How to change my approach on finding/dating guys?

[lifequest]

Hi,

I've been single for a while. When my last relationship ended (relationship that lasted for approximately 7 years), I decided to take some time off (close to a year) because:
1) I didn't feel like I could get involved in a new relationship, I was hurting a lot and knew I could not give my full attention to a guy while I was still hurting from the last break-up
2) I needed time to think, to understand what had happened in my last relationship, since I don't like making the same mistake twice. I believe that when you get back in a new relationship right away, that you'll make the same mistakes again, and that's where you get stuck in a pattern.

So, here's the problem: I don't have a clue where to start "getting back in the game", and my friends and family are of no help!

To give you a picture of myself, I'm a 27 year old woman. I'm an engineer, and a kinda or nerdy one at that. I like jogging and swimming, and I love to dance. I play a bit of guitar when I find the time. I like comedy spoofs science-fiction movies, and I'm even a trekkie (although a small one I admit). I'm the kind of girl that likes challenges. I prefer to change the tires on my car than to cook. I once took self-defence classes, and I actually enjoyed them. I even brought along my ex but it was to violent for him, so he didn't come back to class... Between going shopping and going for a hike in the woods, I prefer the woods. I also look like a tomboy (a Ellen Degeneres kind of look, since I hate dresses, skin thight pants and little tops that show to much skin, it's just not who I am). I don't even own a pair of high heel, because I like to run (I find walking is to slow sometimes), and running with high heels? Well, not a good thing... I'm not into fashion and hairstyling, but I'm good looking. Some people (a few close friends, my family, even my boss!) have told me that it's like I'm unaware of my good looks, and that with little effort, I would look really great. But I just don't care really to put effort into "looking great", because I'm not looking for someone that's with because of the way I look, but because of who I am. I am very comfortable with the person I am, and will not change for anyone, since that would mean that I would become untruthful to myself and inauthentic (unless someone can convince me with a good reason that I can fully endorse and that goes along with my values and beliefs).

Since I'm an engineer, most of my friends are guys. And that's the thing: they consider me a great friend because I do "guy stuff". But they don't consider me as dating material, since I'm very independant and not very feminine by my actions and looks. As one of my friends told me: "you act like a guy. So guys probably don't know to act around you in a relationship, because it's like you're already doing the jog of "being the guy" in the relationship"....

And many people, including my family and a few of my close pals have told me that unless I change, I'm gonna be single for a long while. But that's the thing: aren't supposed to be yourself in a relationship, and not change for anyone?

Plus, most of the guys that have shown interest in me in the last few years have been low self-esteem guys that want someone to boss them around. Yes, I know I am bossy. I work in a field where I have to take decision constantly, be able to defend them and give orders to people. And that's maybe why I attract those guys. But, I believe that a relationship should be between to equal partners, not a relationship where one is bossing the other one around. So that doesn't work.

So here's the situation:
1) I'd like to date, but I don't even know where to start. My last relationship lasted 7 years and started while I was in school. So I couldn't experiment while I was in college like many people suggest. I currently have zero dating experience, really, and since I'm not that good in the social departement, especially when it comes to man/woman relationship besides friendship (remember, I'm an engineer with all the sterotypes that come with the job) well, things aren't going pretty good...

2)I don't know anything about the dating scene really. I haven't tried internet dating, but I can't say I'm really looking forward to meet total strangers on the net. Going to clubs? Well, usually, that's not the kind of place where you meet people interested in real relationship, plus I don't have the "look". Through work I can't meet anyone (small office of 20 people, where we spend the most of our time working alone, with very few interaction with the outside), and in college (I'm finishing my last semester right now), well, guys are like 20 years old, so definitely not what I'm looking for.

3) Most friends and family are of not help in meeting guys, their socials networks does not involve single guys in my age range that don't know me already and aren't my friends.

4) I know I probably do some stuff wrong and send the wrong signals to guys. I've tried looking for a "lifestyle" or "seduction" coach in my area, but have found none for women (only for men, as if they're the only ones having a hard time to date!). I've tried reading a book or two, but it doesn't really work because since I don't know what I'm doing wrong, well, how can I change it (and when I mean change, I don't mean acting like a different person, I mean acting true to myself, but in a way that will get guys interested).

5) I know there are coaches online, but if the coach if find lives across the country, how do I know that person can really help me since he/she won't know the specifics of the city and the culture where I live?

So, if anyone has suggestions on how I could tackle this "problem", I'd really appreciate any insights. I do believe I am a kind person that has a lot to offer, but unless I find a way to come across to guys, well, I'll stay single.

Lifequest

[cdn2wheeler]

I'm single. Busy tonight..?

*ahem* sorry... old habits die hard, I'm afraid

Although the "friend zone" is primarily a dungeon inhabited by men, there are occasional women in there as well. Seems that you're one of them, at least from your description of your pals.

As well, what you've been doing clearly hasn't been giving you the results you desire. So unless you make some adjustments - I don't mean wholesale personality changes, just tweaks to fine-tune some things - you'll probably get the same results you've always got. This whole "be yourself" thing is fine but that doesn't mean you can't improve, does it?

To your points:
1 & 2 are basically the same: Where to date and how to go about it? I abhor clubs and bars and whatnot. It's too noisy, there's too much alcohol flying around which means the occasional bad decision, and one's in competition with professional players. Who needs it?

Personally, I had some reasonable success on some online dating sites. I'm not on anymore, but the vast majority of the women I met through them were attractive, successful women who just led busy busy lives and didn't have a lot of time to do a lot of extracurricular stuff.

Of course, part of getting out and meeting people is just simply getting out. Consider taking a course in auto mechanics (yea, really!). Guys wouldn't give it a second thought if a woman wanted to learn how to change her own oil. It's a target-rich environment for you. And as an offshoot you might even learn about fixing your transmission.

Lastly, please don't fall into the age-old trap that, "women don't ask men out." Take the initative. Will you get rejected on occasion? Yea, probably. Happens to guys all the time... and I do mean ALL THE TIME. But so what? Pain is temporary. Glory is forever.

Regarding your actual demeanour or signals, well, it's a bit hard to tell since you and I have never met so I can't really speak to specifics. One thing I saw recently, though, was a short bit on a BBC website that reported that holding a gaze with a member of the opposite sex can increase your attractiveness to them. (Too lazy to look it up right now, but if you do a search on BBC I'm sure you'll be able to find it, it was just a couple of days ago.)

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[lifequest]

I'm single. Busy tonight..?

Well, actually, I already have plans for tonight, but tomorrow night is clear

Ah, yes, the "friend zone". Thanks for defining where I am, it's silly, but I had never realized I was in it...

I don't mind doing some tweaks as you say, but that's the thing: what to tweak and what not to tweak? I've tried asking for advice to friends and family, but from what I understand, they don't know more than I do what to "tweak". That's why I was more looking for a "coach", an outside professional help if I may say.

As for considering asking guys out, I find that's a tricky one: I've had bad experiences in the past. And by bad past experiences, I don't mean getting rejected. I mean not being able to get rid of the guy and make him understand that "I'm not that into him"! It happened to me twice, so I feel really uncomfortable nowadays as for the subject of approaching guys. I know, I shouldn't but generalizing that all men are unbalanced, needy and clingy, I know there are so great men out there, but those two times, it took me approximately a year to get rid of each guy (yes, you read correctly, close to a year), and one of those times, I even had a bf all along!!!.

Thanks for the "looking in the eyes" advice. I've been praticing it with friends for a while, plus trying to complement them on something they are wearing or doing. I know I'm gonna have to start doing it with strangers eventually, but all in due time I believe.

[uberinquisitive]

Get on match.com, as well as eharmony.com. You will definitely get dates on these websites, and because members have to pay, it's less sketchy than a craigslist or even meeting some random guy at a bar.

Otherwise...just be yourself! Don't change your looks - you want a guy who likes you the way you are.

[Angela]

eHarmony, baby. It's the greatest, especially for an intelligent woman like you. I had a wonderful time on eHarmony, and highly recommend it.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hmmm... I'm like you lifequest, I hate shopping, I don't use make up, don't wear jewelry, I love moving around in the woods or climbing on mountains and most of my friends are men. But I have no problem with finding mates to date or more. I guess it's a question of inner attitude. You can wear a nerdy t-shirt and sneakers and be sexy and feminine nonetheless. You don't have to bitch around hysterically, own twenty pairs of shoes and go shopping every day to be a real woman. There are many women like us and many men who like women like us! I guess the question is more how feminine you feel inside. How much you let stereotypes make you feel unwomanly, or not.

I'm not good at giving advice on how to meet people to date, unfortunately. For me it just happens automatically, when I do things I'm interested in I meet other people interested in the same thing. Or even on the street. In a shop. Wherever. It's a matter of attitude I think. When you feel you're the sexiest woman on Earth, they'll look at you and talk to you, no matter where you are, no matter what you're wearing.

What you wrote touched me a lot, for I'm having exactly the same problem... I used to be very frustrated in the past because of that. But this forum helped me to shift a bit my inner attitude about all that and I feel much better now. You don't have to bend yourself to be what you're not. It's enough to think differently about it. Lots of Love!


edit:

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

just be yourself! Don't change your looks - you want a guy who likes you the way you are.

I absolutely agree! It doesn't make sense to dress up to please some guy.

[Holistic Star]

It's all about the vibe you give off, not what you wear.

I remember when I was very upset after splitting up with someone and just couldn't even think about dating. Well no-one and I mean not one bloke asked me out for a year, even though I was out in pubs and clubs a lot. Then one day I remember saying to a friend 'do you know, I feel ready to start dating again.' and within a couple of weeks I had loads of offers! I hadn't changed anything about how I looked, it was an internal shift in the way I felt.

I think the telling point is that you say you are wary of getting involved with someone in case they are too clingy. I think this is highly significant. Probably without realising it you are modifying your behaviour so that you 'don't give out the wrong signals' or anything that might be interpreted as flirty, which is why all your male friends are putting you in the friend category. You have formed a strong subconscious conclusion around the fact that getting involved with a bloke is problematic as 'it takes a year to get rid of a clingy guy'. Your subconscious will do what it can to protect you from that situation again so I expect that there are probably guys that you already know that do like you but you are giving off the signals that you are not the least bit interested to protect yourself.
What a coach would do, or you can do yourself, would be to help you find a new conclusion that both honours the need of the original one to keep you safe and gets you excited about dating again.

I agree with Rose that sexiness is an inner quality, it's not about high heels or being high fashion or being cartoony feminine. (false nails and boufant hair are just icky in my book!) However it is easier to feel sexy when you pay some attention to your looks. This is just a thought, but is your resistance to making the little effort your friends talk about symptomatic of the fact you are worried about not being able to get rid of someone if they are attracted to you and you're not interested? Just an idea - I let you think about that one?

[Pegasus]

Hey lifequest, I totally sympathize with you. I’m great at being friends with a guy. If it’s a guy I’m halfway interested in, I’d rather not know him than be friends with him! Once a friendship begins, there is no hope that we’ll ever be together.

As far as meeting guys, why not join an outdoors club? Even if you don’t end up meeting anyone, you’ll have fun things to do every weekend.

I have to disagree with cdn2wheeler about asking guys out. Don’t ruin the natural order of things! When a woman asks a man out, she never really knows if he is just being polite or if he is really interested in her. You don’t want a sympathy date! Real men ask women out. I admit I’ve never tried online dating. If you decide to go this route, you be the one to place the ad (with a picture, of course) and let men respond to you. Then you can select a date based on the responses.

As far as tweaking, maybe try utilizing more casual touch when interacting with available male friends. I predict that your future boyfriend will be one of two extremes: either very nurturing or really hyper-masculine.

[Spartan]

Be yourself of course, but possibly try to show a bit more of your feminine side.

That doesn't necessarily mean wear more revealing clothes, more makeup etc. Instead try and act in a more feminine manner towards people you are attracted to.

For example, try to speak in a more feminine and flirtatious way. Don't talk about blokish subjects etc.

Also, show your vunerable side and be open with people.

Most importantly though is to show genuine interest in the other person. Ask them questions and try to make them feel comfortable in your presence.

Whatever you do though I'm sure you will find someone soon. I'm going through the same worries as you at the moment and I'm only 20. I look around and think how will I find a girlfriend when most people are either already taken or completely different to me? (Irrational I know)

Don't give up hope - you found a boyfriend once so you can find another.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Pegasus

Real men ask women out.

I must admit I really don't like the term 'real men'. This notion of men having to be the ones to initiate is a very outdated and indeed sexist idea.

If you don't want to ask men out then don't, but please don't claim men have to ask women out in order to be considered real. A claim most men find offensive.

If you decide that you won't ask men out then you are only limiting your opportunites.

[NotesMaeve]

I work in a male-dominated industry and own exactly ONE dress. I feel you!

I was talking with a friend of mine the other night, and he told me, "You know, if you went to the mall, and asked how many of the pretty women there cut their own hair, play chess, and love linguistics, you wouldn't find one." It was flattering, but K had a point: You bring something totally unique to the table. When you start wearing that proudly and couple that with absolute love for your life and others, you will not be able to keep men away from you, or at least, you won't be able to keep away the best possible man for you.

Now, I'm weird about dressing a little risque, especially for my fiance. I consider it a privilege to dress in a way that sexually intrigues him. It's very easy for women who work in a field like architecture or engineering or other "guy" careers to want not to be perceived as "whores" or receive a lot of unsavory sexual attention. I have features I like highlighting with make-up and I like covering up distracting little flaws. I like my body. It makes a good impression when it enters a room. Like me, it's loud, a little awkward, and pretty fun! Why not show it off a little?

I will admit: At my old job, I worked with several engineers. I didn't come in in tube tops and mini skirts, but I had no issue throwing on fitted jeans and a cute, slightly low-cut sweater for work or the grocery store. Wearing stuff that is a little sexy simply works in my favor. It's just a nice feeling for me to receive compliments, and it's AMAZING when someone compliments my fiance on his "pick."

Being sexy is nothing to fear. Looking hot does not make you a sex object. The body is a gateway to letting people know what you can bring to a relationship. It sounds SO cruel to say, but most people you come into contact with are just going to catch a glimpse of the physical. And just because someone is REALLY into your body does not make them shallow or unable to love your mind.

[munish]

A good article by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Healthy Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum - Blogs - Revolution Health

[lifequest]

Thanks everyone for the responses!

Last night, I called my best guy friend. Basically, our relationship is kind of a brother/sister one, so I always feel comfortable asking him personnal questions because he's always been honest with me, and vice-versa. I asked him questions in regards of what's been discussed here in this thread.

His opinion is that I've neglected the "looks" department for too long(especially since I've been a student for I can't remember how long, so I own a lot of t-shirt, jeans and running shoes that were bought on a tight budget). He says that's ok, but not everyday of the year. He also says I have a great personnality, I'm ambitious, and, like he's told me before, I'm completely unaware of how I would look if I just did some minors changes that go accordingly with who I am. I know a lot of people have suggested in the prior posts to be myself and wear what I want to wear, and he says the same thing. But he also says that I should invest in new clothes that I feel comfortable in, but that would be a lot more "catch the eye" than what I currently own. His winning argument to convince me? Well, he asked me how I like it when a guy looks good... I'm not shallow, but then again, what girl doesn't like a guy that is well dressed? So basically, his argument is that it works both ways, and that it's my turn to do my part. Plus, he says not to worry about attracting the wrong kind of guys if I "dress up" a little bit. Being my friend for many years, he knows how my brain works. And being a guy, he knows he'd be wasting his time trying to seduce a a girl like me if he was looking for a relationship that's not serious, and that guys will understand that early on when they meet me. He's even offered to go shopping next time I see him (and no, he's not gay, so I'm impressed!), but that'll have to wait till next month, since we don't live in the same city.

Holistic Star says:

This is just a thought, but is your resistance to making the little effort your friends talk about symptomatic of the fact you are worried about not being able to get rid of someone if they are attracted to you and you're not interested?

I'm not gonna deny it. It's like they say in french: "Chat échaudé craint l'eau chaude", which basically means that a cat that falls in hot water will fear hot water in the future. I got burned more than once, and I admit I've become fearful. I know it's ridiculous, I know tons of guys that are ok and wouldn't pursue a woman if she doesn't show any interest, but there's always something in the back of my mind that tells "what if this guy turns out like the others? It's gonna be long and painful to get rid of him..." I will have to accept the fact sometimes it will be easy to "get rid" of the guy (I don't like that term, but there's no other way to put it), and sometimes it won't.

For example, try to speak in a more feminine and flirtatious way. Don't talk about blokish subjects etc.

Could someone define "blokish"? I don't know what that means, seriously!

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by lifequest

It's like they say in french: "Chat échaudé craint l'eau chaude", which basically means that a cat that falls in hot water will fear hot water in the future. I got burned more than once, and I admit I've become fearful.

Welcome to the club. I've been smashed on the rocks more times than I care to admit. Wanna see my scars? Point is to learn from the experience, pick one's self up and dust one's self off and go at'er again.

Granted, it's easy to say, it's another thing quite entirely to do it.

Originally Posted by lifequest

Could someone define "blokish"? I don't know what that means, seriously!

"blokish" = "guy" stuff... football & some other sports, car parts, power tools, anything involving various gases erupting from any bodily orifice...

[lifequest]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

"blokish" = "guy" stuff... football & some other sports, car parts, power tools, anything involving various gases erupting from any bodily orifice...

I can't talk about all that? Oh crap, I'm in more trouble than I thought...

[Rose of Cairo]

I don't agree that you shouldn't talk about blokish stuff, lifequest. In my experience (ok, it's just me), guys are delighted when they find a woman they can talk about computers, motorbikes, mathematics and such things with.

[m18pak]

Lifequest, I'm going to quote someone who I can't remember the name of.

"There's a reason that they call it the dating game, and it's because you have to play by the rules."

Start dressing like a girl.

[uberinquisitive]

As your friend said - try to think of what you like in a guy, too. I'm sure you want to be with a guy who doesn't always talk about shopping, celebrity gossip, and how he's watching his weight.

So, while it's ok to occasionally talk about "blokish" topics (after the Red Sox won the World Series, I had a short and pleasant convo about them with a guy), why not stick to more neutral subjects?

Work is a neutral subject. So is current events. TV shows. Movies. I mean, more than 70% of subjects are neutral and perfectly "safe" to talk about.

About looks - here in NYC, there a lot of incredibly cute tomboyish girls. It's not about having big hair and wearing dresses - but about looking stylish. They have adorable pixie hair cuts, wear enough mascara to make their eyelashes look amazingly long, and have glossy lips. They wear tight jeans with awesome belts, converse shoes spray painted with grafitti, but a really feminine looking top, with dainty necklaces and earrings. Most guys go crazy for these girls.

Above all else, it really is about being super comfy with yourself. Know that you are a rare combo of tomboy girl. You're independent. You're cute. You're smart. Right there, you are already a total catch!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by m18pak

Start dressing like a girl.

Since she is a girl, she dresses like a girl no matter what she's wearing
Telling her to dress like a girl means that if she doesn't dress in a certain particular way, she's not a girl. That's blackmailing

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Above all else, it really is about being super comfy with yourself.

Second that! If you are completely comfortable with your skin and your clothes, then what you wear won't really matter.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by lifequest

But I just don't care really to put effort into "looking great", because I'm not looking for someone that's with because of the way I look, but because of who I am.

Hi, Lifequest. You sound like a real catch, and there are a boatload of men who would be a perfect match for you.

I would just like to point out that "looking great" mostly means looking like you take good care of yourself. That's a very attractive trait in both sexes. Don't forget that most men are pretty visual, so they'll take in a lot of information consciously and subconsciously just by their first look at you. That doesn't have to mean that someone is with you because of the way you look rather than because of who you are, but it is helpful to them to give them the signal that you love yourself and love your life -- by taking good care of the part they can see.

I believe that when you keep yourself cared for and find packaging that suits you, including how you wear your hair and how you carry yourself, it sends a bright signal to men's brains that you are worth caring for. I agree that you don't necessarily have to wear a certain kind of clothing to do that, as long as it is clean, fits you well, and is flattering. (plus, you just tend to feel better when you're wearing clothes like that, and it tends to show in your countenance and your stance.)

But it also sounds like you've got some ambivalence -- you want to attract the right man, but you are looking for an exit sign before he even shows up. I can relate; I had to investigate and surrender my compulsive exit-search before I was ready for my wonderful relationship with Danger Man. It may not easy, but until you you're ready to be genuinely welcoming, without reservation, there will always be that unease, that foot halfway out the door thing going on.

Is it worth it to you to look at the source of your ambivalence and to see if its power over you can be dismantled? If it is, I would recommend making that my first priority, even before shopping ( ). If it's not, maybe you are rushing yourself into getting into a relationship because you think you ought to.

Take a look, why doncha.

Love,
Angela

[ixmatus]

Easy, start being a girl. Put your masculine complex to the side for a night out or something, and be a girl. Look sexy, flirt, and show us dudes how much we would be missing if we didn't have sex with you. Couple elegance with that and you should be able to attract intelligent and respectful men.

[lifequest]

Originally Posted by Angela

Is it worth it to you to look at the source of your ambivalence and to see if its power over you can be dismantled?

Sure, it would probably be a good place to start looking, but a very vast one I may say...

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by lifequest

...I've neglected the "looks" department for too long(especially since I've been a student for I can't remember how long, so I own a lot of t-shirt, jeans and running shoes that were bought on a tight budget)...

Not letting you off that easy, sister! Ever hear of Forever 21? EVERYTHING IN THAT STORE IS CUTE AND CHEAP!

You're 27. Time for sassy and cute fashion! I've had to rigorously discipline myself out of buying cutesy stuff, because while I love my urbane little "Give Peeps a Chance" shirt, this is a time in my life where I need to cultivate more of an image than cute little college girl.

You have to find your own style, too, so it will be a little work. I learned this the hard way.

A few good basics for any woman to have:

Black pumps - Versatility, baby! With dark wash jeans, skirt, dress, slacks, these things are priceless!

Dark wash jeans - Again, these can be dressed up or down. You can get away with these in an office that expects semi-casual. Flare leg, mid-rise. Don't be scared of tight jeans. Muffin-tops are a big no, but beyond that, don't worry unless you've got major creasage on the back of the legs.

Black pencil skirt - Just a good basic. Can go from semi-formal to formal. The cut's flattering on so many shapes.

A good push-up bra - I love the Betsy Johnson Bump 'M Up line! GET FITTING DONE THOUGH! They'll do it free at Victoria's Secret.

Stuff *I* like:

One really cute pair of casual sneakers - NOT the same as my running shoes!

A cute, sexy cocktail dress - Throwing on a dress and pumps out to dinner just wows most guys, in my experience. I could tell you what happened to me when I tried it out randomly, but not in mixed company.

Those fab little sweaters with the faux shirt underneath - Lifesaver for me!

Semi-casual slacks - I just like slacks, being a tomboy. Pair it with a sweater for the day, and at night, a fun, sexier sleeveless shell.

[lifequest]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Not letting you off that easy, sister! Ever hear of Forever 21? EVERYTHING IN THAT STORE IS CUTE AND CHEAP!

You're 27. Time for sassy and cute fashion! I've had to rigorously discipline myself out of buying cutesy stuff, because while I love my urbane little "Give Peeps a Chance" shirt, this is a time in my life where I need to cultivate more of an image than cute little college girl.

No, Forever 21 is not a store I know, as it doesn't exist where I live. But there are other stores, so don't worry

Thanks for the tips, and I think you have a point: I find my wardrobe is probably not appropriate for me anymore, since I'm 27 an not 20. I guess I should start looking to build myself a more "appropriate image", meaning looking like a woman instead of a girl.

[NotesMaeve]

For you:

http://www.forever21.com/Default.asp?cookie%5Ftest=1

Junior clothing for 15 dollars or less - dresses, skirts, pants and tops

You can find inexpensive, cool stuff on here. From Hot Couture, I have this pair of stitched jeans that literally has made dozens of people stop and talk to me.

You'll develop an eye for fashion. I recommend watching "What Not to Wear." Why? Stacey and Clinton are really good. When you start dressing to look good and you see how amazing you can look with a few changes, you WANT to do it. If you want to talk dressing body types/measurements, we can sure enough take it to PM! I've been everything from a size 00 to a size 16, and my body has gone from hourglass to pear shape, so I know about dressing different shapes.

[Cron]

Regarding "Being Yourself", I think there is a difference between pretending to be something you are not and being yourself while experimenting with new things ( or revisiting old things ).

Your "self"......whatever that is, is not static. Everything you are into now, was a new thing you tried at one point. You aren't going to go through the rest of your life unchanged without trying new stuff.

In this situation you are deciding to try new things that will improve your dating life - in addition - to working for you personally. If that later point isn't there with new clothes, acting more girly on occasion, then you aren't being yourself. However if you find some joy in new clothes or acting girly apart from attracting a guy, then you are simply being yourself trying something new.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by lifequest

As for considering asking guys out, I find that's a tricky one: I've had bad experiences in the past. And by bad past experiences, I don't mean getting rejected. I mean not being able to get rid of the guy and make him understand that "I'm not that into him"! It happened to me twice, so I feel really uncomfortable nowadays as for the subject of approaching guys. I know, I shouldn't but generalizing that all men are unbalanced, needy and clingy, I know there are so great men out there, but those two times, it took me approximately a year to get rid of each guy (yes, you read correctly, close to a year), and one of those times, I even had a bf all along!!!.

These guys wouldn't go away for a year even after you told them straight that you weren't interested in them? I've never heard of anyone that needy! What finally got them to quit?

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Second that! If you are completely comfortable with your skin and your clothes, then what you wear won't really matter.

Thirded. All the advice on femininising yourself is good and will help to attract guys, but I can assure you that you could attract a suitable guy without going to much effort (the last girl I dated was as equally attractive in a t-shirt and cargo pants as she was in a stylish red dress and matching shoes). Likewise asking a guy out could work quite well. There was another thread on that topic (which I can't find), and one of the ladies (Angela I think) said that letting the guy ask the woman out is most often the best way to go, but some pairs of personalities can match well even if the woman does the asking. And from what you've said I suspect you could be one who'd succeed in building a good relationship even if you ask the guy out (as long as he's not one of those poor needy guys!)

Honestly Lifequest, if you talk to a guy, find yourself attracted to him, and give him a chance to learn a little of what makes you worthwhile, I highly doubt he wouldn't ask you out. And if he doesn't, take a chance (surely they're not all needy)!

Also, I agree with Rose. I love it when girls are genuinely interested in stuff that typically only interests guys. But frankly who doesn't like it when someone shows an interest in stuff they're also interested in?

[Aurora]

I just wanted to tell you that I actually read this thread yesterday and deided it was time for myself to do some improvments on what I wear and how I look.

Sometimes it feels bad to eb a oman and wanna spoil oneself with makeup and/or clothes/handbags/shoes/whatev.. But the thing that got to me was - Why shouldn't I try to make myself feel good about myself.

The thing about dressing up for me, not for everyone else, is sorta new.

Sometimes, even blondes have "aha" moments.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

There was another thread on that topic (which I can't find), and one of the ladies (Angela I think) said that letting the guy ask the woman out is most often the best way to go, but some pairs of personalities can match well even if the woman does the asking. And from what you've said I suspect you could be one who'd succeed in building a good relationship even if you ask the guy out (as long as he's not one of those poor needy guys!)

From what the OP has written, I agree that she's probably one of the "exceptions" I described -- one of the women that would probably thrive in a relationship where she's more of the "leader." The trick is to not to try to make that work with a man who is also more of the "leader."