best friend's wife is leaving him, he tells me he wants to kill himself, what to do?

[DQueens]

Hi,

my friend who lives in another country, just had his wife tell him she no longer loves him and that she is leaving him. I know her personally and know that it's hard for her too, that she means it and is trying very hard to stand her ground after probably a lot of personal growth, and after trying very hard to make her marriage work...

However, my loyalties are to my friend, who deliberately ignored the warning signs prior to this, who told himself that things are going to be ok....

It is hard for him, right now... he talks about killing himself, that she was his only reason for living and he doesnt want to be around anymore...

I am worried he might try it... or that he might have sex with one of the people at his work... and therefore sabotage his own career...

So I guess my question is what can I do for my friend, when I am thousands of miles away and have only msn right now (he wont let me call him). What can I do about a potentially suicidal friend? What are some things I can say/do? Has anyone else been in this situation?

I am wondering if the way to combat his suicide is to lay a guilt trip "you would destroy my life, your family's life, your others friends if you were to do something like that to yourself" when I was suicidal, that was the only thoughts that would pull me out of it, but then you could argue that I wasnt truly serious about those thoughts...

thanks in advance.

[cdn2wheeler]

This is extraordinarily serious and shouldn't be managed without professional help. Do some research and find out crisis centres in his area and let him know.

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by DQueens

I am wondering if the way to combat his suicide is to lay a guilt trip "you would destroy my life, your family's life, your others friends if you were to do something like that to yourself"

Noooooooooooooo.......! Nothing like kicking someone when they're down already. If you want to be emotionally SINCERE instead of manipulative and accusatory and tell him sincerely your genuine feelings for him and how you would feel if he killed himself, and without some personal agenda, even without the agenda of trying to get him not to kill himself, if it had any effect, it would probably be good.

Otherwise, cdn's suggestion is good.

[uberinquisitive]

My fiancé killed himself after I left him. So, I am very well-acquainted with this situation.

Many men feel suicidal after their spouse leaves. Divorce is considered as traumatic as dealing with the death of a loved on. And due to society, men are often ill-equipped to deal with the extreme pain, feelings of abandonment, self-shame, etc..

Right now, your friend is feeling a pain he doesn't know how to handle. He feels that death is the only way to escape the pain. He's like a man who is burning alive - all he wants is to put out the flames. He isn't thinking of the people around him, or other options. He wants relief.

Telling him "you would destroy people's lives" doesn't work. Suicidal people aren't rational. Again, they are burning alive and just want to put out the flames.

Also, they may also be thinking "well, the world would be better without me anyways." Yes...they think of any and all justifications to kill themselves.

The best things to do:

#1 - Contact his family.

#2 - Realize that this decision is 100% his own choice. What you do or say, or not do and not say, will not sway his mind. You can't save him, because he is seriously not rational now. Now matter what, don't feel responsible for his decisions.

He needs to decide to live, or not to live. Call him everyday, offer a non-judgemental shoulder to lean on. But ultimately, you are doing the maximum possible. Only he can keep himself from killing himself.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Many men feel suicidal after their spouse leaves.

Sometimes, though, it's a monumental relief. I speak from experience here.

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Divorce is considered as traumatic as dealing with the death of a loved on.

Actually, depending on the situation, sometimes it's worse. Not only is that person gone out of one's life, they often make a conscious choice to reject one person for another. When a partner dies, that's usually not a choice. Top off the loss of the partnership with a good dollop of rejection and it's not hard to see how a death might even be easier to handle.

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

But ultimately, you are doing the maximum possible. Only he can keep himself from killing himself.

Wiser words have rarely been spoken.

[Surrey Sam]

Hi,

Have just seen your post regarding your suicidal friend so signed up to add this to the discussion.

Depending what country your friend lives in, there are a number of anonymous, confidential emotional support lines available. If you take a look at Befrienders Worldwide there's a comprehensive list of what's out there, worldwide. Talking to someone you don't know, who doesn't know you and whom you'll never meet can often be very helpful and supportive. It can lead to an opening of emotions that, ultimately, will prevent suicide.

A similiar service is available via email - jo@samaritans.org. Again, totally confidential and the person replying to the email doesn't even know the email address it came from.

You don't have to be suicidal to use these services. DQueens, you might find it helpful to talk to someone on one of these phone lines or to email.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Divorce is considered as traumatic as dealing with the death of a loved on.

I was looking at a Stress Chart not too long ago that ranked all the different stresses one may receive in life from midlest to most severe. I remember that the chart ranked the divorce of a spouse as producing more stress then the death of a spouse.

I think the best way to help someone who is suicidal is to figure out things that would make life worth living to them. Talking to them about their interest, their desires (outside of relationship), and digging up things they find interesting and like brings out the desire to live again. If they focus on their divorcing spouse, they may not want to live. But if their focus can be on something they find interesting or desiring, then their focus will be to want to live. Actually, I didn't come up with this, but it's something that someone who counseled suicidal patients recommended.