Help opening a conversation?

[Cron]

Hi;

There is a woman at my gym that I think is attractive and I would like to strike up a conversation with her.

I know most women do not want to be approached at the gym and just want to left alone. I feel a bit disappointed with myself that I have seen her around so often, wanted to approach her and haven't tried. I just want to try starting a conversation with her for my own self respect. I'm not expecting any big results.

The trouble is I can't think of a conversation opener that doesn't sound too lame or doesn't come off as too forward or strong.

Any ideas for a conversation opener that isn't any of those things and that might inspire more than a brief response?

Thanks in advance

[LifeFirst]

easy, ask her how much she can bench...

she'll start laughing, then go from there.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hmm... At the time I exercised at the gym, when a man I didn't know at all came to me out of the blue with some opening line, I looked at him with such a glance that if glances could kill, he'd have fallen dead on the floor. What about trying something different? Now you're here and she's there, far away. To get closer to her, you can use a conversation opener and go the whole way in thirty seconds (and probably the whole way back in thirty seconds too), or you can use a slower and more general strategy.

From your post this gym doesn't seem to be a place where everybody greets each other. That's a pity and needs to be changed You say you see her around often. Why not say "Hi" to her and smile when you see her, and then just go exercise. I guess there are more people you see regularly there. Say hello to all of them when you see them, and then just go exercise. When you meet someone on your way, smile.

With time, they will start to say hello to you spontaneously too. Then, when you already regularly greet each other, conversations take place naturally. One day you'll be exercising at the same place and just smile at each other. Some other day, someone will say "pfew, today it's harder than usually!" and the other one will ask "have you been increasing your weights or do you have a cold?" and so on. Then again with time, these conversations get longer. That's how I made contacts at my gym. She doesn't have to be the first one with whom you have such a conversation, btw. I'd contact other people too.

A guy whom lots of people greet and talk to, who's friendly and open to everyone and smiles happily is much more attractive than a jerk trying to pick you up at the gym

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Cron

There is a woman at my gym that I think is attractive and I would like to strike up a conversation with her.

I know most women do not want to be approached at the gym and just want to left alone.

...

The trouble is I can't think of a conversation opener that doesn't sound too lame or doesn't come off as too forward or strong.

That is a tough one, Cron, because you're right. Most women don't want to be approached at the gym.

So, what sort of conversation opener would you use to approach an attractive woman you periodically run into at Starbucks or the bookstore? Maybe if you take the gym context out of the mix you can think of some possibilities. Or, what if you even said (with a winning smile), "I wish I'd run into you somewhere other than the gym so I could strike up a conversation with you without looking like a gym-creep?" Whatever you do I think the key will be making any encounter as "naturally" occurring as possible.

[benwit]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Hmm... At the time I exercised at the gym, when a man I didn't know at all came to me out of the blue with some opening line, I looked at him with such a glance that if glances could kill, he'd have fallen dead on the floor. What about trying something different? Now you're here and she's there, far away. To get closer to her, you can use a conversation opener and go the whole way in thirty seconds (and probably the whole way back in thirty seconds too), or you can use a slower and more general strategy.

From your post this gym doesn't seem to be a place where everybody greets each other. That's a pity and needs to be changed You say you see her around often. Why not say "Hi" to her and smile when you see her, and then just go exercise. I guess there are more people you see regularly there. Say hello to all of them when you see them, and then just go exercise. When you meet someone on your way, smile.

With time, they will start to say hello to you spontaneously too. Then, when you already regularly greet each other, conversations take place naturally. One day you'll be exercising at the same place and just smile at each other. Some other day, someone will say "pfew, today it's harder than usually!" and the other one will ask "have you been increasing your weights or do you have a cold?" and so on. Then again with time, these conversations get longer. That's how I made contacts at my gym. She doesn't have to be the first one with whom you have such a conversation, btw. I'd contact other people too.

A guy whom lots of people greet and talk to, who's friendly and open to everyone and smiles happily is much more attractive than a jerk trying to pick you up at the gym

ding..ding..ding... I think we have winner. I think this is the most appropriate approach in that setting. Depending on your gym, my presumption is that most people at the gym are there to get their work in as efficiently as possible. I think investing some time to make interaction more comfortable, starting with a hello when you see her, will take her guard down and when you end up walking out with her one day when you are leaving at the same time, then you have some degree of recognition and can extend the conversation.

Before I completed our home gym, I used to see the guys trolling the gym trying to strike up conversations. It got on my nerves and I wasn't even the having my workout interrupted. Slow and steady young tortoise..

[joelyle]

...this sounds cheesy. But when I tried it: the lady thought it was pretty cool; revise as needed or discard the idea as cheesy...
As she was dining with her two young daughters: I wrote on a napkin and left her a pen:

I wrote:

hi,
You're cute.
My name is Joe.
Your name is _____.

Joe,

Call me _____
Email me ______
Leave me alone!____

This spared the uncomfortableness of speaking to her in front of her kids.

She wrote her email on the napkin. Her kids thought this was cool too!

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by joelyle

She wrote her email on the napkin. Her kids thought this was cool too!

I like this, gotta try it sometime.

*makes notes*

[JimOfferman]

That's just awesome, Joe!

I would personally just smile politely and say "Hi!" - no more. Do that every time you see her in the gym. Don't try to start a conversation, just greet her and observe how she responds. At this point, you only want her to notice that you are nice, polite and - most importantly - not a predator or a pickup artist. If and when she feels comfortable enough to talk to you, she will. Just don't get your tongue all tied up when that happens!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Rose is very smart.

Joe, that's neat.

[joelyle]

The article referenced in this first post was a big help:

Why “Nice Guys” are often such Losers

I have taken a passive/accomodating approach in my relationships. I believe I will see improvement moving from this mode of operation.

Try the direct/specific approach.
Maybe you can try this after showing your non-verbal interest (smiling, head nod).

say this to her (do not write it as has been suggested earlier...)

Hi,

My name is ______. I would like to meet you for ____. What day will work better for you, Thursday at 6 PM or Friday at 7 PM?

Fill in the blanks/add information which show who you are and what is important to you.
This lets her know if you are someone she’d like to get to know and that you are decisive in matters which are important to you (in this case: getting to know her). It also will indicate if she is in a relationship. I realize this is bold, but I don’t see it as offensive.
She sees you at the gym: so you are not a stranger.

Let me know how it works: then I will try it

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

That's just awesome, Joe!

I would personally just smile politely and say "Hi!" - no more. Do that every time you see her in the gym. Don't try to start a conversation, just greet her and observe how she responds. At this point, you only want her to notice that you are nice, polite and - most importantly - not a predator or a pickup artist. If and when she feels comfortable enough to talk to you, she will. Just don't get your tongue all tied up when that happens!

100% right on.

If you are friendly and leave things open, 90% of the time, if the woman finds you attractive, she'll be eating out of your hand.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by joelyle

say this to her (do not write it as has been suggested earlier...)

Hi,

My name is ______. I would like to meet you for ____. What day will work better for you, Thursday at 6 PM or Friday at 7 PM?

Fill in the blanks/add information which show who you are and what is important to you.
This lets her know if you are someone she’d like to get to know and that you are decisive in matters which are important to you (in this case: getting to know her). It also will indicate if she is in a relationship. I realize this is bold, but I don’t see it as offensive.
She sees you at the gym: so you are not a stranger.

Let me know how it works: then I will try it

I understand where you're coming from, but there's a fundamental danger here that I think you might be missing.

This is a standard sales tactic: don't give the potential customer an option of saying no. Just give them a couple of different options to say yes.

But, alas, it generally doesn't work.

The potential customer - or partner, in this case - will automatically feel that they're being forced into making a choice. It's a double-bind; maybe they don't want to make a choice between those two options. Instead of warm fuzzy feelings, they're immediately put on the spot and are made to feel uncomfortable, so the automatic response is to put up an immediate defensive wall and say "no" to everything.

So relax about this stuff. Let the pressure off. Say hi. Chat about something that matters. Once you've got some "energy" flowing and an element of trust and respect has been established, then ask her out.

First things first, my friend, first things first.

[sebzzz]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

A guy whom lots of people greet and talk to, who's friendly and open to everyone and smiles happily is much more attractive than a jerk trying to pick you up at the gym

This answer seems pretty good for me. I'm 20 years old, kind, funny and good looking and have strong goals and values and romantic and name it (no bragging here, I can tell you that honestly), but still, I've been single for all my life.

I see a lot of girls looking at me when I'm somewhere, but I never approach any of them. I once read about pickup artists tricks and tried them (I'm not very shy so it wasn't difficult), but it just didn't feel natural and I didn't want to lie to women to be able to talk to them. So I returned to my state of just exchanging looks. I'm always asking myself what on earth could I be asking them that would be genuine and doesn't seem to hit on them.

Now, this answer makes it clear I think. In all my life, I think I never smiled at a stranger who attracts me. Now, even saying "Hi" to people in places I go seems awkward because I haven't been habituated to establish relations with strangers.

I will try my best to break the ice and smile at people starting right now. After I'm comfortable smiling, I'll say hello, and after that I'll probably have full conversations.

Thanks a lot Rose.

[Jim11]

I met a woman at the gym a year or so ago. It didn't work out, but I managed to work myself into a date.

The slow approach was what I took. The "Hi' and smile, the "how's it going" and continue walking.

I would also add in a couple things to let her know that I existed. I would go the machine she was wiping down and just say something like "are you all finished here?" with a nice smile, and a simple thank you after she said she was.

Since she knew I was friendly she asked me one day if she was using a machine correctly, then we started conversing a little, etc.