Lost ability to attract women

[champ21]

Hi All-

I would like your opinions on the following situation. I am 22 years old and, not to be arrogant, I have always been considered to be a real good looking guy. I have always had "game" when it came to talking to girls, flirting with girls, and hooking up with girls. I never had a problem getting it done until recently.

If you've read my other post this is repetitive, but about three months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. It was more like a long fling than a long-term relationship (it only lasted 3 months), but I really liked her and I thought things were going great until out of nowhere she told me she wanted to be single and that she didnt have any feelings for me anymore. This definitely hurt my ego, pride, confidence, everything, and it really has kind of led me into a depressive state. I feel changed for some reason, and many people in my life have noticed that Im different (for the worse). One of my main problems now is that I really can't talk to girls. I tense up every time a girl wants to talk to me and my brain goes blank. The more I think about this problem the worse it gets (but I cant stop thinking about it). I have tried to overcome it by going out and talking to girls, but its only getting worse it seems, to the point where Im ready to give up and just be celebent the rest of my life. It is so odd, and I cant figure out why its happening. It doesnt matter if the girl is attractive or not either, if its female, I cant talk to it. Weird f-in problem, but its driving me nuts. Any thoughts on this? Its starting to effect my friendships with guys now too because I feel less of a man since I dont have any female connection anymore, and this causes me to feel inferior to my male friends. Thanks guys.

[Angela]

What did you decide about yourself when the girl broke up with you?

"I am _________." What decision did you make about yourself?

[JimOfferman]

Maybe all you need is a little break. Stop trying so hard. Focus on some other things for a while. You sound like a writer suffering from writer's block - which I am all to familiar with. If what you have is anything like writer's block, you'll just have to trust that your "inspiration" will come back eventually and settle on enjoying some of the other aspects of life for the time being.

[ixmatus]

I am in a similar situation m8. I am 21, attractive (I can tell by the way girls look at me) and haven't been laid in a year; a year since *I* broke up with my last girlfriend (which lasted 3 yrs BTW); only exception being the two girls I had sex with the week after breaking up.

I have been on numerous dates since then, with models and regular girls, but for some odd reason everything feels very 'sterile' like I can't make a connection period with any of them (sexual OR platonic!).

So far, I have taken it as an indication that I need to focus my masculine energy on my actual purpose in life and less on girls (I was making girls my purpose before, trying to find one, but it doesn't work! trust me!). My libido is extremely potent and I am very passionate when in a mutual companionship, so, maybe I just need to chill for a while and feed my other passions in life? I dunno.

I will tell you this though, there is NOTHING 'unmanly' about not having girls at your beck and call. While, it certainly feels good, and your manhood is given a booster if you are in such a situation; your masculinity is defined by cool, calm, resolve in your purpose but also in your journey towards that purpose. No woman can ever take a man's resolve away, so stop GIVING yours up (she didn't take it, remember) and take it back - do what is purposeful to you; both money AND girls will fall in line begging to be yours, rather than the other way around.

MMmm, I feel better just writing that. Hope it helps you too.

[lifequest]

Hi,

Although I'm a girl, something similar happened to me. When I broke up with my ex, it took me a year to be able to look at a guy and find him interesting. Before that, nothing. No sparkle, no fun, I just wasn't interested in guys in general, and even turned down two guys that were interested in me for no other reason than that. I wish I had something more comforting to say, but you'll just have to let the time pass. Things will come around when it's time, but you can't decide when that's gonna be. It'll just happen when it happens.

Meanwhile, do fun things you like. Find activities to fill your schedule and that will lift your spirit like volunteering or something. Go see a stand-up show of a comedian you like so you know you'll laugh. Anything really.

As for your friends, if they only hung around with you because you had "female connections", I'd question the sincerity of their friendship. Aren't friends supposed to support you when you're going through a rough patch?

Lifequest

[cylon]

Originally Posted by champ21

Its starting to effect my friendships with guys now too because I feel less of a man since I dont have any female connection anymore, and this causes me to feel inferior to my male friends. Thanks guys.

Notice how this is all your perspective. You don't think you've "got it" (for the time being) and you're seeing it everywhere. You're seeing it in the girls you meet, projecting what you're feeling onto them (they don't know you, they don't know your history, but you feel they can "see right through you" and that sends a signal to them).

As far as your guy friends, I agree if they are your true friends they are going to build you UP. I had a horrible falling out with a girl and my buddy talked me through it, for months. It drove him crazy for me to always be talking about her but he kept listening, listening, telling me it'll pass. And it finally did. And now I don't think about her anymore.

You are not inferior to your male friends. But your sense of self is derived from something outside---having a girl to show off or whatever. Which means when you DON'T have that, you feel less of a man. But feeling like a man, comes from within. You got burned and it hurts.

Believe me, if you USE this to make yourself stronger, and get in touch with WHO YOU ARE on the INSIDE, in time it won't hurt as much.... and you'll be that much more able to handle a healthy relationship with the next chick.

But the only way to do that, is to use this as a challenge to get in touch with your best self. You have to move forward. The pain from this situation, is a signal you are sending to yourself, to work on yourself.

[lifequest]

I agree with Cylon, there's real wisdom in what he says

[Ilya]

I wonder how does the fact that your girlfriend stopped having feelings for you made you have all these feelings. How come does it hurt your pride and confidence. Don't you know that sometimes people realize that they do not love another person after a period of romantic attraction?

Did you love that girl? If you did, you are in grief, and need time. If you had some expectations about your relationship, you need to change the image of the future, so it matches the changed reality. Otherwise you are stuck in the past, in the moment when she left you. It is a kind of phobic reaction. It can be fixed, but it is best done in therapy. Or, you can try yourself to visualize the moment when your girlfriend leaves you, but in your mind, play this moment backwards, like a movie. Do that until you feel comfortable thinking about it.

And despite the fact that you started a new thread, I still think that the other changes in your life can contribute to the situation.

[eblight]

Here's a question for you: "What do you need to change about yourself to bring you back to feeling the way you did before you got jilted?"

[Markus]

Well,
I was in similar situation, too. I think almost every man gets there at some time.

This is how I worked around it:

Girls can't compensate appreciation, success, satisfaction, pride, confidence & excitement.
You need a steady "income" of these rewards by things like your job, your hobby, your friends... This will attract girls automatically (loads of them )

For example, when I get turned down by a girl, my appreciation & satisfaction will drop, too. But they'll get refuelled quickly when I play the next gig with my band or lecture a course at work.