should I let him go or should I fight for my love?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by richie

P.S. to all other posters:
I know I got her on the not so good path of going back to her old boy friend. but she's in immense pain. I know this is not the best solution but its almost second to best.

I'm sure you meant well, but don't you think it is rather cruel to give her hope when there really is none? You're telling a recovering alcoholic that his addiction won't return if he sticks to one glass a month. That is not kindness.

And your strategy, is it proven? Has it ever worked for anyone? Have you had any success with it? Or is it just something that ought to work in theory? I can tell you now that it would not work on me - it's manipulative and disingenuous. Not the qualities I look for in a lover.

I know how tempting it is to give false hope, because it is so much easier to do that then to serve up the cold hard truth. In the end, though, only the latter is a sign of true kindness.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by richie

You'll have to play with his emotions, and make sure you never loose yours.
(...)
would you like a guy who become all dependent on you and has no self respect of his own?

(...)

P.S. to all other posters:
I know I got her on the not so good path of going back to her old boy friend. but she's in immense pain. I know this is not the best solution but its almost second to best.

richie, I'm sure you meant it well too, but do you really think it's a good idea to teach her how to play games?? First, playing games is stupid per se. What hope is there in a relationship based on manipulation? Second, it's disrespectful, since he said clearly that he doesn't want the relationship anymore. Third, a relationship with a guy who's dependent on her and has no self-esteem on his own is a source of massive problems. You know that won't work out. They will separate again. Fourth, you know exactly that in this unhealthy relationship she would not work on herself like she would do it if she were single! Do you really think you're helping her? Yes, she's in immense pain. That's a chance for her! She can move on now, work on herself and build a happy life, so that she can be really happy, later, in a healthy relationship. She won't have this chance if she gets him back with dishonest tricks.

joyjoy, I'm glad you're back, I was wondering how you were doing. Do what you think is right. If you want my advice, I would say: break up every contact with him. Seriously. He doesn't want you anymore, but still needs you as a friend. Do you really want a man who doesn't really want you, but needs you? You don't need him! His emails are not good for you. Obviously you don't want to be his "best friend". Tell him that. Tell him not to write you again, ever. Tell your european and chinese friends not to give him any informations about you. If he writes, delete his emails or sms without reading them and don't answer.

Why don't you join other discussions on this forum too? There's a whole bunch of nice people here you can talk to about just everything. You're not alone. You'll see that life is beautiful and that you're a very strong young woman

[joyjoy]

Thanks for all of you first! Thanks for all your reply. I did not sleep so well and thats why i have been sleeping until now today. I just read your messages. No matter what point you hold, I am full of gratitude for all of you.

He wrote me two more emails one hour ago. One email but from two email addresses.

Hi ＊＊＊

This is not how I had pictured today three years ago....three years ago everything was happiness...Three years ago today, we went to Hangzhou, and I remember everything that happened. Everything from the snake that scared you to the bubbles you blew by the lake. I am so sorry that things did not work out between us, I truly am but we tried a long time and it did not work. But I still wish you all the best, and I am still your friend, and a person who cares deeply for you. I hope that you eventually will be able to accept me as your friend again.



Best,

＊＊＊


He will never get it. He can never got it that if i am so in love with hiim, how can we ever be friends again. He is just hurting me again and again by reminding me of all these.

On the other hand, he is giving me false hope on trying again, since he still cares. If he still cares, I will always think that there is a chance. I will always think that I should give it a last try. I hate it. He just makes me cry again and again.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by joyjoy

He will never get it. He can never got it that if i am so in love with hiim, how can we ever be friends again. He is just hurting me again and again by reminding me of all these.

He might not get it (yet), but you do, right? Let him know that any further contact between the two of you just brings you pain. Tell him that, for both of your sakes, you need to break contact for now and maybe indefinitely.

Godspeed!
Jim.

[Angela]

Argghhhh. I was in a relationship like that once -- both of us had the hardest time letting go of each other, even though we both recognized that the relationship was nooooooooot working. We dragged it out for months of agonizing awfulness, because neither of us could bring ourselves to just end it for good. Finally, in one conversation, we agreed to let go -- to cut off all communication and not see each other. Oh, just remembering, it was so painful -- but without that letting go, neither of us would ever have been free to create a life we love. I could have just kept hanging on, and never have been available for my current, wonderful relationship with Danger Man. Pheww!!!

It hurts like hell to cut the cord, but until you have the courage to do it, you are in a prison of your own making.

Make a jailbreak, Joyjoy! Set yourself free.

[joyjoy]

Hard for me to figure out what is the right thing to do now. Keep in contact or no contact forever. I will think about it. Thanks for all your help really! It means a lot for me at this time

[joyjoy]

Hi everyone, i am back againsorry, i have been in a really mess last months. First, my computer is broken, and of course, i never had any backups. It brought me so much troubles; Secondly, UPS lost my passport when i apply visa to Canada for ChristmasP Really not that lucky last year!!!!

However, it seems there is a chance i and my ex- is back again... When he went to London for meeting two weeks ago, and he had a stopover in Copenhagen, and we finally met after half a year...

Even before we met, he told me we will only be friends, and meet as friend. I showed up. Maybe i lost 12 kg, maybe all my girlfriends really helped me dressing up and making up... I could tell he is ... shocked, but in a really good and happy way. And of course, the most important thing, i was really trying hard to change. We did not have any slightest argument during our meeting, for 5 hours. And i told him specifically, we can never be friends. its just human nature, and its impossible for me. He had tears in eyes. And i told him, i cannot wait for you endlessly, you know i am waiting for you to come back. He then said, i have been waiting for you to change for three years.

Then we both got sentimental... I changed the subject. After we were apart, he went to London and flew back to his island go on working. Iam still staying in Copenhagen of course. However, he started chatting with me on internet, microphone, almost everyday now. He did not tell me specifically we are back now, but all what he is doing now just makes me think so.

We have been talking almost everyday for like two weeks by now. Talking happily, and no arguments so far. I dont know what will happen to us next. But it seems 2008 doesnt treat me too bad, as in 2007...

I remeber all of you, of course, giving me all the help i need during my most difficult time...I googled and foud our place back again in this new computer.

Everything has been great to me now. My weight kept on dropping due to my strong determination. It finally now started with a 6 in kg, instead of a 8 I have been doing quite a few business with China from Copenhagen and also doing well with my study in Sweden. Everything seems fine now...The most horrible time is finally gone...

But why girls ... cannot really so hurt in a relation.. and reallly hard for them to get recover soon from a relation.... i will really cherish my chance this time. I wish he can ask me to be his girl friend one day..i really wish so. Iam scared to get hurt once again

Love you guys...All of you.

[joyjoy]

What i learned from this is, follow your heart!!!

When all my friends and everyone around told me that he will never be back, for some reason, i always believe he will.

Maybe there was really too much memories between us, or we really truly crazily loved. You always forgive, if its your true love, isn't it??? I was such a miserable person before, and he did not leave me. That gave me more reason to trust him, and his personality, and our relation, love and intermacy before.

I did.

I did not say yes when the other guys asked me out to date. I always think, there is already a man in my heart. And its him.

I have been waiting for him for half a year by now, no matter how many times he told me no, no , never, never. And also becoz i know how he can really overact sometimes, he can be quick-termpered and lost mind as me sometimes. Thats also one thing gave me reason to wait.

Now the miracle seems finally works on me now. I really, am so full of gratitude to everything now.

[Attila]

Hi there,

I'm new on this board and really love to read the stories.

JoyJoy, please ... Don't get to excited for now. You are in a advantage ATM. Don't screw it up again. I'd play sometimes myself as well if I where in your shoes. So now and then only. Telling that you won't be there online with MSN or whatever cause you go out with your girlfriends and so on.
Now, What I really don't get is why you stay so depending on another person? Wouldn't it be much more fun to be independent? This is not about your dignity or that but don't prison yourself this way. It's pretty obvious that you're reclaiming your personal power and looks like it works but don't blow it again.
Stay on your path, focus on YOUR independent future. Love will come again.
And yeah, I agree with you, it's impossible to stay friends just like that. It's hard to let go and to admit but I am currently in a same situation. I met a Girl few months ago, best sex ever, but we are just in a bad time. Now she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, I want to we've been together to long for weeks in one room. I just realize that I truly love this woman, but if we would continue this way there will be one day when she will be gone with another guy who can give her more things then I do at this moment. I am aware of the fact that I cannot give her security the way she want it. And if we stay bugging her and cry like a little baby and hope that there will be no solution at all. NEVER. Maybe in the short term but definitely not in the long term. So I just go and erase her phonenumber, her mails, from my skype and so on. And if she starts to contact me, then I just ask her how she's doing tell her a little bit about me and move on. If somebody from another gender wants to be friend with me, then there is only ONE way and that is with sex. Not just friends, especially not after I've been in relationship with somebody. Give me a break. Let the person go, they'll come back. Even out of curiosity That's human nature.