves you, you know you love her. That's all well and good until you figure out she is interested/loves someone else.

You feel foolish. You don't feel respected, you feel like all that stuff about how special you are isn't true anymore. You think, wow, if she lied about that, if she loves someone else, then everything that happened could be a lie or no longer applies.
You think that, instead of thinking of you every night before they fall asleep, they think of someone else. There you are, still thinking of her, she's thinking of someone else. You get hurt, you grow cold.


Then there's the other side, when YOU like someone and wish to pursue her. You're torn between the two. One day, you're completely infatuated with Person A, second day you don't see Person A, you see person B and you are completely sure of how much you love them, you don't think of Person A. Then you get overwhelmed with emotions and go into hiding and avoid the situations all together.

In the end, it always comes down to one person for me.

Well, this is my personal experience obviously.

Yes your right. It always comes down to one person for me too! That's all I want at the end of the day. But no one can control who they feel attracted too...but you can control your actions.

Right now I'm in a weird situation as I was dumped last week AND as soon as I backed of he his looking for some sort of contact (all though be it be via msn) He still wants something from me. However ther was no honesty on his part so I have just moved on....Well I had no choice but to. Just for respect for myself.

The the weird thing is that I've got a hunch that we wants me back (well he did tell me before that he didn't want to split but needed space. then it got too much as he was playing around then dumped me) but I always remain rock solid with my hunchies and do nothing but to move on and detach.

To have an open relationship as a spare tyre, play games etc. will never work. It will just get nasty bigtime!

I had an open relationship about 6yrs ago because both of us at the time was travelling etc. and it only lasted a few weeks but we kept in contact for sometime after via phone but I broke it off because I started to have strong feeling for the guy which I didn't want.

The last relationship I was in a just days ago ...well I thought I was in a 121 relationship but he had an open relationship with his gf but they made it clear to eachother that they would not sleep together while with another person. So I'm not flavor of the month and that stinks because it was just a game for him. The funny thing was that he lost because he made the mistake to fall inlove with me. The silly fool. He kept on asking me for more but he didn't say what he wanted as it was him that was playing.


I would strongly advise not to get into an open relationship unless you able to keep a distance. Otherwise someone will get hurt. Then again as i said before this can happen in a normal 121 relationship as well. Like with any relationship, if you don't have trust, you have nothing.