Adult male virginity & Social phobia

[Helpmehaveabetterlife]

Hi, I have a bit of a problem and I would like as many people to give me their opinions as possible.

I am 23, and a virgin. I am also pretty sure I have social phobia. Also, I can't drive and have no license. I don't have a job either. I don't get out much, as you can imagine.

I have some ideas about how to get out of current situation. I would like some feedback on these ideas.

***************
how to get out of my very depressing situation...

First, start learning to drive. This shouldn't be too hard, and it would give me more confidence and more independence. It would give me a big boost of motivation too.

While doing this, I will follow the book "Anxiety and phobia workbook 4thed" for my social phobia. Everything I have read about it online says it is THE book for anxiety disorders.

I will also be improving my health and appearance as much as possible.

Then, I will get a job and use the money to further my self development.


***************

Anyway, you get the idea. I guess the reason I am asking this is because I feel overwhelmed by all of the things I think I need to do.

I honestly have no idea why I am posting this. I guess I need someone to reassure me that I am on the right path.

[JimOfferman]

You're on the right path... just take it one step at the time from here!

[Truefire]

You're on the right path, and it is so worth it in the end. It gets easier over time. So much so that you wouldn't have it any other way...

You're taking a mature path, which is really commendable considering your position!

I would advise maybe seeking out a counselor, or a group that could help you out and keep you motivated in the long run. This forum is great, and face to face "talking it out" goes a long way too.

[openeyes]

Getting past old limitations and gaining new abilities is a great rush. You're headed in the right direction, and it's exciting to think of all the possibilities that will be opening up.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

You've got a solid plan. I can already imagine you with your revamped life, confident and happy.

For me, the easiest way to accomplish a lot is to break it down into tasks, which you have done. First make sure you are taking care of your body. Then, just move to each task in your plan and work through it.

Also, not sure if this is of any consolation, but I was a virgin until 25 (though I am female, they say it's not as bad for us ). Depending on how long it takes to complete your plan, you could have me beat .

You are on the right track. Go for it!

[NotesMaeve]

A friend of mine was in a similar situation, except he had the additional handicap of being 7' tall and having a fresh mouth! Now he's in school, graduates next semester, makes friends easily, and women LOVE him. It can totally be done!

[CBlokland]

...and have sex with the first willing girl.

Because the first time it's not some "super special / romantic / amazing" experience like on TV where you have to 'save' yourself for 'the one'.

Best get it out of the way ASAP and you'll realize it's no big deal.


...and I'm only half joking with this.

[Bene]

Just realize that its your internal conditions (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, self-image) that are creating your external life.
I think self-love and self-acceptance are important.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by CBlokland

...and have sex with the first willing girl.

Because the first time it's not some "super special / romantic / amazing" experience like on TV where you have to 'save' yourself for 'the one'.

Best get it out of the way ASAP and you'll realize it's no big deal.


...and I'm only half joking with this.

I agree, and I am absolutely not joking.

Find out about it as soon as you can. This doesn't mean that you should be callous, overbearing, demanding, etc. But do try it out when you have the opportunity to; and the opportunities are hardly rare, if you know where and how to look for them.

Make mistakes. Get hurt. Learn from it.

[Helpmehaveabetterlife]

Thanks for the replies guys...

One problem I face is .... well... a feeling of heaviness on my chest... and a feeling of depression.. when I think of this problem.

Also... what happens AFTER I get a job and learn 2 drive, and get a car? How do I go about finding girls when I have no friends to network with?

[Michael Chui]

The job will help with that. Generally speaking, a job will necessarily bring you into contact with other people. Make friends with your coworkers and hang out with them. It's not hard if you go with the flow; most people naturally invite the new guy if he shows an interest.

[Truefire]

Originally Posted by Helpmehaveabetterlife

Thanks for the replies guys...

One problem I face is .... well... a feeling of heaviness on my chest... and a feeling of depression.. when I think of this problem.

Also... what happens AFTER I get a job and learn 2 drive, and get a car? How do I go about finding girls when I have no friends to network with?

Since you will have a job, you will also have co-workers. There are going to be people that you can relate to. Talk about sports, cars, movies, relationships etc. Start watching popular TV shows like Greys Anatomy and Heroes, and MTV when you can stand it. They will give you tons of material each week that you can talk about with other people.

If you are totally innocent, then act that way, but don't come on too strong either. Be yourself and be willing to experiment and have fun.

Keep an attitude in mind like "I'm new in town and looking for cool people to hang out with."

For that heaviness in your chest: breathe deeply and try a little bit faster too. Roll back your shoulders and keep your head up. Imagine a string pulling the top of your head upward and straightening out your entire body. relax your face by smiling just a little bit. The heaviness should disappear in a few minutes after doing this.

[CBlokland]

I wouldn't watch TV just so that you have something to talk about with other people.

In my opinion that leads you down an approval seeking path and away from living an authentic life.

[Paul C]

Originally Posted by CBlokland

I wouldn't watch TV just so that you have something to talk about with other people.

In my opinion that leads you down an approval seeking path and away from living an authentic life.

I couldn't agree more there...

-----------
Helpmehaveabetterlife, I'm in a somewhat similar position as you, but I'm not so concerned about the virginity issue- all in good time. From what I've learnt recently by not generating my own income(most likely from a job at the moment) is how restrictive one can feel, so it would be best to take action, any action at all to avoid becoming stagnant in your position (as I've noticed within myself a little). The longer you stall, the more resistance you may feel by moving out of your comfort zone.

But it's also important that you don't bury yourself under a pile of stress, really evaluate what's important for you, not what everyone else thinks might be 'important' for you. And seeing that I'm a little younger than yourself I would say that we have ample time to figure out such perceived inconsistencies.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Helpmehaveabetterlife

Thanks for the replies guys...

One problem I face is .... well... a feeling of heaviness on my chest... and a feeling of depression.. when I think of this problem.

Also... what happens AFTER I get a job and learn 2 drive, and get a car? How do I go about finding girls when I have no friends to network with?

Women can be found in many places, such as bars, supermarkets, and cosmetics counters across the world!

As I was explaining to my future BIL this evening: If you are gainfully employed, reasonably good with money, take care of your body, and are kind and honest, it's nearly impossible not to attract women.

[Fullcrum]

TV is BS.

Go out. Go to malls, bars, clubs, parks, and events as a start. Approach strangers. State how many you will approach in one night. Go out with these two mindsets:

1. I do not give a damn about what anyone thinks of me. - Number 1 Rule

2. My game is a TEN. I am ultimately deserving and have a total abundance of social experience.

Socializing should be fun, so make it really fun!

You don't need a car, a six-pack, to watch TV, have money, or have nay external concerns to get girls. You need unshakeable core confidence, one that comes from within and thus does not change due to external events. IT DOES NOT CHANGE!

You get the other things to expess the joy within. You don't get the money for the external validation it brings, you get it for the expression of that which is within.

Besides, when you're socially calibrated and come off as a cool person, people will:
1. Buy you free drinks
2. Drive you around
3. Many other things you probably would not dream of (or maybe you do).

[Truefire]

My TV idea got/will be shot down, so let me elaborate on why I suggested it.

Personally, I think there is some quality programming out there. Heroes, Lost, Prison Break are among my favourites. There's movies and all sorts of stuff on Tv. Better yet, you can just download or watch things online, thereby cutting out the commercials and still getting to watch the story unfold.

The way I see it, you are just being entertained by a story. As an aspiring actor(yay my new career path), I can evaluate the acting, the writing and production on the show/film. I enjoy shows the way I enjoy books. I don't watch a show because it's popular, I watch it because it's fun to watch. I don't even involve my head in the approval/non-approval mindset.

If you are looking to improve your personal style and become social, then TV is a great idea because almost everybody watches it. If you want to be able to fit in with other people and create a social life, you might as well be able to relate to people. Almost every hot girl out there seems to love Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Houswives. It also happens to be an interesting show. I watch an interesting show, and also gain some material to talk about with other people.

For example, I watched Bigshots when it came out(I've stopped because I have to work during the timeslot). Later that week I was sitting in philosphy class and the girl next to me brought up the show. We didn't focus much in class, but we had a great time talking about the show. The same goes for movies. I've had way too many conversations about Office Space, which I saw on television. In my old college residences/dorms, we had Lost nights, and everybody seemed to show up for Family Guy. If you want to know what's in fashion so that you can update what you wear and look cool, MTV and soap opera's are a good way to go and get ideas because they have to be up to date to be as popular as they are. Sue me for using a free resource.

However I don't believe in watching something because everybody else does. I hate Desperate Houswives, Survivor and most reality Tv, so I don't watch those. I don't watch news because they give poor reports that leave out important details that I can get from a newspaper. I also don't believe in watching Tv for long periods, in fact I can't sit down for that long.

Contrary to popular opinion, you don't need Uber-core-confidence to have a decent social life. Just be fun and be cool at first. Learn to be normal, then move up from there.

Eventually you learn that being normal just isn't enough to be happy in life.

[thesnowyeti]

and also just remember to smile, be kind, and don't try too hard to fit in. i overcame my social phobia by realizing that when i talk to someone, i am one of the hundreds of people they talk to every day. one single botched conversation won't have much consequence from their point of view; instead of thinking "what a social retard" they will probably just shrug their shoulders and move on. making a fool of yourself a few times isn't the end of the world. it's long-term trends over many conversations that a person is judged by, so all i had to do was just consistently be kind for the most part, and bam - i had lots of acquaintances. once i was comfortable talking to these people, i became closer to the ones i was interested in, and the ones who were interested in me. i got to know them better, and voila, i had friends . i ****ed up many a potential friendship and humiliated myself horribly in front of people i respect, but without the failed attempts there wouldn't be any successful ones. i just moved on from the bad parts, because they're only temporary, while the friends i made in the process are permanent. just remember to be kind, and most importantly show interest in the people you want to know and don't forget to just be yourself.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Truefire

Office Space

"Bring me back my stapler or I will put the building on fire!"

(Office Space is more or less required viewing for people who want to work at our company. If you haven't seen it, you are not going to understand half of the comments made during the day...)

[CBlokland]

I still think 99% of TV is a waste of time.

It's just programming you to think in certain way. What's cool, what's important, who's good looking, how to behave etc.

Really, when I look at people around my I can see where they got 60% of their Schema from on how to live life, TV and films. And that's not a good thing.

Also, you don't get hot girls by being able to talk to them about Grey's Anatomy.

[Fullcrum]

You obviously (or not so obviously) do not need core confidence to socialize.

But damn! It sure helps. You might as well develop it anyway. Then you apply it and take on the behaviors of that dude with uber core confidence. When that happens, it's a beautiful thing, because not only do you fit in by default, but you stand out. Personally I couldn't give a **** about fitting in.

You might not want to become a social monster or get away with crazy stunts that break all social norms (in front of everyone, to shocked expression), but developing core confidence is the most steady and permanent way to get better at being social and...everything else.

I don't watch any TV shows except National Geographic and the Science Channel sometimes. I'm also really social and do lots of things outside because I vibe well. So TV can help, sure, like others have said, and if you like it then do it, but you don't need it, and if you find all these shows boring (like I do) you don't have to watch them.

[Truefire]

Originally Posted by CBlokland

I still think 99% of TV is a waste of time.
Also, you don't get hot girls by being able to talk to them about Grey's Anatomy.

yeeeaaahh, hi, I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one...

It's like being good looking. It can make it easier to approach people, but isn't necessary either.

TV is non-essential, but that idiot box can be an asset in the social game.


I have to post this link while I'm here: How to have more social success | Free practical advice on social skills, getting along with people, and getting your act together
Great resource for hard up guys.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Truefire

It's like being good looking. It can make it easier to approach people, but isn't necessary either.

Everyone is good-looking to someone. There are amputee fetishists.

Originally Posted by Truefire

TV is non-essential, but that idiot box can be an asset in the social game.

TV is useless when you're talking to someone who doesn't watch TV. On the other hand, if you're trying to make friends with people who obsessively watch X, Y, and Z shows on TV, then yes, you have to watch TV.

It's your call. What kind of idiot box watcher are you interested in? Sports fanatic? Idol cheerleader? Heroes wannabe? Jeopardy! specialist?

Here's the real key:

Find out what they're interested in and talk with them about it. That's it.