should I let him go or should I fight for my love?

[joyjoy]

Hi,everyone. I am in a very very difficult time now. Sorry if i write a book to you, but i really really which i can get some help from here.
I am from China, and my exboyfriend is from one of the Scadinavia countries. We had almost a three year relation. For the first 2 years, we lived together in China, and for the last half year, we lived together in Sweden. We planned everything in future together, and we both met each other's family members. But then he has to go to work in a place far far away from Danmark or Sweden. He has been there for six month. We only had chance meeting each other once during these months. And we talked online everyday. But at the end of July, he broke up with me. I was so upset. I was in China at that time visting family and friends. And there was no sign at all that he would break up with me. We just met each other before I flied back to China. And he gave me all these love letters telling me how much he loves me and how strong his love is two weeks before breaking up. And then we had an argument on the phone, and the second day, he told me it doesnt work. We have been arguing for all the past years. Yes. We come from two totally different culture, and we did fight a lot at the beginning, but we still loved each other crazily back then. That's why no matter how much we fight and how much we hurt each other, we cannot be apart. However, I was actually thinking that things are getting better now, that we are in a stable stage alreay, he suddendly told me breaking up. He told me he doesntn believe that i will change my temper. No matter how much I cry and tell him i will change and i am chaning already, he doesnt believe me anymore. Thus, I used all my savings flied to the place where he works, hoping he will get soft on me when he sees me, coz he told me before it always works when he sees me. However, when I finally arrived there, he screamed out, coz he thought i went there unannounced. And he was so mad at me, and asked me to leave asap. I stayed there only for two days, and I went back to Sweden with a totally broken heart. I was trying so hard to get calm with him. And my friends told me that i should not text message or email or call him like crazily. So I did not do that, only did it once a while, like in one week. One day, I called him, and he even answered the phone (he never answreed it before), and we decided to talk on MSN one day. I was too excited and I immediately sent him a very emotional letter about our past and how i still love him. And then he just turned off mobil again and stopped replying my emails. We are so far away from each other, and this feeling of cannot reach him was really killing me. I was so mad and upset that i started to threaten him, saying if he doesnt contact me, i will go to his place again. So he started talking with me. But on the phone, he coldly told me that he slept with another girl already and he did not love me anymore. He even told me that he did not tell me the truth was becasue he was afraid that i would hurt her. My brain hurts so much and i felt i was on the verge of spiritual breaking down. I was so so... so upset, i thought i might die. I started to say crazy words to him like i will call his office, his boss, and i will kill myself in front of him, letting him regretted for what he had down. He hang off the line, and we never contacted each other again. I started taking pills to get my brain pain.
Thats exactly what happened between us. I feel so desperate and my heart is so broken. However, i am still so in love with him. I hate myself so much after all he had done. And I by chance knew that he was actually lying to me. He is alone there, and there is no another girl. But the harsh truth he kept on telling me and my friends are that he doesnt love me anymore, and his love just died. He told people i cannot forct a person to love me. He really hates being pushed. However, I already did so many crazy things like going to his place, or theathening him. I really want some help from people. I am dying inside every second. I cried so much and i got hurt so much,but why i still so love with him and think about all he has done and all he told me before. Two weeks before breaking up, he told me he loves me that much that he did everything with me in mind, and how his life is two parts since he met me. How can people become so cruel in two weeks? However, he told friends that it's something has been waiting to happen for long. If so, why he still made me so strongly believed that i was loved by him. Why cannot he give me any clue to let me have any sense? It's like a big hit on your head. I really feel so bad. And I really wanna know, doesn it mean the end of everything? And there will be no chance at all for us in future? And what is the really right thing for me to do now? I havnt had any contact with him for half a month. Should i contact him again? God! I wish I wasnt so crazy for him!!!!

[joyjoy]

About the idear that whether there is a third party involved, I asked him before. And here is his reply:

"The harsh truth. I am very tempted not to tell you the truth. Because if I lie to you and tell you that I have a relation with another girl, maybe you will finally understand that we have broken up. But I want to be honest with you, and tell you the truth, I am not in a relation with any other girl. But at the
same time, you must understand that we have broken up. I don’t want to be harsh on you, but you are still acting exactly like before. You say you have changed, that you have learned, that you are different, but you still act in the same way, when you want something. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing until you get your way. ***, I cannot be pushed. I will be straight forward with you, and tell you that I will not get back together
with you, no matter how many times you write me to try and change my mind. Listen to me, for once, listen to me instead of just pushing for what you want. My opinion matters. You cannot push somebody to love you and be your boyfriend, when I break up with you, you have to accept that you cannot force me to come back in one way or another. You have to accept my opinion
even if you don’t agree. You have never been able to do that, and it seems you still don’t. If you really want to show me that you have changed then accept my decision to break up, instead of just ignoring my opinion and keep on asking me to change it. I am really so sorry to talk so directly to you, but you must understand that we are over and that will never ever change. I
am not Chinese, I am not a girl, and I am not just playing a big drama because I want some confirmation of your love or something like that. What I tell you is exactly what I mean.You must accept it and get on with your life."

[joyjoy]

And this is the letter he gave me 2 weeks before breaking up; while he told the others that this breaking up thing is sth. has been waiting for long to happen. I used to trust him so much. And when I went to that island where he works, i asked him about this letter, but he told me he meant it when he wrote it. And his eyes turn red also, saying "I still like you very very much."

Here is the letter:
"You cannot possibly imagine it. You cannot possibly imagine, what difference you have done to my life. I honestly don’t think you know, but you, and you alone have changed everything about me, about what I think and how I act. I have told you before, and it is still true, when I think about my life, the dividing point is when I meet you. For me, there is life before I meat you
and after. You are the single most important person in my life, and everything I do, I do with you in mind, thinking about how it will affect you, what you will say about it. My love for you is that strong. Whatever happens, whatever the future brings nobody knows. But what I do know is, that I will always always always love you and nothing will ever change that, and that a smile from you will make my heart smile for the rest of the day.
I love you sugar, only you and always you, I am sorry if I don’t say it somuch, but that is truly how I feel."

[joyjoy]

I have to admit to u guys here I was too immature and childish before. When I met him, he was 28, and I was 22. I grow up in China and live on campus almost for 22 years, coz my mom is a teacher, and my parents living place in just on campus. I grow up in that environment and myself became a university teacher at 21. (I went to school very early).
Anyways, my point is, even comparing with lots of Chinese, I am sort of too innocent and naive; while he is much more mature than me. He traveled more than 38 countries, and he is 6 year older than me. When he went to my university and became my co-worker and then we fall in love, I always think it's like a fairytale. He exactly satisfies all my fantacy of a prince of charming. I was so lost all of a sudden. I could not believe it's true. I love him so much that i always always worry that he will leave me one day. Thus, I behave more and more abnormal. Sometimes, he gave me less attention, I immediately connect is with his love. And I scream, shout. I once throw away all his stuff outside and asked him to get out; and I once shouted and cried to him in front of a supermarket in Sweden; Now when i think back, I regretted so much that why i have to do that. When i did it, I just want to see whether he will leave me this time. He cried so much when I shouted in front of everyone. He told me that the Swedish may think he is maltreating me or sth. that they may call the police. And even that time, he did not leave me. He still forgave me. And Chrismas, we argued again, and I left with my suitcase, and he told me if I leave, then we will really over. But again, to test his love, I jumped on the train, even though I was so nervous that i will lose him for real this time. However, he still called me finally and forgave me again, and picked me up by car. He told me that if any person from Scandinavia culture knows how he treats me, they will think he is mentally sick. And that's his love to me. He doubts that there are any person in this world will love another person like he does to me.
I hate myself so much. I am a kind, loving, and smiling person to everyone, and all my friends, teachers in Sweden and in his family likes me. But I really really dont know why I behave so extremely in front of him. I really hate myself so much. I love him too much. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I worry that i will die for some reason during sleep, and by thinking about he will be the only one in this harsh world, I cried out of head.
I love him that much that I could not see him as a white Western guy, but only him. That unique stubborn and weried person in my life. I dont care he has money or not. I tried so hard to find job in Sweden, and I even want to take any xxxxx job I wouldn't even thought about in China, just becasue I dont want him to pay for me anymore. I want him to use his money to have fun.
We joked before. If he has 10 krone, and he will use 5 to pay tax, and give me 4, and have one only by himself.
Now I have finally found a job in Sweden. And finally grow up, but he choose to leave now. How can I forgot him. There are memories all over China, Europe, coz we have been travling a lot in China, and Europe. He told me he wanted to bring me to all the places he has been to. Where should I go? I feel I am such a shallow empty body now without knowing where my heart is now.
And that's the reason why It's really really hard for me to just give him up. He did too much for me before, and I don't even have chance to repay his love back

[Holistic Star]

I think you know the answer to your question even though you don't like it. You have to give him up. Sorry, but there it is. He says he can't be pushed into loving you. Fighting for him isn't going to work. You have been trying that and it isn't working.

I really feel for you. I've been there and it hurts it really does. If you want him to have any respect for you, or have any peace of mind, then you must stop contacting him.

The question is how:

Delete his phone number from your phone.
Delete his email and msn contact details.
You will need to get your friends to support you. Is there a friend you can ring at any time when you feel the urge to contact him.
Keep writing your feelings down. Handwrite, rather than type and keep writing and writing until you have got it all out of your system. Then throw it away (don't send it to him!)
I would also suggest that you look at speaking with a couseller or coach to work though your feelings. I found EFT invaluable in getting over my ex. I will send you a document on how to do it if you like.

You realise that you have learned a lot recently. That is good. Focus on what you have learned and how you will apply it to your life.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

The question is how:

Delete his phone number from your phone.
Delete his email and msn contact details.
You will need to get your friends to support you. Is there a friend you can ring at any time when you feel the urge to contact him.
Keep writing your feelings down. Handwrite, rather than type and keep writing and writing until you have got it all out of your system. Then throw it away (don't send it to him!)

Holistic Star has it bang on the money.

There's only one rule for a successful breakup (successful breakup meaning that both people can part ways without bitterness or rancour, and are thankful and appreciative of the time they had together):

NO CONTACT

None whatsoever. Holistic Star outlined it perfectly. Follow that advice. It's perfect.

[Holistic Star]

bless you cdn! <blush>

I love what you say about appreciating the time you had together. That is so beautiful.

[joyjoy]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

I think you know the answer to your question even though you don't like it. You have to give him up. Sorry, but there it is. He says he can't be pushed into loving you. Fighting for him isn't going to work. You have been trying that and it isn't working.

I really feel for you. I've been there and it hurts it really does. If you want him to have any respect for you, or have any peace of mind, then you must stop contacting him.

The question is how:

Delete his phone number from your phone.
Delete his email and msn contact details.
You will need to get your friends to support you. Is there a friend you can ring at any time when you feel the urge to contact him.
Keep writing your feelings down. Handwrite, rather than type and keep writing and writing until you have got it all out of your system. Then throw it away (don't send it to him!)
I would also suggest that you look at speaking with a couseller or coach to work though your feelings. I found EFT invaluable in getting over my ex. I will send you a document on how to do it if you like.

You realise that you have learned a lot recently. That is good. Focus on what you have learned and how you will apply it to your life.

Dear Holistic Star,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes. I would love to have and EFT also, if you can send it to me.

Yes. I was so upset that i did not contact him for one month. He then contacted me last Saturday.

We had a very relaxing and nice talk for 40 minutes, and he told me he still cares me a lot. When he said he had to go after talking, i did not even ask him what he was gonna do. (I always ask before, and he never told me before.) However, last week, he even told me he was gonna take a shower and watch foodball with somebody. I was so excited that i thought he got soft? So stupid me started to send him emails and messages and call him like crazy. He then sent me another email telling me that his biggest worry of talking to me the day before was that I would thought it means more than it does.

The reason that I have not replied your emails and text messages for along time, is that you keep ignoring it when I tell you that we are over and will not get back together. My biggest worry talking to you yesterday was that you would think that it means something more than it does. That you immediately will start sending me messages and calling and emailing all the time, because I have fought so hard to get you to stop that. But this is excactly what you did. You showed me very vclearly, that I cannot talk with you as a friend, you refuse to believe that I am only a friend. Since you refuse to listen to my words, like you always have, you are forcing me to show you the only way that I can, which is not to accept emails, calls and messages. Maybe in some weeks we can try to chat again if by then you finnally start listening to what I say instead of making up the world you want. But for now, dont contact me, I will erase messages and emails from you, and not receive your calls. ACCEPT IT WE ARE OVER! SOrru to be harsh but you keep ignoring what I say.

Your friend
*****

After i got this email, i deleted all the messages he sent me before and all his emails before and my MSN space with more than 1000 pics of us, and all his familiy's numbers and his number. I decided to move on.
However, only in one week, i found out i still am in love with him, and it was me who really abused his love too much before. I once use knife to threaten him to see whether he will leave me. I was crazy. His tolerance to me is really... He told me before, if i treat any guy from Scandinavia culture or Wetern culture, they will scream and run the first day i behave crazily. He just loved me too much before. But now his love is died.
That's why after one week, now i still think i may try to fight for his love, if there was such a strong love between us before. Isn't there any hope at all?

[joyjoy]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Holistic Star has it bang on the money.

There's only one rule for a successful breakup (successful breakup meaning that both people can part ways without bitterness or rancour, and are thankful and appreciative of the time they had together):

NO CONTACT

None whatsoever. Holistic Star outlined it perfectly. Follow that advice. It's perfect.

Thats what i am doing now.
But he told me he is so afraid that i will never contact him again.
He wants to be a friend. A normal friend.
He contacted me.
It just broke my heart again.
How can we still be friends after all these!!!!
I almost start hating him now.

[uberinquisitive]

Hmm...you seem to have symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

Let's talk about you, and just you, for a second. Your behavior is extremely destructive, and I am worried about your physical safety. Threatening suicide is NEVER acceptable behavior. Threatening to hurt yourself is very troubling.

I highly suggest you have weekly Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) sessions with a professional. EFT can be done very successfully over the phone, so you're not limited by geography. EFT helped me recover from my boyfriend's suicide in January, and helped tremendously with my own borderline personality.

I cannot stress enough the importance of regular therapy. A regular therapist in Sweden would be very helpful also.

Rachel Reiland's "Get Me Out of Here" describes the journey and recovery of a very borderline personality woman.

I suggest you read the following books to help you regain internal balance:
Byron Katie's "Loving What Is"
Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" You can also watch a free online video interview of Chodron here.

Now, about your boyfriend...you are VERY lucky that your heart is breaking. You now have motivation to really grow up and become a better person. You obviously know you have a lot of work to do.

You are full of regret now. Good...use it to get better. Use the regret to get serious, heavy-duty therapy.

Your ex-bf...he is gone forever. I am very sorry that you are in pain. He is not coming back, and right now, he shouldn't - you have threatened suicide in front of him, stalked him, and otherwise acted in ways that have caused him a lot of pain. He is very strong to walk away from a destructive relationship.

If you get a lot of therapy and try to get better, you will meet someone in the future who you love as much, if not more, than this boyfriend.

[joyjoy]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Hmm...you seem to have symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

Let's talk about you, and just you, for a second. Your behavior is extremely destructive, and I am worried about your physical safety. Threatening suicide is NEVER acceptable behavior. Threatening to hurt yourself is very troubling.

I highly suggest you have weekly Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) sessions with a professional. EFT can be done very successfully over the phone, so you're not limited by geography. EFT helped me recover from my boyfriend's suicide in January, and helped tremendously with my own borderline personality.

I cannot stress enough the importance of regular therapy. A regular therapist in Sweden would be very helpful also.

Rachel Reiland's "Get Me Out of Here" describes the journey and recovery of a very borderline personality woman.

I suggest you read the following books to help you regain internal balance:
Byron Katie's "Loving What Is"
Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" You can also watch a free online video interview of Chodron here.

Now, about your boyfriend...you are VERY lucky that your heart is breaking. You now have motivation to really grow up and become a better person. You obviously know you have a lot of work to do.

You are full of regret now. Good...use it to get better. Use the regret to get serious, heavy-duty therapy.

Your ex-bf...he is gone forever. I am very sorry that you are in pain. He is not coming back, and right now, he shouldn't - you have threatened suicide in front of him, stalked him, and otherwise acted in ways that have caused him a lot of pain. He is very strong to walk away from a destructive relationship.

If you get a lot of therapy and try to get better, you will meet someone in the future who you love as much, if not more, than this boyfriend.

Dear uberinquisitive,

Thanks so much for all your words.
I am meeting a professional person from the student health center in my university in Sweden now. Hope it will help.
It seems that you are very sure that my ex is gone FOREVER. It's realy upset and heartbreaking to hear that, but my head tells me that you are problaly right. Your culture is more silimare than mine to his.
However, the thing is, he has done so much for me before. He did not go back to Danish Embassy where he worked before, instead, stayed in China for one more year teaching, which is the job he hates. He used all his ways to bring me to Sweden to study, and payed for all my expense in Sweden for one year. He was so nice to me, however, I abused his love. I was so bossy and controling. He cried and told me before, i have to take 80% responsibilities for our relation, which turns out is really true.
I will definitly try to improve myself. I will go on a life, but I really want to be with him. I really want to win him back and give him all my love in the rest of his life. I am the one who owe him too much. He is the best thing that ever happens to me.
Thus, i really wish I can get any advice or help from people in this forum.
I would sacrifice my life for him.
I would do everything to improve myself to win anthoer chance back. I really do. I am praying everyday for this second chance.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by joyjoy

He is the best thing that ever happens to me.

Actually...him breaking up with you is the best thing that ever happened to you.

When he was your boyfriend, you didn't get mental help. But now, that he broke up with you, you are finally getting professional help.

Often, we need something painful and tragic to "wake" us up. Evolving into a greater person is very hard, and so most people avoid it until some intense pain forces us to change. At the time, we don't see that the pain is a gift.

This break-up is a gift to you. One day, you will thank him for leaving you.

[joyjoy]

Thanks very much for your reply first.
Yes. I got your point.
However, my point is, i am trying my best to improve myself. I really am, in every different ways, studying, working, and etc. I always think that i cannot get independence. Now I am working part timely in a Danish publishing company.
This is really sth. that may never happen when we are together. He always give me financial help, and stopped me from any jobs like cleanning in a Chinese restaurant, or picking up blueberry in Norway.
Anyways, I can make a living in Copenhagen now. I am making progress already.
I mean, i will really be a different person. I still want to love him. In this sens, are there any ways i can do to win him back? I would sacrifice to win this chance.
I regret so much now, not only what i did to him before. Also, when i calm down, i realized its not he said breaking up, but what i did to save up, like going to his working place, and the whole threatening thing pushes him further away.
...
I dont know whether there are any chances or anything i can do to save up now.

[uberinquisitive]

You can't win him back. I'm very sorry. It's over.

His heart has moved on. I'm sure he still cares for you as a person, and would like to be friends. But there is no more chance for romance, I am very sorry.

Please let him go. You are only torturing yourself by trying to change his mind - he won't change his mind. He has moved on.

The best you can do - learn from this situation. You will find someone new to love, so make sure you learn as much as you can from this break-up. Also, make sure you continue therapy and do a lot of introspection- this is the best insurance against future destruction.

[joyjoy]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

You can't win him back. I'm very sorry. It's over.

His heart has moved on. I'm sure he still cares for you as a person, and would like to be friends. But there is no more chance for romance, I am very sorry.

Please let him go. You are only torturing yourself by trying to change his mind - he won't change his mind. He has moved on.

The best you can do - learn from this situation. You will find someone new to love, so make sure you learn as much as you can from this break-up. Also, make sure you continue therapy and do a lot of introspection- this is the best insurance against future destruction.

Dear uberinquisitive

I was reading LOA just now.
Anyway, I really wanna know why you are sure that there is no chance at all even if i improve myself and really ... change in the way he wants.
How he treats me in the past three years are not false. He used to love me that much, and there is no any chance i can rekindle his love by improving.
When i was in Greenland, he told me with tears in his eyes, not looking at me, but the other direction: I still, I like you very very much.
I really really wanna know why you are so sure nothing will do me help here. I donnot want to change his mind or anything. I want to make him fall in love with me again. I wanna try to show him that i will really change.
The reason he broke up with me, he wrote in his email: if there is one second in my heart beliving that you will change, i will give you another chance.'
However, after all my pushing and threatening, he told me that he doesnt love me anymore. So bad. He is the one very emotional and can cry anytime. He is very soft hearted normally, but not now obviously.
Anyway...
I know i must sound very desperate now. I really i am still hoping.

[JimOfferman]

joyjoy,

I agree with uberinquisitive. There is nothing to go back to. You have to move on and find new love. Please follow her advice and keep up with the therapy and introspection. Borderline, if you indeed have it (and I'm inclined to say you do) is a difficult affliction, but it can be overcome. In fact, I know someone who has it and she is now a stable family provider and proud mother to two little boys.

Unfortunately, I have also experienced up close and personal how it is to be with someone who has a severe case of borderline, exeggerated by not sticking to either therapy or subscribed medication. Please, please, don't become that kind of person.

All the best to you - may you find peace and love!
Jim.

[MmeIntentional]

Hi Joy,

Sorry to hear your story. I've been there, done that have the scars to proove it. Let the guy go, as he has already let you go. I know it's sad and you feel like you can't go on with you life etc. But he will never have respect for you if you keep hounding him.

I would say do not contact him ever.... even if he contacts you.It's the end.
Just like the other comments it does sound like you have BPDO (though I'm not Dr.) My sister has the same but it's not the end of the world.

Trust me it's not worth cracking up over as it will take many years to recover if you do crack.

I'm glad to hear that your getting help and be good to yourself.

I would also get out every single day for a walk, write your feelings and talk to people, even if have to repeat yourself over and over.

Don't blame culture etc. because you would of broken up a long time ago... Just take responsibility (not saying it's your fault) and thing will be very easy thereafter.

{{{{{{{Big hugs to you}}}}}}}

[hzpim]

i am sorry to hear such a bad experience of you ,i believe you are still trapped in the upset mood,I suggest you ,not thinking about the futrue,or just believe when you have advanced yourself to the best,he will love you again,what you should do and think is to live your life well,be strong and flexible. and many advices from other friends is really very good,just pulling out the bad feelings..

Hope you happier and stronger,dear friend.

[abundance92]

I recommend a book entitled: "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle pay particular attention to the chapter on Enlightened Relationships starting on page 145.

"Accept that the relationship existed to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation"

Have a phenomenal day!

[joyjoy]

Thanks very much for your reply.
Yes.
Thats what iam thinking now.
I used to believe that I am a very ... how to say, a girl who is good in everything when i was in China. I went to school at 4 year old, and always can go to the best middle school or university in Chinese competition system. I started teaching in a university in Shanghai at 21. Even when i study in Sweden, I got a straight A in my school.
My point is, I am always a girl with proud.
However, I met him.
He has been travelling to 38 countries, and he worked for the Danish goverment, and even had a title. Besides, his looking, exactly the kind that i can ever dream about. He may not be the hot kind in Western culture, but he is genlt, nice, and satisfies all my dreams.
I feel, he is so much better than me, and that moment i lost all my pround, i think i can by no means compare with him. Thats why i start to feel i cannot deserve such an excellent guy, and feel bad about myself, and then started all the test and pushing to see how much he loves me.

He loved me that much that sometimes, when i work up in the morning, the room is full of notes, even in my pocket, or in the fridger, or on the hangers of the closes. He writes, that You are my reason to live. You are my destiny. I seach the whole world looking for you.
Even though I nagged him that much, he always hugged me and cried and told me that *its true love that drives us crazy. and we are doomed to be together.*
I was dizzyed by his strong love.
I started to behave more and more pushy and childish and ... until the ending today..

[joyjoy]

Originally Posted by abundance92

I recommend a book entitled: "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle pay particular attention to the chapter on Enlightened Relationships starting on page 145.

"Accept that the relationship existed to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation"

Have a phenomenal day!

Sorry, abundance, i am not sure what you mean by that???? forgive my poor understaning.

[JimOfferman]

There's an important lesson in your last post: by being pushy and childish, you got you what you wanted in the short term, but you lost out on the long term relationship. You were demanding, not requesting, love and by doing that you wore the guy out.

It's an honest mistake that is rooted in insecurity. You were insecure about the relationship, so you demanded proof from him to build your security with. That just doesn't work.

The upshot here is that, if you learn to be more secure about yourself in a relationship, you will find the kind of love you long for - maybe not with the notes, like he did, but with some other loving gesture that'll make you feel wonderful. The trick, though, is to never be demanding. Ask, politely, to be loved and you shall receive! Also, never again doubt that you are worthy of being loved. You really are more than good enough to be with someone and you do deserve a loving relationship.

Having said all that, you really have to let go of the past - including this guy you so desperately want to hold on to. Let him go with love.

[hzpim]

my own understanding is ,accept your existing relationship with your ex-bf,althogh it's not cheerful,but this emotion about bad relation can be a great experience for your development .

Hope this will give you help.

[joyjoy]

I started losing weight now, running everyday around the lake. I also started picking up the relation with old friends, and planning or traveling to Candana to visit my grandparents on Chrismas.
He spoiled me that much and i am almost 80 kg by now. I used to be 55 kg before. I may become a totally differnt person in image
Thus, I am hoping that improving myself for half a year or sth. like that. Working, learning a new language, loseing weight. No contact with him at all.
Then I will try to reconnect him again, I hope i can give him a totally different feeling. I dont know how this plan is?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by joyjoy

I started losing weight now, running everyday around the lake. I also started picking up the relation with old friends, and planning or traveling to Candana to visit my grandparents on Chrismas.
He spoiled me that much and i am almost 80 kg by now. I used to be 55 kg before. I may become a totally differnt person in image
Thus, I am hoping that improving myself for half a year or sth. like that. Working, learning a new language, loseing weight. No contact with him at all.

This part of the plan is excellent! Looks like you have a very clear cut idea already of how the 'new' you should turn out. Go for it girl!

Then I will try to reconnect him again, I hope i can give him a totally different feeling.

This part of the plan is not so good, I think. Then again, if it helps to keep you motivated, why not? My guess is that half a year from now, you'll have grown and changed so much that you really wont feel any need to call him again...

[joyjoy]

It's just, he probably spent about 100,000 kr on me in these three years, bringing me everywhere inside China, many different countries in Europe, buying me all the jewrary, paying me for one year in Sweden, buying me lapto.... He is not that rich. He still has a lot of student loan from traving the world. However, thats how he showed his love.

Because of him, I experienced Europe by myself, instead of reading from internet back in China. I grow up so quickly in Sweden. I got my Master from Sweden and now I got a job in a Danish publishing company and finally, time for me to earn some money. I cannot imagine to spend money to some other people than him. I really want to pay his love back.

He loved me, cultivated me from a girl to a mature and independent woman, esp. after this breaking up. I learned hell a lot from this.

Also because he told me he still likes me very very much, before I went back from his working place to Sweden. When i asked him in the airport, is there any chance i can win your heart back in future? He did not answer. Then he said, if you want to win my heart back, you should not ask me about it, or you should not even talk about it in front of me. What will happen in future, nobody knows. All his words, really disturbs me so much, on the other hand, gives me a bit hope.

I just really wanna be nice to him and make him feel beloved this life. I just really, really cannot imagine meeting the others.

Thus, I really wish i can get any advices or help from here. I stopped pushing and contacting him already now. I just dunno what i should do next.

I planned on losing weight and studying Swedish/Danish for now. However, there are people say that it will be tooo late if i pick up contact with him in half a year.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by joyjoy

I just really wanna be nice to him and make him feel beloved this life.

That does not appear to be true at all, joyjoy. All of your posts are all about indulging your own desires with absolutely no regard for his. You are not talking about loving this guy, you are talking about getting what you want, and that's all. If you think you want to be nice to him, it's only so you can "get" him. You cannot "have" him -- you cannot "have" anyone! You're not creating a space of freedom for him or for yourself. What kind of love is that? None at all.

If you are really willing to be a loving person, then accept what he has said to you. Give him freedom from your suffocating desires. Give yourself freedom to live your life either by yourself or with someone who freely chooses to be with you. This man is choosing something else, and you can't force him to choose you. You are imprisoning him and yourself. Surrender.

You might be wise to focus all of this wild energy on creating a life you love YOURSELF and forget about pinning all your hopes for happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment on another person. Cut that out, and figure out a way to fall in love with your own life.

[joyjoy]

Angela, I am not sure you understand what I am saying here, or i may just express myself wrong.
I mean, I am the one who messed up our relation. He is the one who is maltreated by me for a long while. I am not forcing him to love me. However, my love and my guilt to him, drives me to change to the girl he was crazy about before, and love him right-
Just to love him again like a totally new person.
If, i can really change, from the deep-rooted reason in our relation, and try to win his heart. Isn't it ok? Just like a stranger to win his heart. I really dunno whats wrong with this idea.

[joyjoy]

I am sure that i am not the first one in the world who want to win ex back. There are so many successful cases online or in the book, even around us. My ex's step-sister divorced her husband, and they are back again in half a year. One Swedish guy in our corridor went back with his girl in one year. The German girl in my corridor also got back with her ex in several month, but they break up again.
Anyway, I am really looking for help on the right thing i should do now, since you guys are from the similar culture. I am not emailing him or calling him like crazily like i did when we just broke up. I am listening to his words now. I just really wish i know what is the right thing to do.

I may use the wrong word in writing, and i am very clear that i can not "HAVE" anyone in my life. I just want to love him right, AGAIN, really wish to know what is the right thing to do.

On the other hand, I am also afraid, any of my act in his eyes will be my intention to be with him, he will be against it automatically no matter what I do. We will never have any normal conversation in that sense. Besides, we are half an earth away. Are there any possibilites that my efforts will work out from such a unbridgable distance.

[Angela]

I think I understand you alright, joyjoy. He has told you that your relationship is over, and he even used very strong words to get you to accept that when you apparently ignored or disregarded what he was saying to you in no uncertain terms. It is over.

Trying to manipulate the situation by declaring that you will be a whole new person, starting fresh with him, is wily but dishonest. (At the same time you're saying you want to be the girl he was crazy about before -- that's not so fresh, is it?)

He has asked you, joyjoy, to leave him alone, and you seem only willing to give him that as long as you can hold on to your plan to accost him again. You are intentionally disregarding his request that you leave him alone -- you're just biding your time till you can strike again in six months. What's wrong with that? Aside from it getting in the way of his freedom and your ability to build your own life into something worth living, it could also be considered to be against the law. If you were to approach him after he has asked you several times to stay away, he could get a restraining order and even have you put in jail.

Do you understand that if someone asks you to leave them alone, the best thing (for everybody!) is to honor that request? Forever!