| |||||||
| Social & Relationships Social skills, friends, dating, sex, seduction, monogamy, polyamory, marriage, alternative relationships, soul mates, parenting, children, family life, education |
|
Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
11-06-2007, 05:05 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 12
 |  Sex and Relationships
I was born into a conservative family that never talked about sex. I had no choice in that matter, but now that I'm an adult I no longer want to be the person my family programed me to be. I want to have no inhibitions with my sexual life. I want to be the person that can ask a friend to have sex if I wanted to and it would be no big deal. How do I do this? Any advice? |
|      |
|
11-06-2007, 07:54 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Where I am is where I'm at
Posts: 95
|
The best thing you can do is be honest. If you have a friend that you're considering having sex with, go ahead and bring up the things you're talking about in this post as far as your family goes and so forth. It's a good way of putting them on the same page as you and letting them know how you feel. Then if things seem comfortable you can pop the question. Be aware that mixing sex into a friendship is potentially risky to your relationship. Emotions will often show up when sex is involved. I don't want to impose here, but you may find yourself more happy with dating someone and having sex with them. Relationships don't have to be particularly serious and you certainly don't need to wait to have sex till your married. You can just go out and have fun and roll around in the sack now.
__________________ From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. - Arthur Ashe Career Ninja: Behind every power tie is a ninja waiting to strike |
|
| |
|
11-06-2007, 04:12 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member  Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 1,206
| Quote:
Even if you're a woman wanting to have sex with male friends, though many may agree to have sex, there's a good chance they won't be able to go without developing any feelings for you, and the friendship likely won't be the same afterward. It just depends on what you value the most, sex with a particular person you happen to be friends with, or the friendship itself. Something I'm also having to work on is that even if you have no inhibitions, most other people still do. The main group I know of that can often manage to have sex with friends is gay men (I'm a bi male, and this is simply what I've experienced and observed). Even in that group (with all its variety) it doesn't always work, but they're doing the best job of it I've seen so far. | |
|
| |
|
11-06-2007, 04:25 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,016
| Quote:
This is why, in my opinion, the whole idea of "friends first" just doesn't work in a romantic relationship. It's a completely different paradigm. One of the women I've dated in the past married her "best friend" and it worked... for a short time. But she told me she never had any physical attraction to her husband. Sure, she liked him, even loved him, but to sleep with him just wasn't something that turned her crank. They eventually divorced, and she was initially attracted to me because I didn't play the "friends first" card: She knew exactly what was going on, she knew I was attracted and I made sure that there was no mistake about it. Long story short: too much drama going on in her life with her ex and battles with him over the kids, money, etc. so we just parted. But if nothing else, it was a good lesson: the dreaded "friend zone" is very real and impossible to get out of (at least in my experience). | |
|
| |
|
11-06-2007, 05:00 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: San Rafael, CA
Posts: 4,894
|
I've posted this before, but here is a superb article I found: Managing Jealousy Jealousy is a huge reason people hold themselves back in the area of sex. |
|
| |
|
11-06-2007, 05:29 PM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 937
| Quote:
__________________ <jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that ****er's going down." | |
|
| |
|
11-06-2007, 05:45 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 452
| Quote:
However the same books claim that the situation can be eventually turned around. So as NotesMaeve, I'm not sure that anything is set in stone here. Personally, most of my early romantic relationships started as friendships. At least I thought about them as friendships. I was extremely inattentive and used to miss all cues that girls were attracted to me. Once there was a hilarious conversation: Girl: I think I have a crush on you. Me: Um, What does "crush" mean? (I'm a non native speaker, you know, and was not used to hearing something like that even in my mother tongue). Girl: Err, it means that I'm attracted to you. Me: Oh... Nothing really came out of that one 
__________________ Ilya. | |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 05:39 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 12
|
Sorry ozone, this seems to be a large question. What is the problem? What prevents you from doing it right now? What happens when you try? __________________ Ilya. The problem is I feel like I m a prude...and that's not the person I want to be...I m very liberal with everything else in life but not with sex. For some reason I believe that sex is this sacred thing and that's not the belief I want. I was also bored of hanging around the same group of friends so I thought I 'd try something new and if it works good..if not it will force me to expand my social circle (and that did happen). But it was awkward for me to ask for sex (I thought it was gonna sound selfish) so it came out wrong and she thought I wanted a relationship. |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 05:46 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 937
|
Why do you want casual sex so badly? And aren't friendships sacred?
__________________ <jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that ****er's going down." |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 06:26 AM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 12
| Quote:
Are friendships sacred? I don't know ... I love my friends but it's been a trend in my life to get a new group of friends spend alot of time together get to know them really well then get bored...and start a new cycle. People close to me have noticed this about me and told me about it. Does all this make me a bad person?  | |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 06:36 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: France now and Norway in seven days!
Posts: 2,928
| Quote:
There are men I want to be friends with, but I could not have sex with them, and other men I could optionally have sex with (and men I'm not interested in in any way). When I meet a man, I know in the first two seconds in which category he is. If he's a "could have" but for some reason we become friends, he slips into the other category and there is no way back. I'm sorry if this sounds somewhat judgemental, I don't know why it's this way for me, but that's how it is. I made this mistake once, I began a relationship with a good friend of mine. It was nice, relaxed... but there was no fire, no passion, no tension. I eventually broke up. I also had a few friends I had sex with but no relationship. Even that was not so hot. It was ok when I was too lazy to go out and chase But something was just missing, I can't explain it. No passion. No chance this could ever become a romantic story. I'm not saying that you cannot be best friends with your spouse. But sex has to come first, in my world. If sex works, we can become friends. If friendship comes first, sex just isn't the same. Ozone, if you feel prude, no problem! PM me, we talk about sex for two hours, you won't be prude anymore after that  But seriously, don't ask friends for sex. Ask strangers. Or, even better, don't ask at all. Just do it. edit: no, it doesn't make you a bad person. don't worry, you're perfectly ok Last edited by Rose of Cairo; 11-07-2007 at 06:40 AM. | |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 06:54 AM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 937
| Quote:
__________________ <jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that ****er's going down." | |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 08:56 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Seattle, Washington, USA
Posts: 2,174
|
Go here: craigslist: san francisco bay area classifieds for jobs, apartments, personals, for sale, services, community, and events Find the closest match of where you live. Click on that. Then go to the second column from the left, find the "Personals" section, and click on "women seeking men". Post something. Describe who you are. Don't talk about physical attractiveness unless you know. That's regarding both you and your target guy. Clearly state that you're looking for casual sex. Take examples from other posts. Get solicited. Pick and choose your suitors. Do not respond to anyone you're remotely uncomfortable with: there are a lot of fish in the sea. Find someone who seems nice, who seems confident, and who's not looking for a relationship/commitment. Have a conversation, agree on ground rules, ask him to show you a good time. Alternatively Under the Personals section, look under "men seeking women". Pick and choose who to respond to. Don't get hurt by rejections or ignored responses.
__________________ Currently reading: The Science of Fear |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 11:35 AM
| #15 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,016
| Quote:
Interestingly, there's an article posted on the BBC website today that goes some way in defining what makes a person attractive. Gaze 'key to facial attraction' Quote:
| ||
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 04:07 PM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 452
|
Ok, sex is sacred. Been there. Actually, I still do believe in it. But it doesn't prevent me from having sex. I don't know what happened... I guess, when I was shy and slow and scared and didn't make any advances, it turned out that girls do take matters in their own hands and make it happen. I this made me to believe that sex is not something that only guys want out of their selfish desires. Once I acquired a belief that sex it mutually interesting, I started to take initiative and usually with positive response. However, I've never asked for sex, friends or no friends. At least not verbally. Does anyone? It is usually pretty clear that two people want sex, doesn't it? First kiss may be an awkward moment, but then it is pretty clear.
__________________ Ilya. |
|
| |
|
11-07-2007, 04:48 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 1,206
| Quote:
(women and gay men could possibly get away with it, just read the men seeking men personals on craigslist)
| |
|
| |
|
11-09-2007, 10:05 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 12
| Quote:
| |
|
| |
|
11-09-2007, 10:56 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Seattle, Washington, USA
Posts: 2,174
| Quote:
__________________ Currently reading: The Science of Fear | |
|
| |
|
| Bookmarks |
« Previous Thread
|
Next Thread »
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
Linear Mode
| |
All times are GMT. The time now is 04:36 AM.