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10-08-2007, 12:22 AM
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 The Crocodile Nun - a long article about romantic love I wrote this in response to someone who is hurting and scared because of what's occurring for him in a relationship. I thought I would just go ahead and post it as an article since it's so damned long!  I just had a nap on the beach, and dreamed of a boy and girl on a blanket by the river’s edge. A giant crocodile dressed in a nun’s habit and little round gold wire glasses crawled up out of the river to bite the boy on the butt. That’s a pretty good symbol for what’s causing you to suffer! A boy and a girl don’t feel free to simply BE with one another without the cartoon monster of habitual ways of thinking, religious and social training, and popular culture emerging from the depths of our unconscious and trying to bite them on the butt! That Crocodile Nun is the traditional model of romantic love. But it’s not “real” or “true;” not anymore real or true than an infinite variety of other models. It’s a story made up by people, and it has really caught on only in the last 120 years or so – around the same time frame as Santa Claus and his magic sleigh. And it’s not the most empowering story ever written, that’s for sure! The story goes something like this: You dream that one day fate will throw your one perfect mate into your path, and she will make you happy. You are sure that if that doesn’t happen, or if you pick the wrong woman by mistake or through lack of patience, you will be unhappy, unfulfilled, and unsatisfied. One day, a miracle happens and you meet a beautiful woman and you “fall in love”. You are “fated” to be together – you are “soul mates.” Your job is to make her fall in love with you, too. If you succeed, you “win” her and you live happily ever after. Your “love” will conquer all obstacles. You probably marry and procreate. (And if you fail to “win” her, you have blown your big chance, because she was your soul mate and every other woman you meet from now on will be only a pale, meager comparison – and you will punish those women for being pale, meager comparisons to the perfect woman!) Now, once you have entered into happily ever after, you “owe” each other certain things – some stated and some unspoken things. If you fail to provide those things for each other, you are “betraying” one another. Sometimes you make promises to each other during a big commitment ceremony, and those promises are good only as long as they’re convenient for you, but they have huge repercussions if you get caught. And often one partner doesn’t realize that he owed the other a particular thing, but it’s his fault because he “owed” her the ability to just “know” that she needed it. Or one partner will retaliate against the other if she fails to provide a particular thing for him, and love will just “fade away” as he tries to “win” it again in another lover. And then both partners are angry and bitter and blaming, and society will side with one or the other, and the spawn of this union will grow up to re-live the same story, and so on and so on. You will clutch the pain forever and you will carry it with you into your future relationships. So will your kids. Now, so many people are living out that story and supporting others in living it, that it’s easy to forget that it’s only a story, one of a gazillion possible models for romantic love. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a story all but guaranteed (with a few notable exceptions) to sentence people to being dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and unhappy. Why not try on a new model that works better, with the aim of generating satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness? Here’s one that works for me: You take 100% responsibility for creating a life you love. You practice generating love, beginning before you even meet a prospective life partner. You look closely at yourself to see what habitual ways of thinking about love you have inherited from your parents, society, religion, and pop culture; you practice being present and continually choosing ways of being that work best for you in creating a life you love, and you practice letting go of the old stuff that doesn’t work for you. You date for fun and to learn more about yourself, others, and the world; not necessarily to find your soul mate. You are positive that since love resides within, not outside, yourself, you will be able to create a loving, mutually beneficial relationship with any number of people. You know deep in your heart that if a person were to leave you, they wouldn’t be taking anything away from you – rather, they would be taking their own next right action in creating a life they love, and you wouldn’t have it any other way, just as you would want them to trust you to take your own next right actions. At some point (maybe), timing, desire, and a mutually beneficial alignment of values converge upon you and you choose to have an exclusive relationship with a particular person. Here’s the tricky part: First and most important: you accept one another, exactly as you are and exactly as you are not. You practice doing that as long as you are in each other’s lives – making sure that the well-being of the other person and of yourself is your biggest priority. The two of you talk about what kind of loving, mutually beneficial relationship would work best for both of you in creating a life you both love. You negotiate, out loud, what you want and don’t want to be part of the relationship, as honestly as you can and in good faith. You act with integrity in every area of your life. Then you try out the plan and renegotiate as necessary. You both continue to assume 100% responsibility for your own happiness, fulfillment, and satisfaction, and when you catch yourself thinking the other person “owes” you anything, you surrender that thought and look at what YOU can do to generate whatever is missing that will make a positive difference in your relationship. If you look around and can’t find love, or if an impasse occurs which you’re unable to renegotiate through; you look to see what you’re holding on to that you could give up. You generate love (or at least friendship) in your conversations, you persevere if you choose, or you say goodbye with love (or at least friendship) if you choose. You continue, or you leave, knowing that you have all the power in the world to create a loving mutually beneficial relationship; all it takes is your choosing. The outcome of this relationship doesn't mean anything about you. In this model, no one owns anyone and no one owes anything. The concepts of ownership and owingship don’t belong in a loving, mutually beneficial relationship, the way I see it. Owning and owing are the seeds of resentment, hostility, and disdain – not qualities I want in any of my relationships! They are the teeth of the butt-biting crocodile. In my model, there are two aspects that are essential: taking 100% responsibility for your own satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness; and accepting your lover exactly as (s)he is and exactly as (s)he is not. Now, your model of romantic love may look completely different, and mine will probably evolve. What I most want to say is: boldly look at the traditional model of romantic love and see it for what it is – a story, one possible (and flawed) story out of an infinite number of possible stories of how your love can go. You are free to generate a loving, mutually beneficial relationship exactly as you want it! And there are a mind-boggling number of people out there who would be a perfect match for you – don’t buy into the “will I ever meet my one true love?” illusion. Shun the Crocodile Nun! Live a life you love.      |
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10-08-2007, 04:15 PM
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| Lovely write up and spot on!
__________________ Jim Offerman ~ music that moves you blog - twitter - free music - patron powered! |
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10-08-2007, 08:14 PM
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| Just playin' crocodile's advocate... Angela, I know we both agreed in another thread that it's good for women to let men ask them out. In light of your observation about "stories"--sometimes I wonder how much of that philosophy is just another story (although admittedly it's a story I have sworn by). I'm beginning to think that maybe any story will produce corroborating evidence if you believe in it. Thoughts? |
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10-08-2007, 08:26 PM
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The trick is to pick a story that works well for you in creating a life you love, and to remember that all that it is is a story, it's not The Truth or The Only Way. By the way, when I say "only" a story, I don't mean to belittle or degrade -- we create our lives through language! Being able to create something out of thin air, simply by giving it a voice -- how incredibly wonderful is that! I'm thinking of JFK and his "we'll put a man on the moon during this decade" speech. That was only a story, but backed up by inspiration and integrity, it became a part of physical reality. Amazing. |
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10-09-2007, 05:33 PM
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| I really like this story. I keep coming back to the idea of "generating something that works for you". I have been thinking about that for weeks now, really trying to make it second nature to think that way. I have a question, is it possible to completely accept someone exactly as they are and still ask them for more? If I am with someone who, for example, doesn't value affection as much as I do, is it fair to ask that person to be more affectionate to me? Is there a line where you are asking someone to stop being true to themselves in the pursuit of getting your own needs met? |
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10-09-2007, 05:59 PM
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A couple of things about requests, though: 1 -- a request is not a demand. A request gives the person a space of freedom to choose to comply or not to comply. The requester is still generating her own happiness, fulfillment, and satisfaction, regardless of how the requestee responds. A demand, however, does not create freedom for either person, because the demandee is being told what to do (which is not good for a relationship!) and the demander puts herself in a position of being married to an outcome. Not complying with the request may very well have big repercussions in a relationship, but regardless of the outcome, both parties feel they have had a choice and are free. Sometimes people think they are making a request of their partner, but it occurs as a demand ("Would you please get your stinking feet off my beautiful coffee table?" or "I request that you clean out the garage today, or you can forget about having sex with me tonight.") 2 -- When you are making a request, my experience is that being fairly specific helps a guy out a lot. For instance, "being more affectionate" may mean one thing to you and quite another to him. "Would you please hold my hand when we're walking together? That would make me feel protected and happy." or "I would love to feel more connected to you -- getting hugs and kisses from you every day. Would you do that for me?" Those kind of requests let him know exactly what you're looking for, and they tell him what kind of benefit he'll reap from complying (as opposed to warning him of the dangers of not complying!) If you are requesting something that is a must-have in your relationship (like affection or sex), and the person gives you a flat no, that's probably a dealbreaker for you. In that case, the most loving thing to do is to break it off quickly and with lots of love, so that you're both free to pursue relationships with someone who brings the must-haves to the relationship. But if he's merely reluctant, your request might be bringing something he'll love into his life that he simply doesn't know yet, because he's not used to it. oh, yeah, and don't forget #3 -- listen generously to your partner's response to a request. Your request might get refused, but that does not mean anything about you, about him, or about your relationship. Be prepared to accept the partner's response, whatever it may be -- if you find yourself punishing, moping, or fuming (or anything else that doesn't feel good) Let it Go! You are still responsible for your own happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment, regardless of what (s)he does or doesn't do. And you'll get valuable information if your request is an opening for communication rather than a unilateral announcement. And finally, #4 -- BE the change you want to see in the world. You want more affection? Be more affectionate! (without expecting anything in return). |
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10-09-2007, 06:10 PM
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| Angela, you're a brilliant lady.
__________________ <jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that ****er's going down." |
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10-09-2007, 07:09 PM
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 Thanks for all this. |
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10-09-2007, 09:08 PM
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| Thanks for the refresher. I always need to hear the things you have to say.
__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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10-10-2007, 01:32 PM
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| wow, angella this is amazing stuff. I feel like you've written this just for me... T I had read a book called the happiness hypothesis, it talks about two different kind of "love" between lovers or spouse: passionate love and compassionate love PS: There might be a mind-boggling nunmber of potential life partners for me, but finding them has seemed quite difficult |
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10-10-2007, 02:19 PM
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10-14-2007, 04:45 PM
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| That was the best thing I've read all year Angela! Brilliant stuff.
__________________ Help make money for yourselves and charity with your writing - join the project today at http://www.TextualEcstasy.com  |
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10-14-2007, 05:18 PM
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10-17-2007, 05:06 PM
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The funny thing is, I do attract people, some of whom even respect me for the principles / morals. But I haven't been attracted to them (sometimes I think it's because they tend to draw and drain my energy to deal with thier emotional problems and baggage) I just wanted someone as positive as me... sort of a 1+1=2 as opposed to a 1-1=0. |
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10-17-2007, 05:14 PM
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__________________ Jim Offerman ~ music that moves you blog - twitter - free music - patron powered! |
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10-17-2007, 05:38 PM
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| well, i think i do have a tendancy to attract people (both friends and girls) who drain the energy. I've actually helped many people in my life, managed to avert a couple of suicides, and even helped turn around lives of a few from depression. I liked helping people - the initial parts of the journey i took to learn about myself exposed me to spiritual, religous and personal development sources. And not only does real human condition fascinate me, I actually enjoy helping them. I've actually purposely reduced the freelancing (especially the 'free' part) psycotherapy. Yet it doesn't help, since I still can't seem to find any positive, intelligent girls without hang-ups coming my way. |
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10-17-2007, 10:14 PM
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__________________ Jim Offerman ~ music that moves you blog - twitter - free music - patron powered! |
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10-17-2007, 10:24 PM
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| Angela, when are you finishing your book?
__________________ I am always open for feedback on my posts. That might focused on the argument at hand or on my writing style. If your feedback would go offtopic feel free to send me a Personal Message. I don't believe in Beliefs. |