So tomorrow I start back to school

[tefaroko]

I'm 22, and tomorrow I officially begin my college career. It's been nearly 13 years since I've set foot in a classroom.

(Sorry, I'm actually just going to vent a bit here, but of course any and all responses are encouraged and appreciated)

I have some self-worth issues, no doubt. On top of that I have an overactive imagination, and thus have created a laundry-list of the ways tomorrow can go wrong. I'm actually embarrassed to mention most of them, because they're so ridiculous.

In addition to that, I have this nagging fear of becoming ill during a class. I've had this fear as long as I can remember (not the during class part, just in general). I hate being confined in any kind of space where I will be unable to leave without drawing attention to myself. Examples being in a car where I'm not the driver, or in a church where I'm not sitting on the end.

I realize that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worry about the situation, get myself nervous, and then in turn actually do get sick. Then my worrying switches focus from the situation to the feeling in my stomach. I can stave it off for small periods of time, but unfortunately it almost always grabs a hold of me eventually.

My first class is 4 hours, which seems unbelievably excessing (haha). I'm not even sure I'm physically capable of sitting for 4 hours. The only upside is its an 8 am class, so I'll only have the 45 minute ride to the school to worry.

I'm my own worst enemy. I've become incredibly adept at hiding my nervousness, and thus, anyone who might show me a little sympathy, doesn't. I come off as confident, I've literally practiced the way I walk, facial expressions, everything is honed to convey an image of confidence. This was all part of my fake-it-til-you-make-it theory implementation. Doesn't seem to be working.

Ironically, I do stand up comedy on the side. What I have found to be slightly helpful, though not in really intense worry-situations, is to pretend I'm in the situation I'm in....for material. (Warning: Crazy talk time) Almost like I'm on a TV show, and I'm just supposed to make quips and be funny. It relieves the pressure a bit. I guess its almost a variation of the picture-them-in-their-underwear thing.

I've actually been incredibly sheltered, and am amazed that I was as capable as I was to get this far. Essentially a week ago I decided I wanted to go to school, and that was it. I drove to the college, I asked what I had to do. They said take an Accuplacer exam, so I said great, can I take it now? They let me.

I got perfect scores on the reading, sentence structure and arithmetic (or whatever the subjects are), and semi-bombed the algebra. I was expecting that though, all the algebra knowledge I have is self-taught, and to be honest I could have done with a better teacher. So anyway. After the test I asked the proctor what I should do next, she said come back the next day and make an appointment with a counselor. I said great.

And went and made an appointment with a counselor right then. Unfortunately I had to wait until last Friday to see him. He gave me my grades, told me there was "no way" I would be able to get in to any classes right now, because it was so close to the start of the semester. Just for kicks, he did a search anyway. Turned out there was 1 opening in every class I needed for a first-year Political Science major. Score.

I went down to the desk, not realizing I should have done the financial aid stuff beforehand, and was handed a $3k bill. I went to where I was supposed to "checkout" and told the woman I didn't have the money, I only had $100. She accepted it as paid-in-full, and told me that it would take a while for them to realize their mistake. In the mean time I could apply for the financial aid and have that completed before the bill gets sent. Score.

Now, I wish I was not an Atheist. Because, if there is a higher-power he undoubtedly assisted me with all this. And if so, its hard to imagine he has a massive failure in store for me, after doing all that work to get me in.

So anyway. Replies welcomed. Encouraging words welcomed, hah.

[Zukin]

Originally Posted by tefaroko

On top of that I have an overactive imagination, and thus have created a laundry-list of the ways tomorrow can go wrong.

It may help to create a list of everything that can go right tomorrow.

I hated college at first because I focused on the things I didn't like about it. Then, I focused on all the things I liked about it and had more fun and learned more.

[ExploringTheMatrix]

Originally Posted by tefaroko

Now, I wish I was not an Atheist. Because, if there is a higher-power he undoubtedly assisted me with all this. And if so, its hard to imagine he has a massive failure in store for me, after doing all that work to get me in.

So anyway. Replies welcomed. Encouraging words welcomed, hah.

No need to look for a higher power, it's you! Unless of course you want to pray to yourself The nice thing about Subjective Reality is that you don't have to put those failures there for yourself. And if something bad does happen, you can get rid of it.

Sounds like the Law of Attraction has been working for you in both positive and negative ways. Making things messy when you start doubting yourself. But the moment you made that decision, everything started to go right. So keep making the decisions that put you on the path you want to be on.