Dating While Separated

[lupinski272]

Long story short...my husband cheated...we are separated (not legally) for the last 4 months...I went to a movie with my best friend from high school 2 months ago and something just clicked. We have been dating since then. How long should we wait before letting my children know we are dating? Are there any legal ramifications if we decide to live together? Not anytime soon....maybe in 8 months or so.

[cdn2wheeler]

I can't speak to the legal issues because, first, I'm not a lawyer, and second, it may depend on your jurisdiction. Different provinces/states have slightly different rules and precedents, so what may be good advice in, say, Ontario (where I am) may not be good advice in Delaware or Shanghai.

It's hard to suggest about what to say to the kids, if anything, at this stage. How old are they?

I personally think it's great that you've connected with someone from your past. My only caution is that you be aware of the whole "rebound" thing.

[JimOfferman]

You are clearly (and understandably) not planning to go back to your husband, so perhaps now is the time to formally wrap up that relationship in a divorce. It really is best for everyone involved to get closure on this, so that all are free to pursue new relationships.

[Angela]

lupinski272, after witnessing your suffering through the demise of your marriage, it wrings my heart a little to hear that you are thinking about living with someone after dating him for only 2 months (and you haven't even formalized your separation yet!)

I hope you give yourself the gift of a good chunk of time to be single. I think you will be grateful to yourself for doing so, because you'll have the chance to really work out for yourself what you created in your marriage, what worked and what didn't, how you can grant yourself more freedom and joy in relationships, and time with your children to heal. Also, you'll be grateful for the fun of dating without the neediness of hopping straight into a relationship. Be honest with yourself: how much of your desire to be in a relationship with Mr. Click is fear of being alone?

As for telling the kids, it's my personal feeling that you would be wise not to share your dating habits while you're still married to their father.

Best wishes,
A

[lupinski272]

I understand your concern...and it is well warranted. My husband and I do have a temporary separation agreement while the final draft is drawn up. Our attorneys expect everything to be tied up in January with divorce proceedings to hopefully be finalized in or about July or August of 2008.

I was devastated when our marriage ended. I never expected my husband to turn to me one day after 10 years of marriage and tell me that he had been having an affair for the last 2 years. I tried to make a go of it, but it just wasn't meant to be.

I did a lot of soul searching the first few months after our marriage ended and it doesn't matter what worked and what didn't work in the marriage, because he still cheated. It was a concious choice that HE made, and I don't think it would be healthy to dwell on my failures.

Regarding the new boyfriend....we have known each other for 20 years and have seen each other through it all. Our relationship has been the only stability in each of our lives for those 20 years. And no, I don't want to be alone...but who does? However, that's not why I am with him. I would much rather be alone than be in an empty relationship. But when I'm with him I feel safe and serene and not afraid to be myself. I have always felt this way around him, I just don't think I ever recognized my feelings for what they truly were. And while I am not planning on having him move in with me today, tomorrow or next week...I can see myself with him for the next 20 years as easily as I can look back and recall the last 20.

My children have known him since they were born (they are ages 3 & 7) and he adores them. It's just hard to always stay 3 feet apart, hoping they don't catch us glancing at each other. I would just like to be able to hold his hand and not feel like it's a big secret.

[JimOfferman]

Have you spoken to your attorney at all about the legal implications of having a boyfriend? I think that is one question you really need to post with your legal council and not with us.

Reading your last post, I felt you are more than justified in taking the steps you have taken and it is my wish that your new relationship does bring you the stability you seek, after all this divorce "crap" is over. Hang in there!

[lupinski272]

My husband and I have discussed the issue of new relationships with our attorneys...while nothing has been put into writing, the attorneys politely requested that each of us refrain from introducing the children to "new" relationships for a term of 1 year. My husband's attorney asked him if he wanted this written into the formal separation agreement, and he stated that it wasn't necessary. However, I feel he answered this way in part because he has already indicated that the holidays are coming and that he wants to spend Christmas Eve with the boys and his new girlfriend (well the woman he has been with for the last 2 years). Here's where it gets a little sticky...

My husband's girlfriend is married as well and can't afford a divorce. She also has 3 children from 2 previous relationships...she runs her mouth like a truck driver and my husband has stated quite frankly that she lacks the appropriate parenting skills needed to raise well adjusted children. Interaction between her and my children frightens me. Take that and throw in the fact that my husband indicated that his relationship with her would not be a permanent one and that after 2 years he still did not feel committed to her leaves me concerned for the boys....I don't want them to witness a revolving relationship door. Children thrive on routine and stability and his actions are of great concern.

Ok, so I am a little biased, but my choice for a relationship seems a little more balanced and stable. The new boyfriend is a good man with a kind heart. He doesn't use foul language and is NOT married. He also does not have any children, which for me is a plus, because I don't have to worry about my boys competing for pecking order. Our relationship has, is and always will be a permanent fixture. We have thought through all of the possible pitfalls and both have faith that this is where we were meant to be at this time in our lives.

How do I express my concerns with my husband? I don't want to appear controlling or judgemental. Someday, after all, we will all need to play nice together for the sake of the boys.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

How do I express my concerns with my husband? I don't want to appear controlling or judgemental. Someday, after all, we will all need to play nice together for the sake of the boys.

You don't.

You tell your attorney exactly what you've told us, and your attorney forwards that information to your ex-hub's attorney.

Like it or not - and I happen not to like it one bit, but it's reality - divorce is a legal process, and as such it's confrontational.

Your primary purpose should be (and likely is) the wellbeing of your children. Yes, there will come a time when you all "play nice together for the sake of the boys," but until that time comes, unfortunately it's war.

Been there, done that. Twice. I was "Joe Nice Guy" in my separations/divorces and got royally reamed for my trouble.

[JimOfferman]

I agree with cdn in that there is little room for kindness in a legal process, unfortunately. You have to be very strict and - frustrating as it may be - do everything via the lawyers. In the end, it's all stone cold negotiations: I'll give you this if you grant me that.

I went through a divorce of sorts when my previous employer decided to end my contract (as a cost cutting measure), which at the time was more complicated than divorcing from your spouse. That is, there used to be something here called a "flash divorce", where you could literally take care of the whole thing in an afternoon... absolutely crazy!

[Honeywith4bees]

I dated my current boyfriend (manfriend, actually) for almost nine months before introducing him to my children. I felt like my love life was and is personal and not something that they needed to know or worry about. Their Father had three different girlfriends during that same time period that came and went, each time leaving the children wondering what happened. You probably feel like you and your current guy will never break up so that its okay to introduce them to the kids, but you probably thought that about your ex husband too. I know that thats how I thought.