Question for guys; why would my bf treat me this way?

[uberinquisitive]

My bf is in his mid-30's, independent, and a nice guy. I'm in my late 20's, emotional, and a nice girl. We've been together about 4 months.

He tends to compartmentalize his life. I had to really bug him to finally meet some of this friends. I think he's so used to bachelor life and he's pretty set in his ways.

He doesn't change the bedsheets when I come over. I've woken up with huge rashes and even a swollen eye. Yes, he's pretty filthy. And while he apologizes, instead of changing the sheets, he tells me, "I feel uncomfortable when you come to my apartment." This is just one of many small things, where he resists changing to make me more comfortable.

About 3 weeks ago, he was grouchy and rejected me when I tried to hug him. I started crying and drinking, and he became extremely angry at me. He didn't talk to me for a week and told me that he sees me differently now. I, of course, feel ashamed.

Since then, I've tried very hard to be more stable. I'm doing a pretty good job. And now, he doesn't call me. Or text me. Or make any effort to see me. When I do see him, I act happy and don't cause drama.

Part of me thinks that I caused all this distance between us - I've been demanding, intense. And, naturally, he needs some breathing room. He spends a lot of money taking me out, and he skips a lot of jogging sessions.

However, another part of me thinks - but I'm not asking for much! Clean sheets? Being introduced to his friends? Having a 5-minute phone call at the end of each day?

I feel really unhappy, and could use some advice. Thanks in advance.

[Livgivare]

I ave not read the book, but I think you should consider reading it...

Amazon.com: He's Just Not That Into You: Your Daily Wake-up Call: Books: Greg Behrendt,Liz Tuccillo

I think you would at least find something in this book.

My boyfriend hates to change sheets but he does it just for me when I come over. And he keeps his home more clean then I do. And I've been introduced to both family and friends even if he has got not so many friends...

This boyfriend of yours needs a wake-up call I guess. Because if he really cared about you, he would put his act together and make an effort in making you feel good...

my two cents...

Love Leelene

[JimOfferman]

You sure you guys are together? Doesn't really sound like you are to me.

I dunno, but a guy not showing off his hot new girlfriend to his friends, that's a bit weird. I mean, in general, us guys are pretty show-offy when it comes that... if you were my gf, I'd have you on a parade!

Maybe he does love you, but he just doesn't know how to handle you (feisty little woman, you ). Could also be that he has a really hard time letting go of the comforts of his single lifestyle. Hard to tell, without hearing his side of the story...

Which is what I think you should do. Sit him down and talk. Make clear to him what you want and need in a relationship. Also ask him what his wants and needs are. Hopefully, once you better understand each other, you guys can work things out. Or maybe you'll mutually decide that this ain't workin' and it is better for the both of you to move on.

[Zukin]

From what I've noticed, there's three types of guys in the world (I'm making a big generalization here, but the categories seem pretty accurate according to how guys act around women and how women respond to them):

1. nice guy (these guys are doormats and will do anything to please a girl, who ends up not liking them since the girl feels they are being manipulative to earn her affection)
2. jerk (these guys are attractive to women because they hit all of a girl's emotional buttons and make it seem like she's living in a soap opera)
3. alpha male (these guys are natural leaders and women swoon in their presence)

There's two things you can do:
1. Try to change him
2. Dump him and look for someone who's more compatible

Maybe you can make a list of pros and cons related to each approach.

[Angela]

uberinquisitive, you've been spending a whole lotta time NOT creating freedom for yourself or for him. My guess is that this is probably not the first time you've found yourself in this situation.

You want him to change all these things about himself, being demanding and intense, which although they seem perfectly reasonable to you, they are occurring like control to him. And you want want to change the very core of who you are, walking on eggshells, acting happy and trying so hard to pull your own satisfaction and fulfillment out of this guy. Can you see how you have inhibited the flow of a loving, mutually beneficial relationship? In a LMBR, both parties are 100% responsible for their own happiness, both parties choose with their whole hearts to be in the relationship, and both parties feel safe and free.

I'm not saying that any of this is your "fault" (I don't believe in "fault"), but it is 100% your creation, which means you have 100% power to create something that works better for you if you choose to. Please let go of any feelings of hopelessness or powerlessness, because they are an illusion! You have the power to create a relationship that will knock your socks off, and you will do that! Maybe not with this guy (I don't know about you, but for me, bad hygiene is a DEALBREAKER). There are plenty of wonderful men out there, though, waiting to try to please you. DTMFA.

I think you should immediately stop "pursuing" this fellow. Keep going out with him if you want (stop sleeping in that horrible bed! yuck!), but don't initiate any dates or phone calls. Wean yourself off of that by calling a trusted girlfriend or posting here when you get the urge to contact him. Next, make yourself available for dating at least two other men. Go on a dating whirl, not to find a replacement for this guy, but to see in other men's eyes how desirable and fabulous you are. Date for fun!

Broaden your horizons and soon Mr. Bedbug will fade into nothing but a lugubrious memory.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by Angela

You want him to change all these things about himself, being demanding and intense, which although they seem perfectly reasonable to you, they are occurring like control to him. And you want want to change the very core of who you are, walking on eggshells, acting happy and trying so hard to pull your own satisfaction and fulfillment out of this guy. Can you see how you have inhibited the flow of a loving, mutually beneficial relationship? In a LMBR, both parties are 100% responsible for their own happiness, both parties choose with their whole hearts to be in the relationship, and both parties feel safe and free.

I am a guy used to being a bachelor and I agree with this 100%. Nothing will distance a man from a woman like nagging. Don't nag. I know it is hard, but don't.

Also, I can kind of empathize with him not introducing you to his friends. This could be for a couple reasons:
1. I would be afraid my friends would spill some things about me that would make me look bad.
2. I would be afraid of the comments they make about my gf, especially if I haven't known her very long.
3. It is nice to maintain separate worlds sometimes, friends/girlfriends.

That being said, I would obviously introduce you after 4 months or so. Also, I would probably make an effort to change my sheets on my own accord, and if I did want to break things off, I would be direct about it and tell you.

If it has been a long time since he has introduced you to anyone, and he sparsely calls...well I hope he isn't cheating. I don't know, I am not going to speculate on anything when I don't have the complete background.

Anyway, that is my perspective as a guy. Keep working at your life and keep becoming stable and strong. Know more about who you are. I think that is the best you can do right now.

[lizthefair]

Angela said it differently than I would have, but in the end, I think she is right.

He may be a great guy and just misunderstood, or he may be a gigantic a**hole. We have no way of knowing that, and actually, it doesn't matter because we aren't talking to him, so this is all about you.

You deserve to be happy. If your current situation makes you happy, than by all means pursue it. But if not, you can't change him, you can only change you.

So you can reinvent yourself into what he's looking for, or you can expand your horizons and find your happiness elsewhere.

For my money choice number 2 is the better bet. If you go that way, maybe the changes will kickstart his interest, and things will work out between the two of you. But even if they don't, you will have found happiness either with another guy or by yourself. In any case, you win!

[cdn2wheeler]

A couple of notes, if I may:

• Zukin has made a good start on the different types of men. There are more, of course - the introvert, the extravert, the psychopath, the mother-worshipper, the risk-taker, etc. etc. One thing, though, is that one man can be different at different times and in different circumstances. Men are not nearly as one-dimensional as some popular books on the subject may attest (see the whole John Gray library, starting with the Venus/Mars book, or The Rules by those extraordinarily bitter, irritating and oft-divorced women, or the current favourite, He's Just Not That Into You). The bombastic know-it-all in the boardroom might be a complete spineless amoeba under the thumb of his wife/girlfriend. Or maybe not. You just never know;
  
  
• For reasons that probably have as much to do with biology and brain function than anything, men seem to have an easier time compartmentalizing their lives. That's neither good nor bad, it's just reality. Generally, it's a trait that's honoured and respected. Who wants a guy to bring home all his office troubles and pollute the family home with that? And what business wants a fellow who brings his domestic problems to work?;
  
  
• You admitted that you're somewhat emotional. Again, as a general rule, men don't respond positively to overt displays of emotion. Personal drama is not an attractive trait, frankly. The old idea that you can "talk it out" has long since been proven to actually exacerbate problems. But if you must "talk it out," do it with a girlfriend. Even if your man is 100% committed to you and loves you more than life itself, it won't be long before his eyes glaze over and he starts thinking about hockey. It's a guy thing; we're just not wired that way to listen to all that emotional drama;
  
  
• Lastly, it sounds as if you've got a major allergy to dust-mites. Very common. I've got it too. Nothing you can do except keep the sheets clean and rotate through a couple of comforters. Oh, and buy new pillows. If you had any idea how much of the mass of a pillow is comprised of dead dust mite bodies and poop, you'd (insert disgusting body function here) yourself.

[tefaroko]

Just a small side note on a small side note of your post, the drinking thing. I don't know about all guys, but me personally, any kind of emotional drinking or drug use is an enormous turn-off. I think it stems from the lowered inhibition, and the idea (real or imagined) that if this is how you respond to rough patches, something could happen between you and another guy.

To be honest, wait for responses from other guys on this, because it may be a 100% only-me crazy thought.

[sourceofmiracles]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

My bf is in his mid-30's, independent, and a nice guy. I'm in my late 20's, emotional, and a nice girl. We've been together about 4 months.

He tends to compartmentalize his life. I had to really bug him to finally meet some of this friends. I think he's so used to bachelor life and he's pretty set in his ways.

He doesn't change the bedsheets when I come over. I've woken up with huge rashes and even a swollen eye. Yes, he's pretty filthy. And while he apologizes, instead of changing the sheets, he tells me, "I feel uncomfortable when you come to my apartment." This is just one of many small things, where he resists changing to make me more comfortable.

About 3 weeks ago, he was grouchy and rejected me when I tried to hug him. I started crying and drinking, and he became extremely angry at me. He didn't talk to me for a week and told me that he sees me differently now. I, of course, feel ashamed.

Since then, I've tried very hard to be more stable. I'm doing a pretty good job. And now, he doesn't call me. Or text me. Or make any effort to see me. When I do see him, I act happy and don't cause drama.

Part of me thinks that I caused all this distance between us - I've been demanding, intense. And, naturally, he needs some breathing room. He spends a lot of money taking me out, and he skips a lot of jogging sessions.

However, another part of me thinks - but I'm not asking for much! Clean sheets? Being introduced to his friends? Having a 5-minute phone call at the end of each day?

I feel really unhappy, and could use some advice. Thanks in advance.

A guy is pretty simple. Typically, all we need is love and respect. A decent looking, sweet heart that caters to a man's ego can OWN almost any guy. Testosterone and cultural training makes us have a serious weak spot for a certain kind of woman. I'm generalizing big time, but most guys just want respect. It makes them feel like a man. Women want the same thing but in a different way.

The guy you are describing doesn't sound worth "owning". Maybe he's been alone too long to compromise. A serious relationship takes serious compromise on both parts (i.e. he cleans a little/you back off on cleanliness). If your partner is not willing to meet you half way than do yourself a favor and back off to see if he'll take the bait. If he is interested he'll either get upset and ask you "whats up with you, lately?!" or he'll start compromising. If he shows some kind of interest tell him how you feel. If you doesn't back off even more and start moving on.

[openeyes]

Though there are plenty of other issues, as has been addressed, if clean sheets are a big deal simply bring some when you visit, maybe some silks ones the two of you could love rolling about in (make it seem like you're bringing special sheets because you want it to be a fun night), or if he has some clean ones waiting you change them when you get there.

A friend's girlfriend can't stand anything remotely dirty, so whenever she visits his place she ends up cleaning everything. It's rather cute actually. I don't think this particular bit of advice is the critical component to problems in your current relationship, but it could be of use in future relationships if you're really sensitive to where you sleep.

[uberinquisitive]

Thanks for all the feedback.

I admit to being controlling, albeit in less traditional ways. I also admit to being very emotional, reactive, and never happy in relationships. I'm always angry that the guy isn't "giving me enough."

But I want to change all that. My last relationship, my boyfriend killed himself. We had a very tumultuous relationship. I used to blame myself 100%, but now I see that I was just one of the many factors.

I guess the question is - what does a healthy relationship look like? From what I can see, my bf is a normal, nice guy. However, maybe he's not the one for me. How do I know what's my own dysfunction and what's just incompatibility?

Thanks.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I admit to being controlling, albeit in less traditional ways. I also admit to being very emotional, reactive, and never happy in relationships. I'm always angry that the guy isn't "giving me enough."

It's ALL YOU, uberinquisitive. As long as you enter a relationship with the intent to be controlling (albeit in less traditional ways), reactive, never happy in relationships, angry that the guys isn't giving you enough, IT DOESN'T MATTER how compatible you are or are not.

It does not matter, because you are generating a relationship in which you have sentenced yourself to never being happy.

You could find the most compatible guy in the universe and you would still put yourself in the same prison.

Time for a breakthrough (breakout?), don't you think?

p.s. you are not at fault for your boyfriend's choice to end his life, not even a little tiny bit. You were not "one of the factors" that controlled him. His choice was his choice, just like your choices now and the choices of the guy you are seeing are 100% self-owned.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I guess the question is - what does a healthy relationship look like?

Excellent question. Now, it's different between different couples but there seems to be a small cluster of common threads:

• Trust
• A healthy and vigorous sex life
• Common goals and clearly-defined paths to reach them
• Open communication
• Forgiveness
• Mutual support.

You'll note that the whole myth about your partner being your best friend isn't included. That's deliberate. Nobody wants to leap headlong into bed for a night (or morning, or afternoon) of bed-pounding, call-the-police, rattle-the-windows sex with their best friend. Best friend are to hang out with, shoot the breeze, maybe even travel with. But when it's time to make the beast with two backs, I'm not interested in a best friend.

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

However, maybe he's not the one for me.

You come across as an intelligent woman, so you probably already know this, but for others who are reading this thread it's probably a good idea to state this clearly and categorically:

There is no such thing as "the one" or the "soul mate."

I want to repeat that for those who maybe didn't quite get it the first time.

There is no such thing as "the one" or the "soul mate."

That, too, is another myth perpetuated by makers of greeting cards, diamond miners and distributors, flower growers, wedding planners and all the rest. It's a purely manufactured construct designed specifically to remove money from your wallet.

[Angela]

Danger Man and I, despite our furniture-endangering, neighbor-frightening, sheet-fraying, limp-inducing, front-lawn-smushing hot sex life, are

BEST FRIENDS.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Angela

Danger Man and I, despite our furniture-endangering, neighbor-frightening, sheet-fraying, limp-inducing, front-lawn-smushing hot sex life, are

BEST FRIENDS.

Well, my best friend is a grey-haired, overweight man. Nice guy, but not for me in the naughty department. *shudders*

Front-lawn smushing? No wonder the neighbours are peeking through the curtains...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Angela

It's ALL YOU, uberinquisitive...

Angela, you are, once again, absolutely correct. In fact, it's starting to get a bit annoying how spot on you always are. I don't even dare ask you how the weather will be tomorrow, 'cause you'll probably get that right too...

Anyway, uberinquisitive, listen to what the nice wise lady says and don't set yourself up for unhappiness. You deserve to be the happiest woman in the world! (just don't tell NotesMaeve I said that)

Jim.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I don't even dare ask you how the weather will be tomorrow, 'cause you'll probably get that right too...

whereever you and I meet, Jim, it's going to be sunny and bright.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Angela

whereever you and I meet, Jim, it's going to be sunny and bright.

I bet it will be!

[cdn2wheeler]

hey... you two... get a room!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

hey... you two... get a room!

okay, it will have to be half-way between L.A. and the Netherlands... let's ask two twins who live on opposite sides of the street; one always lies and the other always tells the truth.... d'oh! sorry to derail your thread, Uber!

We are still with you!

[cdn2wheeler]

From LA to Amsterdam is, apparently, 5560 km. That puts the mid-point between you two at 2780 miles, which is smack dab in the middle of New York City. (Slow day at work... can ya tell?)

OK, I'm ending my part of the thread hijack now. Sorry... heh heh

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

There is no such thing as "the one" or the "soul mate."

I want to repeat that for those who maybe didn't quite get it the first time.

There is no such thing as "the one" or the "soul mate."

How do we choose the right person? If it's 100% me, then I should technically be happy with anyone and everyone (if I choose to be). However, I think most people would say that some men are probably a better match for me than others.

I don't know how much of my unhappiness with my bf is based upon legitimate, plain ol' incompatibility issues...and what are based upon my own self sabotage.

For example: The past two weeks, my bf has barely called. On Monday, he said he'd call, but he didn't. He has yet to call. I txt him and asked him how his day was yesterday, and he txt me back that he got the new position he had been eyeing in his company. So, after my class, I called him and left a "congratulations" on his voice mail. He emailed me a short thank you note today.

Am I being over dramatic in feeling left out and hurt? I wish he had txt me the news when he found out. I wish he had called when he said he would. I wish, instead of a thank you email, he would have called me.

Or does this mean we're just not compatible (i.e. have different priorities). Again, because I've always had dysfunctional relationships, trying to be healthy is totally alien territory for me; if my questions seem to have self-evident answers, I apologize in advance.

Thanks.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

How do we choose the right person?

Well, that's the thing, isn't it? If you can find out the answer, then you'll be the first.

Point is, though, that there's a phrase that you'll see pop up on this here board from time to time, and there's a lot of truth to it: Like attracts like.

You want compatibility, peace, contentment, joy and abundance? Then be compatible, peaceful, contented, joyful and swim in abundance.

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

...because I've always had dysfunctional relationships, trying to be healthy is totally alien territory for me; if my questions seem to have self-evident answers, I apologize in advance.

Thanks.

No apology necessary. We've all been there, to some degree, at some point. But you're evolving because you've come to realize that what you're getting isn't working. So the next step in the evolution is to change what you're doing so you'll get a different - better - result.

But enough of the theoretical. Here's where the rubber hits the road:

Stop contacting him. Clearly, you aren't a high enough priority in his life. That's not necessarily bad because nobody likes "clingy" but at the same time you want more than he can provide right now. Doesn't make him bad, nor does it make you too demanding, it just means that you're not compatible in this aspect at this time.

Chill on the drama. It's not giving you a positive result, so there's nothing positive that can come from it. Too hard a habit to break? Try this: Put an elastic band around your wrist. Whenever you start to have thoughts about drama, snap the elastic. Not super-hard, just hard enough so it stings a little. What you're doing is breaking the psychological cycle of generating drama. Stop the cycle and you'll stop the drama. (This also works for a lot of different behaviours.)

Lastly, spend a few moments before you drift off to sleep thinking about two or three specific things - and I do mean very, very specific, not something like "I'm thankful for air" or whatever - about what you're grateful for that day. Could be, "I had a wonderful lunch" or "That cute guy I saw in the video store smiled at me" or "Taking that shower this morning sure felt good." Develop a habit of being thankful.

The whole idea is to modify your mind-set, one small step per day, from one that's more positive, less dramatic, more thankful, less entitled.

It will take some time, but it will work.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I don't know how much of my unhappiness with my bf is based upon legitimate, plain ol' incompatibility issues...and what are based upon my own self sabotage. ......I wish he had txt me the news when he found out. I wish he had called when he said he would. I wish, instead of a thank you email, he would have called me.

As I mentioned, ALL of your unhappiness with your boyfriend is self-generated, uber. You are not even .0001% unhappy because of anything that he is or does, or because of how compatible or not you two are.

Taking on someone else's happiness is just too much to ask of someone! You wish he would do this or that, but that has absolutely nothing to do with his next right choices, and wishing someone would behave differently or be something else is YOU, creating pain for yourself (I call it the Chicken Opera -- brawwwk!)

Until you can grant him (or anyone) the freedom to be exactly who he is and exactly who he isn't, why in the world would he want to hang out with you, compatible or not?

Let's pretend The Truth is that you are Just Plain Incompatible with this guy. There is nothing about that that would mean that you must be unhappy. Even if he kept his leftover Chicken Fiesta Burritos in his bedding for three days, that is still no mandate that you must be unhappy. Even if he were a Leo and you were a Virgo.... well, you get my point. Your unhappiness is YOUR CHOICE!

[Angela]

Sorry for my stridency, uberinquisitive. Perhaps you have guessed that who I'm really talking to is my younger self. How I would like to go back and time and pummel this idea into my twenty-something year old head, and ask her not to waste any time trying to get someone to love her! Pummeling probably wouldn't work on chicken opera angela anymore than it does on you.

Please, please take into consideration that the most important thing you can do is to create a life you love -- I wish for you that you make that your number one priority. As long as you are singing the Chicken Opera, you are distracting yourself from that task.

and with that, I'll let it go, with my very, very best wishes to you.

[Boreas]

You are pummeling it into my twenty-something head Angela, and for that I am most appreciative.

Besides, I know you would never really regret anything.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am glad to "see" you, uber. I am also sorry that your going through this tough time. I don't know that my advice will be particularly helpful because I am deep in the learning process myself, but what I would suggest is a time out. What I think would be very helpful is to stop being in a relationship right now. It is much harder (though I am sure not impossible) to work on yourself and get to the bottom of whatever issues you have (not a judgement, I have plenty of issues) when you are with someone else. It's too easy to let them be the responsible one and therefore not look deep enough into yourself. At least that's true for me. Unless this guy is so fabulous that you can't bear to let him go, I would say a four month relationship is worth stepping out of to make it possible to turn your life into a wonderful life that you love.

I am not an expert on how to take responsibility or create a life you love, but I started a thread about it. Maybe if anyone responds with advice it will help you too. If you want to check it out it's here.

[Old Soul]

the first thing that came to me was the exact same thoughts as the post below

"He's not that into you" ......... all the signs are there....... do you really think you should have to jump through hoops to get him to see a need, if he really was into you

[uberinquisitive]

Angela, thanks for the pummeling.