Can May/December relationships work?

[munish]

A very good article by Mira Kirshenbaum on May/December relationships .

She says -

[ I never want to rain on anyone's love parade. But the divorce rate is high enough as it is. And the statistics are that the more different people are, the greater their risk of getting a divorce.]

It is very clear that she is doubtful, that such relationships work in the long run.

Can May/December relati... - Blogs - Revolution Health

[ivorytickler]

As someone who has been in a may-december relationship for 29 years, I'd say this article is right on target. By the time we were married 10 years, he'd figured out "get 'um young and train 'um right" wasn't going to work and I was sick of being "taught". Honestly, if he hadn't had his lifestyle tied to my income, I don't think we would have made it to year 15.

We have, since, managed to work through our issues but, every now and again, he starts "teaching" me again and we get right back on the treadmill.

Respect, or more accurately, lack of respect for the younger partner is an issue. So is the fact the adoration a young girl has for her older man early on fading away. By the time I was 30, I wanted a true partner. He still wanted that girl who looked up to him.

It's been a rough ride. While I"m in this relationship for the long haul, I wouldn't do it over. There are just too many problems due to the age gap. And some of them, we're just starting to see with him entering his senior years and me still rooted in middle adulthood. I feel like I sold my youth and got gyped in the deal but it's the deal I made.

Honestly, I wouldn't recommend a may-december relationship involving a very young woman. Women need to get to their late 20's to know who they are and who they want to be and catching one young doesn't mean she'll take to your teaching. Anytime you enter a relationship intent on changing your partner or counting on your partner never growing up, you're in trouble.

If the woman is, at least, 25, I don't see it as nearly the risk.

[PianoManGidley]

Not a bad article, but one little thing that irked me:

The greater the differences of any kind between two people, the harder is it to have things in common.

It's just a "duh" phrase, really--like saying "the less light there is, the darker it is!"

What's more, not ALL May/December relationships are a young woman with an older man. There have been older woman/younger man relationships, as well as May/December relationships in the gay and lesbian community.

[ivorytickler]

This article doesn't deny the existence of other types, it simply speaks to one type. Younger woman/older man and the pitfalls. Which I know well because I've lived them.

[JimOfferman]

You could probably write an article like this about any kind of relationship.

Relationships work or fail because of the people in the relationship - not because of some random statistic.

[Jennihul]

It works every now and then. But the same thing can be said about most marriages, unfortunately.

Jennifer

[ivorytickler]

From my experience and what I"ve read, the dynamics of an older man attracted to a, relatively, immature woman are pretty consistent. He's either immature himself, which explains his attraction to an immature woman, which becomes a problem when she matures or he's looking for some sweet young thing to adore him he can mold which becomes a problem when she matures. I really do think this article pegs it if it's a case where the woman is very young.

Whenever you enter into a relationship where one or both parties are immature, you're probably going to have problems when they start to mature. If you're both immature because you're both young, maybe you'll mature together but if one is immature because of age and the other just immature, watch out.

[The David]

My mom's birthday is May 1. She claims to have dated an enormous amount of guys. Which guy has she been with for almost 28 years? You guessed it. His birthday is April 29.

I know that's not what the article is about, but it's a powerful metaphor. lol

[jaamkie]

*sigh* I tend to attract older guys, who somehow think I'm charming and young and cute yet oddly proper/mature, intelligent and "wise"... to an extent I prefer to date somewhat older guys, because I've gone through life a bit quicker than others and am at the same place in life/maturity as guys a few years older. But I've had several much-older guys want to date me, or at least take me out and flirt with me even if they realize we're both better off with people closer to our ages- and I've always felt the weirdness of a guy wanting someone much younger, felt the inequity in the interaction and been uncomfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with them. Often the guy expects to pay for everything and go out to nice places, and I feel a bit like a paid pet and like I have to act especially nice and interested-in-them and joyful and mature to repay their largess; often they compliment my looks in a very "courtly" fashion that somehow just makes me uncomfortable and in the back of my mind wonder what they would think when I got older; they have many more experiences and great conversation which can be enlightening but a bit intimidating- I feel like a student talking to a teacher and have trouble disagreeing very forcefully with any of their opinions; and also physically I just don't feel attracted, so if I were to go out with them I would feel a bit like Anna Nicole Smith or something, trading sex for other types of attention and gifts.

[Eric Revelin]

I would think the key aspect in any relationship is self-knowledge. A young girl willing to be taught, or who's caught up in her adoration of the older male, is likely ignorant of the workings of her heart and mind and what she really wants. Similarly, an older man who finds a girl like that attractive is likely insecure and craves reverence to compensate for it.

Relationships are bound to fail when they aren't based on an earnest desire for companionship. You've got people who want another person to provide something they feel is lacking in themselves, you've got people who want sex, you've got people who feel pressured (whether by society or family) to get married... Considering that, "duh!' statements as pointed out above aren't so obvious since common sense is forgotten when insanity is the norm.

True love isn't bound by age but true love is more than a passing fancy and a tingling between the legs. The head cannot dominate matters of the heart but it can't be left out of the process either. Logical thinking, self knowledge, and strong feelings are all necessary to make a relationship work. Shortsightedness combined with infatuation and/or insecurity is likely responsible for the high divorce rates we're seeing nowadays.