Should I be worried about my GF cheating...

[Cassander]

My girlfriend and I started dating just after graduation this summer. We really liked eachother. Over the summer I was working out of state in CA and she was working in WV at a summer camp. I wrote her about 2 - 3 times a week, sometimes more. She wrote me about once or twice a week usually so everything was good.

Then one time when I said I love you over the phone she responded with "Same here" instead of actually saying it back. That was kinda strange I told her that I missed her to which she responded "same here". Finally at the end of the conversation I said "I love you" again to which she responded "same here". She never uses those words. Anyway I could hear her friends in the background and I got the feeling that she didn't want the people to know that she was talking to her boyfriend. I felt rather uncomfortable but hey, I figured I was just being retarded and over reacting so I didn't ask her anything. Anyway I got home finally after working out in CA all summer and I had a letter from this dude she had been working with all summer and it said that my girlfriend had cheated on me with him. He wrote a full length letter saying that he was sorry, but she had told him that she was single and all this.

My girlfriend says that she made him mad and he was just trying to get back at her. Then later she said that she didn't remember what happened but that she had been drunk.

I found it a little strange that he would write me.

I also find it strange that she refuses to talk about it and tells me I'm holding it over her head if I bring it up.

I haven't talked to her about it in a long time and I thought I'd just get over it, but I feel really betrayed every time I think about it.

I dunno, I just feel like she's not being honest with me sometimes and it really bothers me. She's lied to me quite a bit although it's always been about little things.

Should I be worried or am I just over reacting? Please help

[Angela]

Well, I don't think you should be worried about it, I think you should re-think calling it "cheating", and I think you should DTMFA. Go date some California girls.

Welcome to the forum, by the way! I hope you have a great time here.

[chaostheory]

First of all, there's no sense in worrying now about something you cannot change either way. You will never actually have proof because you were not there to witness any event or conversation that took place between them.

My concern would be the fact that you know she has lied to you about things in the past ( whether big or small ), and that you accept this behavior as simply a part of who she is. You are ok with it, in essence. If you say you are not ok with it, then in all actuality, if that were true, then you would not be with her. Knowing this about her means that somewhere in the back of your mind you will always question whether or not what she says is true, and if you can't trust her words, then you can't trust her.

Whatever level of love or caring that it is that you have for her, she is not there. And if you think you can change her or wait her out in hopes she will eventually get to where you are, then you are lying to you. So you're going to do what???...have that nagging doubt about her honesty in the back of your mind every time she goes somewhere without you or says something? Do you really want to continue to build your hopes and dreams on someone that doesn't even hold you in high enough regard to be honest?

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Cassander

She's lied to me quite a bit although it's always been about little things.

Up until I read this line, I figured it's just one of those things that happens from time to time. People make mistakes - gawd knows I've made my share - but that doesn't make them bad people, it just means that they're human.

Then this line popped up and I began to re-think my position.

Young girls lie. Sometimes it's for a reason, sometimes there's no reason for it whatsoever. But when it becomes a pattern and involves others (such as yourself) then there's clearly a character issue here that needs examining.

For me personally, I'd probably be able to forgive a one-night mistake, but a consistent pattern of deceit is something else entirely.

*here comes the hardass part*

By staying with her and essentially putting up with the lying, you're basically giving her permission to lie and walk all over you.

She's being disrespectful to you. Do you deserve to be lied to?

If you don't do anything about it, it will get worse. I PROMISE you it will get worse.

Take a stand. Man up. Tolerate no lies, big or small. She'll undoubtedly cry and try to push all the buttons. Have none of it. It's manipulation, pure and simple. Tell her and show her you mean business, clearly and concisely, and that it's a deal-breaker. One more and you're finished. And if she does, follow through and don't look back.

[Angela]

cdn is right -- if there's no integrity, what do you have in a relationship? Nuthin'.

Particularly since:

I also find it strange that she refuses to talk about it and tells me I'm holding it over her head if I bring it up.

Relationships are for growth! If one partner stonewalls the others' communication and won't engage on the important subjects that come up, she's not really being much of a partner, is she? You're left walking on eggshells, mystified and trying to figure out what's going on. Again, what kind of relationship is that? Not one that work for me. Does that work for you? You can't make her engage or communicate, but you can stand up for your standards in relationships, and that can mean letting her go so that you can find someone who is willing to strive for values you both have in common -- like integrity and communication.

Good luck.

[sunlit07]

i think you should also think about how she has lied to you about the little things. If she loved you, why would she hold anything back. You want someone who is honest and truthful with you, no matter how minor things may seem. If she knows she lied then she should be willing to apologize and move on.

[ixmatus]

^----- I ditto cdn and Angela.

If she won't communicate with you, leave. Simple, resolute, and decisive.