What does it mean to be a boyfriend?

[ZachHart72]

I am at the point in my life, where i am starting to get somewhat ...distracted, about the fact that i have never had a girlfriend.

I dont want to force it, but it is something that i would really like.

A while back I was reading a post and Steve made a very insightful comment; somewhere along the lines of "don't try to get a girlfriend, try to become a boyfriend".

I have however, realized, that i do not know what that would mean and i was wondering if anybody could help clear it up.

[Michael Chui]

First, don't sweat never having had a girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with being single, and anything else is a cultural norm that has very little real basis. (Some, but you're not asking.)

Second, the essential trick to having (and keeping) a girlfriend (read: "successfully loving someone else") is to find it completely unnecessary (read: "My life is good and worthwhile regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship.") The traditional, and far more succinct, advice is "Love yourself first." If not having a girlfriend is becoming a problem for you, then you need to look at yourself and improve yourself such that it isn't. Being needy isn't attractive.

Third, Steve's comment can be likened to Gandhi's "Be the change you want to see." You've correctly understood that what you need is to be a good boyfriend.

The essence of being a good boyfriend is stripping away the "boy" part. Be a good friend. In fact, be a great friend. Treat all women (and men, for that matter) well. Listen. Help people in need. Encourage the uncertain. Be honest and forthright.

Somewhere along the line of being this great person, you'll meet a girl who's awesome and interesting and beautiful. And being the honest guy you are, you tell her. She'll be flattered; you'll talk; there will be dinner, movies, and long walks on sidewalks (since we're paving over them beaches); next thing you know, you'll be chatting about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life together. Or not. Who knows?

It's all very mystical. But it starts with you, yourself, and being awesome.

Angela recently wrote a post on this subject here:
The Crocodile Nun - a long article about romantic love
It's worth a read-through; she says a bit more than I do here.

[Halcyon]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

The essence of being a good boyfriend is stripping away the "boy" part. Be a good friend. In fact, be a great friend. Treat all women (and men, for that matter) well. Listen. Help people in need. Encourage the uncertain. Be honest and forthright.

A very good resource for becoming a man is David DeAngelo's "On being a Man" and the books he recommends.

On Being A Man


<Halcyon>

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Be a good friend. In fact, be a great friend. Treat all women (and men, for that matter) well. Listen. Help people in need. Encourage the uncertain. Be honest and forthright.

Careful here. Nothing is worse for a man than hearing, "Let's just be friends" from a woman he's interested in.

Women will disagree - well, most will, maybe not all of them - but I have never, ever seen a man who's been relegated to the dreaded prison of the "friend zone" escape from it and develop a deeper, more meaningful and romantic relationship with a woman.

Never.

Not once.

If you MUST be a "friend" to her, write off any chance for further, deeper involvement.

[Michael Chui]

Okay, if you're the expert, then what positive advice would you give?

[cdn2wheeler]

I'm hardly an expert, though I've been imprisoned in the "friend zone" more than once (slow learner, I guess).

I suppose if I could only offer one bit of advice, it would be this: be clear about your intentions. No fuzzy "friends" thing. Man up. Take the initiative.

Kiss her, dammit!

[uberinquisitive]

My advice:

Go out and DATE. Not look for a girlfriend...DATE.

Philosophically, sure it's great to be a great friend and everything will work out. But reality is, the best way to get "more than a friend" is to go out on dates. And dating is a set of social skills (i.e. self-marketing) that must be practiced.

I have never had a boyfriend who started out as "a friend." Instead, these guys made it pretty clear (in non-psycho ways) that they thought I was cute and wanted to be with me.

And so, he asked me out. And we went on a date. He called me and kissed me and pursued me and treated me like a princess. And a series of dates later, I became the girlfriend.

Now, keeping the girlfriend...that's another issue.

[Halcyon]

geeze... I thought this was old news...
This is why there are PUA resources. Obviously people will misuse them but what DONT people misuse? ... yeah.... well there are two sides to everything. its all relative. not absolute.

tee hee

Ill make sense one day.


<Halcyon>

[tefaroko]

Well, I'm no expert here either, but I would have to agree with the being-a-friend idea. By being nice to other people, or being a member of the opposite sexs friend, maybe you're right....maybe you will be relegated to the 'friend zone' by that one person. But think of all the people you will meet through that person.

Think of all the people who will see you being a kind, considerate person. Or hear about you. Most relationships come from friends-of-friends kinda deals, so just put yourself out there, be as kind to everyone as you can without getting yourself stepped on, and basically don't think about it.

*I should note that I am far from a serial-dater, or anything like that. So perhaps you should assign a slightly lighter weight to my tip if you are more looking to head in that direction.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

I'm hardly an expert, though I've been imprisoned in the "friend zone" more than once (slow learner, I guess).

I suppose if I could only offer one bit of advice, it would be this: be clear about your intentions. No fuzzy "friends" thing. Man up. Take the initiative.

Kiss her, dammit!

If you'd looked closely, my advice doesn't at all disagree with yours. I repeat, "Somewhere along the line of being this great person, you'll meet a girl who's awesome and interesting and beautiful. And being the honest guy you are, you tell her."

I realize that people tend to think of friendship as a horrible and terrible thing, but that's what a romance is, after the whirlwind of passion has passed. If you're not looking for a long-term relationship, then there's no point in being a good person, in this context, because you'll be discarding her for the next girl soon enough.

The only real difference between a "friend" and a "boy/girl-friend" is the whole sex issue, whether it comes early in the relationship or late.

I agree with uberinquisitive that dating is important. I said, "there will be dinner, movies, and long walks". Which, by the way, I do with both my guy friends and my girl friends.

I also agree with Halcyon that PUA resources are very useful, if applied properly, since they essentially say the same thing. Step up your inner game, get alpha, be someone who can read people well, find a girl you want, attract her to you. But, as the name suggests, PUA techniques are centered on the pick-up, not the follow through. They do not help you with ideas on proposing marriage, for instance.

I'm not sure I'm being clear enough, so let me break it down.

Step 1. Be an awesome person who doesn't need a girl.
Step 2. Accidentally run into a girl who you become interested in.

Due to aforementioned awesomeness, you will already (1) be attractive and (2) be able to handle yourself with her. Everything else follows naturally.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

If you'd looked closely, my advice doesn't at all disagree with yours. I repeat, "Somewhere along the line of being this great person, you'll meet a girl who's awesome and interesting and beautiful. And being the honest guy you are, you tell her."

You're right. I guess I didn't understand it correctly. My fault, sorry.