Thinking about my son

[Lola]

I got to spend a couple of days with my son this week. We had a terrific time but tonight I'm feeling a little weepy and melancholy. Partly it's tiredness from staying up talking til 2 am, but mostly because one month from today I will put him on a plane to Italy where he'll stay for three years, courtesy of Uncle Sam. I know, I know. I'm far better off than the thousands of parents putting their child on a plane to Iraq. And Italy? How cool is that! I can go visit! And these days, how different is it that he's on a base in Italy instead of Texas? (Well, for one, as long as he's in Texas I can bygod get in a car and get to him in a day if I want!)

While it is incredibly cool to have a kid that grew up to be someone I would like to hang out with even if I didn't have to, it sucks that just as we've gotten to the point of relating adult to adult he's going far away. I'm really not the stereotypical clingy mom. It's just that we've been through a lot together - "grew up" together so to speak, and I'm going to miss him like crazy.

I've learned a lot in 23 years.

• That it's terrifying to nearly lose a child in delivery and you never really forget it.
  
• To not leave a partial glass of wine on the coffee table when your toddler is just learning to *cruise* furniture.
  
• That I thought my heart would break when he started kindergarten.
  
• To know how much information is enough but not too much. As in answering a third-grader asking, "What's AIDS?"
  
• That congeniality isn't just for paying clients. After his 10 year old self spent a day with me at work and observed, "Gosh, mom. Do you have to be happy like that all day at your job?"
  
• To cut back on accessorizing with luggage. Pointed out when returning from yet another too-frequent business trip and being greeted with the feigned nonchalance of a typical 14 year old, who then jokingly said, "Oh, mom! It's you! The person that doesn't really live here!"
  
• That a girl dog can be named Maxx. (You just have to use two x's).
  
• That I thought my heart would break when he left for college.
  
• That we would never be featured on an Oprah show profiling families that never verbalize affection. "And then there's us - Hey! I'm taking out the trash. Love you!"
  
• That he masterfully wields that deadly combo of smart and funny, and that I laugh more freely and with more spontaneity when he's around.
  
• That I thought my heart would break when he joined the Air Force.
  
• That I raised a tough, focused, determined guy who has overcome daunting setbacks and near disasters.

Maybe his mom can be tough, too.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

It sounds like you and your son have a very beautiful relationship. Heck, my brother lives in Florida now and I am torn up over it most of the time. It's natural to miss those people we have such bonds with. I know you to be a caring AND tough person so I am confident you will make it through (with some vacation time in Italy!) and grow even closer to the son you love so much.

Here's a hug!

[4Mind4Life]

I highly recommend that you read the book "Feel The Fear...And Do It Anyways" By Susan Jeffers. It will help you out tremendously! This can be a tough situation to deal with. Though it may be a tough thing to do, letting your son go will help you grow as a person! I also recommend that to curb the melancholy take Fish Oil @ least 3 grams per day. I think that it will help you feel more relaxed, balanced, less scared, and more at peace. It has done that for myself and many people that I know. You may not feel it work immediately, but stick with it for a month or two......I've noticed that I laugh WAY MORE, feel good, and am more confident.

I really hope that you give my advice a shot......ESPECIALLY THE BOOK!

Best wishes!

[Christian223]

Ohh what a great oportunity to try EFT, im sure that the bad feelings will banish in a few minutes (maybe not, but try), the link is at my signature, also visit Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique i hope that helps. Good luck.

[Rose of Cairo]

His mom IS tough

It must be difficult for you. Remember, we're all connected all the time. You are with him even if he's thousands of km away.

Now I am the one who wishes I were around the corner so I could give you a huge hug.

Love to you

[cdn2wheeler]

Beautiful, powerful and gentle post.

Lola m'dear, SEND THIS TO HIM!! What I wouldn't have given to get something like this from my mum when I was that age...

[Lola]

Thanks for the hugs and coping suggestions, everyone. I'm feeling the love!

cdn, I've written him lots of letters over the years. Sometimes because putting it in writing was the only mechanism for controlling my fury at some behavior or another!

I did write him a long letter when he left for basic but shoved it way down in his duffel bag so he wouldn't find it right away. (He was admonishing me to *chin-up* and didn't want mom getting all sentimental). I hoped he would find it a few days down the road, maybe when he needed it the most.

I got a letter from him later on in which he went into great, poetic detail of how miserable and homesick he was, how horrific his life was, how he hated being there, and how deeply he regretted his decision to join. About mid-way through, he told about finding my letter that very night and how much it helped him to regain his focus and remember that "somewhere out there are people who love me."

[NotesMaeve]

(((Lola)))

You've made me tear up. Your pain and love is so wonderful and deep, woman. Bless you.

[The David]

It's okay. I'm sure my mom cries everytime she visits me here in Chattanooga, which is fifty minutes from where she lives. She actually cried when I moved to an apartment twenty minutes away, and then again when I moved down the street from the aforementioned apartment. I guess if you're a parent, then even the slightest change can be too much.

[Angela]

Lola, you are a wonderful family. The love and growth you generate together with your children is a shining beacon of light for everyone to bask in.

Please give your beautiful beautiful BEAUTIFUL son lots of love from all of us here -- I don't think I'm being too terribly presumptuous by saying we all wish him love, power, comfort, and peace. And I know him having those things makes them available to you, too.

When you are missing him too much, I hope you will check in here with us for a super dose of love and support. You can count on getting it here.

lots of stinkin' love,
Angela

[Lola]

^ ^ *sniff sniff*

Originally Posted by Angela

I don't think I'm being too terribly presumptuous by saying we all wish him love, power, comfort, and peace.

I'm sure he'd also like for you to wish him success in hooking up with that really hot Italian chick!


((Thanks for the love))

[Ree]

Lola, you are obviously one terrific mother! I have two boys myself and i know that there's something incredibly special between mothers and sons and your post is testimony to that. He can't help but feel the love you have for him, no matter how far away he is.

About halfway into raising my two, it hit me that being a mom is amazingly FUN and heartbreakingly SAD at the same time. It's like nothing else.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and your son

[The David]

Originally Posted by Lola

^ ^ *sniff sniff*




I'm sure he'd also like for you to wish him success in hooking up with that really hot Italian chick!


((Thanks for the love))

Which one? They're all hot. Not that I would know.

You're lucky to have that kind of relationship together. It's kind of like my relationship with my mom, even though I complain about them sometimes. There are a lot of things we can't really talk about, but we see each other every week and treat each other like family.

Three years aren't very long. Just think about how fast the first eighteen went. I guess they're longer for the one who isn't traveling the world, though.

[Lola]

You're right, Ree, there's something about boys and their moms. And it IS fun and sad.

Which is why, David, we cry everytime our kids grow through another big transition. We've been encouraging and pushing them towards independence ever since the potty training days, and when they are really making strides in their lives it makes us proud and happy, wistful and teary all at once.

Plus, you know, there's the mom hormones workin' their magic.

[Old Soul]

sigh..... I so relate to what you are feeling. As I read this post it reminds me of something I went through when my son turned into a teen ager... I also got very reflective, and meloncholy.... My son is 24, now. sounds like you have a relationship with your son, that I have with mine.... Here is a poem I wrote for him when he had has 13th birthday... I am sure you can relate lol

"Sandbox Memories"

Seems like only yesterday I bought you a toy truck
and we made roads in the sand.
We played as if we were best friends
my precious little man
When monsters came into your room at night
it brought such pain into my heart
Knowing I couldn't battle them
so we just sat and hugged in the dark
When the first day of school arrived
the tears ran down our face
We knew we would have to seperate
from our safe place
Your friends now have become a major part
of your growing years
and I must admit I miss those times
I kissed away your fears
Hugs and kisses embaress you now
Because you are a teen
Still I sneak into your room at night
and while you are asleep
I steal a kiss away from you
and wonder who you will be
when you become an adult
with a wife and family
My son who I proudly call Michael
has turned 13 today
and he has blessed me with so many wonderful memories
from a sandbox just yesterday..

[JimOfferman]

What a wonderful poem!

[Old Soul]

:-)) Thankyou!... I still get teary when I read it sniff sniff...

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Old Soul

:-)) Thankyou!... I still get teary when I read it sniff sniff...

You're not the only one! Thanks so much for sharing that.

[Ilya]

Thanks for sharing this Lola. We have a great relationship with my mom and at one time she was putting me on a plane to another country where I was to spend two years of my life. My mom was brave, but reading your post I've seen the situation from her perspective for the first time. Thank you and please keep up your spirits. Sons do come come back, eventually.

[Honeywith4bees]

Thanks Lola ~ You've really got me thinking today about my oldest son. He just turned 16 and we still have a really good relationship. Sometimes when I get home from work and the dinner is cooked and served, the dishes and homework done and the two little ones tucked in bed, he'll want to talk about some thins that have happened in his day. Teenage drama stuff, or talk about trucks and action movies. All things that I could care less about, and in my tired, just want to have a minute to myself selfishness, I'll cut him short. You've reminded me that I am so very lucky to have those talks and to have that time with this healthy young man that still calls me "HON" (short for honey, which is the nickname he gave me when he first learned to talk.)
Thank you so much for that Lola!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Sometimes when I get home from work and the dinner is cooked and served, the dishes and homework done and the two little ones tucked in bed, he'll want to talk about some thins that have happened in his day. Teenage drama stuff, or talk about trucks and action movies. All things that I could care less about, and in my tired, just want to have a minute to myself selfishness, I'll cut him short.

Oh, I SO know what you mean Honey! Whenever I found myself *trapped* in those mind-numbing conversations I tried (NOT always successfully!) to remind myself that if I wanted him to feel free to talk with me at any time about any topic, I needed to be free to listen to him talk at any time about any topic. And so I'd give him my full attention and hear all about the coolest monster truck or whatever was that week's hot topic. But then sometimes, I'd hear him expose his feelings and sensitivites, or how the plights of the world could be addressed. And sometimes he'd even ask what I thought!

[Ree]

Oh how I can relate to both of your posts, Lola and Honey! My oldest is away at college. Being an introvert anyway, he doesn't make friends easily and he's been pretty lonely for this entire term. He calls me to talk and tell me about his professors and his classes and his dorm mates, etc. Often when he calls I'm right in the middle of "important" stuff, but so far I've managed to remember that nothing is more important than being there for him and giving him the kind of support he needs to get through this lonely time. I hope he'll always feel that he can talk to me about everything! I consider it a privilege to be on the speed-dial of my die-hard introvert son!

[Honeywith4bees]

I don't know about you guys, but I'm a single Mom and because of various things, my oldest doesn't see or talk to his Dad too often and his Dad doesn't even try to keep in touch with him! I am so grateful to have my boy still pestering me all the time!!
Ree ~ How does it feel to you to hear your son tell you his struggles at school? For me, whenever my son tells me about some relationship problem, I am instantly transported back to high school and all the old pains come to the surface! It's like he is a mirror reflection and I'm getting the opportunity to let go of the hurt I'm carrying AND offer him the support that my own parents weren't capable of giving. Ain't life grand???

[Ree]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I don't know about you guys, but I'm a single Mom and because of various things, my oldest doesn't see or talk to his Dad too often and his Dad doesn't even try to keep in touch with him! I am so grateful to have my boy still pestering me all the time!!
Ree ~ How does it feel to you to hear your son tell you his struggles at school? For me, whenever my son tells me about some relationship problem, I am instantly transported back to high school and all the old pains come to the surface! It's like he is a mirror reflection and I'm getting the opportunity to let go of the hurt I'm carrying AND offer him the support that my own parents weren't capable of giving. Ain't life grand???

Ya know, Honey, we had a discussion that made me think about this just today! He has been disappointed that there isn't more diversity in the student body at his college. He says everyone looks like everyone else and they all look either like jocks or frat boys and sorority girls. He stands out like a sore thumb with his spiked dyed black hair and two lip rings

I pointed out to him how difficult it is for most young people to dare to be different and told him how proud I am that he marches to his own beat. Then I confessed to him how I was a conformist in my teen and early adulthood years. Being prompted to remember those years, when I denied my true self and tried so hard to be like everyone else, made me even stronger in my commitment to be true to myself for whatever time I have left on this planet!

[Honeywith4bees]

Thats amazing Ree! We just moved to a new town this summer, much smaller and more rural than where we were before and my son started back to public high school as a junior. He hadn't been in a public school setting since fourth grade and found that most of the kids in his new school were afraid of him because of his look. I suggested that he might want to tone down his appearance until people had a chance to get to know him and he said that he'd rather be true to himself and have no friends than change who he is! Our kids are so wonderful! (sometimes )

[Lola]

Today was the day. His departure date got moved up a week.

We had a fabulous holiday weekend with all of our family here - 14 people sleeping all over the place, constant eating, talking, activity. Thanksgiving on Thursday, Christmas on Friday, Going Away Party on Saturday. It was fun but a bit chaotic. Plus a little discomfort on my son's part being the center of so much attention. Sunday, everyone left and it was just the two of us all day, finishing his packing, running errands. We went out to a local dive last night for his Last (American) Supper of big, greasy burger and beer. Drove him to DFW at 6am this morning for his flight to JFK and on to Venice.

I maintained just fine until that last big bear hug at the security gate when we both had a little sob.

He's off to see the world.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

A big hug to you, Lola. I will keep him in my prayers and good intentions! I am glad you had such a nice time with him before he had to go.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Lola

He's off to see the world.

...and he will soon return with lots of wonderful stories to share! I'm sure of it

Adding my hug to aspiring's for a virtual group hug! Thanks again for sharing your story!

love,
Jim.