Now I get it: Why people judge dates on superficial features

[Cron]

If a person is in a dead end job situation, bad shape, has a messy home, messy car or other similar negative superficial factors a number of people will decided not to get romantically involved with that person.

I used to think that was completely shallow.

I think I understand now.

I have a friend who is in her second live-in relationship with a seriously lazy, do-nothing, sloppy, boyfriend. I'm a bit towards the sloppy side of housekeeping, but when I stayed with them recently their apartment was so messy it actually stressed me out.

My friend has missed or been very late to events she was looking forward to because at the last minute her boyfriend couldn't be bothered to get up on time, move quickly enough, or he simply decided not to go out of laziness.

My friend has similar issues with her last live in boyfriend.

I can see now why someone might enjoy a person's company, but decide to not date that person if they see they have a sloppy car, apartment, going nowhere life.

Such things can ( doesn't have to be ) be a sign that the person doesn't care about him/herself and may not care about you once the excitement of a new relationship wears off. Getting involved with such a person would involve risking being with someone who will not respect your boundaries, who will stress you out with their habits, who will not take care of things.....his....or yours, and who will be no fun since s/he will not be doing anything with their life.

This isn't true with everyone who has one or more of these negative superficial attributes, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, so if you have some of these signs why should a person risk all of that frustration rather than just trying someone else?

My friends second and repeated experience with slacker boyfriends has really changed the way I think about having the newest car, the most fashionable clothes and other superficial things. I really don't care about those things for myself, but to other people they represent what they can expect out of me in a relationship.....potentially.

[Angela]

On the flip side, someone who put much of his attention on driving the most expensive car, wearing the finest threads, eating in the fanciest restaurants, is also sending messages about who he is likely to be in a relationship.

I, for one, wouldn't tend to be attracted to someone who makes those things a big priority in his life.

Taking care of yourself and indulging yourself are not quite the same thing. Which is not to say that you shouldn't indulge yourself with all or any of your desires -- that's a perfectly valid choice -- but ranking materialistic self-indulgence as one of your highest values won't resonate with my own values in a romantic relationship. I suspect that many women feel the same as I do, but I also suspect men often doubt that.

[Zukin]

David Buss has a lot of interesting findings on signaling in courtship and romantic relationships:
BussLab

He has a lot of published research:
BussLab

Like all psychological research, don't believe everything you read. Look at it from a critical perspective and see if it matches your observations in life.

[Lola]

I think it would be short-sighted to form my overall opinion of someone based ONLY on superficial attributes, sometimes such superficial attributes exist because of superficial character, but I do agree that such indicators will reveal some tendencies.

I'm not so tidy (around the house) except for periodic, maniacal episodes of housecleaning flurry. When I had kids growing up it was (I claimed) because I placed a higher premium on really being present as a mom rather than constantly stressing the state of home cleanliness (as my mom did). I'm not sure what my excuse is now that I live alone - she says as she idles away on the Pavlina forum and ignores the vacuum!

[Cron]

Originally Posted by Lola

I think it would be short-sighted to form my overall opinion of someone based ONLY on superficial attributes,

I wasn't talking about an "overall opinion of someone", I was talking about an opinion as to whether or not you would want to pursue a relationship with that person.

I of the mindset now that if you see their home/car/person being a total mess several times in a row that is indicative what you will be living with after the thrill of a new relationship wears off. That is not big deal, unless you are convinced that is something you don't want in your life and are willing to make sacrifices to keep it out. I wrote that I can now understand why people take it as a big deal when these signs are superficial, because they serve as indicators that the person may not care and respect themselves and that will be transmitted into your life.

[Lola]

Actually, I think we're more in agreement than not. I could have fleshed that comment out a bit...

Originally Posted by Lola

I think it would be short-sighted to form my overall opinion of someone [I am considering for a romantic relationship] based ONLY on superficial attributes, sometimes such superficial attributes exist because of superficial character, but I do agree that such indicators will reveal some tendencies. [Then the task becomes determining if those tendencies are deal-breakers or not.]

[JimOfferman]

The danger, I think, is that these superficial traits can be easily skewed by circumstance. Could very well be that the nice looking guy with the big squeeky clean house and the fast car is actually a slacker and a slob who just had a lucky break winning the lottery. But if you don't look past the superficial stuff to the character underneath, you're not gonna find out until all the money has been burned on cleaning bills...