Please help me find a better perspective

[silver7]

Hello smart people!!
I´m a 40 year old woman that has had a lot of good and bad experiences, many ups and downs. I have seen a bit of the world but in many ways I´m just begguining. I´m in recovery in a self help program. And my life is changing for the better one day at a time.
I´m still discovering and learning about myself and life as it really is and I find that listening to others experience is very helpfull.
At the moment I´m going through a difficult time. About a year ago I met a man in the same group I really liked him and was very happy when he invited me out. Then before our date, he told me he hadn´t finished with his girl friend. Instead of calmly telling him no, I was very upset and argued with him.
We didn´t go out, but keept seeing each other at our meetings, recently he helped me with some things around my house and we landed up kissing and that turned into sex. We are both very busy people but I started to feel him pulling away from me, when I suggested going out together he felt I was complaining. At first I felt misunderstood I wasn´t complaining I was just trying to make things better. I started to feel insecure. He pulled away even more so I said maybe we should be just friends and he said he just hadn´t ended it before because he didn´t want to hurt my feelings. Then a week later I hear he gave a job to a girlfriend, he says he wasn´t with her when we were together. He says he wants to be friends. I feel hurt and sad.
I still like him and want to be with him and feel like I spoilt every thing, and then I feel angry and used and think I should keep my distance from him.Either way he doesnt want to be with me and I´m finding it hard to accept. Please if you could share your thoughts with me, I would be very greatfull. Maybe I can find a better perspective with your help.

[JimOfferman]

What a dud! You definitely deserve someone better than this guy, period. So it is really easy: forget about him and find a real prince!

Seriously, anyone who doesn't find you insanely beautiful inside out and doesn't want to be with you night and day (well, maybe not literally) is just not worth your time. You are wonderful and don't let anyone convince you otherwise - ever! 'aight?

big hug,
Jim.

[Holistic Star]

Right so he asked you out when he already had a girlfriend
He didn't tell you about his girlfriend until the last minute
He used you for sex
He made out you were being unreasonable when you asked to see him again and did some emotional 'crazymaking' with you.
He lied to you about being with his gf

Remind me what you see in him again?


If you want something to read that might help you spot someone who is manipulative then read the Manipulator files at Heartless bitches.com Heartless Bitches International - "Deal with it!" Rants

[Angela]

Bom Dia, silver7, and welcome! I hope you get muito value out of this forum.

What you had with this fellow was just arroz e feijao. Let him go, but take a look at what you created by your attraction to this fellow -- indeed, you knew at the start that he was not available, and rather than accepting that, you tried to argue him into being available to you. Not much freedom or love in that, is there?

You didn't spoil anything. This man was never available for a relationship with you, and nothing you do or could have done would change that. Accept him for who he is, and for who he is not.

And now go find the prince Jim was talking about earlier. And remember to practice acceptance with him and with yourself.

Beijos,
Angela

[uberinquisitive]

I've been in a similar situation. And, it's only natural to feel hurt.

You may want to read books on commitment-phobia (for you...you attracted his guy into your life).

[silver7]

Dear Angela thank you for your answer.
It did help, thought at the time, me and the guy had got together he had left the first girlfriend and I thought he was single.And buy the way what is arroz and feijão?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by silver7

And buy the way what is arroz and feijão?

When I lived in Salvador, everybody had rice and beans every day. The family I stayed with told me that was how they referred to sex in that neighborhood -- because you have it every day -- just like rice and beans!