I am loosing her. Please help!

[Antoax]

Here is my story (sorry for my English, I am Russian)

We have met each other via Internet 2 years ago. I was 23, she was 19. We had a first date just after a couple of e-mails. We have dated on a regular for about half a year. It was very happy days. We have understood that we really loved each other (she does not like the verb 'love' because it is very simple to say 'i love you' when you don't. she think the real love becomes known through our deals, through how we take care of each other). 6 months later since we have met I have moved to live with her in her home, where she lives with her mother (parents have divorced when she was 10 or so). So I have lived with her for about 14 months. Our relations were stable. We had nice evenings. We spend a lot of time with each other. It was something, you know, when you both lie on a bed, hold each other's hand, and dream of you happy future life.

But we had a problem. I had some experience in relations by the moment we have met. She had not. In fact, I was a first man of her. So, I know there are always little misunderstands in relations. Some little conflicts. So this was the case. I work hard on my self, I hope I am getting better with time, but I am not perfect. I hold a little game development studio. It is always a lot of work to do. She is studying in a university. This is not the same, you know. She expected me to attend to her every day, every hour, every minute. I really think I should have to do so. I should have present her with flowers and little toys more often. There were situations when I was not giving to her as much as she expected. I must say, there was no such a thing in our relations I can complaint about.
I think she is perfect for me. But at the same time I must say that I am not very exacting in relations. Possibly this is because she really made my life to be easy and happy. I love her very much. I think she is the woman of my life. But...

Month ago she has gone to Germany to study in some German university for a half of the year. She speaks German with ease. She loves this country. And she already had a learning tours to Germany before I came in to her life. In Germany there was a guy, and he liked her. I thought this won't be a problem because I was sure about her. We even were planning to got married with each other in the spring of 2008. But a weak ago she sent me an e-mail. She said that she thinks our relations are not ideal because we had a little conflict almost every month and the lack of my consideration was the reason. And she likes this guy to. And she thinks that she can be happier with him. And she said, she still loves me, and she does not know what to do, she needs a time.

It is terrible. I was going to visit her in Germany this December and I still am going. But I feel I am loosing her. I can not take her hand. I can not kiss her in the ear. Because she is there and I am here. (A poem?) I am crying in the evenings when I go to bed alone. I do not know what she is doing right now, whom she is thinking about. I love her so much. I feel such a pain in my heart. I can not sleep. I am dreaming of the time we will be together again. And I don't know should I fight for her love or should I just wait and pray she understand that I am the man of her life. The only available means to fight for here are e-mail, ICQ and my personal visit to Germany on 13-th of December...

What do you think?

[joyjoy]

Distance kills the relation. Trust me. If you want to fight for your love, why do not think about moving to Germany with her? Can you find anything to do there?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Antoax

And she thinks that she can be happier with him.

Hate to break it to you, but I think you may have already lost her if she really thinks she can be happier with him. She ought to know, of course, that no relationship is ever ideal. But the seed has been planted in her mind that this new guy can bring her a kind of happiness that is lacking from her current relationship with you. You can try to tell her that she will likely miss out some of the things that you do provide for her, but she may have to find that out on her own.

The wise and loving - but also hard - thing to do is not to fight, but to set her free. If you start to "fight" for her love, I can almost guarantee that you will loose. If, on the other hand, you can be understanding of her predicament and trust her to make the right decision in her life, there is a good chance she'll make the best choice for the both of you - whether that is staying with you or breaking up and pursuing this other guy.

[Antoax]

thank you, joyjoy, JimOfferman. Your opinion is very important to me.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

If, on the other hand, you can be understanding of her predicament and trust her to make the right decision in her life, there is a good chance she'll make the best choice for the both of you - whether that is staying with you or breaking up and pursuing this other guy.

What Jim describes is real love. Trust and freedom!

It sounds like you might still have a chance to make it work, when you go visit in December. If I were you, I would keep my emails as calm as possible till then, no pushing or fighting or pleading; just friendliness and affection. Use the next six weeks to think about what you are committed to creating in the relationship (not what you are committed to HER creating - what you are going to take 100% responsibility for - big difference!). After you arrive in German and have a good rest to get yourself grounded, take her out for a nice dinner and let her know how important the relationship is to you, and what you are committed to creating: peace, great sex, personal growth, etc. - whatever it is.

Ask her if she wants those things too, and if she wants to make a go of it with you. If she is willing, wonderful! Be a man of your word and create what you said you would create. Have integrity. If she says no, she wants to go another way, create those things anyway and let her go with lots of love (which makes possible friendship later). If she says she's still not ready to choose, then you must choose for yourself how long you will wait for her decision -- and tell her. You don't want to place your life on hold indefinitely waiting for her to make up her mind. You also want to be free to create a wonderful loving, mutually beneficial relationship -- hopefully with her, but you are capable of generating with any number of other women if this one chooses otherwise.

Don't worry; you are powerful and you can create what you want. Just keep creating trust and freedom for yourself and for this woman you love.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am sorry to hear of your pain. I know how tough relationships can be. I agree with Jim and Angela's advice on this one.

[Ilya]

Hi, Antonax.

Don't worry. I don't think that all as bad as Jim described.

We have a lot in common with you. My girlfriends tended to be inexperienced. I was a game developer and I'm from Russia. And I've had a painful relationship that was put to the test by me studying abroad. My relationship has failed then.
A few lessons learned. The problem usually is not that a couple is apart for months. It just highlights the problems that already exist in the relationship.

It seems that you've had some of those before she left. You write that she wanted you be near her and wanted more of your attention, and you've had some regular fights. It's normal. Relax. I think this is not the main problem.

She left to Germany a month ago, right? Well, I'll tell you what's happening. She is in another country, she is surrounded with new people. She is homesick (she misses home, her mom, her friends, and even you). That is a lot to cope with. Especially if she likes the people who are important to her to be near her.

Now, there is that guy, who can be good-looking and smart and there. He may be likes her and gives her his attention. It is very comforting. So she is confused. She is attracted to this guy, but she remembers her feelings towards you. She is torn and confused. This might be something that she has never experienced before. It is an emotional firestorm. So she is sharing it with you. Let's see, what exactly she is writing.
- She is not breaking up with you, as far as I understand. "She needs time."
This is girls' way of saying "I'm confused".
- She realized that your relationship is not perfect.
Well, whose is? You are past the initial falling in love stage, it is the time to work on your relationship.
Welcome to the club.

- You can do better.
May be true, not the end of the world. You seem to know that yourself. When you see her next time, when you write to her, try to be better.

- She can be happier with this guy.
It can seem like that at the moment. She might even be romantically attracted to him. This happens. She is not your wife yet, you should keep your jealousy under control.

Ultimately, this e-mail is a great sign of her trust for you. If she wanted to break up with you, she would. It would be a different kind of e-mail.

So, write back, tell her that you understand what she is going through, be nice as usual and stay calm. No accusations, no jealousy - that would be deadly. It may happen that in a couple of week when she adjusts, the attraction to the guy may become less or even dissappear. When I was in an international school, the people there were often receiving such controversial calls from the girls back home.
Go there in December. Unless she specifically says that you should not come and she doesn't want to see you, everything is fine. When there make it a good time as Angela suggests. I'm not sure about serious conversations, though. If she is nice to you when you are there, you might want to hold it off until she comes back home.

In half a year she will come back home (I guess, she is not in the university, just on some short-term exchange program) and then you will have the chance to work on your relationships.

That is what my experience with this sort of situations suggests. Of course I might be wrong, but it is not clear at that point.

And one last thing - you want to show your love with presents and flowers.
This may not be the good idea if you do just that. It seems to me, that she needs some quality time with you. More then what she was getting. You are free to add presents and flowers to that, but don't make it the only way of showing her your affection. She may even get offended if you do.

Hope this helps.

[ZHereford]

Antoax,

The grass always seems greener on the other side especially when you're inexperienced.

Your girlfriend has very high expectations and in a romantic setting everything appears ideal - away from home, a new guy paying attention to her, no disagreements (yet).......This is not reality. Eventually the newness of the situation wears of and she'll realize all guys and gals are human.

If you really want her, bide your time. Let her have her experience because realistically she needs it. She needs to experience life more. If when all is said and done, she realizes what a great thing the two of you had, she'll be back.
If not, life will go on and something better will come your way.
Schast'ya i zdorov'ya!

[Antoax]

Thank you fellows. Your words really help!