Feeling numb - just split up

[MmeIntentional]

My new bf and I just split up a few hours ago. We were only together for one month. We loved eachother from the start but didn't want to admit etc.

He told me that I was too many insecurities (aload of rubbish) as it was him transfering all his crap on to me because he was lost in his life. I was more insecure about that fact that I loved him and didn't want to get hurt. Well we both were freaked out. Plus I was not happy about his friend messing things up.

His best friend(so called) was messing things up by planting a sead which grew. His best friend was totally obbessed with me in a sick way which freaked me out bigtime!

He also had cancer 5yrs ago but still smokes and drinks very heavy, which bothered me so much because I cared about him...it's only natural.

I didn't fight to save the relationship because I felt that he was looking for a way out because he was deeply inlove with me but freaked out. So we were both in the same boat.

Anyways we did talk last night but he was very cold and this morning he just snapped at me.

We never had much time apart from when we first got together because he was totally besotted with me and I loved it too.

Now everything has gone pair shaped and I don't think we will get back together even if I really want to because he was so moody, snappy etc. to the ponit that I could say that he is depressed but didn't want to do anything at all about it because he didn't want to face going to the Dr's etc. so it was easier for him to end our relationship.

The truth is that I want him back but I feel I can't do anything but to set him free. He clearly already knows that it's not my pride but his as I have tried.

What more can I do apart from writing a gratitiude list etc. to think more positive about what we had in the short time.

Sorry to go on but I needed to air this

Any thoughts would be welcomed

Thanks
Mme.

[cdn2wheeler]

Sorry to read this mme.

There's nothing you really can do apart from what you already mentioned (gratitude list, etc.) and even that isn't going to deaden the pain entirely.

I'm not going to sit here and blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you "it's all for the best" and "it's a learning experience" and other such rubbish. Point is that you're hurting right now and such patronizing ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ is both insulting and useless.

So feel free to vent, cry, and do all the rest. You will get over this (you already know that) but you have to walk through the dark tunnel first. There's no easy way.

Good luck.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Sorry to read this mme.
I'm not going to sit here and blow sunshine up your skirt
Good luck.

Thanks for making me smile.

We have been exchanging msn chats and but didn't get far. I just emailed him a few moments ago telling him that I still love him and want to give it a go after some space. Talking will be too much at the moment as I thing we will just get into a fight, even if never ever had one.

I'm concerned about his mental health insense that I'm sure he is cracking up. I just have to o say to myself that it's not my problem anymore and move on.

I also think he is testing my response to see if I really do love him because I just accepted it at the moment.
Yesterday when I went round in the day to put his stuff in his mailbox he did email me to tell me to knock on his door as he won't bite me. showing that he wanted to talk. Also I think is is playing me like a yoyo.....

I don't feel that he had someone else etc. but I know for sure that something is not right in his own life apart form not being happy with work,health etc. At one point I was thinking that his cancer came back and has only so long to live. I know as he is very worried about it. He keeps saying I may die tomorrow etc. Anytime I ask him asbout his health he gets really mad with me....

Anyway I have to think positive and stay strong

[Parthon]

That sounds rather awful, and while I read it I can't help thinking "If you were really in love with someone would you really do that kind of stuff? Like really?!?"

Now it could be that he does love you, but he's just so messed up that he can only express it by doing strange and twisted things, or the love wasn't real love and it quickly changed to hate in his fear.

I can hear that you do want to be with him, but all in all I wonder if the price you will have to pay for that will be worth it in the long run. You could be the best thing that's ever happened for him, but on the flip side is that he could be the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

Right now though you won't get him to see anything knew that he doesn't want to see. The only thing you can do is placate him and see if he'll come around to talking with you, and even then you'll have to hold back and not say what you really want to say.

All in all I don't think it's worth it. Love and relationships with people really shouldn't be so hard. Really.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by Parthon

That sounds rather awful, and while I read it I can't help thinking "If you were really in love with someone would you really do that kind of stuff? Like really?!?"

Now it could be that he does love you, but he's just so messed up that he can only express it by doing strange and twisted things, or the love wasn't real love and it quickly changed to hate in his fear.

Right now though you won't get him to see anything knew that he doesn't want to see. The only thing you can do is placate him and see if he'll come around to talking with you, and even then you'll have to hold back and not say what you really want to say.

All in all I don't think it's worth it. Love and relationships with people really shouldn't be so hard. Really.

Yes I totally agree even if people do have problems. However there was never any hate just love and fear. The anger was coming form his jealous*obsessive friend.

We exchanged some more email etc. some not to good...you know full of crazy stuff, anger and trying to hold on to something that ran it's course. like a storm in a tea cup. Because his so called best friend messed things up. Plus we was so intense with each other and it was like an overdose. He also played himself with the playboy charmer (not sleeping round) and ended falling inlove with me in a very short time....I had no other choice but to lap it up at the time as it was sooooo good and it was good for me at time despite his friend and habits I felt the same when I noticed and felt this from him.

Tonight he came round to drop of my stuff and he was shocked to see that not me sobbing my heart out. We had a good little chat to agree that it was the end. Even if we didn't try. we just got a few things of out chest.

We are going to remain friends but I have no intention of contacting him until he does because I told him that he was most welcome to pass by whenever as he is only 7mins walk away. He looked pretty sorry for himself and you can see it, with his tail between his legs. I'm please with myself that I remained strong and positive all through out tonight. Anyways I'm sure that he is in a bar right this second drinking and chain smoking like crazy. I will not make myself readily available for him to show him that I have have a life.

He also has a lot of money problems as well as all the other stuff in his life and feels a too proud to have this problem. Yes he is totally messed up and he knows it too. He even told me that I deserved better and I do. He all so agreed like before with me and ex gf's that he was always transfering**his life problems etc. I acknowledged *that I was pushing to stop his habit when he had no intention of doing so. So yes we were talking. But I can't help him or anyone else for that matter until he helps himself first.

The thing is he is a very nice genuine and person and yes it was love for real (I'm not just talking about the honeymoon period)..... I've been in love few times to know the feeling etc.but this one was a big one for me.

I do know that we still love each other but enough to let it go.
Even if he told me that he wanted me back I would make him work for it by showing me that he wants to take control of his life etc.

He also knows who is friends are!

Anyways I wanted to say a big thank you for all you help, even if we not back together. I feel good about the way things were left at peace.

[Angela]

MmeIntentional, I'm sorry about the pain or numbness you have from your breakup. I am confident that you will grow something wonderful and loving out of what you learn from this difficult time.

Love,
angela

[MmeIntentional]

Angela thanks for your kind words as the mean a lot to me right now.

I know it sounds a bit evil but I gave him what he wanted with him knowing that I didn't want split. Now I can see that he regrets it already and I feel stronger and have a smile on my face because of sulking.
He readliy jumped to me offering friendship etc. and I made it clear that there was not going to be any sex included. He still seemed very keen and grateful.

Oh yeah ....just for few mins last night and this morning he told me that he wanted to stay together but I wasn not convinced by his snappy behaviour after on both times.

Of course I still have the odd tear in my eye but that's normal.

I've been doing some EFT and I think it's been working

[uberinquisitive]

This bf of yours sounds like he can't get his life together. No matter how sweet he is, a man with so much baggage and problems can't be an equal partner. Especially if his mental health is suffering, how can he possibly provide the emotional stability necessary for a good relationship?

Also...unstable people are incapable of truly loving. They can obsess and lust. But real love? It's just too difficult. I don't want to assume anything, but I am pretty sure that he did not truly love you - and his actions have proved it, too.

I know it sucks - finding someone you connect with doesn't happen everyday. But, it seems that you may have been saved from a draining, toxic relationship.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

This bf of yours sounds like he can't get his life together. No matter how sweet he is, a man with so much baggage and problems can't be an equal partner. Especially if his mental health is suffering, how can he possibly provide the emotional stability necessary for a good relationship?

Also...unstable people are incapable of truly loving. They can obsess and lust. But real love? It's just too difficult. I don't want to assume anything, but I am pretty sure that he did not truly love you - and his actions have proved it, too.

I know it sucks - finding someone you connect with doesn't happen everyday. But, it seems that you may have been saved from a draining, toxic relationship.

Hmm I'm not defending him because I had my own baggage too, mine even worse! So I can't pretend that I was an angel. He did prove his love to me for sure his actions and feelings said it all. However it was just the last week when things got a bit stressed. When I left him at 5am without saying anything. So you can say we were just as bad as eachother. We never had a rough patch until now. but I think it was because I said something in the heat of the moment.

I understand about he toxic relationship thing but we was able to talk about anything and everything until last week because of night out that went wrong that was my fault without going into to much detail.

Because I felt low about things apart from money etc. he saw that as him taking on more heavy baggage that he couldn't cope with and this made him insecure also the fact he didn't know that he could bring to me in the relationship for it to grow. Mainly because he didn't know what he wanted in his life for himself. The later was was a load of rubbish because he done all thing right things before when he rubbed me up the wrong way and but we did always have a connection.

We've been chatting via msn today and it's OK even if it's all light but I will make myself unavailable in the next few days for space etc.

I think the main worry for him was why would I want to be with an alcoholic, depressed and lost person like him when I can find someone else without these problems. It's simple for me it's because I love him
BUT not stupid to accept that fact that he is not doing anything about it.

I've had my drug and alcohol problems in the past and already know that you have to want to help yourself first. He has seen that I've picked myself up and made something of myself regardless of my current situation.

Alcoholic's etc. are no fun! I know this from my old ways plus my fathers. It's a recipe for disaster. However I think it's very easy to judge people with such problems...but for sure it's not attractive. But you can't jump ship beacuse it if you both love eachother. At the same time I can't help him unless he makes efforts. He even told me that he doesn't really want to split but because he snapped I just thought oh sodd it all.

He is expecting an email from me tomorrow to hear my side but I will not say anything negative or about getting back together as he was the one who wanted the split admitting that he still wanted me but was scared.

At the sametime I do believe that I manifested all this which started from his so called friend that got into my belief system. It call came out like the picture in my mind... so I need to work on that also.

[uberinquisitive]

Alcoholic's etc. are no fun! I know this from my old ways plus my fathers. It's a recipe for disaster. However I think it's very easy to judge people with such problems...but for sure it's not attractive. But you can't jump ship because it if you both love each other. At the same time I can't help him unless he makes efforts. He even told me that he doesn't really want to split but because he snapped I just thought oh sodd it all.

Listen to me very carefully. I've been in similar shoes as yours.

Your love will NEVER be powerful enough to help him. Many a woman has wasted her life being co-dependent with an alcoholic/drug addict. They believe if they are loyal and loving, that eventually the man will come around.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

Be his friend. That way, you can keep healthy boundaries. Also, read literature about co-dependency.

It took the suicide of my fiancé (he and I had a co-dependent relationship) for me to finally wake up. Co-dependency feels like passionate love because the man needs you. His illness gives you a purpose, and you just know, under the chemicals and mental illness, there is a butterfly waiting to bust out. And you will be the person to do it. It's all heady stuff.

But it ain't love. It's low self-esteem on your part...no self-esteem on his part.

[MmeIntentional]

uberinquisitive

I hear you! I done 3yrs in rebab at the age of 19 when most people thought I was too young. Now you get them as young as 10yrs old these days I wanted to help myself and went without anyone telling me to go etc. Seen loads of people die do to these poisons and suicide etc. and loose everything from there job, home, family and life.

I'm not co-dependent...I've been single for 6 yrs by choice and have no probs getting a good new man. I'm the sort of person ho doesn't need to be in a relationship to feel validated. So I'm safe there!

Yes Your right for sure he has low self-esteem and I feel it's best for me to work on the friendship after I have some space.

I've seen my mother waste all her life on my father and only left him 2 yrs before she died. So I know I would be gone in a shot, trust me I had one ex bf like that before an that was just a waste of 3 months.

Right this second he is hanging around at work for my email which keeps him out of the pub He even told me today that he feels more secure about things because of my reaction towards him last night.

When I drink I drink more than him but I don't feel the NEED to drink. Most people can't touch a drop after such problems. So in that respect I'm lucky with my narrow escape. All the alcohol in my flat can stay for christmas guests etc. It's just he does 4-5 night a week until 2-5am and can never make it to work on time because he is in a low mood in the mornings.

On the positive I've seen a few people turn there life around 180 from such problems when they start to get help.
I don't think there is a rule book like rehab, books, etc. I just think he needs a wake up call and to dig deep or find a passion in his life and go for it.

[MmeIntentional]

OMFG his rages are getting worse but the day Even if it's all via msn I'm out like a shot and can't even be his friend anymore until he gets some help from the men in white coats.

Yes I can say that was a blessing!!! .. I told you so ...I know I know

I think he was not telling me the truth when he told me that he had cancer 5yrs ago but it was more for his mental health. As I know he is going through a running turn right now. He has been acting running since Saturday and i'm sure that he has schizophrenia as a few of his friends who smoked dope at the time has schizophrenia. it's all starting to make sense. He done a good job hiding it all . I did notice on or two strange things at first but didn't think too much of it until his rages got worse and worse and I had a knowing feeling that everybody knew something that I didn't know about him...So I was thinking that it was another woman etc.

Anyways I'm done

[xxxdawniexxx]

i know how you feel but its hard when its your first love and you have kids with them and was together nearly 4 yrs im hurt so bad i cant seem to go on anymore because i love him so much

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by xxxdawniexxx

i know how you feel but its hard when its your first love and you have kids with them and was together nearly 4 yrs im hurt so bad i cant seem to go on anymore because i love him so much

Hi Dawn,

I'll give you an update..I found out that this man that I was with was still with his gf but on and off. When I really did detach from it he was like a lapp dog. I was with him on xmas day for a few hours and all over the new years etc. I have not taken him back as I know it would work but alot has happened between us sinse I first posted and he told me that his was full of s**t, fake, playing me etc. and was sorry.
I found out one or two more things but there is no going back to this mess. We will be friends but I need some space otherwise that will never workout.
Saying all that I blew a lot of things about him way out of proportion with things that I posted about the schizophrenia and things

I think the hardest thing was to stop having sex and we both are still very very much attracted to each other in that way.

I've gone on dates also which helped alot!!!! I didn't take the dates any futher that a fews times because there was not much attraction but it was good to feel wanted and pampered.

I'm lucky that he was not my first love and I have no kids...

It took me a bit of a while to wake up and smell the coffee but I feel so much better now even if I can see that this man still wanted me, even more than I think. I feel totally in control of the situation now because of recent events. He is dead keen on me now but I have lost interest and their is no trust.

So I would say give yourself some time. It's amazing what happened when my head is out of that mad cranky low state. I also stated goal setting and doing EFT/TFT again. Mr Wang Says So: How to Write Down Your Goals
This worked wonders for me

I would also like to thank everyone for those low moment that I had as this forum did help me a lot!!!!