Brush off a girl because of her past?

[Peleke4]

I hit it off with this girl and I think she's cool. But something that I can't seem to get past is the fact that she's a big-time promiscuous girl. I know it's her past and I shouldn't be phased by it; but it's nasty going to a gig knowing very well that she messed with half the guys there (**** maybe even more than that based on the stories I've heard). Sometimes I think it's best not be aware of a girl's past. In this case, it's impossible not to because she has such a solid reputation for promiscuous girl.
Although there was a connection, I am gearing towards brushing her off just because of this. I'm just not into girls who give away their precious assets like candy.

[Holistic Star]

What's making it a problem for you?

Is it what you think about it? Or is it what you think you should think about it? Afterall just because many people believe you should judge women who have sexual experience, it doesn't mean to say that you should. What would make you feel weird about it?


Also, reputations aren't necessarily true. I have a friend who is reputed to have slept with over a 100 people. However I know that the true number is less than a third of this. Some people might think that is still a lot, but it's a lot less than what is being gossiped about her behind her back. Besides which, she is one of the most caring, funny, good to be around person I know. So, what does the number of notches on the bedpost matter?

[JimOfferman]

Everyone has a past. It's easy to judge someone from the outside looking in, but that doesn't always give you an honest impression of that person. I would talk directly to the source. I would ask her about how she feels about this reputation of hers and hear her side of the story. Maybe she really is as promiscuous as they say or maybe she is desperatly searching for something, but not finding it. Maybe she thinks she can find it with you. Who knows...

If you discard her on reputation alone, you will never know - that's for sure.

[NotesMaeve]

You will be very fortunate if this woman doesn't brush you off for being too judgmental.

[openeyes]

Personally I think women that enjoy sharing their bodies are wonderful, it's much better than being riddled with shame about it all. If she's managed to do so while remaining physically and mentally healthy, I'd see it as more of a plus than anything else.

[Angela]

So, you think this woman is cool, and you had a connection with her.

BUT this thing you can't get past: you've heard and believe stories about her that she is promiscuous (my guess is that the word you've heard used is even uglier than that, right?) You are ready to pass by a chance to get to know someone you like and enjoy because of the way that makes you feel. Maybe you are thinking, "how could I get involved with a person of whom I would always be ashamed? I want a woman I can be proud of."

There's two things I want to say to you. First: how could you ever know if it's true that she is promiscuous? Is there a numerical limit, after which a woman becomes skanky? Will that number change as you and the women you meet get older? Does it make a difference if a percentage of her partners were guys you see at your gigs? If you hit that skank number at some point in your life, will you too become skanky? If you get married to a woman who is entirely 100% true to you, but find out after the wedding that she had hit the skank number before she met you, will you divorce her, or feel ashamed? I would like to invite you to examine what know is The Truth about your judgement, and what is just a story that you could hold onto or let go of.

Second: take a look at this feeling you get when think about her wonderfulness vs. her promiscuity. Have you felt this fear/shame/anxiety/judgement before, maybe in regards to something that happened when you were much younger? Did you decide something about yourself then? Maybe in this whole scenario you are mirroring some sort of promiscuity or other standard that you don't feel you are living up to, and are feeling the same shame/blame/rejection about that aspect of yourself. If so, maybe this would be a good time to forgive yourself, and look to see that judging yourself and others doesn't work as well in your life as might being fully present, surrendering judgement, generous listening, or something else that you generate for yourself.

It might not mean a relationship with this particular woman, but wouldn't it be terrific to revel in all your relationships, free of fear, shame, anxiety and judgement? Especially your relationship with yourself?

Sorry to go all Dr. Phil on your ass.

[Brutha]

What is your problem?
There are a few:
Fear, that she will dump you after a short time (because her past relationships were short)?
Fear of AIDS or other Sexually Transmitted Diseases?
Self identity? You think that guys who go for her are just after sex and not after a deep relationship because she is "easy"?
Adventure? You don't think that you have to invest enough energy in "getting her", because she is "easy".
Being judged by other because you are with her?

What are your reasons?

It would also help to know your cultural background.

[Livgivare]

Just a little mind-game for you, Peleke4: Change every she-word into a he-word and ask yourself if you would like to be friend with a guy that is exactly like this girl of yours. Would this imaginary friend be a good friend that you would be proud of knowing, you got to change the way you look about womens history before you met them and got to know them.

I see it all the time, guys telling a tale that they want a girl to be 100% true to them, while they have loads of friends that are not 100% true to their girls or have been in the history and confident says: But he is a guy! This makes me mad. The behaviour is not in the gender but just the behaviour. If we hate a behaviour we should not be friends with people that seems to have loads of that behaviour or we should change the way we think about that particular behaviour...in this way we treat people equal no matter what the type of person we talk to and still have our integrity...

Hehe, I am a feminist I know...but this is an important mind-game that I guess works wonders with every type of questions about relationships and what we feel about people...

Love Leelene

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Livgivare

Just a little mind-game for you, Peleke4: Change every she-word into a he-word and ask yourself if you would like to be friend with a guy that is exactly like this girl of yours. Would this imaginary friend be a good friend that you would be proud of knowing, you got to change the way you look about womens history before you met them and got to know them.

I see it all the time, guys telling a tale that they want a girl to be 100% true to them, while they have loads of friends that are not 100% true to their girls or have been in the history and confident says: But he is a guy! This makes me mad. The behaviour is not in the gender but just the behaviour.

There is a gender difference, though it doesn't concern me so greatly. Most women could easily go out and find a number of men willing to have sex with them, any time of day within a few tries. For men to be able to do so it's considered an achievement, while for women the challenge is resisting all the attention they get.

It often seems that with sex men are the gas, women the brakes. Hence gay men regularly have far more partners than anyone else (unless they've learned to apply the brakes, like women), but sheer quantity is no longer something to be so proud of, as it doesn't take much effort. Going back to earlier times, women are rewarded for being careful, while men have much less reason to be, as the physical investment in sex is so small (government/society/birth control skews this quite a bit now).

Again, I admire women who break from the pack and manage to healthfully (emphasis on healthfully, as it's potentially more damaging for women and anal receptive men) enjoy themselves, and always enjoy the chance to meet more people who are so alive and open.

[mckenziest000]

I think that you could ask yourself what is it about this woman i like.
What is it about me that makes her attractive to me. Is it up frontness, her smile, the way she handles herself in different situations. Do I feel comfortable with her - can I be strong enough for her. When you know your strength ( s) then be a willing travellor to travel a road wth the woman- perhaps the road travelled can be a mutually enjoyable travelling experience
Gregory John

[MmeIntentional]

Might be best if you brush off your ego. Do you think you could ever match up to the other guy's in bed? as it's only the sex that you are talking about it.

She may have kissed a few frogs first but you could be her prince and never know because of the stories you've heard. I'm sure it's hyped up to the max!

I can undersand if your worried about her dumping you and moving on to someone else etc. but don't let stories of her past ruin your cool relationship.

If she is a big skanky minger, have other men on the go as well as you, lies, std's etc. then move on BUT for some reason I don't hear his from your post, so enjoy what you have.

One ex bf of mine dumped me because he said I slept with a football team and he only had 2 gf's and wanted to sow some more oats. I bumped into him a couple of years later and he was soooo f**king sorry that he dumped me and told me that I was the best thing since sliced bread in more ways than one. Anyways I wacked up up on the skank meter since then but I've also spent 4 yrs sans sex and 6 yrs not in a relationship. I live my life like a nun, no bad rep but I wouldn't care one it if I did. Also when I told the men in my life how many men I slept with if they ask. I give them a rough idea but also tell them about my dirty night that I had shagging tons on men in the space of 12hrs. There response was always cool and because they know what I'm really like even if I always talk about kinky sex and give off a sexual aura. You may just say that I'm a sex binger, but I don't care if I don't have sex again for many years.

Also I knew someone that I used to work with who was totally in love with his gf but brushed her off because she was not a virgin

[lizthefair]

If you think you are "doing her a favor" by spending time with her, even though she has a "promiscuous" past, than I hope you will do her a favor and as you say "brush her off" or as I would say "leave her alone."

Even if you decide to stay with her, it seems unlikely to me that you will do so without looking down on her--which will likely lead you to treating her like crap.

Women face a catch 22 in terms of sexual relationships and the last thing that's needed is someone who is supposed to care for us adding to the patriarchy's pile of crap.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I have to agree with a lot of posters in that it seems you look down on her for her behavior. First of all, unless she has told you herself how many sexual partners she's had, you may be basing your decision on rumors. Secondly, the number of previous sexual experiences should be less of a factor than her health and her intentions in a relationship with you. Third, I have to ask, would you be down on a guy who had as many partners as she is rumored to have had? It's a huge double standard that women have to deal with and speaks to the very heart of relationships. There are separate rules for men and women...and I for one think it stinks.

For the record, I have only had sex with one person in my life. I have kissed one other guy. My boyfriend has been with God knows how many people* (I think he might be afraid to tell me the number), but as insecure as I can be, the only thing I want to think about is if he loves me and is faithful to me in the current relationship. The past is the past.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but a guy who's been with lots of women is commended, while a girl who's been with lots of guys is a slut.

Good luck with your decision.

*ETA: I'm a skank by association!

[Amandaaa]

well... i don't think it really matters, unless she has some kind of STD that you could get from her.

otherwise, her past shouldn't affect you.
(& having sexual experience may actually be a good thing?)


i don't know.
i wouldn't call it off immediately... and i wouldn't judge the girl based on hearsay.

if you guys have a connection, then it would be worth it to get to know her... even if she is a hussy.

[striving4peace]

This is interesting. One of my first posts on this forum was related to my insecurity about the fact that I haven't had sex at all (i'm a male in my mid twenties) Somehow I feel like this because society tends to place an emphasis on having as much sex as you can (for guys), and especially peer pressure can be hard. And I've noticed it's only now, that it seems acceptable for women to also openly enjoy thier sexuality. However there seem to be these imaginary limits on how much is healthy and how much makes a woman a "slut". Who defines these limits? I think it's other mass of insecure people who just want to be labelled normal so they try and influence what the "norm" is.

It's a norm. It's an opinion. Ten years from now, this girl might be totally normal according to society, just like some years ago it was unacceptable for her to not be a virgin.

Question is - what's your norm?

[Peleke4]

I like seeing different points of views on this and I did take your feedback into consideration. It seems everyone agrees it's not cool to brush someone off because of this. I really did try to overlook this, but it bugs me. I guess it's just my own issues and insecurities, my own standards of what I want in a girl. I did chat with several of my guy friends and they all feel the same way I do. Many guys would rather not be with a girl with a slutty past. I have never met a guy who was like, "Yeah, she's an amazing girl! She's fun, outgoing, spunky, and she also ****ed over a hundred guys!"
You know, everyone judges to some degree when dating someone new.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Peleke4

I have never met a guy who was like, "Yeah, she's an amazing girl! She's fun, outgoing, spunky, and she also ****ed over a hundred guys!"

Perhaps that is because the guys who are in a relationship with such a girl would like to stay in the relationship. In which case it is smart not to spread dirt like that around, as it really is no one's business.

It is fine really, that you choose to 'judge' this girl based on her reputation and, of course, you are free to find one with less sexual experience. Be sure not to become a hypocrite though, so let the same standard apply to you. That is, don't become the kind of guy who has nailed a whole sorority, but still expects his next gf to be a virgin.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by Peleke4

I really did try to overlook this, but it bugs me. I guess it's just my own issues and insecurities, my own standards of what I want in a girl. I did chat with several of my guy friends and they all feel the same way I do. Many guys would rather not be with a girl with a slutty past. I have never met a guy who was like, "Yeah, she's an amazing girl! She's fun, outgoing, spunky, and she also ****ed over a hundred guys!"
You know, everyone judges to some degree when dating someone new.

OMFG!! With any luck this girl will dump you and find someone else, true love relationship, get married, have kids...you know the monty and you will be there to see it all.

My sister who is promiscuous esp. in her teens who never had not even a day being single has got fed up of sleeping around and is very happy to be on her own. I know that she was very co-dependent and was with both men and women just to feel needed. This may have been teh reason for your gf ...I don't know but I know that you will lose her because of your judgment eating away at you.
My judgment at the towards her was a slut who didn't have respect for herself. The funny thing was none of these people who she slept with thought any less of her and crazyness that she got her rep from not how many people she shagged.


On the other hand you are fully aware that his is your own insecurities and you know it's not goint to go over night even if you brush the gf off.

How would you feel if you did give her the brush off, found someone else out side of your circle of friends. Only to find out that you have a very nie gf, no know rep but she slept with twice as many people as your current gf but kept it hush hush. I'm sure that would be an ultimate killer for you.

[Amandaaa]

I really did try to overlook this, but it bugs me. I guess it's just my own issues and insecurities, my own standards of what I want in a girl.

that's pretty understandable.

i don't think you're being overly judgmental...
some guys just want certain qualities in a girl, and some are more attracted to the whole "purity"/innocence thing.

my last boyfriend was a freak about stuff like this... it was just a pet peeve of his.
he didn't look down upon girls if they had a promiscuous history... he just didn't find it particularly attractive. he wanted a girlfriend who was extremely selective... someone who would only 'give it up' for the guy that she was in love with. (and maybe it was an ego thing-- like he wanted to be the only one good enough to make her give in...)


i don't know, it's different for everyone.
but no one can criticize you for having preferences.

[Amandaaa]

Be sure not to become a hypocrite though, so let the same standard apply to you. That is, don't become the kind of guy who has nailed a whole sorority, but still expects his next gf to be a virgin.

^agreed.

[Rose of Cairo]

gnnnnn.... I... have...to... calm... down....

I'll post later, when I have recovered from this rage attack

[Mayo]

Peleke, there are thousands of girls that fit you.. now if she is "promiscuous" then hehe ur a lucky guy for some time... just use the condoms all the time...

[lizthefair]

Ah Rose--I admire your self control. Although my selfish side would have loved to see you go after him

[m18pak]

Peleke4, ignore what everybody on here has said to you and make up your own mind on whether you want to be with this girl.

Listen, it does not matter if your standards for prospective partners are right or not. They are your standards. You are entitled to want what you want. You decide what you like and don't like.

Seriously, take a look at all these people telling you to not judge this girl, and then in the same breath turn around and start judging you for having your own criteria for what you want in women.

You made a mistake posting on here in the first place. You made a mistake undermining your own judgement. It does not matter if it is wrong to feel this way about the girl in question, all that matters is that you do feel this way, and since you feel this way, you have absolutely no need to justify feeling the way you do to others.

If you feel that it is a problem, then it is a problem.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by m18pak

make up your own mind on whether you want to be with this girl.

Agreed!

Listen, it does not matter if your standards for prospective partners are right or not. They are your standards. You are entitled to want what you want. You decide what you like and don't like.

Well said. I'd even go as far as to say that you can't really set "wrong" standards for yourself. So you only want date blue skinned aliens from Pluto - that's fine, just as long as you understand that you may have a bit of a hard timing finding a date.

Seriously, take a look at all these people telling you to not judge this girl, and then in the same breath turn around and start judging you for having your own criteria for what you want in women.

That's not really how I read the comments in this thread.

You made a mistake posting on here in the first place.

Strongly disagree here. It is always smart to ask for advice. It is good to have the information. And if you still stand by your decision, even after having heard all the advice that goes against it, then you'll be absolutely certain that you have made the right decision for you. That's pretty powerful.

[Brutha]

You made a mistake posting on here in the first place. You made a mistake undermining your own judgement. It does not matter if it is wrong to feel this way about the girl in question, all that matters is that you do feel this way, and since you feel this way, you have absolutely no need to justify feeling the way you do to others.

Why do you think it is a mistake? How do you know that this aren't the answers he wanted to hear?
It was pretty predictible to get those kind of answers.

This is a forum, where you get as answer when you ask: "How should I deal with XYZ":
Take responsibility for your life.

You won't get the answer:
"You are right other people are responsible for XYZ, you poor victim."

[Peleke4]

Once again, I appreciate the feedback and look forward to more regarding this...

This girl and I have been hanging out lately. Recently, she revealed something about her past that shocked me, literally. Now, I didn't even ask her, she just told me. I just couldn't believe that she would do such a thing. Because I played it cool, she's probably under the impression I didn't think much of it. But that's not the case. Now I want to point out that I'm no prude. I like it dirty, rough, and kinky. But we all have our own personal standards and I feel she crossed the line big-time.

From the start, there were already a bunch of red flags. I only pointed out her promiscuous past because that's what bugged me most. I knew that getting involved with this girl wouldn't be in my best interests. Even my best friend and others close to me advised to keep my distance. Despite that, I continued hanging out with her because I was drawn to her. It's just like how a good girl is drawn to a bad boy. Even though there could be a dozen red flags hovering so cleary, the good girl overlooks all that and her emotions guide her instead. This girl's charm and beauty screwed my ability to think rationally.

What she revealed to me has been on my mind since and I'm disappointed and somewhat angry. I feel like fronting her about it, but I realize I'm in no position to do that. I didn't know her when that **** happened in her life. Who am I to judge? This is definitely the straw that broke the camel's back though. It's over between us. I have my own personal standards and I will not be with a girl like this. And here's where I would appreciate some feedback...

This girl has been suffering from depression for years. She has deeply rooted emotional issues. Since we've met, she's broken out of that. She tells me that because of me, she's been able to experience happiness she's never felt for over a decade. This sucks. I want to end it, but at the same time I don't want to kill her happiness. I plan to simply tell her something along the lines, "I was drawn to you at first; but I realize now that I don't have those kinds of feelings for you." But this would be sugarcoating the main reason why I'm ending it. I feel it's best not to even bring up what she revealed to me, despite the fact that this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I won't even talk to my friends about this because what she revealed to me is that deep. And that's why I'm posting here. To get an outsider's view on this. Thanks for reading

[Angela]

You're ANGRY!?! Because her past behavior doesn't measure up to your personal standards? You might want to examine that. Not wanting to be with a person because her behavior and values don't match yours is one thing -- but being angry indicates you have opinions of what she SHOULD be or do. That has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. If you don't resolve this, you're going to carry all your shoulds with you into your next relationship and the next, and you're never going to be happy and satisfied because no one is going to comply with all of your shoulds -- quite the contrary, people rebel against shoulds.

As far as breaking it off, the only honorable thing to do is be straight with her. None of this namby-pamby "I don't have feelings for you." Tell her the truth: what she has done violates your principals of acceptable behavior, and you don't think your values are a good match for a loving, mutually beneficial relationship. Her happiness/depression is not your responsibility, and you won't be contributing anything positive to her life by remaining it just to avoid feeling guilty. End it now, and end it honestly.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Peleke4

I plan to simply tell her something along the lines, "I was drawn to you at first; but I realize now that I don't have those kinds of feelings for you."

At this point, the reasons are relatively immaterial. The crux of the issue is that you're going to break up with her and want to find a way to do it that causes the least amount of damage.

The good news is that it's basic, stuff, actually, something that happens every day.

The bad news is that no matter how you phrase it, how gentle or direct you are, how sweet or apologetic you are about it, she's gonna get upset. Her depression is, alas, her problem. You're not her therapist, you're not her husband, you're not her partner, and it's not up to you to fix her.

My opinion, FWIW, is to be as clear and direct about this as possible, but you do NOT have to give her reasons. You're under no obligation to say, "After I found out about such-and-such, that pretty much soured me on a relationship with you" or any such thing.

You might try something like, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I can't continue to see you. My reasons are my own, and my decision is final." End the discussion right there.

She'll probably get upset but further explanation will only make the situation worse. She'll likely ask "Why?" through a Niagara of tears and/or anger, but keep to your mantra: "I can't continue to see you. My reasons are my own, and my decision is final."

Good luck, my friend.

[Angela]

p.s. what on earth did she do? you big tease.