Feel disconnected from friends

[TeeZee]

I have lived a pretty solitary life and have put a lot of effort into changing that in the last few years. I socialize a lot and go out by myself to meet new people all the time. I still find that my friendships are based on my effort. If I don't call, I don't hear from people. I recently went away for a week and not a single person called while I was away. I find this hurtful and makes me feel like I am doing something wrong or I am unlovable in some way.

This has haunted me my whole life, so I guess it's one of my "core issues", and leads to depression. Is it unreasonable to expect people to make effort to spend time with me? Constantly calling people to set things up makes me feel like some kind of outcast that people couldn't be bothered with. I lose interest in these one-sided relationships, so all this effort is wasted as another failed friendship goes on the heap.

I'd be interested in peoples comments. I have done work on myself and don't have any obvious social problems or habits that people would avoid, so it's still kind of a mystery.

[JimOfferman]

TeeZee,

There is nothing wrong with you.

Through experience and observation, I have learned that there are basically two roles people have in relationships: Organisers and Attendees. Organisers are those people who organize social gatherings (from "hey, wanna go see a movie" to organizing homecoming). Attendees just sit around and wait until they are invited to a party by one of the Organisers in their circle of friends. Of course I am massively over simplifying here, but the point is that if you are an Organiser (and from the sound of it you are), you're likely to have a lot of Attendee friends. One isn't better than the other - they just act and behave differently.

The price of being the Organiser in any particular relationship is that you are often the one who has to keep initiating new activities. Your Attendee friends don't know any better than to wait around and be invited by you.

Now, if you are the Organiser in all of your friendships, things can get a little laborious on your end. The solution, then, is to find some Organisers you can be an Attendee with! The trick there is NOT to organise an activity yourself but to attend someone else's party. Large group activities (club, dances, parties) are great for being an Attendee. They are also excellent places to be invited by some other Organiser to attend whatever he or she is organizing next.

Bottomline: don't be offended by your Attendee friends' lack of extending invitations to you. It is not that they don't like you, it is just that they are not accustomed to being the ones who have to organize get togethers (or at least not in relation to you). If you're tired of organizing, become an Attendee!

[siniy]

I have 3 real friends and I know that in your situation only one of them would call me. I know him since school and now we studying at the university. Did you want that 100 of your friends would call you?

[Christian223]

I have done work on myself and don't have any obvious social problems or habits that people would avoid, so it's still kind of a mystery.

Have you ever asked your friends?, they may tell you that "something" wich you find not obvious, but you should take the answer seriously though, and not get defensive. I once met a person who was having trouble meeting new friends, and when i told him what he was doing wrong he got all defensive and didnt want to accept it, he basically wasnt a pleasure to be with, but the oposite.
I hope that helps, good luck.

[TeeZee]

Thanks for the comments.

Jim, I appreciate what you said, and have heard this from a good friend as well. I sometimes step back and see if the attendees in my life become organizers, but I guess the roles are already set. It's not like I don't get any invitations, but I guess I always want more, which could be a little unrealistic.

I have asked other friends for advice on meeting people, etc, and no one mentioned anything that they thought I was doing wrong.

[ozone123]

Hey all! I m new to this community...Just want to say hi!

Christian123 I think your friends lilk\e you more then you know...if you invite them and they come it means they like you!!! If they dont' like you they would delcine.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by TeeZee

but I guess I always want more, which could be a little unrealistic.

Well, the trick here is to always keep wanting more ('cause that is what drives you forward and, in this case, motivates you to make new friends), but at the same time always be happy with what you have already.