When are ex's to entwined in personal life?

[am1re]

I am anguished, so I need more input.
I met this person (*R*) who has so many great and wonderful qualities. We were very deep together. Becoming more vulnerable. Progressing. But something was of a concern for me. I come to find out that the most current ex was a 3 yr relationship (not very healthy as told to me) and continued for 2 more years as a tenant to a property. Ex pays 1/6th per month and the rest by (*R*). When I asked if they were told about me, the response confirmed I was not. Prior ex was about 10 years ago. That one was an on/off again rollercoaster, many years younger, and has drug and alcohol issues. About 3 years later, help was needed and was hired to work in (*R*)'s office.
As a staff, they share issues, complete breathwork/meditation etc. I called (*R*)'s office to try to get some time with an early off on Friday and was told I was not made aware that I existed. More was said that seemed to cross the line of employee/employer relationship, but I could not pin point it and dismissed it. I went to office and introduced myself, and even though I may have been told that they worked there, it did not compute until that moment.

I was greeted with a hello and that employee was going to give us a ride. We went outside and still, no hug, no kiss. I realized, it was the ex at that moment.

A week prior, it was agreed that the house ex was going to move out and the property sold. I had so much hope and figured letting go of the past was doable and they did not need to be attached. I was ready to give it all and begin the journey. When I got to the office, I realized, there was another past that is still there. Both of those ex's are not in a relationship, and from what I gathered, both have not been in one.

I asked when were the ex's told about me. The house one was not, and I was told the employee was, but employee did not know about me (I had said I was seeing (*R*) for some time and maybe I was mentioned-to which I was told I was never mentioned). After our discussion about the house ex moving out, a week later, I was finally mentioned to the ex and the ex took it hard in the phone and in an email sent to (*R*). Ex at house had other hopes about the two.

I was told, if a timeline is what I ask for, a timeline could not be set and since we are at an impass, we should end our relationship. Wow. I was completely surprised, especially since I was told, what was had and experienced with me surpassed both those ex's and was the best experience ever had and was also the most appropriate relationship ever.

(*R*) also experienced grandma walking out of life as a child and was devastated.

When I did address it, I said, it was too much for me to handle. I could accept things,
1. If we had a developed relationship, a history, and the ex's came back in, (for a visit, meaning catching up or whatever), I could understand and accept that.
2. If the ex's both had relationships and everyone moved on.
3. If both ex's were light friends, and not taken care of in a home or an employee.
4. If I knew that in the future, when either of the ex's had any issues, they had others to go to and not rely on (*R*) which is what has happens.

Am I asking for too much?
Can ex's being so intertwined in someone's life and it be healthy for both and for the new person coming in and trying to have a new relationship?

I have tried so hard to find a justification for (*R*)'s actions, but all the research does not support it.

Please send me some words of wisdom, which is what I read on this site.
Thanks so very much.
A

[JimOfferman]

Hey Am1re,

Thanks for your PM asking for input on this... I'll try my best to give a sensible answer!
I found your story here a bit hard to follow, so I am first going to summarize it to ensure I at least got the gist of it:

You were (or are still?) in a relationship with R, who maintains a fairly close relationship with two of her ex-es. One was until recently living in her house and the other is a co-worker. You see these relationships as a problem (they threaten your relationship with R), while R does not. Am I right so far?

My question for you: why is it a problem? Clearly, these guys are no longer in the picture, romantically speaking, since they are ex-es and she was dating you. Isn't it wonderful that she can still be friends with her past lovers?

Most likely (if I may so bold) the problem is that you aren't very secure in your relationship with R in particular and maybe even with your relationships in general?

You are in luck though, since that means you also have the power to change all that! All you need to do is decide to build your relationships on trust and freedom from now on. Accept that whomever you are in a relationship with is free to do and choose as they see fit, just as you are free to accept that as long as you please (goes for any relationship, really).

Relationships, in my experience, are very much "you get what you sow". if you sow trust, you will receive trust. If you plant fear on the other hand...

[NotesMaeve]

Well, I'm making my fiance's ex-wife a cake just because she so enjoyed his birthday cake. So we're all pretty intertwined. I could get jealous he loaned his ex-wife the car while he was away. I did actually! But at the end of the day, who does he trust with taking care of his beloved cat? Who does he leave chocolate for in the fridge just because? Who does he call and play music for without any reason? Who did he say he is "lucky to love?"

Look at the relationship without outside influence. Between just the two of you, do you deeply and passionately love each other? If you do, this is enough to keep going as long as your heart desires.

[Angela]

Welcome to the boards, Am1re! I hope you find a lot of value here.

Two things jumped out at me about your post:

1) It's written almost entirely in a passive voice. I get the feeling that's because you wish to play your cards very close to your chest, to keep things very private and hidden as much as possible, while still being clear and related. Those two ways of being conflict. I also get the feeling that your beloved is doing the same thing.
It looks to me like you are both being less than generous and trusting in your relationship. Can you see where it might be possible that you are mirroring each other?

2) You have declared to Beloved that it's all too much for you to handle, but you would be willing to accept it under certain terms, specified by you. You have looked for "justification" but "research does not support it." (In other words, you're making him wrong.)

Well, that's not love, my dear, it is blackmail. In my book, Love means accepting your beloved exactly as they are and exactly as they are not, and creating a space of freedom for that person. That doesn't mean you have to condone any particular behavior and it doesn't mean you can't take action to transform what's not working for you. It does involve giving yourself the same benefit, though: accepting yourself exactly as you are and exactly as you are not.

Start at the beginning: with YOU. You'll be much more powerful and effective at dealing with all of the complications this person's extended family (and the rest of your life circumstances) can present to you.

best wishes,
Angela

[am1re]

All three inputs answers have valid points.
I don't want to live and have this type of relationship.
I am feeling insecure. I know that there are issues with everyone.
Why is this one so strong? So difficult?
I know it's because it's a lesson I have to really deal with.
It is great to have a good relationship with a past. I have also, but I also have done so when I know they have moved on and thre is not an over reliance on me, or me on them. I don't want to send or hope for a wrong message.
I will work on myself and hopefully learn and grow and develop a healthy and beautiful relationship.
It does scare me deeply. Past hurts. Past lessons.
I want to get it right.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by am1re

Why is this one so strong? So difficult?

You'll have to search within yourself for the reasons, I'm afraid. Maybe something from your past is still haunting you in some way?

It is great to have a good relationship with a past. I have also, but I also have done so when I know they have moved on and there is not an over reliance on me, or me on them. I don't want to send or hope for a wrong message.

My guess is that your R doesn't want to do that either. Maybe her way of sending the right message to these ex-boyfriends is just different from how you would do it.