Patience? Need advice on current situation.

[tefaroko]

So I've been sort of seeing this girl for a while. Talking to her online mostly, since around...I'll say June. We've met 3 times, the last time a week ago.

Its sort-of-semi a long-distance thing, I'll say shes about an hour and a half away while @ school. That, along with conflicting schedules, accounts for the limited number of meetings.

So anyway. After last weeks date, she more or less told me she would like me to meet her family. She even went as far as to say she would invite me to Thanksgiving, but feared that that would frighten me off. I responded with a long letter detailing how it wasn't frightening, essentially there was no one else on my end, and that we could move at the pace she was comfortable with. She never *directly* responded to this letter.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those annoying people that feel the need to "define" relationships. Or the lack thereof. Sometimes I feel like we don't really talk often enough, we talk most days, but sometimes its only for 30 minutes or so.

ANYWAY, getting to my point. I am at least smart enough to know to keep these crazy questions to myself, but that doesn't stop them from festering. I am well aware of the huge turn-off any sort of sign of desperation is. I'm not desperate, in fact I wasn't even looking to get involved with anyone until I met this person.

I would just like everyones opinion on what exactly this means. By saying we could move at her pace, have I unwittingly rendered myself unmanned? Where exactly, in your opinion, do I stand?

I know patience is a virtue, but I also know if you snooze you lose. Should I just maintain the status quo and let her make the next move? Do I risk losing her by my inaction?

Thanks in advance.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by tefaroko

I responded with a long letter detailing how it wasn't frightening, essentially there was no one else on my end, and that we could move at the pace she was comfortable with. She never *directly* responded to this letter.

So, how did she respond?

[tefaroko]

Never did, its hard to explain. I send an email in the morning before I head out, and then we talk via IM later in the day. So its not an odd thing for her not to directly respond to what I say in the email.

I mean maybe its odd, but its not like that was the only instance of her not replying.

[uberinquisitive]

So...are you going to Thanksgiving with her?

What did she say in IM?

[tefaroko]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

So...are you going to Thanksgiving with her?

What did she say in IM?

I really don't remember specifically what she said, just like small talk and stuff. She initiated though, so I don't think its like a courtesy thing.

No, I'm not going to TG with her. I have prior plans, but never had the opportunity to tell her, as I instead directed my reply to assuring her that she hadn't scared me off, and would love to meet her family. She didn't bring it, or anything even remotely like it, again. (Though, it has only been a week)

Heres a complete sidenote. Have you ever noticed when you write out what has happened, or what is happening with regards to a relationship, it can seem so much more cut and dry than it is in reality? Its almost impossible to convey the nuances of conversation in like Clif-Note form.

So essentially, distilling all this crap down in to one question; do you think I should just continue talking, not press the issue, and let her make the next move?

[JimOfferman]

At the risk of stating the obvious, I think you should do what feels right to you. If you feel it is time to have the what-are-we-and-where-are-we-going talk, then have that talk. If you feel it is okay to let things linger for a while, do that.

Keep in mind, though, that your need for clarity is a bit of a guy thing. That is, in general, us men tend to be very black and white: you're either in a relationship or you're not. Women often have more shades of gray in their palette...

So you need to be careful about how you bring it up. You may still be thinking 'black' (there is no relationship, 'cause you guys didn't explicitly say you were in one), while she may already be thinking something close to white. You definitely don't want to hurt her feelings if she does. Close to white is good...

[tefaroko]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

At the risk of stating the obvious, I think you should do what feels right to you. If you feel it is time to have the what-are-we-and-where-are-we-going talk, then have that talk. If you feel it is okay to let things linger for a while, do that.

Keep in mind, though, that your need for clarity is a bit of a guy thing. That is, in general, us men tend to be very black and white: you're either in a relationship or you're not. Women often have more shades of gray in their palette...

So you need to be careful about how you bring it up. You may still be thinking 'black' (there is no relationship, 'cause you guys didn't explicitly say you were in one), while she may already be thinking something close to white. You definitely don't want to hurt her feelings if she does. Close to white is good...

Thanks for the reply man, I'm glad its a guy thing rather than a just-me thing. I'm definitely looking for white, I'm not like trying to get out of anything or looking for permission to pursue someone else.

Just the dangling drives me crazy.

However, like I said, I am glad I at least have the good sense not to voice *most* of my insane overly-analytical thoughts.

Like I said though when I write it all out, the Thanksgiving invitation, just some comments she made about enjoying the date, etc, I feel like I should be much more assured that there is something going on than I am.

As it is, I'm half waiting for her to come online and tell me about some fantastic guy shes met, haha.

Again, thanks for the reply, I go to brood some more.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by tefaroko

Again, thanks for the reply, I go to brood some more.

Good luck with that! If it is any consolation, the brooding is a guy thing too - one I am all too familiar with.