Am I turning people off?

[charlottecharade]

For anyone who cares to read this and offer any advice...I would be GREATLY appreciated. This is basically my diary entry; whatever's on my mind.

It feels as if I have turned people off. Maybe it is my personality, perhaps it is my habits, but whatever it is, I seem to be losing friends faster than I gain them.

• M – Kind of blew her off after senior year ended. We didn’t hang out that much in the summer. During the wakeboarding trips/church trips I would ignore her. I blew her off many times during college when we were going to hang out. I felt like she gave me lame reasons why she didn't want to hang out so I was equally lame with her. I told her we talked trash about K when me and D visited her college in Napa, and now she says she can’t trust me anymore.

• J – I was a huge jerk to him after I broke up with him. Especially during my visit to his college, that was totally uncalled for. I was un-open to being friends with him and was constantly putting him down. I don’t remember one nice thing I said to him during that time.

• D – I don’t talk to him as much anymore. Maybe it was because of the whole “mean scenario” at J's college. Or maybe it’s because I sound too desperate in college. Or maybe it’s because I tell him all the stuff I did with guys during college and that’s a turn-off because it makes me sound easy. I don’t know.

• JP – Yes, I was needlessly rude to him too. When I didn’t have many friends I would talk to him. I was like, better talk to him than nobody. But when my social life is going well I don’t really talk to him. I seem to do that a lot; when I “gain” friends I tend to neglect my old friends. Then when I realize my new friends aren’t really “friends,” I’ve neglected my old friends so long that I’m left by myself.

• JS – I led him on. Basically. And then I told him that I couldn’t talk to him or see him ever again and that he was creepy. Or I thought so. I only said that because J said he was creepy, but he didn’t even know the whole story. So he just told me last week, oh JS isn’t creepy after all; I didn’t know the whole story. Thanks. And JS wasn’t that bad looking either.

• KJ – I was friendly and open with him; he was the first person I told when I broke up with J. And he helped me the best he could, although I didn’t feel too sad about the break up. Later in my relationship with J he said that he didn’t want me to see other guys when I was going out with him. At that time, it sounded reasonable to me, so I told KJ I couldn’t ever see him again. Sure. And that’s how I lost another friend. I like to blame J for it. Because it is partly his fault…

• F – He was a really cool guy when I met him. I liked talking to him; he was funny, cute, and a little geeky. But still cool. Recently I began to notice that 50% of the times when I see him I’m either drunk or really buzzed. And then I get really touchy-feely and really out-spoken, which might be a turn-off to him. I remember one night when I was practically all over him and he looked a bit uncomfortable, and I asked him if he was uncomfortable. He said maybe a little. And I also drunk dialed him a couple of times. So maybe that’s not so hot in a girl…

• A – I honestly did think he was cute at first. Well he still is, but that’s beside the point. That whole thing on Friday night was a little too much for him I guess. But what can I say, that’s what happens when you mix a little alcohol and a lot of attraction. I wish nothing ever happened, but what can you do. You can just move on and try to not make the same mistake again.

• K – I think that whole Napa visit was a little too much. Little did she know that we were talking trash about her the whole way up. Maybe she sensed the “dislike” or something, but I have a feeling we left a really bad impression. Especially when we kept dissing her school and complaining about her curfew and rules. There was nothing she could do about it; I don’t know who we think we were trying to make her feel bad about it. She already felt bad enough.

• M – Well I always thought he was kind of cute, especially that first night I met him. I was like, I want to get to know this guy! So we had fun that first night. And the second time I saw him I didn’t feel the same attraction, maybe it was because of the clothes he was wearing because they totally didn’t match. The third time I saw him was at Henry’s (a restaurant that sells beer and doesn't ID); we chatted for like a minute or so. The fourth time I saw him was at his house party. As we were dancing he kept telling me that I needed more drinks. More, more, and more. But once I had enough to get a nice buzz, I started dancing with this other guy, and pretty soon we were making out. Right in front of M. I didn’t care. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t even that attracted to that guy, but he was kind of cute. And then a little later this other guy comes over and tells me how hot I am. And I say, but don’t you like the other girl? And he’s like no, I like you, I want you! And he wants to make out with me. At first I’m hesitant because I’m not really that interested, but then after minutes of his begging I finally give in. And I’m making out with him. Right in front of the other guy and M. Wow. Who looks like a slut.

So basically I really don’t know what it is about me, but it seems like I’m turning off a lot of guys…

[NotesMaeve]

Never ever ever ever call yourself a slut. Don't call anyone else a slut either, while we're at it. It sounds like you value male attention more than friendship. Take a look at that, and tell me why.

Calling a woman a "slut" is a real sensitive point with me. My father called me a slut all the time from age 11 to 20, and that's a HORRID word. Did you know the word originally meant sloppy or filthy? So every time you say that, you're saying you're DIRTY for wanting to have sex or appearing sexual? What a horrible way to frame sexuality!

Treat your partners or potential sexual partners with love and respect. Treat YOURSELF with love and respect. If you do that much, the rest will follow.

[hollowman]

Wow! That's quite a reveletion from your diary.

I am a guy and i wonder what is your perspective on guys.. I mean do you look at guys as the opposite sex that can give you the attention you hunger for? Please dont take offence.

It sound to me like you are not interested in looking for trust or security in a guy, or basically friendship for that matter.

Well, if you are merely looking for intimacy with guys, then naturally only guys who are interested for intimacy with ladies, will not turn a blind eye on you. (Again, no offence).

And guys who are not interested in what you are looking for would naturally be turned away. Perhaps your other more decent guy friends look at you as worthy friend but the way you respond to their kind gesture is not something they appreciate. If that's the case i must say that they are totally dismayed.

It's a good thing you are writing diary, i am sure you are able to reflect very clearly all that you make happen. It's really no surprise that you are really turning people off.

Be it personality or habit or whatever, it is my opinion that we do bear responsibility in how we make friends. You cant expect people to tolerate your ways simply because that's the way you are.

By the way, are you happy being the way you are?? If you are not, then perhaps it's time to change the ways you handle relationship with other people. Realise that our action / behaviour do have the ripple effects on people around us.

Just a thought...

[charlottecharade]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

It sounds like you value male attention more than friendship. Take a look at that, and tell me why.

I guess throughout my high school years I would always place my personal value on how many guys were interested in me. For example, at one point, I could have gone out with 2 other guys but I already had a boyfriend. Therefore I had pretty high self esteem and felt really good about myself. But now, I don't have a boyfriend nor any "potential boy friends" so naturally I feel pretty lousy about myself. I know it sounds really lame but it's true.

And you're right, when I go to a party I'm always subconsciously seeking male attention and seeing what will happen tonight. I go in there with a mindset of "I'll see what happens", not "I have these boundaries and will not sacrifice myself in breaking them." Sadly, I would ditch my girlfriends to stay with my new "guy" who I just met. I know, I know, it's terrible but I'm speaking with all honesty. It's a problem I obviously have to change.

And maybe I don't really know what I want. I want male attention so badly sometimes I'll just do almost whatever to feel accepted by them. Or maybe all I want is friendship. But for me it's hard, because I feel that if a guy doesn't like me "that" way or wants to go out with me, I feel he isn't worth getting to know very well (I assume he is not interested in me at all). I don't know what I'm looking for. I just feel very lost and confused with this whole "game".

[charlottecharade]

Originally Posted by hollowman

I am a guy and i wonder what is your perspective on guys.. I mean do you look at guys as the opposite sex that can give you the attention you hunger for? Please dont take offence.

I guess so, because that's how I base my "self-worth". If a guy tells me I'm hot, I feel hot. Then I must be hot. But if I get the feeling that I'm turning people away, I feel degraded and very low.

Originally Posted by hollowman

It sound to me like you are not interested in looking for trust or security in a guy, or basically friendship for that matter.

Well, if you are merely looking for intimacy with guys, then naturally only guys who are interested for intimacy with ladies, will not turn a blind eye on you. (Again, no offence).

And guys who are not interested in what you are looking for would naturally be turned away. Perhaps your other more decent guy friends look at you as worthy friend but the way you respond to their kind gesture is not something they appreciate. If that's the case i must say that they are totally dismayed.

It's a good thing you are writing diary, i am sure you are able to reflect very clearly all that you make happen. It's really no surprise that you are really turning people off.

You mean I'm acting in a manner that turns people off? How? Guys don't like girls like that?

Originally Posted by hollowman

Be it personality or habit or whatever, it is my opinion that we do bear responsibility in how we make friends. You cant expect people to tolerate your ways simply because that's the way you are.

By the way, are you happy being the way you are?? If you are not, then perhaps it's time to change the ways you handle relationship with other people. Realise that our action / behaviour do have the ripple effects on people around us.

Just a thought...

And no, I'm not happy with the way things are. I need to change. I want to change. That's why I'm writing this post. But I'm still unsure of what I should do exactly...I know the saying "In order to get a friend you need to be a friend", but could you elaborate? What kind of friend should I be? I don't want to ditch all my old ways but is the the only option? I feel like if I ditch all my old ways I'll loose myself. So I dont' know what to do.

[uberinquisitive]

I used to have the same problem as you (basing my self-worth on male attention). In many ways, I still struggle with it.

I say - why not use it to your advantage? While I still struggle with this issue, I've taken the energy and used it as fuel to make myself more successful (especially in career). I am aggressively looking for a job, as well as developing my true passion of writing. I am using the excuse "well, I would be more attractive to men if I was successful." Of course, this isn't ideal, but there's nothing wrong in trying to make lemonade out of lemons!

Ironically, as I'm focusing more on myself, I find myself needing less male attention. I guess because I am validating myself more, I need outside validation less.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

Guys don't like girls like that?

Guys usually aren't drawn to girls who make out with other guys in front of them, at least not for relationships. If you're not wanting to change too much about your behavior, maybe try just picking one guy per party to make out with (let him feel at least somewhat special), and don't say anything about anyone else that you wouldn't want said about you.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

I guess throughout my high school years I would always place my personal value on how many guys were interested in me. For example, at one point, I could have gone out with 2 other guys but I already had a boyfriend. Therefore I had pretty high self esteem and felt really good about myself. But now, I don't have a boyfriend nor any "potential boy friends" so naturally I feel pretty lousy about myself. I know it sounds really lame but it's true.

And you're right, when I go to a party I'm always subconsciously seeking male attention and seeing what will happen tonight. I go in there with a mindset of "I'll see what happens", not "I have these boundaries and will not sacrifice myself in breaking them." Sadly, I would ditch my girlfriends to stay with my new "guy" who I just met. I know, I know, it's terrible but I'm speaking with all honesty. It's a problem I obviously have to change.

And maybe I don't really know what I want. I want male attention so badly sometimes I'll just do almost whatever to feel accepted by them. Or maybe all I want is friendship. But for me it's hard, because I feel that if a guy doesn't like me "that" way or wants to go out with me, I feel he isn't worth getting to know very well (I assume he is not interested in me at all). I don't know what I'm looking for. I just feel very lost and confused with this whole "game".

Good! It sounds like you know what you want, but are just stuck in an old way of thinking! That's actually not too bad to fix. So you want to be a confident single person/individual, because when you get invited to parties, this is REALLY the person people are inviting and adore.

What happened to you in the past that made male attention so important to you?

[ixmatus]

Your username speaks it all, in my opinion.

Edit:

In addition, to actually be helpful, look at recurring symbols and motifs in your life - it tells you alot about the simple patterns you may tend to overcomplicate.

I, personally think you should purely focus on what you want, rather than looking behind you to find answers (all you will find is Medusa staring back at you). From my perspective, it sounds like you want to have clarity, resolve, and a level head when interacting with YOURSELF; stop playing charades with the masculine component inside of you and give it affection; then, most likely, you will no longer 'need' male affirmation. Affirmation should always come from the self, friendships will be fulfilling and easy, relationships with men will be satisfying and effortless, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself will be an inspiring, exciting, and fun one.

Little note: wanting and enjoying affirmation from other people (friends, family, men) is a very healthy and natural thing; but, 'needing' it is not - in my opinion.

[The David]

Well, I'll start by saying I admire you for posting your journal, so I'll walk on sacred ground with this.

Yes, you're probably turning people off. It sounds like you talk trash about people a lot, put people down, give them hope and then let them down, and don't really respect them. That's what you've said.

What I'm sensing (and it wouldn't be the first time that I'm wrong about something), however, is that you're really doing all that to yourself. You already said that you look like a slut, and that you can't think you're 'hot' without guys constantly reminding you, so it makes sense that you're getting into these situations again and again. I know it sounds cheesy, but you aren't going to be able to experience love (at least stable, healthy love) until you love yourself. You're going to end up with guys who don't respect you because respect isn't what you want.

Take this from someone who doesn't know you. If I knew you, I could offer specific advice, but this is basically just intuitive.

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

If a guy tells me I'm hot, I feel hot.

Buy a little mirror you can keep in your pocket, so you don't need a gaggle of dysfunctional guys following you around reminding you.

[hollowman]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

I guess so, because that's how I base my "self-worth". If a guy tells me I'm hot, I feel hot. Then I must be hot. But if I get the feeling that I'm turning people away, I feel degraded and very low.
You mean I'm acting in a manner that turns people off? How? Guys don't like girls like that?

Well guys who go for one-night stand or so would definitely like girls like that. But thats not what you want to settle for right?? Have you considered going steady with a mature, understanding and loving guy for real? I mean what kind of a man you would want for a life partner? Perhaps pondering these questions may give you some idea of what sort of guys you should get in touch with, the right type of attitudes you look for in a guy and the right attitude you should correspond with.

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

And no, I'm not happy with the way things are. I need to change. I want to change. That's why I'm writing this post. But I'm still unsure of what I should do exactly...I know the saying "In order to get a friend you need to be a friend", but could you elaborate? What kind of friend should I be? I don't want to ditch all my old ways but is the the only option? I feel like if I ditch all my old ways I'll loose myself. So I dont' know what to do.

I am no expert in friendship aspect but i would call myself a good friend to good friends of mine.

I guess friends are people whom you are comfortable with, people who share the same interest (not necessarily though). Good and reliable friends are people you can trust (share problems and secrets without fear of shame or ridiculed), come to you and stay by your side when you need them (or even when you don't realise that you need them)

Friends are the faces you look forward to see, not just when you need help. You simply don't mind spending time doing stuff together and chatting. Friends are the good souls who would go the extra mile to bring out the best in you, to bring you the help and support you need even when you don't ask for it. A great friend may make sacrifices for your interest and they get nothing in return, or without you even knowing it.
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I agree with Ixmatus, affirmation comes from yourself. It is long-lasting as it emanates from within you. Why would you need a bunch of guys who take advantage for self-pleasure? Are you getting any real energy that sustain you healthily from these kind of people?

And yes, i believe what you need is frienship, not male attention.

When you change the way you are, you don't lose yourself. You transform into a better self. You rejuvenate yourself, shedding the old self (which you are aware as not a pretty good one) and get to see yourself and the world around you in a refreshing and positive outlook.

From the post and replies you have been making throughout the thread, i am sure you can reflect very well on the dissonance in yourself. And with all the input and support around here, you can surely find your ways.