Story of a Newly Single Girl

[ella]

Approximately 4 weeks ago, I became single again.

He was my first love. We were in love, compatible (according to the pre-marital counselling we did) and wanted to get married after a year of dating. Unfortunately his parents did not think so and opposed us together.

He mentioned breakup at that point in time, but quickly retracted it and said that he loved me and if he were to leave me, he'd spent his time looking for someone else exactly like me but someone his parents would approve. We agreed to work things out.

To be honest, at the beginning, I didn't even take the issue seriously. This was due to a number of reasons.
1. My parents are always supportive of what I do that I never felt the need to have to seek their approval for my actions, but simply notify them out of respect.
2. Given the century we live in now, I didn't think people still thought they could control their childrens' lives.
3. His parents are pastors at our church and always nice and polite to my face and never once indicated that they disapprove me to my face. Even when I later on confronted them face to face, they were evasive.

At any rate, I made a decision to take the responsiblity for a few changes so that I can appear to be more ideal daughter-in-law material to them. These include:
1. changing career to something that's more stable
2. learning to cook
3. try and put some weight on (I am underweight but healthy)
When I made the decision, I said to myself that the only way for this to work was if I did it for myself and I genuinely took the opportunity to improve myself for my own good and did it cheerfully and with some marked results (except for the weight part).

Perhaps due to the lack of agreed upon performance indicators, his parents never saw the change and continued to oppose us. He had a number of heated arguments with his dad which resulted him being threatened to be disowned if he insisted on marrying me. This matter dragged out for the next year while we tried different strategies to work things through.

He brought up the option of breakup a few times throughout the period and we had a discussion each time and decided to keep working. I had been optimistic throughout the period and saw the situation as temporary. I guess he was getting more perssimistic and eventually believed that his parents would never change and that he had to make a decision. So he decided to break up with me.

I agreed to it at last because:
1. I was getting exhausted as well and while I was happy to keep going, I was not going to do it on my own.
2. I had came to term with the possiblity that he plainly did not love me enough to overcome this obstacle with me, and that I deserved someone who loved me as much as I love him.
3. He communicated his message in a way that got to me, he said that he believed he can find someone better than me. As soon as he said that, I stopped myself and said, ok, if that's what you want, good luck.

I cried that whole day that day while we talked, and the next day (at work), then I stopped crying (mostly). It was so difficult at first, the days seemed so long but then they got quicker.

I had come to term with the fact that the breakup was for the best at the time. The relationship had not been the same for months as our communication channel blocked. He admitted that he had been considering this breakup for months and slowly pulling away from the relationship.

I had been determined to get something possitive out of the demise of the relationship that would equate my pain. I had been looking and I found them. I now enjoy a much closer relationship with God, my family and my friends. I now stop to "smell the roses" and I am much more disciplined in terms of keeping my promises to myself, to push through the pain with my eyes on the goals. All in all, it's been a fantastic learning curve and I am grateful for the experience. As much as I hoped to gain this while I was in the relationship, the break was really the catalyst for the breakthrough I needed.

I had stopped asking the why questions (why would his parents treat me the way they did being disciples of God who said to love everyone the way God loved us, why would he say he can find someone better than me being the kind man he is).

The internal dialogues which used to make me cry now make me stop for a moment before I move on. Although... with a post-grad exam tomorrow, I can't really afford too many distractions at this moment.

I do have a question though. While I have mostly let go, there is a small part of me that still hoped that our time apart would not be permanent, that we'd both learn our lessons separately and come together at a later stage.

I had only shared this thought with our counsellor and a close friend, and they both seem to think it's harmless. In fact, the friend said that the fact I still wanted to be with him despite what he did showed that I had no pride and humility is what God loves.

I do not entertain this thought to myself often but when I do, I question how I can completely move on when I still feel this way? Should I not insist on cutting off all possiblities of us being together before being truely free?

What do you think? Thanks for reading through this massive post and for your replies.

[Angela]

Hey, Ella, me again. The first thing that ran through my head when I read your story was, How do you think marriage would be with a man who is willing to have his most important life choices made for him by his parents? You can be pretty sure that if you were to somehow break through the barrier of their disapproval, more situations would come up soon enough in which your decisions as a couple would be not only influenced by his parents, but actually made by them! Would you really want a husband who was this, well, weak?

I hear a strong, loving, growth-oriented voice behind your post. Hold out for an equal partner, and chalk this man-boy up to a great learning experience.

[ella]

Ahh, Angela, the voice of truth and reason.

What you said is one of the many reasons I gave to myself for believing the breakup was the best thing that could happen at the time.

I guess I still wished, deep down within me, that he could learn the lessons he needed to really grow and be the man I know he can be. I guess it may well happen, though perhaps not with me, and that pains me.

I just want my own fairytale ending, damnnit!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ella

I just want my own fairytale ending, damnnit!

Generate it, then! But pick a prince who rules his own realm.

You don't do anyone any favors by choosing a potential person. How would you feel if a guy told you, "You know, Ella, I really love the person you could be, if you'd just make the changes I want you to make." There's no freedom in that for either party, you know that.

You need the Pain Hospital!! Weeee-oooooo-weeee-ooooo-weeeee-ooooo... that's the ambulance, bringing you here to be supported by people who will remind you that you will get through this just fine, maybe even with a little face work done while you're here. We will give you intravenous love and positivity pills, all you have to do is let us nurses know what you need!

Oh, and AspiringToClarity will stop in and tell you about how she actually turned around what appeared to be an impossible situation with her beau. Powerful girl that she is, she used freedom, acceptance, and self-awareness to transform her toad into a prince. Transformed herself too, while she was at it. She's Head Nurse of the Pain Hospital!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by ella

2. I had came to term with the possiblity that he plainly did not love me enough to overcome this obstacle with me, and that I deserved someone who loved me as much as I love him.

And that, in a nutshell, is the truth, sweet Ella.

Don't ever settle for good enough. Or hope the good enough will get better - someday - maybe. The RIGHT man will fight any obstacle to be with you. You absolutely deserve mutual, reciprocal love.

And the parental over-involvement in his life? Big red flag. HUGE.

[ella]

Ouch, Angela, that hurts...

I understand exactly what you are saying though, for a whole year, I felt his love for me was based on conditions; he would love me and be with me if only I did this and that so that his parents would approve of me. I felt that our plans were put on hold as we could not move forward as a couple the only way was to regress.

I guess what I am trying to say, though maybe I cannot articulate it clearly, is that given time, should he decide to grow up on his own, and me on my own, I have not ruled out the possibility of us as two new people forming a new relationship together. The relationship, as it was, is well and truly over. To be honest, given the clarity I had since, I would not be happy to go back to the same relationship given the opportunity.

I was just wondering if even considering that remote possiblity was going to prevent me from well and truly move on?

[ella]

Lola,

Thanks for your perspective.

It was difficult to accept that he is not the right person for me, especially as I had prayed to God and thought I received signals otherwise.

However, I remind myself again and again that he cannot be the right person for me if he does not believe I am the right person for him.

And regardless how it seems, God always have the best for me, even if I cannot see it at the moment.

It just helps to hear it again sometimes, from an objective third party's point of view.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ella

I was just wondering if even considering that remote possiblity was going to prevent me from well and truly move on?

I don't think so. But I hope you encourage that little hope to fade by generating for yourself what's missing in your life that would make a difference. And by going out with at least three other men, so that you can enjoy dating for fun, and enjoy finding out what men find attractive about you. You've been spending so much time trying to be worthy of Mr. Conditional that you have probably neglected the task of tending and admiring your own inate fabulousness, and not noticing that you are a shining beacon of light.

Spend some time admiring your own fine self, Ella. If it turns out you get back together with Mr. BoyMan, you'll be standing in your own kingdom, ready to merge your realms with his, if his is worthy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ella

he cannot be the right person for me if he does not believe I am the right person for him.

Brilliant! Remind other people of that, too, would you please? That is really the most salient thing I've heard in a long time.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by ella

It was difficult to accept that he is not the right person for me, especially as I had prayed to God and thought I received signals otherwise.

Oh yeah. I know ALL about mixing up my signals. The problem. as I see it, is sometimes our egos like to don their little God masks and send us thoughts and signals that are more in keeping with telling us what we want to hear instead of what's real.

[ella]

Originally Posted by Angela

Brilliant! Remind other people of that, too, would you please? That is really the most salient thing I've heard in a long time.

That's not a problem at all, Angela, I chant it practically daily and I'm sure in no time at all I will have a row of EllaBot doing the same!

As for dating, it is not a high priority right now, what with my work/study/business/God/family/friends commitments.

I am having fun though and I can safely say that my healthy (ok, oversized) ego has withstood the incident just fine and I am in no way doubting that I am able to attract the right person, once I decided I can make some time for him!

[ella]

Originally Posted by Lola

Oh yeah. I know ALL about mixing up my signals. The problem. as I see it, is sometimes our egos like to don their little God masks and send us thoughts and signals that are more in keeping with telling us what we want to hear instead of what's real.

haha indeed.

In my case, I had prayed that God will close the door if he is not the right person for me. And shortly after that, he told me his dad had decided to accept me as he did not want to see his son so miserable. So I thought that was it.

Guess I was wrong.

Oops.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hi, ella. I am here, though a little late. My experience is not exactly like yours since my boyfriend's parents adore me. But, I will tell you that there were many things other than parents that made our relationship a disaster. We were in a cycle of fighting, each of us trying to get our needs met by the other, and neither of us faring very well. He began talking quite a bit to other females. I felt betrayed and grasped harder at him. He ran away even faster, eventually telling me that he thought it best if we broke up. I cried, he said some nasty things and we parted. Well, we still had contact since we'd lived together...he had to get things from my house and we had many family ties.

I don't know if I can describe the process of how things turned around very well, but the main thing I've done is to forget about him and what he's doing as much as possible. I've taken to working solely on myself and letting his issues be his. We ended up back together just as I had finally become okay with us being apart. I won't say that's the answer for everyone, but for us here we are. I take responsibility for myself and let him worry about himself. The effect of this is that I am much kinder and loving toward him. It seems to catch him off guard sometimes not to have a nagging shrew after him constantly. The thing is, he seems to have changed a great deal too, or maybe my perception of things has changed. I used to fret when he went out with his friends, now I send him on his way with a smile...and he comes home early every time. I used to be afraid of losing him to someone prettier, younger, nicer or smarter. Now I know that no matter what he does, I love myself and will be just fine, and he doesn't seem to be seeking out other women for relationships.

Man, I've already written a lot, but I don't know if I've really enlightened you. I think that it's fine to look fondly on getting back together. The caution is not to base your happiness or your actions on it. That is, do not make yourself better or work on you so that you can get him back. Do not pin all your hopes to it (though it doesn't seem you are). Generate and enjoy for yourself everything you want in your life. If he comes back a changed man (and you still want him) then go forward together. If not, you really won't even mind because you will have a fabulous life.

I hope this made any sense at all. If you want to pick my brain feel free to ask me some specific questions. I think you sound like you are on the right track. Allow yourself to consider the possibility of the two of you forming a new relationship, but don't allow it to be your motivation.

Best wishes.

(Oh, and if you want to see how horribly bad it was and how much of a basket case I've been, just search my old threads.)

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

The first thing that ran through my head when I read your story was, How do you think marriage would be with a man who is willing to have his most important life choices made for him by his parents?

Yeah, that's exactly the same thing I thought when I read through it - what kind of a man is he if he can't stand up to his own parents. Better to find out now, then once you're married about how they're running your lives. Best wishes.

[Rose of Cairo]

He believes he can find someone better than you?

DTMFA!!!!

He loves you only conditionally and lets his parents decide on his life. Do you really want such a guy?

You're a wonderful woman Ella, don't waste your time with a shadow of a thought of ever going back to him!

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by ella

I do not entertain this thought to myself often but when I do, I question how I can completely move on when I still feel this way? Should I not insist on cutting off all possiblities of us being together before being truely free?

4 weeks is not that long. You have to grieve it out, this breakup. Part of grieving is denial. That thought of being with him again is denial that it is over, really. It's not necessary to cut off the thought but to label it as denial. Then ask yourself if you want to keep the denial going. Then ask yourself what the feeling is behind having that thought. I bet you can label the feeling as desire to have a cool relationship but you can also detach that a cool relationship would be with this guy - because it looks like he decided something dumb and is either going to stay that way or revert and suck you into his "not knowing what he wants" routine that allows his parents to have a big say.

[ella]

Thanks everyone for your words.

Words are such a powerful thing, aren't they? I read them and just started crying even though I do not understand why.

I do feel I am slowly accepting the finality of it all and applying strategies to move on.

I would write more but I have another exam tomorrow and I am no where nearl ready (only read about half of the materials) so I better get back to it.

Thanks so much.

[Maxwell9393]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post after following this forum for some time as a guest. I would just like to thank all who posted above me, and ella for sharing her struggle.

I'm not sure why, but I feel I can relate to this situation, despite my not being involved in anything of the like. I refer to myself as a "random crusher", who frequently falls for the unattainable girl despite all rationality that indicates that she is not the one for me.

This is what I am aware of and low and behold everytime I say..."Never again"....yep I'm back in the same scenario.

I was floored when I came across this thread at the top of the forum this evening. It brought me back to my regular groundedness(not sure if that is a real word) that I enjoy daily.


Thanks again,

[Jim11]

After only 4 weeks it is expected that you'd be having conflicting thoughts about the ended relationship. Given a short amount of time, you will move on and forget, and he will likely end up regretting how he acted.

It is highly unlikely that his parents' perfect woman is going to be someone that is perfect for him, so he'll have to realize that before he's happy.

[ella]

Well, I am back, after my exam. All I can say is, God is good!! I fully expected to not to know anything since I basically studied the whole course in 4 days, but I was pleasantly surprised!!

I was relaxed, calm and even met some nice people at the examination venue. One of them being a very cute guy

We didn't exchange numbers and I may not see him again (darn!) but I am happy knowing that I can already find someone else attractive.

Thanks so much for all your help and comments. Especially {aspiring_to_clarity}, thanks for sharing your story. It really confirms that you can't force anyone to be in love with you, you can only work on yourself and attract the right people.

[kenjonesmd]

Ella,
"He was my first love"

You said a lot in those few words. I have counseled many people, though most of them wait til it is too late and break up.

Normally, people have short relationships and then longer, and longer, then get married, and half get divorced, others have an affair.

The more experience you have in the art of love (love is primarily "Giving") then the more mature you will be. There are dozens of people that could be a fit for you, though you may feel there is a ONe and Only.

Remember, love wants to take care of the other person as much as itself, but we have to take care of ourselves. You will find someone that is willling to give you and take care of you as much or more than you give.

We marry a person, thinking they are the world. Really, we marry their family. Find a good family to be part of. The best guy with a horrible family will still give you migraines. After the third date, time to check out the family. Dont get so involved with someone unless YOU like the family.

Be careful not to fall in love with the idea of being "in love". Make several good friends and stay connected.

Good luck with it,
kenJ

[ArtlessMonster]

There was actually a hostage situation around here the other night with a guy who was sick of his girlfriend giving too much merit to her parents. My closest friend is going through this same situation. His fiancé is incredibly stressed out by work and school, she's only home for about an hour a day, but she feels incredibly guilty about not pushing herself past her limit because of her controlling parents.

Both my friend and I know that he will never have a healthy relationship with her, because she absolutely refuses to choose him over her guilt complex to her parents. He can't leave her because he is all she has, but almost all of our conversations consist of him basically in misery, because he's with this girl that can't express love to him because she's never there.

It's best to avoid these situations LIKE THE PLAGUE. Being in love is great at convincing you that no one as good as that person can come along. I used to have that whole complex, then someone else came along and completely shattered my perceptions of what love was to begin with (and I was highly underrating it). You "know" that no one like them can ever come along again, but I swear to you from the bottom of my heart that that isn't true.

Even if things could work out for a period of time in this situation, the complex he has with his parents is something that would take a lot longer than a few months apart to work out. It's his decision to choose guilt over happiness and you can't change that. Well, you COULD, theoretically, have a small chance, but it would be an astronomical amount of work and probably completely wreck you emotionally, You don't have to find someone else right away, but you absolutely should try to get over him.

Ack, and sorry for the late reply. I didn't see the original date this was posted.

[NotesMaeve]

If there's anything I have learned from my ex, it's that ultimately, while we may earnestly love someone, when it ends, we can recover from that, even when at one time that person seemed to be the beginning and end of our own universe.

My ex also had parents who didn't match up for what I wanted for in-laws. They weren't evil or anything, but they weren't for me. His dad made pig noises when I'd eat anything. When I discussed this at the time with my now ex, he said I was too sensitive. I am very sensitive, but I don't view this as a negative quality. Ex was raised to be very close with his family. Now, my family and I are close, but he preferred going to hang with Mom and Dad several times a week and all weekend long rather than hanging out with or making love to me.

So it made it easier for me not to be sad when I mapped out why I didn't want to try at the relationship anymore:

1) He didn't like sex the way I did.

2) Very different views of family and closeness.

3) RADICALLY different ideas of how to show respect for a partner.

When I realized this, I was significantly less mad and was like, "Oh. No wonder I'm sick and tired of putting forth effort. I'm terrific, so I should go do my own thing!" And it worked!