worried about boyfriend/relationship

[sunlit07]

I've been with this guy for almost six months now and we've been in an open relationship for three months. We go to colleges in different states and seeing him is hard. When we lived close i would see him frequently and everything was very good. He was always there for me and I could count on him. He was reliable and someone i could trust.
During the first two months of us being apart things went pretty well with the ocassional ups and downs. he would tell me how much he missed me and he would either call or we'd talk online. I've noticed that he's changed in a way. I dont know if it's just the whole college thing for him but he's been telling me he's lost all focus on life. He does not know what he wants in life anymore and things aren't going too well for him in school. He's also taken up drinking regularly, which he said he never did when we lived close. When i went to visit him, he met me at the airport smelling of alcohol and i felt really uncomfortable about it. Not saying theres anything wrong with drinking, but getting drunk every night is not acceptable.
Telling me his feelings are hard for him and saying "i love you" means a lot. Because of this, when he says it, i believe him and i think he's being sincere. We are in a long distance relationship but i dont like the whole "open" relationship. I've asked him if he wanted to try a closed relationship again and he said he is not ready to commit like we had been before. He said he doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. It hurt when he said this. I can't understand how you can love someone with all your heart and not know if you want to be in a relationship with them or not.
I'm sorry if this is long I don't know if i should stick it out or end it. I feel hurt and confused. My boyfriend always seemed so together and focused on life. I'm worried about him. He seems to be the complete opposite now and i dont know what to do. Should i say goodbye?

[UHF]

Long distance relationships aren't easy and you don't sound particularly happy. When a relationship gets to a low point after just six months, it probably doesn't pick up. Six months isn't that long to get to know someone though.

I don't see how a long distance 'open' relationship works other than just calling someone 'my boyfriend' and possibly going to bed with them when you see them. If either of you are seeing other people, then is this anything other than non-serious? Perhaps I'm old fashioned but you can't love someone in the true meaning and openly see other people. It does sound like things have fallen apart easily for him at the first sign of difficulties. Is this an indication of the future? Is this the first time at college? It is a difficult time for many people and it doesn't suit everyone.

You seem to be half-way towards making a decision? You don't have to spend half your life trying to make somebody else's worthwhile. Don't feel guilty.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by UHF

If either of you are seeing other people, then is this anything other than non-serious? Perhaps I'm old fashioned but you can't love someone in the true meaning and openly see other people.

yep! you are old fashioned.

I think you can truly love someone and see other people. You can even truly love various people at the same time. But that's just me

Anyway, I think it's possible that he truly loves you but doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship with you, sunlit07. Loving someone doesn't automatically mean that we want a relationship with that person... Looks like he's in a big crisis now. He probably needs some space for himself to sort his thoughts and get out of there before being able to have a relationship. Unfortunately I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to help him.

The question for you is: do you want that? You said you don't like this open relationship and aren't comfortable with his drinking. He's been very clear: he's not ready to commit more. I find it great that he was honest to you, and you have to respect his decision. Now it's up to you to decide. If you're not satisfied with this situation, leave.

Good luck to you!

[UHF]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I think you can truly love someone and see other people. You can even truly love various people at the same time.

Open relationships are really just sex based though, which is not really a relationship. They hint at inadequacy. Wanting someone to be reliably there when it suits, but also wanting to go off with other people when it suits. These sorts of things aren't ever symmetrical or stable, which is why they don't really exist for long and not in any real culture. It simply patches up a situation until the right person comes along.

To love someone truly and healthily, I think there has to be symmetry and they need to be there for you, not when it suits them. Actually I don't think this is old fashioned, even though I could be.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by UHF

Open relationships are really just sex based though, which is not really a relationship.

oh, really? Have you ever had one? How do you know it's always the case? That's an assumption I don't agree with. And a huge generalization.

Originally Posted by UHF

To love someone truly and healthily, I think there has to be symmetry and they need to be there for you, not when it suits them. Actually I don't think this is old fashioned, even though I could be.

You can have an open relationship and be there for your partner. You can even have multiple parallel relationships and be there for all of your partners.

When you have more than one friend, you're there for all of your friends, aren't you?

[Angela]

I completely agree with Rose that it's perfectly possible to be in an open relationship and still be there for your partner(s).

In this case, though, it sounds like Mr. College Boy is simply not available for a relationship, not a Loving, Mutually Beneficial Relationship like sunlit07 wants, anyway. He has told you that, sunlit07, as best he can through the haze of his self-absorbtion, confusion, and substance abuse. Actually, those qualities themselves might indicate to you that he's not available for an LMBR. You are there at this point for him as a floaty ring, not a partner. Asking you for an "open" relationship at this point, it looks like, is simply his way of having the safety and comfort of you, but without the mature, mutually beneficial intent of a real LMBR. That's fine for him, but not so fine for you, I don't think.

I think you would be wise to respect him and to honor yourself by withdrawing completely from him and focusing on your own studies, desires, life path, dating, and pleasure. Allow College Boy the freedom to figure out what he needs to figure out. I don't think you want to be a long-distance, "open" albatross around his neck -- that's not real good for a girl's wa! Nurture your own wa, go out with some new nice men at your own college, nurture some great relationships with women, and mostly with yourself. It sounds to me (pardon me for presuming) that you have some issues with trust, and a great place to start with that is learning to trust yourself.

You don't *get* love from other people, you *generate* it for yourself, and then you have it forever, regardless of the actions or emotions of others. You can trust that -- once you see it for yourself.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

[UHF]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

When you have more than one friend, you're there for all of your friends, aren't you?

Totally different type of relationship, though. Friends and lovers do not share the same privileges.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

You can have an open relationship and be there for your partner. You can even have multiple parallel relationships and be there for all of your partners.

'Sorry darling, I'm staying with so-and-so tonight. Speak to you later...' As I said, history shows they don't work for long and not in any real culture. They're ephemeral. No one likes their love diluted before they receive it or to be that special person #3 and where does trust come in? This is the foundation of love.

Originally Posted by Angela

I completely agree with Rose that it's perfectly possible to be in an open relationship and still be there for your partner(s).
....
Asking you for an "open" relationship at this point, it looks like, is simply his way of having the safety and comfort of you, but without the mature, mutually beneficial intent of a real LMBR.

I agree totally with your advice to the poster, I feel the above is a contradiction though and affirms my view about open relationships being superficial.


I'm not going to say any more about it in this thread as we're really not going to agree on any part of this, are we! Just tell me to get back to the 1950's.

[Rose of Cairo]

UHF, I didn't mean to offend you and I'm sorry if I did. I didn't mean that you should go back to the 50's for not wanting an open relationship. It's perfectly ok if you want a monogamous relationship, many people want that and I absolutely respect your choice.

What I found old fashioned was that you think it MUST be this way for everybody else too. You're making a whole bunch of negative assumptions about open relationships and generalize a lot, although you obviously never had one. I don't agree: this is a very subjective and individual choice, where there is no right and wrong and must-be-this-way-or-else-it's-no-true-love. There are enough successful, happy polyamourous relationships to prove that other models are viable too.

But since sunlit07 does not like an open relationship, it's not relevant to discuss this topic, indeed.

[sunlit07]

thanks everyone. Yeah i just needed to vent and get other people's opinions on the situation. You all were very helpful! thanks so much

[UHF]

That's alright, sorry about the irrelevant digression. Good luck, enjoy college and don't look back.