A dilemma (maybe a dumb one)

[Christian223]

I was thinking last night about this, and i wanted to share it with you to see what you think, i think that maybe its a dumb dilemma, but i want to know your opinions.

You see, at the moment i have no girlfriend, and i was thinking, that what i want is someone who loves me, that means i want someone who loves the things i dont like, that is, if my girlfriend meets me at the moments of my life where i have many things of myself that i hate (things that i am working to change), and in that moment she loves me, that means that she will love what i hate, how could i love someone who loves what i hate?.

[NotesMaeve]

Tell your future girl about how you are changing and growing as a person, then she can evaluate whether or not you're the sort of person she wants.

[Angela]

Well, I think you're on to something. If you indulge in hating something about yourself, and along comes a great woman for you, your self-hatred will be a part of the relationship.

She might not love the quality you have that you hate, and she might not love the qualities you love about yourself, either! It's not important for your lover to adore every quality you have. She will either love you or not love you, regardless of how much she loves or hates any individual quality you have.

The problem is you. If you hate something about yourself, you're likely to punish her for loving that hated quality or resent her for hating it, too. Or maybe she won't notice that quality or will be indifferent to it -- in which case you'll still be hateful: "How can she not notice or not care that I'm _______?!? There must be something wrong with her". In other words, it will be easy for you to take your hatred for yourself and project it on to her.

Before you go courting a woman, maybe you would be wise to court the parts of yourself that you are on bad terms with. Fall in love with those qualities, or let them go, but do yourself and your future darling sweetheart a favor and don't bring self-loathing into your relationship. Clean up your relationship with yourself. That would be a huge gift you could give her before you even meet her.

[Angela]

by the way, there are no dumb dilemmas; only dumb people .

[Christian223]

Thanks for the comments, and i find the comment by Angela to be so important, it should be a sticky , i just find it awesome, because how many times it happens?, its a very common thing, and i feel it very close to me because it happens in my family, and the virus has been paced to me, but i have been sincerely worried by it, to not bring self-loathing into a relationship, please someone sticky this post
And another funny face for you second comment

[Michael Chui]

There does exist such a thing as "falling out of love". You've effectively described it.

A counterpoint: why can't she grow, too?