This is where my story is now.. please help

[striving4peace]

Hey all,

I found this forum, and I think it's filled with intelligent people, who might give me a really good opinion and feedback about what I'm going to talk / ask about.

Honestly, I'm writing this now because I'm at a low point, but I'm not always this low - in fact I'm usually very positive and optimistic, but I don't have anyone to really depend on for emotional support.

The focal point of concern is that I'm a 27 year old male virgin. But before some of you tell me about where I can find the PUA university, hear me out. It's not so much about consolation, but advice on what to do next that I need help on.

I think I've had a great life, other than the no-sex part. I grew up a nerd, and became a alcoholic in college, but after college I straightened out, got a great career, even had a spiritual and personal development awakening. I live a clean life now, and i'm still having a great life filled with friends, fun, laughter. I'm still a geek but I'm proud of it - I obsess over my passions like anime and martial arts, I still live at home (as is common with people from my country) but I have a great relationship with family.

However in the past, due to a combination of my physical insecurities (I have always been overweight and made fun of for it) and my parent's tight leash and passing on of conservative values, going for a girlfriend was always difficult. It didn't help that the male-to-female ratio wherever I was was really bad, and almost all the girls I met were borderline-psycho. I've never been into having a relationship to waste time, emotions and effort. It was always the long-term that I had in sight.

Anyways, now my folks are trying to get me into an arranged marraige with someone they can find from my own community and religion. I'm agreeable to that, simply because I have no options of my own. I haven't found anyone with whom I wanted to be with, despite the social networking I did here. My parents are open to me finding someone, provided she is from the same religion as mine, and her family's compatible, etc etc. But I know (and they've told me this at times) that they wouldn't be as comfortable with people with different value systems than ours.

I do want to get married and settle down (I know in the states,you can do so anytime, but where I'm from, it's sort of been imbibed in me that it's the right time for me to get married and work on building a foundation before we have kids) but the arranged marraige candidate hunt isn't working so well either. I'm using the Law of Attraction to manifest the perfect girl for me, but it's times like these when I have the negative thoughts I shouldn't be able to afford.

Another thing is the conflict of belief systems. I've been brought up as a mish-mash of western and eastern values - learnt from friends/peers/family/religion. On one hand I do believe premarital sex isn't something we should really be indulging in, and on the other it's hard on a few days to reconcile with the fact that my peers have had a decade more of sex than I have. What really bums me out is when I talk to people whose world and self worth revolves around it - because I'm not quite the achiever in thier world. Usually I stay away from these types, but it's not always possible.

Anyways, what should I do? continue with the arranged marraige search? Or start again hunting myself for some relationship (I don't think girls out there are looking for serious stuff to start with, and though I can go ahead, it's difficult knowing that I'm going in with a slight handicap i.e. my past or lack thereof)

[JimOfferman]

First of all, you shouldn't fret over your peers having had more sex than you. It's admirable that you stuck to your value of avoiding premarital sex. Being a man who sticks to his cause is ultimately more valuable than bragging rights about the number of chicks you banged before settling down...

The idea of an arranged marriage is completely alien to me. I firmly believe that there is only one person in this world qualified to find me a partner and that is little old me. Still, if you are comfortable with an arranged marriage, I see no reason why you shouldn't pursue it. Again, this is about you and your values - not what others may think.

[Fullcrum]

What do you really want? Like really, if you could have anything, without the fear you're obviously experiencing: Do you want to bang girls every night? If you do, then persue that course...vigorously. Go out a set number of times a week and talk to a set number of girls, at least in the beginning. And be a closer.

If you don't want that, totally cool. But what do you want? Admit it to yourself, don't just settle. I get that "I'm settling for less," tone from your post.

[striving4peace]

@Jim:
Thanks for the feedback

@Fullcrum
Well, banging a new girl every night isn't what i wanna do, I'm very sure of that. I've always been sort of the romantic, long-term relationship wanting type. I've admitted that to myself a long time ago - I had that choice to make and I made it. Still believe that choice was right for me.

However the long-term relationship never happened. To this day, even after I econsider and analyse I can say that I never met anyone who I really wanted to have that relationship with. I don't think I was looking for "the one", I knew it would take time and effort to even know if someone was right for me. However maybe because of the circumstances of the journey of my life, I didn't meet enough of the kinf od people who I would have liked to been with.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

I didn't meet enough of the kinf od people who I would have liked to been with.

Easy! Just meet more people then!

I would also say that you shouldn't (just) try to find individuals, but rather groups of people you like to spend time with - i.e. a football team, a chess club, a theater company, etc. Such groups tend to have interactions with other groups of like minded people, which means excellent oppertunities for you to find someone special among all their ranks.

And do keep your eyes open at all times - you don't want to miss her when she is suddenly standing right in front of you!

Good luck,
Jim.

[striving4peace]

hehe, it's a good solution

but I have worked on my social networking a lot, made tonnes of friends through them so it hasn't been entirely fruitless. However I live in a country where I'm not native, and I'd really like to be with someone from my country for compatibility reasons. And though other people from my country exist here, it's not so easy to break into their groups.

But it's still a valid suggestion, a strategy I should reconsider investing time and effort again. thanks

[richie]

Hi, I am from a similar background as you are but a bit younger at 19 and will try to give you some insight.
We geeks have a tendency of being too much with our work and financial stuff that we tend to loose some of the social contact. Though you might have lot of friends, there weren't much girls in that if i am right.
I had such a problem and I started making girl friends like crazy, Had loads of problem earlier but later had a lot of sex. That gave me some confidence on the girls side of things and Now when I think that I have found someone I can live for a life, I am going to ask her for a date and luckily has good amount of confidence and experience because of my earlier flings.
So just go out and have lods of girl friends and sex, so you know what's best for you.
Most of my cousins are arranged marriage and I can tell you its the most stupid way of getting a life partner. It's like praying you get a good boat (partner) for the journey of Ocean (life). Don't go for arrange marriage, Go for the love marriage.
There's nothing better than living with a partner you love rather than loving the partner you live with - By Richie
Go out and have a bang!

[Guardian Angel]

Hi, striving4peace! just want to share something about marriage, I read this quote before I got married, and I followed it..."DON'T MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITH, MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT! oh, btw, I had my first sex when I was 30...with my wife! and I am proud of it!!!
PS. I am about to launch my second blog, it's about marriage, so hope you'll see it b4 you get married...with the wrong girl...

[striving4peace]

@ guardian angel
I think you meant to say "someone you can't live without"? Makes sense, but you can grow attached to someone, and then drift apart from them. The level of attraction you have to them is just the intensity of the passionate love for them.
But I am so glad to hear people going all the way and being proud of it, instead of regretting. I'm so happy for you and wish you all the best

@richie
Thanks for the advice, and I'm the type who lives and let lives. But I think your stance on premarital sex is a little more liberal than mine, so while I think what you'e doing is ok for you to do without much deliberation, it's not the same case for me. But thanks for the advice, all the best.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

Honestly, I'm writing this now because I'm at a low point, but I'm not always this low - in fact I'm usually very positive and optimistic, but I don't have anyone to really depend on for emotional support.

The focal point of concern is that I'm a 27 year old male virgin. But before some of you tell me about where I can find the PUA university, hear me out. It's not so much about consolation, but advice on what to do next that I need help on.

So you want the woman you'll marry? Or you want to find her?

I think I've had a great life, other than the no-sex part. I grew up a nerd, and became a alcoholic in college, but after college I straightened out, got a great career, even had a spiritual and personal development awakening. I live a clean life now, and i'm still having a great life filled with friends, fun, laughter. I'm still a geek but I'm proud of it - I obsess over my passions like anime and martial arts, I still live at home (as is common with people from my country) but I have a great relationship with family.

Doesn't sound like anything needs to change!

However in the past, due to a combination of my physical insecurities (I have always been overweight and made fun of for it) and my parent's tight leash and passing on of conservative values, going for a girlfriend was always difficult. It didn't help that the male-to-female ratio wherever I was was really bad, and almost all the girls I met were borderline-psycho. I've never been into having a relationship to waste time, emotions and effort. It was always the long-term that I had in sight.

I think losing the weight is a good start. Also, since when does a tight lease = good relations?

Anyways, now my folks are trying to get me into an arranged marraige with someone they can find from my own community and religion. I'm agreeable to that, simply because I have no options of my own. I haven't found anyone with whom I wanted to be with, despite the social networking I did here. My parents are open to me finding someone, provided she is from the same religion as mine, and her family's compatible, etc etc. But I know (and they've told me this at times) that they wouldn't be as comfortable with people with different value systems than ours.

Is this girl someone you really care for? Is she someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to meet other women?

Another thing is the conflict of belief systems. I've been brought up as a mish-mash of western and eastern values - learnt from friends/peers/family/religion. On one hand I do believe premarital sex isn't something we should really be indulging in, and on the other it's hard on a few days to reconcile with the fact that my peers have had a decade more of sex than I have. What really bums me out is when I talk to people whose world and self worth revolves around it - because I'm not quite the achiever in thier world. Usually I stay away from these types, but it's not always possible.

Anyways, what should I do? continue with the arranged marraige search? Or start again hunting myself for some relationship (I don't think girls out there are looking for serious stuff to start with, and though I can go ahead, it's difficult knowing that I'm going in with a slight handicap i.e. my past or lack thereof)

What would you do in a consequence free environment?

[striving4peace]

I think the post was a bit misleading - there is no specific girl in the picture yet. We're still looking for potential candidates. For me, its just another way to meet girls, where it's understood what the purpose is.

And about the tight leash - its a little painful how ironic it is. While growing up, my parents were quite strict. But now they actually admit it may have been a bit too harsh of them, I think they may have mellowed after these years and also after seeing how other families and society have evolved and become a little more liberal in today's age in our country. But I still think they did the best they could as parents.

[Guardian Angel]

Hi, striving! I stand corrected, it's a mistake of the pen. Anyways, yes, you can stay away from anybody if you like, and sex is not a condition for staying or leaving. Just to remind you, marriage is a commitment although it may be easy for some countries to divorce, it is not an excuse! you must think many times before jumping in...thanks!

[striving4peace]

Update:

I'm now a 28 year old virgin, on my way to becoming 29 soon.
I've managed a tonne of progress and the circumstances are changing, and so I thought I'd update and ask for opinions and advice.

The last year has been very interesting for me. I reflected long on my past, analysed patterns, studied my personality as it evolved through the years to get answers on why and how I became the person I am today. I could list all the insecurities I had, deconstructed the beliefs that arose because of them and managed to overcome the insecurities (of my weight and body issues, of comparitively living a life with a lot less 'fun' than my peers, and a couple of others )

The last month alone has been even more interesting in terms of personal development.
I've discovered the teachings of Eckhart Tolle's the power of now and it really helped me achieve peace to an extent.

On the outside it has also been interesting - I've been working long and hard, increasing intensity and discipline, and being creative at coming with solutions - all for chasing and achieving the goals I'd set for myself - including getting a lot fitter.

One of the goals of course being - meeting someone I could fall in love with, marry, and lose my virginity to and have loads of hot sex (and not all in that same order :P )
I tried to meet new people, which I did - asked few of them out - got rejected, or it just couldn't work out (cos unknown to me they weren't single - 60%, or they preferred me to be of the same religion as them - 20%, or some other miscellaneous reason - 20%)

My parents are still trying to introduce me to girls through matrimonial sites and so far it hasn't gone too well cos most of the girls are from villages and haven't really been on the same wavelegnth as me, but I do meet a new single girl once in a while, who I try for.

My question is this: Now that I've overcome my insecurities, it's given me some new found freedom. when I pondered over my moral standpoint on having sex, it was always to have it with someone I care for. However a really good friend (who doesn't really have morals about sex - who'se done pretty much anything and everything) suggests I go on a spree of one night stands just to get better at sex, to lose the stigma, to build self esteem - and to mainly improve my quality of life by getting laid frequently.

But I don't want to do that because it was part of my morals and values to share sex with someone I care about. the thing I can't seem to put my finger on is -is this 'virgin thinking'? Will I regret it later? Should I push past the moral that may have risen because I wanted someone who could accpet the many 'flaws' my insecurities were based on? Am I being or have I been stupid?

Many other friends have told me waiting for the right one is worth waiting for. But this is only if I find the right girl. right now I'm finally past the point where I wouldn't budge on the premarital aspect, but at least the girl should be someone I care about.

But as I approach 30 soon, I'm really beginning to wonder if and when it'll happen. I really don't want to end up a 30 year old virgin, but at the same time I don't want to compromise on everything and lose it to a one night stand before ending up in a sexless dull marraige to a girl who is not on the same wavelength as I.

Views? Opinions?

[striving4peace]

After writing this post, I kept thinking. I guess I should also mention - it's possible I'm trying to win the approval of this friend who is a girl I started getting feelings for. She's not single, but she's cheated before. My secret hope for a while was not that she'd cheat on her boyfriend with me, but that she'd break up with him one day and be with me. She made it clear recently in a hypothetical discussion that that won't happen because of religious differences, but we've connected much more to each other than either of us has ever connected to any other person in our life till now.

I'm just saying it's a possibility that I'd do this so she'd see it as easier to be with me. It might also be a possibility she's suggesting I do this so that she could identify with me even more - she carries the burden of her past alone, and it might be possible that me getting my own past would make us a lot more alike. When he had first met she and I flirted, and she hinted at having sex with me and cheating on her boyfriend, but back then I was too wrapped up in the no-premarital-sex aspect.

Now that I write all this, it also occurs to me that it's not just the understanding and overcoming of my own insecurities that's causing me to put pressure on my morals - but wanting to be with this girl.

A similar situation has happened before, but with that girl, I knew I could never be with her. With this one, I guess in the back of my head the yearning for intimacy ...and hot sex (i'm not going to deny I want it) seems to be fixating on her - causing me to really radically change and in short - think with my p*nis.

Sorry if i'm just spilling my thought process out loud, but in this new found freedom and wierd circumstances, I'm a little lost and need a little guidance or advice.

I am also rediscovering my spirituality. And I am not scared to admit now that my belief in God had really been shaken because I kept waiting and the person I thought I'd end up with never turned up. I guess a lot of people just told me "it'll happen, just believe", and it didnt. I know now I had to "make it happen", but to be honest I did try over the years. I did ask out girls I liked. I even pursued through several no's hoping to turn it into a yes without being creepy (some of those girls are my friends now - some even after getting married)

They say whatver happens, happens for the best - so I guess God / destiny meant for me to be a 28 year old virgin being tested. But does God intend for me to find the right girl for me soon? And if he doesn't can't I at least have my fun? There are others who had thier fun and still ended up with the right girl. Was it their karma? Luck? Or did they make thier luck and succeed. And more importantly what should I do?

In the language of the power of now, I am just trying to make a better decision so my "now" one day includes intimacy and great sex - at least that's how I see it.


I guess if I had to ask only one question it would be:
Which decision should I take that would be congruent with Steve's "Seeking Truth,Love and power"?

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

suggests I go on a spree of one night stands just to get better at sex, to lose the stigma, to build self esteem - and to mainly improve my quality of life by getting laid frequently.

Lose the stigma? What are we talking about here, leprosy?

From my pov I can only tell you this much. I'm like in my thirties. If I was into a guy and he told me he'd never had sex with anyone before, I'd think it the most romantic thing ever. I'd just totally love it, I really would. But that's looking through the eyes of love.

All this talk about one night stands to get better at sex and losing stigmas isn't looking through the eyes of love. You are perfectly okay and totally lovable the way you are right now. I even feel like scoffing at the notion that you need to slim and work out to be able to find the love and intimacy you're looking for and deserve.

Most likely in terms of LoA this seeing yourself handicapped in some way is the inner block which keeps the very intimacy you yearn for out of your reach this very moment.

There's a girl out there (maybe even right in front of your nose) right now who wants to be with you and loves you just the way you are, to whom all you are is just right, and whom you love just as much. Focus your imagination and energy on being happily together with that girl. And if it fuels your enthusiasm, having the hottest sex imaginable with her.

[striving4peace]

Thank you Tigerlilly, hugs to you, that's a really warm response

I guess stigma was not the most accurate term. The thing is this friend has known be even before I started working in my insecurities, and so she thought I would also be less burdened by the virginity while suggesting it.

But I'm so, so glad to say that it now feels great to lose that self inflicting pain and I finally see myself as normal and lovable (something I've always had problems with. I didn't think I was even worthy of sex, or love till I was 23 - and even then with someone who could look past the body image I thought everyone else saw as well. It's only now that it's sunk in how everyone else sees / saw me and how I did, and I'm overcoming that body image issue)

But yes, I've stopped focussing on the manifestation. I will pick up where I left of on just that. Thank you

[BenThere]

Hi Striving,

Are you in the US?

In my opinion, you are not asking the most useful question.

I imagine the most useful question would be:
"How much do I want my parents' opinions, expectations and assumptions about my life to determine what I choose?"

The answer will be somewhere between, "I want their opinion to be the most important factor in my life," on the one hand. On the other hand, "I want to choose my own path regardless of their traditional assumptions that they know what is best for me."

If you want them to entirely dictate your life, then ask them to make your plan for your arranged marriage.

If you want you to entirely dictate your life, then make your own choices.

If you want something in between these extremes, then pick the balance between you and your parents.

In my opinion, you're showing a huge conflict between wanting to please their traditional expectations, and also wanting to explore a more individualistic Western appraoch. This conflict has to be resolved before you can make any reasonably satifying plans about marriage or anything else.

[striving4peace]

No, I'm not in the US. I come from a country where arranged marraiges are the norm. I grew up in another country in a town that wasn't very open either.

I hope you don't confuse between arranged and forced marraiges. An arranged marraige is one where I get introduced to the girls through my folks- but the girl, her family is pre-approved by my folks - and usually to thier tastes but not usually mine. But in the end the decision to get married to her is completely mine. though the pressure would be on from my folks side to approve.

[NightSpirit]

I would agree that believing the woman who will be your wife does exist and that she is also looking for you is crucial to being able to see her, even if she is right in front of you.

You say a lot about why you were rejected by women but not as much about the kind of person you are looking for. Your doubts about what woman you are looking for and whether you want her to be within your religion and acceptable to your family, as the other poster said, may be canceling out your LOA work.

If you want just any old woman out there, you will get what you want. The universe will bring you what you ask for, not with your mouth but from within what's in your heart. What a waste and how painful, if some woman accepts you in this confusion and you then decide religion and family is more important than you first thought.

It's best to decide now if her religion important to you. If it is, maybe you should only be looking in your church or place of worship, as well as allowing your parents to be involved. If you decide religion is not especially important to the family you want to build, tell your parents to continue but that you are also looking elsewhere. But going out, asking for dates, with this unsettled in your mind and knowing if you do meet someone, this might hurt your parents may be attracting these rejections.

And if you feel you are not the ideal physique, are you as accepting of women that also may not be the ideal or norm? That internal confusion of not liking yourself or those like you, is bad for attracting what you don't want also.

On the question of your virginity, you are doing great so far. But there seems to be an underlying motivation for wanting sex from hopelessness in your posts. This may be coming from your despair at not knowing who God will bring to you or if He ever will bring anyone. Please go here with me for a moment. If your bride-to-be is in a similar quandary right now, at this moment, wondering whether to just do it with anyone since you will never come, what would you tell her.....to trust God and wait for you or have fun now with the closest warm body?

If you do give in to lust and get that experience, what will you tell your bride? How will you feel if you meet her just a month after your string of affairs; will you start out your marriage in a lie?

I have had sex outside of marriage but I am not sexually involved now for spiritual reasons. I know having sex can feel good and normal. But it can also make you feel dirty and stupid and with the wrong person, sometimes sick in the pit of your stomach. Your buddies won't tell you about these times. I don't know your religion, but there is often an enemy that seeks to hurt us and tempt us out of trusting God.

Something just came to me as a way to focus your intentions on your future wife. Try writing some love letters to your bride now, letters you fully intend to give her later, after you are married, letters about your search for her and of all the things you hope to share with her one day. If you want to take it a step further, buy her gifts now and keep them until you meet her or for your wedding night. Take time to envision and to feel the love now and let that love for her, your wife, keep you until you are together, just as it will keep you after your marriage when you are not physically together.

You may not actually have to do what I suggested. But in examining the emotions that came up at the thought of doing this, you will see what is truly in your heart from a law of attraction standpoint. Do you really believe, in faith, that this IS going to happen, that you two will one day soon stand face to face and say the vows of marriage in front of both your families?

LOA is a state of just asking for our preferences because we trust that God is good and working things for our good...asking, believing, allowing and trusting in detachment. From my experience, in LOA, attracting what we want is all in the allowing and the detachment.

To detach, release the outcome to God and accept, that although you want to get married, if you never get married, that's okay, too. It might also help to detach from the sexual questions since it's related. No matter your age, there is no valid pressure to have sex. You know that you can have sex eventually if you want, when you want, tomorrow if you have the money. But you prefer and are asking and expecting for it to happen naturally with someone you love within a committed relationship.

And you can allow what you ask to come without getting too focused on the search or on the right method of finding a wife. Becoming entangled in finding the right method can create a state of constant searching, disappointment, more searching, etc.

When you trust that what you have asked is indeed coming to you, as surely as rain falls from the sky or an apple falls from a tree, choosing the right method becomes irrelevant. Trust in God, that He heard and is answering, is trusting that she is on a path toward you also and you two are coming together in a beautiful way that only God knows. Every day, you know this might be the day, and if not, you are still one day closer and one day better at being the man you want to be when your paths do come together.

Trust me when I say that marriage to the wrong person for the wrong reasons will bring you right back to where you are now so don't rush it and try to enjoy this time of singleness and freedom. God is not cruel or denying you any good thing and this time too has meaning and a purpose for your good.

[striving4peace]

Thank you nightfly for your reply. It's very well thought of and does hit a lot of chords and points.

Regarding religion, It has always been important to me to not follow religion by the letter of the words written, but question it and only follow it because - as the buddha says - it makes sense to me. (I follow hinduism primarily and am Indian) To me premarital sex was off-limits not just for spiritual reasons, but for the best way to ensure a proper society that has both parents who are mature to raise each baby as opposed to illegitimate children raised by single mothers (this reasoning is actually stated in the holy books) And it made sense. To me also, having someone from my same religion meant that my ties to my family won't be broken or heavily strained when I marry that person. However now when presented with compatible partners from other religions, the temptation is greater to go against the family and obtain what I've been wanting and without for my life so far - a life where I've been completely single during a decade of it that I could have had someone. And some time ago when I had thought about this last while making or verifying life decisions, I was a little more "purist" in my religion.
Yes, there was a bit of hopelessness because I had faith in God and he did not deliver to me what everyone else around me was freely enjoying - and for a while I was disappointed with my faith and not particularily doing anything about it.
However now I'm going through an interesting phase. I'm rekindling my spirituality. I'm more open than ever on my outlook on religion - I'm discovering principles of Buddhism that help me be at peace and still peacefully co-exist with most of my original religious beliefs. I don't derive my identity from my religion anymore - but it still serves as a great belief system and set of guidelines to live by. More importantly, the haze is lifting and I can see why I may have gone through these times - to develop myself, to overcome my insecurities, to reach peace. I can even finally understand how everything that does happen, is no accident and happens for a reason - even my being a virgin today and still being single.

And this brings me to your other stronger point - with my faith shaken because the delivery of that person and relationship into my life despite the faith did not happen when I wanted it, I suppose I did doubt whether there would be a right person for me for a long time. I didn't doubt the existance of God. I just believed that He has his plans and it's not necessarily in everyone's best interest (after all, there are people suffering horrendously and dying) and I'm no exception. But as I said, I am now finally beginning to see how through karmic and through the divine plan concepts, everything still does happen for the best. And based on this I'm still trying to reinforce that renewed belief that there really is someone right out there for me. Actually it is only when I forget or do not believe this...that the idea of escape sounds extremely appealing - through a string of affairs - especially now that I have the new found freedom of overcoming the insecurity of my bad body image and feeling like I was unworthy of love. To be honest, I don't mind waiting some more, the insecurity of being seen as any less of a man, and the fear of stupidly and blindly depriving myself of a better quality of life were hard to overcome. You're absolutely right about the partwhere if after waiting so long, I have a string of affairs - only to meet her a month later - that would be tragic.

Your suggestions of writing love letters to my bride to be are a really good idea. It'll be a great way to refocus and rechannel my LoA efforts and realign what is both in my thoughts and in my heart.

Both you and tigerlily have essentially one thing at the core of your reply - which I was missing. I am not seeing this part of my life through the eyes of love, and was doing so only through the eyes of a selfish, pleasure seeking being. Thank you for correcting and reminding me. I need to keep the faith.

[BenThere]

usually to thier tastes but not usually mine...the pressure would be on from my folks side to approve

So the question remains, what do you choose to believe is a healthy boundary between your own preferences for your own life, and your parents' expectations for your life? And what basis do you use to evaluate the healthiness of a boundary?

Until you answer this question for yourself, it's impossible for anyone else to tell you what to do. If other people tell you to be more independent than you choose to believe in, the advice is wasted. If other people tell you to be more attentive to what your parents want, and you choose to believe in your independence, that advice is also wasted.

You have to answer this question for yourself. It's because you have not answered it that you feel the tension between serving yourself and serving your parents. Other people can give opinions about that balance, but only you can decided what you believe about that balance.

You need to clarify your own values, instead of letting that conflict shake you up inside all the time. Whatever you choose about sex and marriage, the conflict will STILL be present and will keep coming up in your life until you finally make your choice.

[striving4peace]

Yes BenThere, you're right - and I've been aware of this from the start. It's always been my decision and I've always been aware that I'm fully responsible for the life I live.
I needed advice to either open my mind to newer perspectives, or help me remember / identify what it is that I really want to do.

Again, I'd like to point out - that my parents will only give me options - in the form of girls they like. The final choice of whether I go ahead and marry the girl is my own choice - and at this point, pressure or not - I'll still be checking with those girls to see whether I'm attracted to them, and they match my criteria of what I'm looking for of being intelligent, kind and fun (at least similar levels to mine)
I'm fully aware that I'm still the one marrying them, living with them and sharing my life with them - and most of which without my parents being around - so it's important to me that I marry someone who I'm excited about and look forward to marrying.

I think so far the conclusion from my thought process (as you'd have seen from my last few responses) have been that I'll not indulge in the one night stands, and instead wait for a truly compatible life partner. However with her, and only if she's also open to it - I would consider premarital sex, because not only is that comfortable with what I've uncovered or evolved my values to be - but also to discover a show-stopping potential sexual incompatibility problem.

[BenThere]

You're choosing some answers for yourself... I think that will be far more satisfying than just doing what someone else tells you - whether the advice is traditional or modernistic.

wait for a truly compatible life partner

This is still a little vague. On the one hand, you seem to hope that you'll find that person among those your parents suggest for you. On the other hand, you seem to have doubt that they'll actually succeed in finding someone for you. Also, you refer to a compatible partner sharing your religious principles, but then you also refer to someone who is compatible while following a different religion.

I think so far the conclusion from my thought process

This phrase sounds to me like someone who's still riding the circular railroad, rather than happy and peaceful with a solid decision.

I believe it would be helpful to you to clarify exactly what you mean by "truly compatible." What would this person be like, and what would your life be like with this person? I echo the suggestion to write to this person in your mind. I recommend that letter be from the point of an ideal day. "Dear Beloved, Thank you for sharing this ideal day with me..."

I'm trying to win the approval of this friend

That's downright unhealthy... unless your friend is a proven leader in moral, spiritual, and life happiness success, whose wisdom has empowered millions to succeed with joyously loving families. Anyone less than that, and they have no business being the focus of your attention to seek approval. From the beliefs you have described, the only approval you need comes from: 1. God; 2. Your parents, to the extent you want to follow tradition; 3. Your conscience. What is your friend doing anywhere near this list, let alone at the top of it?

[striving4peace]

I think the person I was when I wrote the first post, and even the update is different from the person I am now. I suppose one the reasons I opened this thread was to help get my thoughts out in the open, get some feedback and sanity checks.

Yes. Making my own decisions is much more satisfying. My values may not be exactly the same as they were yesterday, but I consider this evolving to a person who is more true to himself, than living with values that were put there by other people and by my own insecurities - and whether the new values are modern or traditional - at least they are now truly mine.

I believe I could find a life partner from anywhere. The universe will provide me through it's own means, and not necessarily the way I'd imagine it. The fact that I believe it's just unlikely (probability is less) that my folks would manage to find someone who is compatible with me to my satisfaction due to thier prefrences not overlapping with mine - does not completely rule out the possibility that they might strike gold.

What do I mean by truly compatible - I mean someone with whom I connect completely, even if our tastes in somethings or even some of our values are different - and more.

Yes, thought processes tend to be circular and repititive unless you break through unspeakable and possible overlooked fears and insecurities.

And yes, it is unhealthy to win the approval of that friend i referred to - considering she is the exact opposite of what you described - she's not so focussed on values and morals as she is on materialistic and carnal pleasures and living a rather unexaminded life.

Another dear friend suggested a similar approval model to what you did - except she ommitted the parental approval. I'm sure she would agree with you though that parents are important - to the extent that I'm willing to follow thier tradition and values.

Thank you for all the help you have given me. I am sincerely grateful to you all.

[Lauxa]

I can see where an arranged marriage could be nice because you know that both the families already approve of each other. I think sometimes people forget that you are not just marrying a person, you are marrying into a family. When the kids come along, it is nice to have that strong parental support for good relationships with the grandparents, etc. Also, if her family is unstable that can be a drag on the marriage, even if she is a wonderful person.

Also agree with TigerLilly that I think waiting for the right person for sex is very romantic. I am always very suspicious of "players" who have so many partners.