|11-07-2007, 02:15 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2006
Confused about a situation regarding a girl
(This may be a little much too read, I am sorry for that. When I write a story, I always have the feeling I need to work towards it. In fact, it may only do me bad, because I may be leaving out important 'overall details'.)
I haven't been here for quite some time. Since around 6 weeks ago, a lot of problems have been starting to occur, and I've tried to deal with them, but nothing seems to be working, and it only seems to get worse. I'm not sure whether this thread belongs in this category though. I hope people are able to give me some advice, or just read what I have said. I need a (serious) overview.
Alright. Let me start explaining what is up. Since two months ago I've been going to the university (studying computer science). I've met some pretty nice people, but also a girl that had a lot of effect on me.
It started when I had a certain class (programming) for the first time. There was a girl that was attending to it that caught my attention a little. I didn't know why, but I had the feeling I had to meet her, even though there didn't seem to be anything special about her.
After two weeks, I finally got the courage to approach her, and we started talking. After a while in the conversation, I gave her my e-mailadress, and we started e-mailing each other aswell (talking about how the world could be improved, and very nice deep things). We also kept having conversations during classes and outside classes (when walking towards our homes or towards our classes (even though we had only one class in common)). I started developing feelings for her.
I started to get to know her, and I found a lot of similarities between us. It also seemed that she liked me, because she started conversations with me as much as I started conversations with her, there were moments we only looked at each other, and moments that we smiled at each other. I finally thought to have found 'the one' I had been looking for. She is lightly autistic, like me (or at least, people tell me I am, and I've read about it, and I think I have it, even though I still question it at times).
It was all so perfect, and I felt loved in return. It was a great feeling that I had never experienced before, because I used to only fail when I liked someone. I helped her with understanding stuff about the programming class, and there were times she would just say "Have I ever told you that you are awesome?" which really made me feel happy.
Yeah, so how could things have possibly gone wrong? We both had a lot of problems before we met each other, and we managed to work around them. One time I asked her to describe herself, and she told me she always saw herself as a "little girl who was hiding in a dark corner".
After a while, she was starting to feel depressed, and I tried to help her, but it was just ticking her off at times, even though I tried my best. It was all because she couldn't keep up with the class we were sharing, and after a while (even though I tried my best to help her understand it) she gave up on it. For some reason, it hurt me a lot. Because of that, we also started seeing each other less.
There was one time she sent me an e-mail that she "wasn't ready for a relationship" and she listed a lot of good stuff about me, like the way I approached her. For some reason I couldn't believe what she said, and I was being depressed because I was wrong that she was not 'the one'. I also never said I wanted a relationship with her, even though I did tell her that she was wonderful girl. Yeah, I did give her signs.
I have always trusted and followed my feelings, and this time it said "yes" all the time. So I felt kind of lost. I started discussing what had happened with a friend, and she gave me some advice; how to get rid of the feelings, etc. I decided to show her the e-mail she sent me, and for some reason, she was able to 'pick up' the feelings from the e-mail. (Yeah, for some reason she's quite good at doing that.) She said that she did like me, but that she was scared (because in the e-mail she stated that no-one ever came that close to her, and that it kind of frightened her), and that I had to keep up what I was doing, and that eventually things would turn alright with her. That seemed like the most logical explanation to me, and I was like: "Heck, why not? I've started this, let's finish it too." I also started thinking it had only been a week since I met the girl, and that I may had been pushing things too hard.
I saw the girl a few times outside of school and she acted like nothing had happened. So I guessed that was ok? We played videogames with each other, and she was pretty good at one game. So our communication didn't die, and in fact, it only got better.
After a while I asked her whether she wanted to do something with me, like going to the zoo (yeah, why not?). She agreed. At times the communication seemed to have died a little, because she didn't let anything know from her side. After that, it got better and she asked me whether I would visit her if things would work out at the zoo.
When we finally went to the zoo together, I had forgotten something, and it really made me feel bad about myself, because we couldn't go to the zoo that day. She said I couldn't help it and that it was OK, but I still felt bad. From this point I started feeling very guilty.
That was two weeks ago, and these days she says she's happy again. But because of that, it seems like she doesn't need me, and she's a Christian, so she says "Jesus helped her". I am not a Christian, though I believe in a God, but I don't accept Jesus as my saviour. If I'd go to hell for not accepting Jesus as my saviour (and only that), I'd rather burn in hell than give up my morals.
Her view on people: "People are less than God. People have an evil nature and will always sin. Unless Jesus helps them."
My view on people: "People make mistakes, but everyone has something good inside him."
Only at those points we seem to differ, and the discussions we have about religion aren't bad. In fact, they're actually quite good, because I get to know how she thinks about stuff, and it gives me inspiration for new ideas.
However, I haven't heard from her since around a week or so, and we had a small 'fight' last time. Even though we have already made it up, I still feel bad about it, and I really feel I need to talk to her about it. Yet, she hasn't responded to my last e-mail I sent her two days ago asking how she was.
All these negative things seem to be eating me on the inside, and I'm wondering myself if I am still being rational. I seem to have lost faith in stuff a long time ago, and that's why I get ticked off at times, and may see things different than they are. I'm not even sure if I still like my current study computer science.
Since the past few weeks, I have been getting more depressed each day. I don't know why, but it really feels bad. It feels like I have messed up things. I am not even sure if it has got to do with the girl. I like her a lot, but I'm also having mixed feelings, even though nothing really has happened (and in nothing; I really mean nothing). Perhaps that's the reason I feel like this.
I have the feeling she doesn't respect me enough, but I may be wrong. I'm just very confused, and I was hoping writing this all down would help me, but I guess I was wrong there.
The most logical thing would be to kick her out of my life, but then how would that be fair? I don't want to kick her out of my life, not when I see that she has quite a good personality.
Maybe I have to wait and see what happens, but for some reason, I feel foolish for thinking that way. For some reason it feels like I am damaging my 'dignity.'
So lately, I have been experiencing the following negative feelings: fear (of rejection, because it has happened a lot of times in my life), jealousy (at Jesus (yeah, it might be a little weird)), hate (because that she doesn't seem to care since our small 'fight') and just pain.
I am sorry that this is a very long post. I hope someone is willing to read it all (and perhaps help me, even though I feel just having written this down and understanded by people is enough (which is something weird too?)).
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