Getting back to being yourself

[champ21]

Hey Everyone,

I am new to this forum and have read countless threads already, and I feel that this is an online community full of intelligent and extremely understanding people. I look forward to offering advice where I am able, and of course to receiving the advice I need.

I have been really struggling with life over the past three months. It all started when I got dumped back in the end of July, and ever since then my whole life has been falling apart. Prior to this, I was an extremely social and talkative person. I had a great sense of humor, and was always at ease in social situations. I loved everything about my life and I lived each day to the fullest-- working hard, having fun, being productive, etc. I went to bed with a smile on my face every night, and woke up every morning excited and anxious to start the day. I was proud of myself and excited about my future.

Things have totally fallen apart since then. Im not still upset over my relationship ending, but now what upsets me the most is that I feel I have changed as a person. I have become a shy, timid, insecure person and have isolated myself from everything good in my life. I havent tried to meet any new girls because I dont have any confidence. Even around my friends and family, I have no confidence and am always reluctant to say anything. When I do say something I swear you can hear the nervousness and insecurity in my voice. I used to always be so loose and constantly joking around and having a good time. Now I am so quiet and timid that people must think Im a freakin weirdo. It is driving me crazy, and the harder I try to shake it the more apparent it is. My mind is blank, my feelings are empty. The only emotions I feel are boredom or nervousness--not happy, not angry, not excited. I often reflect on who I used to be (just 3 months ago), and want so bad to be that person again--the person I have been my whole life. I have seen a therapist and I am depressed, but how do I break out of this mess? Its literally driving me crazy. I have put my family through a lot lately, because they know I am extremely unhappy and they miss the old me. I miss the old me, and hate the person that I have become. Im hanging on to dwindling hope that I will once again be the person I used to be. Anybody ever experience something similar? I will give you a big cyber hug if you can help me.

[cdn2wheeler]

Hi Champ and welcome to the boards.

Here's the good news: What you're experiencing is perfectly normal. A loss of a relationship like this is very similar in process to dealing with the death of a loved one, because, in a sense, it really is like a type of death.

People manage these things in different ways, but the classic "7 stages of grief" applies almost universally. (Some distil it down to 5 stages, but the results are the same.)

So you're not crazy, you're not nutso, you're not experiencing anything different than anyone else would in a similar situation.

Now the bad news (yes, there is some; I'm not going to sit here and blow sunshine up yer kilt): If you don't get to the root of the loss and the reasons for your grief, it may get worse and eventually result in clinical depression. That, too, can be treated so it's not as if it's a life sentence or anything, but it will require some action: that is, you'll actually have to do something about it, like see a doctor or mental health professional or something.

That said, I don't think you're there yet, and I don't think you'll need those resources.

I'd send a hug but I don't hug guys. Yea, I'm funny like that. Would you consider a hearty handshake and a few pints instead?

[Life Warrior]

Champ,

I know exactly what you're going through, and have experienced quite a few times the situation when you think that your life is finally getting on track and you are begining to enjoy it, everything just falls apart.

What cdn2wheeler said is true, you must give it time to readjust to your loss. But in terms of getting back to yourself, try asking yourself what your lost relationship provided you with that made you feel so happy? Did it make you feel safe and understood, and gave you a reason to look forward to the next day? If so, ask yourself how you can generate that feeling by yourself, without anyone's help. How can you align your life and be completely yourself and happy without having someone else do it for you?

Only when we are able to generate our own happiness, can we adequately share it with someone else. Many times close relationships are band-aids for deeper issues within ourselves, and until we get to the core of them and re-train ourselves to get past them, this cycle will keep repeating itself. Best of luck my friend.

[champ21]

You guys are awesome, thanks for the quick replies.

Here's the issue. I was a totally happy guy before this relationship because I was still in college and having a blast with my friends. I was always active doing the things I wanted to do (playing basketball, baseball, walking through campus with some buddies checkin out chicks, partying). I was in great physical shape, had a ton of friends, and having fun was just second nature for me I guess. The relationship I described only lasted three months, but I can honestly say it was with the girl of my dreams, so I was heartbroken despite the relationship being brief. Now I am stuck in this rut of feeling empty and miserable, and I feel like I cant pull myself out because Im so busy with work. I work 10-12 hours a day at a boring office job, I have no interest in anything I do at work. All I think about all day is how Ive changed into a person I hate, and Im never going to regain the confidence and joy that I once had. My life is so boring, and because of that, Ive become a boring person. Any comments about this? I cant wait to resolve these issues because I know deep down inside I have a lot to offer other people and Im sick of being so selfish worrying about my own inadequacies. If I can resolve these issues I will be so grateful and want to give back 10 fold to the world. Thanks guys/gals, this is an awesome support group

[Fullcrum]

Real Social Dynamics Blog

"The Now is All There Ever Is..."

Check it out. You won't regret it.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Real Social Dynamics Blog

"The Now is All There Ever Is..."

Check it out. You won't regret it.

Yeah nice one mate. The guy is looking for a bit of advice as he is feeling down, and you come up with a bit of marketing for your website. Nice one.

[Life Warrior]

Originally Posted by champ21

All I think about all day is how Ive changed into a person I hate, and Im never going to regain the confidence and joy that I once had. My life is so boring, and because of that, Ive become a boring person. Any comments about this? I cant wait to resolve these issues because I know deep down inside I have a lot to offer other people and Im sick of being so selfish worrying about my own inadequacies. If I can resolve these issues I will be so grateful and want to give back 10 fold to the world.

Champ, don't be so down on yourself. You said yourself that you've been happy before the relationship and enjoyed your life and loved yourself. What happened to you is what happens when you encounter real love - she turned out to be a person who has the ability to heal your old childhood wounds from within. But when your relationship ended, that healing process you were feeling abrubtly ended. But your subconcious old wounds are still open, and now you are feeling withdrawal from not having that healing process continue. In reality your body is experiencing withdrawal from oxycontin. Yeah, that's the stuff the love is made of.

Remember, you are perfect and always have been. Don't let the negative self talk continue, because your words will lead to your actions. Is your intention to stay miserable, or to grow as a greater person from your experience? Feel blessed that you've experienced real love. Let your body recover and let your soul move on to the next level from this stepping stone in your life.

Focus on yourself. What makes you feel happy and lets you express yourself? Get back to working out or playing a sport if you haven't already. Try to reconnect with a few close friends. Let your intuition lead the way to start doing things in your life that let you feel like yourself again.

[Aurora]

champ21, I know what a bugger a depression can be so my thoughts go out to you.

My spontaneus thought about your current situation is that you are acutally going through a grief-process since the breakup. This is a process that occurs after every loss of importance that one experiences - so hang in there and bare with it.

I also find it to be unlikely that you suddenly changed as a person, the one you really are, due to this event. Your self-esteem clearly took a turn for the worst by the withdrawal of her, but you as a person haven't really changed. You are still the same guy underneath all these negative and bad thoughts about yourself.

If theres something I wish somebody told me (assuming I actually listened with my heart) during my depression is that the pain will pass and afterwards you will find yourself. Changed, for sure, but in a good way. You get more humble and when you get yourself back into the life you love you wil know what the other side looks like


So, take action for the depression, and just hang in there. I really believe this will give you a depth to life.

[Fullcrum]

It's not my website. I was trying to help as the most recent blog post genuinely helped me when I was down.

Anyway the gist of it is that you are currently stuck inside your head. Most of the time you are trapped in negative thought loops saying "Oh no, I'm shy and timid."

If you were social before, and after getting dumped, you have shown a more timid side, realize that it's all in your head. It's always in your head, but it's much easier to observe here. YOU keep recreating the past everyday and allow that thought activity to make you feel timid and stifled. The solution is to focus the majority of your attention on the present moment. When you do not, you reduce NOW to a stepping stone, which is like removing the life found within every moment. You reduce it to a concept, past or future. You only ever think about those things "now" anyway.

As for the boring thing, experiment around. If you're bored to tears with your life, then experiment around with things you want to do. Did you become more busy with work after the breakup? If not, then you still have time for the things you love.

Oh and, don't be so hard on yourself! This is one of the most important things. Just think of the emotions as telling you a message. Have you read Steve's "Dark Night of the Soul" post about "negative" emotions?

[champ21]

Thank you everyone who replied...It feels better knowing that maybe what Im going through is normal and that I will pull out of it. One other time in my life I was very depressed for a couple of months and I remember that once I felt better, there was no better feeling in the world. You do learn to appreciate every little thing and live a much fuller/deeper life once you recover, and I guess Im so anxious to get that feeling back that Im probably trying too hard to feel better, and that's why it isn't happening. Fullcrum, thank you for that website link. The part that made sense to me the most was the fact that you go along in life with this ego and this sense of invincibility, and while youre experiencing this life is great because you feel totally in control of yourself and everything around you, and it is almost as if youre living in a cloud. However, when your ego is crushed and your "armor" is penetrated, whether by a girl or a bad break at work etc., you fall from this cloud and crash hard into earth. And I think it takes some people a lot longer than others to recover from this fall, and maybe that is what has happened to me. Thanks again everyone for your insight and advice. Talk to you all soon.

[Ilya]

Hi Champ!
You seem to have had many changes in your life recently. Finishing college, starting and finishing the relationship, starting a job... It all takes time to adjust to. You seem to connect the changes in your personality to the end of the relationship, but it may be the whole lot of events. Especially the first office job can be a mind numbing experience.
Try to reconnect with the old buddies or find new ones. Find a hobby. It is going to get better.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by champ21

I work 10-12 hours a day at a boring office job, I have no interest in anything I do at work. All I think about all day is how Ive changed into a person I hate, and Im never going to regain the confidence and joy that I once had. My life is so boring, and because of that, Ive become a boring person.

Like Ilya, I'm not convinced that the relationship is the issue you need be focusing on. With a 10-12 hour per day job do you at least have a day or so free on weekends? You need to take on at least one or two fun hobbies. I'd go for something that really wakes me up without taking more than a day every week or two, something you can really look forward to.

Given my inclinations, that'd be something like skydiving, paragliding, flying gliders (fairly inexpensive planes without engines, not hang gliders), Parkour, or maybe even just regular wall climbing. My brother works ~70 hours per week in Silicon Valley and has his fun skate boarding.

You need something physical to get you out of your head. Maybe even start working out a few days per week if you can (walking, jogging, riding a bike or whatever), it'll likely give you more energy and has been found to work at least as well as antidepressants. It doesn't have to be anything expensive, just find something physical that you can enjoy and that gets you out of the house.