This is where my story is now.. please help

[striving4peace]

Hey all,

I found this forum, and I think it's filled with intelligent people, who might give me a really good opinion and feedback about what I'm going to talk / ask about.

Honestly, I'm writing this now because I'm at a low point, but I'm not always this low - in fact I'm usually very positive and optimistic, but I don't have anyone to really depend on for emotional support.

The focal point of concern is that I'm a 27 year old male virgin. But before some of you tell me about where I can find the PUA university, hear me out. It's not so much about consolation, but advice on what to do next that I need help on.

I think I've had a great life, other than the no-sex part. I grew up a nerd, and became a alcoholic in college, but after college I straightened out, got a great career, even had a spiritual and personal development awakening. I live a clean life now, and i'm still having a great life filled with friends, fun, laughter. I'm still a geek but I'm proud of it - I obsess over my passions like anime and martial arts, I still live at home (as is common with people from my country) but I have a great relationship with family.

However in the past, due to a combination of my physical insecurities (I have always been overweight and made fun of for it) and my parent's tight leash and passing on of conservative values, going for a girlfriend was always difficult. It didn't help that the male-to-female ratio wherever I was was really bad, and almost all the girls I met were borderline-psycho. I've never been into having a relationship to waste time, emotions and effort. It was always the long-term that I had in sight.

Anyways, now my folks are trying to get me into an arranged marraige with someone they can find from my own community and religion. I'm agreeable to that, simply because I have no options of my own. I haven't found anyone with whom I wanted to be with, despite the social networking I did here. My parents are open to me finding someone, provided she is from the same religion as mine, and her family's compatible, etc etc. But I know (and they've told me this at times) that they wouldn't be as comfortable with people with different value systems than ours.

I do want to get married and settle down (I know in the states,you can do so anytime, but where I'm from, it's sort of been imbibed in me that it's the right time for me to get married and work on building a foundation before we have kids) but the arranged marraige candidate hunt isn't working so well either. I'm using the Law of Attraction to manifest the perfect girl for me, but it's times like these when I have the negative thoughts I shouldn't be able to afford.

Another thing is the conflict of belief systems. I've been brought up as a mish-mash of western and eastern values - learnt from friends/peers/family/religion. On one hand I do believe premarital sex isn't something we should really be indulging in, and on the other it's hard on a few days to reconcile with the fact that my peers have had a decade more of sex than I have. What really bums me out is when I talk to people whose world and self worth revolves around it - because I'm not quite the achiever in thier world. Usually I stay away from these types, but it's not always possible.

Anyways, what should I do? continue with the arranged marraige search? Or start again hunting myself for some relationship (I don't think girls out there are looking for serious stuff to start with, and though I can go ahead, it's difficult knowing that I'm going in with a slight handicap i.e. my past or lack thereof)

[JimOfferman]

First of all, you shouldn't fret over your peers having had more sex than you. It's admirable that you stuck to your value of avoiding premarital sex. Being a man who sticks to his cause is ultimately more valuable than bragging rights about the number of chicks you banged before settling down...

The idea of an arranged marriage is completely alien to me. I firmly believe that there is only one person in this world qualified to find me a partner and that is little old me. Still, if you are comfortable with an arranged marriage, I see no reason why you shouldn't pursue it. Again, this is about you and your values - not what others may think.

[Fullcrum]

What do you really want? Like really, if you could have anything, without the fear you're obviously experiencing: Do you want to bang girls every night? If you do, then persue that course...vigorously. Go out a set number of times a week and talk to a set number of girls, at least in the beginning. And be a closer.

If you don't want that, totally cool. But what do you want? Admit it to yourself, don't just settle. I get that "I'm settling for less," tone from your post.

[striving4peace]

@Jim:
Thanks for the feedback

@Fullcrum
Well, banging a new girl every night isn't what i wanna do, I'm very sure of that. I've always been sort of the romantic, long-term relationship wanting type. I've admitted that to myself a long time ago - I had that choice to make and I made it. Still believe that choice was right for me.

However the long-term relationship never happened. To this day, even after I econsider and analyse I can say that I never met anyone who I really wanted to have that relationship with. I don't think I was looking for "the one", I knew it would take time and effort to even know if someone was right for me. However maybe because of the circumstances of the journey of my life, I didn't meet enough of the kinf od people who I would have liked to been with.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

I didn't meet enough of the kinf od people who I would have liked to been with.

Easy! Just meet more people then!

I would also say that you shouldn't (just) try to find individuals, but rather groups of people you like to spend time with - i.e. a football team, a chess club, a theater company, etc. Such groups tend to have interactions with other groups of like minded people, which means excellent oppertunities for you to find someone special among all their ranks.

And do keep your eyes open at all times - you don't want to miss her when she is suddenly standing right in front of you!

Good luck,
Jim.

[striving4peace]

hehe, it's a good solution

but I have worked on my social networking a lot, made tonnes of friends through them so it hasn't been entirely fruitless. However I live in a country where I'm not native, and I'd really like to be with someone from my country for compatibility reasons. And though other people from my country exist here, it's not so easy to break into their groups.

But it's still a valid suggestion, a strategy I should reconsider investing time and effort again. thanks

[Guardian Angel]

Hi, striving4peace! just want to share something about marriage, I read this quote before I got married, and I followed it..."DON'T MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITH, MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT! oh, btw, I had my first sex when I was 30...with my wife! and I am proud of it!!!
PS. I am about to launch my second blog, it's about marriage, so hope you'll see it b4 you get married...with the wrong girl...

[striving4peace]

@ guardian angel
I think you meant to say "someone you can't live without"? Makes sense, but you can grow attached to someone, and then drift apart from them. The level of attraction you have to them is just the intensity of the passionate love for them.
But I am so glad to hear people going all the way and being proud of it, instead of regretting. I'm so happy for you and wish you all the best

@richie
Thanks for the advice, and I'm the type who lives and let lives. But I think your stance on premarital sex is a little more liberal than mine, so while I think what you'e doing is ok for you to do without much deliberation, it's not the same case for me. But thanks for the advice, all the best.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

Honestly, I'm writing this now because I'm at a low point, but I'm not always this low - in fact I'm usually very positive and optimistic, but I don't have anyone to really depend on for emotional support.

The focal point of concern is that I'm a 27 year old male virgin. But before some of you tell me about where I can find the PUA university, hear me out. It's not so much about consolation, but advice on what to do next that I need help on.

So you want the woman you'll marry? Or you want to find her?

I think I've had a great life, other than the no-sex part. I grew up a nerd, and became a alcoholic in college, but after college I straightened out, got a great career, even had a spiritual and personal development awakening. I live a clean life now, and i'm still having a great life filled with friends, fun, laughter. I'm still a geek but I'm proud of it - I obsess over my passions like anime and martial arts, I still live at home (as is common with people from my country) but I have a great relationship with family.

Doesn't sound like anything needs to change!

However in the past, due to a combination of my physical insecurities (I have always been overweight and made fun of for it) and my parent's tight leash and passing on of conservative values, going for a girlfriend was always difficult. It didn't help that the male-to-female ratio wherever I was was really bad, and almost all the girls I met were borderline-psycho. I've never been into having a relationship to waste time, emotions and effort. It was always the long-term that I had in sight.

I think losing the weight is a good start. Also, since when does a tight lease = good relations?

Anyways, now my folks are trying to get me into an arranged marraige with someone they can find from my own community and religion. I'm agreeable to that, simply because I have no options of my own. I haven't found anyone with whom I wanted to be with, despite the social networking I did here. My parents are open to me finding someone, provided she is from the same religion as mine, and her family's compatible, etc etc. But I know (and they've told me this at times) that they wouldn't be as comfortable with people with different value systems than ours.

Is this girl someone you really care for? Is she someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to meet other women?

Another thing is the conflict of belief systems. I've been brought up as a mish-mash of western and eastern values - learnt from friends/peers/family/religion. On one hand I do believe premarital sex isn't something we should really be indulging in, and on the other it's hard on a few days to reconcile with the fact that my peers have had a decade more of sex than I have. What really bums me out is when I talk to people whose world and self worth revolves around it - because I'm not quite the achiever in thier world. Usually I stay away from these types, but it's not always possible.

Anyways, what should I do? continue with the arranged marraige search? Or start again hunting myself for some relationship (I don't think girls out there are looking for serious stuff to start with, and though I can go ahead, it's difficult knowing that I'm going in with a slight handicap i.e. my past or lack thereof)

What would you do in a consequence free environment?

[striving4peace]

I think the post was a bit misleading - there is no specific girl in the picture yet. We're still looking for potential candidates. For me, its just another way to meet girls, where it's understood what the purpose is.

And about the tight leash - its a little painful how ironic it is. While growing up, my parents were quite strict. But now they actually admit it may have been a bit too harsh of them, I think they may have mellowed after these years and also after seeing how other families and society have evolved and become a little more liberal in today's age in our country. But I still think they did the best they could as parents.

[Guardian Angel]

Hi, striving! I stand corrected, it's a mistake of the pen. Anyways, yes, you can stay away from anybody if you like, and sex is not a condition for staying or leaving. Just to remind you, marriage is a commitment although it may be easy for some countries to divorce, it is not an excuse! you must think many times before jumping in...thanks!

[striving4peace]

Update:

I'm now a 28 year old virgin, on my way to becoming 29 soon.
I've managed a tonne of progress and the circumstances are changing, and so I thought I'd update and ask for opinions and advice.

The last year has been very interesting for me. I reflected long on my past, analysed patterns, studied my personality as it evolved through the years to get answers on why and how I became the person I am today. I could list all the insecurities I had, deconstructed the beliefs that arose because of them and managed to overcome the insecurities (of my weight and body issues, of comparitively living a life with a lot less 'fun' than my peers, and a couple of others )

The last month alone has been even more interesting in terms of personal development.
I've discovered the teachings of Eckhart Tolle's the power of now and it really helped me achieve peace to an extent.

On the outside it has also been interesting - I've been working long and hard, increasing intensity and discipline, and being creative at coming with solutions - all for chasing and achieving the goals I'd set for myself - including getting a lot fitter.

One of the goals of course being - meeting someone I could fall in love with, marry, and lose my virginity to and have loads of hot sex (and not all in that same order :P )
I tried to meet new people, which I did - asked few of them out - got rejected, or it just couldn't work out (cos unknown to me they weren't single - 60%, or they preferred me to be of the same religion as them - 20%, or some other miscellaneous reason - 20%)

My parents are still trying to introduce me to girls through matrimonial sites and so far it hasn't gone too well cos most of the girls are from villages and haven't really been on the same wavelegnth as me, but I do meet a new single girl once in a while, who I try for.

My question is this: Now that I've overcome my insecurities, it's given me some new found freedom. when I pondered over my moral standpoint on having sex, it was always to have it with someone I care for. However a really good friend (who doesn't really have morals about sex - who'se done pretty much anything and everything) suggests I go on a spree of one night stands just to get better at sex, to lose the stigma, to build self esteem - and to mainly improve my quality of life by getting laid frequently.

But I don't want to do that because it was part of my morals and values to share sex with someone I care about. the thing I can't seem to put my finger on is -is this 'virgin thinking'? Will I regret it later? Should I push past the moral that may have risen because I wanted someone who could accpet the many 'flaws' my insecurities were based on? Am I being or have I been stupid?

Many other friends have told me waiting for the right one is worth waiting for. But this is only if I find the right girl. right now I'm finally past the point where I wouldn't budge on the premarital aspect, but at least the girl should be someone I care about.

But as I approach 30 soon, I'm really beginning to wonder if and when it'll happen. I really don't want to end up a 30 year old virgin, but at the same time I don't want to compromise on everything and lose it to a one night stand before ending up in a sexless dull marraige to a girl who is not on the same wavelength as I.

Views? Opinions?

[striving4peace]

After writing this post, I kept thinking. I guess I should also mention - it's possible I'm trying to win the approval of this friend who is a girl I started getting feelings for. She's not single, but she's cheated before. My secret hope for a while was not that she'd cheat on her boyfriend with me, but that she'd break up with him one day and be with me. She made it clear recently in a hypothetical discussion that that won't happen because of religious differences, but we've connected much more to each other than either of us has ever connected to any other person in our life till now.

I'm just saying it's a possibility that I'd do this so she'd see it as easier to be with me. It might also be a possibility she's suggesting I do this so that she could identify with me even more - she carries the burden of her past alone, and it might be possible that me getting my own past would make us a lot more alike. When he had first met she and I flirted, and she hinted at having sex with me and cheating on her boyfriend, but back then I was too wrapped up in the no-premarital-sex aspect.

Now that I write all this, it also occurs to me that it's not just the understanding and overcoming of my own insecurities that's causing me to put pressure on my morals - but wanting to be with this girl.

A similar situation has happened before, but with that girl, I knew I could never be with her. With this one, I guess in the back of my head the yearning for intimacy ...and hot sex (i'm not going to deny I want it) seems to be fixating on her - causing me to really radically change and in short - think with my p*nis.

Sorry if i'm just spilling my thought process out loud, but in this new found freedom and wierd circumstances, I'm a little lost and need a little guidance or advice.

I am also rediscovering my spirituality. And I am not scared to admit now that my belief in God had really been shaken because I kept waiting and the person I thought I'd end up with never turned up. I guess a lot of people just told me "it'll happen, just believe", and it didnt. I know now I had to "make it happen", but to be honest I did try over the years. I did ask out girls I liked. I even pursued through several no's hoping to turn it into a yes without being creepy (some of those girls are my friends now - some even after getting married)

They say whatver happens, happens for the best - so I guess God / destiny meant for me to be a 28 year old virgin being tested. But does God intend for me to find the right girl for me soon? And if he doesn't can't I at least have my fun? There are others who had thier fun and still ended up with the right girl. Was it their karma? Luck? Or did they make thier luck and succeed. And more importantly what should I do?

In the language of the power of now, I am just trying to make a better decision so my "now" one day includes intimacy and great sex - at least that's how I see it.


I guess if I had to ask only one question it would be:
Which decision should I take that would be congruent with Steve's "Seeking Truth,Love and power"?

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

suggests I go on a spree of one night stands just to get better at sex, to lose the stigma, to build self esteem - and to mainly improve my quality of life by getting laid frequently.

Lose the stigma? What are we talking about here, leprosy?

From my pov I can only tell you this much. I'm like in my thirties. If I was into a guy and he told me he'd never had sex with anyone before, I'd think it the most romantic thing ever. I'd just totally love it, I really would. But that's looking through the eyes of love.

All this talk about one night stands to get better at sex and losing stigmas isn't looking through the eyes of love. You are perfectly okay and totally lovable the way you are right now. I even feel like scoffing at the notion that you need to slim and work out to be able to find the love and intimacy you're looking for and deserve.

Most likely in terms of LoA this seeing yourself handicapped in some way is the inner block which keeps the very intimacy you yearn for out of your reach this very moment.

There's a girl out there (maybe even right in front of your nose) right now who wants to be with you and loves you just the way you are, to whom all you are is just right, and whom you love just as much. Focus your imagination and energy on being happily together with that girl. And if it fuels your enthusiasm, having the hottest sex imaginable with her.