Dating While Separated

[lupinski272]

Long story short...my husband cheated...we are separated (not legally) for the last 4 months...I went to a movie with my best friend from high school 2 months ago and something just clicked. We have been dating since then. How long should we wait before letting my children know we are dating? Are there any legal ramifications if we decide to live together? Not anytime soon....maybe in 8 months or so.

[cdn2wheeler]

I can't speak to the legal issues because, first, I'm not a lawyer, and second, it may depend on your jurisdiction. Different provinces/states have slightly different rules and precedents, so what may be good advice in, say, Ontario (where I am) may not be good advice in Delaware or Shanghai.

It's hard to suggest about what to say to the kids, if anything, at this stage. How old are they?

I personally think it's great that you've connected with someone from your past. My only caution is that you be aware of the whole "rebound" thing.

[JimOfferman]

You are clearly (and understandably) not planning to go back to your husband, so perhaps now is the time to formally wrap up that relationship in a divorce. It really is best for everyone involved to get closure on this, so that all are free to pursue new relationships.

[Angela]

lupinski272, after witnessing your suffering through the demise of your marriage, it wrings my heart a little to hear that you are thinking about living with someone after dating him for only 2 months (and you haven't even formalized your separation yet!)

I hope you give yourself the gift of a good chunk of time to be single. I think you will be grateful to yourself for doing so, because you'll have the chance to really work out for yourself what you created in your marriage, what worked and what didn't, how you can grant yourself more freedom and joy in relationships, and time with your children to heal. Also, you'll be grateful for the fun of dating without the neediness of hopping straight into a relationship. Be honest with yourself: how much of your desire to be in a relationship with Mr. Click is fear of being alone?

As for telling the kids, it's my personal feeling that you would be wise not to share your dating habits while you're still married to their father.

Best wishes,
A

[lupinski272]

I understand your concern...and it is well warranted. My husband and I do have a temporary separation agreement while the final draft is drawn up. Our attorneys expect everything to be tied up in January with divorce proceedings to hopefully be finalized in or about July or August of 2008.

I was devastated when our marriage ended. I never expected my husband to turn to me one day after 10 years of marriage and tell me that he had been having an affair for the last 2 years. I tried to make a go of it, but it just wasn't meant to be.

I did a lot of soul searching the first few months after our marriage ended and it doesn't matter what worked and what didn't work in the marriage, because he still cheated. It was a concious choice that HE made, and I don't think it would be healthy to dwell on my failures.

Regarding the new boyfriend....we have known each other for 20 years and have seen each other through it all. Our relationship has been the only stability in each of our lives for those 20 years. And no, I don't want to be alone...but who does? However, that's not why I am with him. I would much rather be alone than be in an empty relationship. But when I'm with him I feel safe and serene and not afraid to be myself. I have always felt this way around him, I just don't think I ever recognized my feelings for what they truly were. And while I am not planning on having him move in with me today, tomorrow or next week...I can see myself with him for the next 20 years as easily as I can look back and recall the last 20.

My children have known him since they were born (they are ages 3 & 7) and he adores them. It's just hard to always stay 3 feet apart, hoping they don't catch us glancing at each other. I would just like to be able to hold his hand and not feel like it's a big secret.

[JimOfferman]

Have you spoken to your attorney at all about the legal implications of having a boyfriend? I think that is one question you really need to post with your legal council and not with us.

Reading your last post, I felt you are more than justified in taking the steps you have taken and it is my wish that your new relationship does bring you the stability you seek, after all this divorce "crap" is over. Hang in there!

[lupinski272]

My husband and I have discussed the issue of new relationships with our attorneys...while nothing has been put into writing, the attorneys politely requested that each of us refrain from introducing the children to "new" relationships for a term of 1 year. My husband's attorney asked him if he wanted this written into the formal separation agreement, and he stated that it wasn't necessary. However, I feel he answered this way in part because he has already indicated that the holidays are coming and that he wants to spend Christmas Eve with the boys and his new girlfriend (well the woman he has been with for the last 2 years). Here's where it gets a little sticky...

My husband's girlfriend is married as well and can't afford a divorce. She also has 3 children from 2 previous relationships...she runs her mouth like a truck driver and my husband has stated quite frankly that she lacks the appropriate parenting skills needed to raise well adjusted children. Interaction between her and my children frightens me. Take that and throw in the fact that my husband indicated that his relationship with her would not be a permanent one and that after 2 years he still did not feel committed to her leaves me concerned for the boys....I don't want them to witness a revolving relationship door. Children thrive on routine and stability and his actions are of great concern.

Ok, so I am a little biased, but my choice for a relationship seems a little more balanced and stable. The new boyfriend is a good man with a kind heart. He doesn't use foul language and is NOT married. He also does not have any children, which for me is a plus, because I don't have to worry about my boys competing for pecking order. Our relationship has, is and always will be a permanent fixture. We have thought through all of the possible pitfalls and both have faith that this is where we were meant to be at this time in our lives.

How do I express my concerns with my husband? I don't want to appear controlling or judgemental. Someday, after all, we will all need to play nice together for the sake of the boys.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

How do I express my concerns with my husband? I don't want to appear controlling or judgemental. Someday, after all, we will all need to play nice together for the sake of the boys.

You don't.

You tell your attorney exactly what you've told us, and your attorney forwards that information to your ex-hub's attorney.

Like it or not - and I happen not to like it one bit, but it's reality - divorce is a legal process, and as such it's confrontational.

Your primary purpose should be (and likely is) the wellbeing of your children. Yes, there will come a time when you all "play nice together for the sake of the boys," but until that time comes, unfortunately it's war.

Been there, done that. Twice. I was "Joe Nice Guy" in my separations/divorces and got royally reamed for my trouble.

[JimOfferman]

I agree with cdn in that there is little room for kindness in a legal process, unfortunately. You have to be very strict and - frustrating as it may be - do everything via the lawyers. In the end, it's all stone cold negotiations: I'll give you this if you grant me that.

I went through a divorce of sorts when my previous employer decided to end my contract (as a cost cutting measure), which at the time was more complicated than divorcing from your spouse. That is, there used to be something here called a "flash divorce", where you could literally take care of the whole thing in an afternoon... absolutely crazy!

[Honeywith4bees]

I dated my current boyfriend (manfriend, actually) for almost nine months before introducing him to my children. I felt like my love life was and is personal and not something that they needed to know or worry about. Their Father had three different girlfriends during that same time period that came and went, each time leaving the children wondering what happened. You probably feel like you and your current guy will never break up so that its okay to introduce them to the kids, but you probably thought that about your ex husband too. I know that thats how I thought.

[max1673]

I have been separated (not legally separated) from my wife for about 12 months , I've been living in the basement and in the living room for this long. Everything about her irritated me, I couldn't wait to stop sleeping on the same bed with her, add to it that i got married at 19 years old now I'm 43 with a 19 year old daughter.
I've been dating a woman for 3 months now we click big time. she's got everything that I was looking for that my wife is lack of, It's not the "afraid of being alone thing" that never cross my mind, i pass that stage when I was 19.
Also it is not the rebound thing, I will never go back to the wife, it took me a long time to make that decision due to my daughter who was too young at the time and me being afraid of the unknown. I can tell you that I hate myself for being such a coward by not saying no to things that I did, for example renew vials, all I said was: I'm doing this for you, not for me i do not care about this; I was such a dufus, idiot, imbecile.
I have to see my lawyer this week to proceed with the divorce.
it's going to be tough but I have to do it. I'm not getting any younger

[Ping]

I see this phrase used a few times as people describe meeting someone outside their marriage - usually an old high school friend/lover, or someone
who the person has "been friends with/had feelings for" for years. I would
recommend anyone who even is ABOUT to consider contacting a former
lover/close friend to "catch up" on things, or to just see how they have
been doing "all these years" - to read the book "Lost and Found Lovers" by Nancy Kalish, Ph.D.
I have experienced this "rekindled First Love" effect , and it is VERY POWERFUL. In this book the people who re-connect with someone they had
been romantically involved with or very close friends with, when they were around 16, fell COMPLETELY in love in a matter of from ONE to THREE WEEKS.
The longer they had been apart from each other , from 10 to 20+ years and even 40 years later , the greater the attraction. The term they often use to describe their relationship is, " It was like we took up where we left off!"
The book warns anyone who is in a relationship that they WANT to stay in, to
not even think about looking up that "old flame" on Facebook or Classmates. The attraction can be tremendous. Even when people have definitely intended NOT to start any kind of romantic involvement, they very soon left their marriages.
I'd be glad to discuss this more. It is really wonderful when it is right!

[mindset]

Whatever you and your husband decide on, first and foremost, you should always consider your children's feelings and think of their best interests.
It's never easy for children to go through a broken family and separated parents. Make it bearable for them to accept the situation...even if it means not directly telling them of your current relationships until you know they're ready.
I wish you the best of luck!

[st33med]

This is a several year old post, FYI! It's an old old post.

[Ping]

Originally Posted by Ping

I see this phrase used a few times as people describe meeting someone outside their marriage - usually an old high school friend/lover, or someone
who the person has "been friends with/had feelings for" for years. I would
recommend anyone who even is ABOUT to consider contacting a former
lover/close friend to "catch up" on things, or to just see how they have
been doing "all these years" - to read the book "Lost and Found Lovers" by Nancy Kalish, Ph.D.
I have experienced this "rekindled First Love" effect , and it is VERY POWERFUL. In this book the people who re-connect with someone they had
been romantically involved with or very close friends with, when they were around 16, fell COMPLETELY in love in a matter of from ONE to THREE WEEKS.
The longer they had been apart from each other , from 10 to 20+ years and even 40 years later , the greater the attraction. The term they often use to describe their relationship is, " It was like we took up where we left off!"
The book warns anyone who is in a relationship that they WANT to stay in, to
not even think about looking up that "old flame" on Facebook or Classmates. The attraction can be tremendous. Even when people have definitely intended NOT to start any kind of romantic involvement, they very soon left their marriages.
I'd be glad to discuss this more. It is really wonderful when it is right!

I can echo everything Ping says here. When I joined Classmates to "just find out how some old high schoool friends were doing", I sent a note to my HS girlfriend - it had been over 40 years since we had a face to face conversation. Just info about each passed by relatives. I was in a marriage in name only and had been for over 7 years but I was faithful. She had left a terrible marriage 14 years before. THis "click" was like a whirlwind that captured us! We have not been able to stay out of contact with each other for more than a few hours - it has been 15 months. I am 32 days away from a divorce. We certainly know how Lapinski feels about having to live as if we are not "a couple". We joke about living "like vampires" - seeing each other ONLY under the cover of darkness. It is the perfect example of "it feels SO RIGHT", but we have to keep our eyes and hands to ourselves in public. The sentiment I read here from Lapinski that all of us "Lost Loves Rekindled" say is that it feels SO COMFORTABLE and serene being together. But when the opportunity arises, the excitement is unstoppable!
Counting

[Coccinnelle]

That is exactly what happened to me this year and I just don't know why it happened now and at this age ???? I am even very willing to have a reading from someone about this. Is it something that I subconciously initiated or was it meant to happen ? Is there a future for us? I don't think so. If it was meant to happen why life separated us before? He was my boyfriend 25 years ago and we dated for more than a year. Everything happened so unexpectedly this year and in a such unusual way and we fell in love SO MUCH and I have to admitt that it was what I always wanted to experience in my life and I don't regret it at all .
I will certainly look for the book recommended by Ping.

[Ping]

Coccinnelle, and anyone even possibly in the situation of having contact with an "old high school flame" - Get the book - 'Lost and Found Lovers" by Dr. Nancy Kalish. When this phenomenon happened to me, I did what I usually do when I encounter something I don't understand - I reserched in on Search.com. I found 'Lost and Found Lovers" and I realized what was happening to me - to us! It is like a chemical addiction triggered by hormones that were associated with just THAT person back when you were teens. The effect is Tremendous, exhiliarating, smooooooth, and a wonderful JOY - after you realize that you are NOT going crazy. The trouble is that - if it happens between two people who are NOT Available ( either one is married) then there is terrible anquish and tearing of bonds.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Ping

I can echo everything Ping says here. When I joined Classmates to "just find out how some old high schoool friends were doing", I sent a note to my HS girlfriend - it had been over 40 years since we had a face to face conversation. Just info about each passed by relatives. I was in a marriage in name only and had been for over 7 years but I was faithful. She had left a terrible marriage 14 years before. THis "click" was like a whirlwind that captured us! We have not been able to stay out of contact with each other for more than a few hours - it has been 15 months. I am 32 days away from a divorce. We certainly know how Lapinski feels about having to live as if we are not "a couple". We joke about living "like vampires" - seeing each other ONLY under the cover of darkness. It is the perfect example of "it feels SO RIGHT", but we have to keep our eyes and hands to ourselves in public. The sentiment I read here from Lapinski that all of us "Lost Loves Rekindled" say is that it feels SO COMFORTABLE and serene being together. But when the opportunity arises, the excitement is unstoppable!
Counting

I'm sure you can agree with Ping... being that you are Ping, and all.

Zombie-ing years-old threads to market your book or whatever you're doing is not cool, okay? MODS?

[Firefly101]

Wait, why is ping quoting ping???

No comprende.

[DanFromSeoul]

Hello Lupinsky,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you.

I'm also sorry that I'm going to be asking some tough but understandable questions.

This is to make sure that we can understand what caused your relationship to go the way it did, and to make sure it won't happen again either with your husband or with your new partner.

I hope that's okay with you.

Since you have children with your husband, I'm assuming that you've been together for a long time.

w.r.t. the cheating:

/1 Were there any signs before it happened that could have told you that he was going to cheat on you?

/2 Was it the cheating that made you want to separate from your husband? Or was it something else (or many other things) and that might have lead to the cheating?

/3 Have you ever had relationships in your past were your partners were not monogamous?

And let's look at the 'you' part of the relationship

/4 Were there any signs before when you were dating him that could have told you he was going to cheat?

/5 What do you think your input was that caused this relationship to break down? A relationship, after all, takes two.

I hope you answer these questions for yourself (even if you don't choose to post the answers). They will help you take a look at your relationship patterns and check to see if maybe there's something else to the relationship cycle than meets the eye...

Granted, I've never been married myself but have been in a few long-term relationships and have friends/mentors who are relationship counselors/coaches.

Good luck and I will answer if you have any questions.

Dan

[Coccinnelle]

Originally Posted by Ping

Coccinnelle, and anyone even possibly in the situation of having contact with an "old high school flame" - Get the book - 'Lost and Found Lovers" by Dr. Nancy Kalish. When this phenomenon happened to me, I did what I usually do when I encounter something I don't understand - I reserched in on Search.com. I found 'Lost and Found Lovers" and I realized what was happening to me - to us! It is like a chemical addiction triggered by hormones that were associated with just THAT person back when you were teens. The effect is Tremendous, exhiliarating, smooooooth, and a wonderful JOY - after you realize that you are NOT going crazy. The trouble is that - if it happens between two people who are NOT Available ( either one is married) then there is terrible anquish and tearing of bonds.

Yes that is the problem and that's why is so painful now:
The trouble is that - if it happens between two people who are NOT Available ( either one is married) then there is terrible anquish and tearing of bonds.

Life continues. I have to be grateful for this experience. Everything was mutual and yes it was magical like in a fairy tale.
Now everything is over not because we both don't want to continue our relationship, it 's because of our very,very complicated situation....
We'll keep the memories.

I'll get the book today.

[Ping]

I need to change my signon name and do not know how! The system assigned "Ping" to me when I had to find my password. I am not the same person as the first "Ping" who posted here. This is weird to be thought of as someone else who is anonymous.

For you, Coccinnelle, and anyone who has been "tangled up" with a Lost Love, there is one way of taking on the hurt and making a positive of it. You can't be together with your Lost Love because one or both of you is in a stable family or has responsibilities that should not be walked away from. You can look at it as your ultimate gift of love to them to leave them alone to fulfil their commitment to those responsibilities - and thereby save the most people from being hurt/damaged.

[goldberg]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

Long story short...my husband cheated...we are separated (not legally) for the last 4 months...I went to a movie with my best friend from high school 2 months ago and something just clicked. We have been dating since then. How long should we wait before letting my children know we are dating? Are there any legal ramifications if we decide to live together? Not anytime soon....maybe in 8 months or so.

My 2 cents, been married for a while, that is about my main 'qualification'.

Sounds like your marriage is over, it is time to move on. I would not date while separated, I would get a divorce first.

However if you feel that you can somehow make your marriage work, then I would stop dating. You can't have your cake and eat it.

[ssandra]

This is a very old post. The OP hasn't posted here anymore.

If you have a similar question or problem, feel free to start a new thread and people will help you.


For now this thread is closed.