How Would You Deal with an Unstable Spouse?

[aichaku]

I'd have to preface this by saying that writing is easier than talking with a counsellor, because speaking it is harder for me than writing it. So I'm posting here about my problem which is overall, I am finding it difficult to deal with my unstable and inconsistent husband.

He has mood swings and though he is not physically abusive, he is capable of causing alot of emotional hurt and fear. I will not go into too many details but I have come to perceive a consistent trend which is this: He is uncommunicative and does not like me trying to negotiate things with him. He gets angry when I try to argue with him. Then he becomes even more uncommunicative and withdraws his "co-operation". Sometimes he will leave my son and I in a lurch.

An example is family meals. In good times, it is the standard procedure for him to dictate the eating time, to talk to us about what to eat and we will eat together. In his bad days, he will not even ask if we have eaten and we have to guess when is the eating time and whether he wants to eat or not. He does not see this as a problem. He will say it is our problem - that we have become too dependent on him - that we should take the initiative and settle our meals ourselves. The cycle repeats itself: When he returns to his good mood, we get hopeful and think he is being loving to us. Then we are shocked into confusion when he withdraws in his bad mood.

He also tends to make monetary decisions on his own without consulting me - so far we have not yet gotten into any bad financials - in fact he has done well for the family. However, it does give me alot of unnecessary shock and causes upheaval in my personal plans - especially when he makes a risky venture - I need to put aside my own plans to be the stable provider in the family.

Previously I had tried to hide and avoid addressing this issue even though logically, it does not signify my own failing. Rather I slowly come to realise it might be the character of my husband that is flawed. I am actually very independent and can make decisions myself, however I find it difficult to try to bring my husband into our activities and decisions.

We had a big row yesterday and I have come to the final stage of acceptance of the truth - I'm trying to deal with it instead of hiding. For the first part, I realise that it is probably not my fault or my son's fault that my husband behaves this way.

Secondly, and the main point of this post is, I need to figure out what to do next on the family front - how best I can deal with this - so that I can make my life and my son's life less chaotic in the face of my husband's instabilities.

Do you have any advice to give? When I go to a counsellor, he/she would want my husband to come in for a session as well, however my husband will refuse. I think I need some concrete advise on how to deal with this, in the light that I need to do this without my husband's cooperation.

[JimOfferman]

Hey Aichaku,

I'm very sorry to hear you are in this situation. I think you already realize that your husband's instability is his problem, not yours. How should you handle the situation then? I would focus on creating stability in your own life and that of your son.

You should take the reigns of the meal times, at all times. You and your son need consistency and your husband doesn't provide that - so you'll just have to provide it for yourself. You already mention plans for becoming the stable provider of the family, which I think is a good idea.

The point is that you are in full control of your life (and for a large part that of your son too). If your husband doesn't want to deal his problems, that is his loss. Don't let him drag you down. My hope for you is that, with a little time, your husband will see the error of his ways - especially when he compares his miserable life to your shining example of stability. I really hope that is what happens.

But, if he can't even do that, please be prepared to make the only choice that is right for you and your son and cut him out of your life.

good luck,
Jim.

(I know it is a lot easier for me to write all this than for you to do it...)

[Sifox]

Aichaku, how are you doing?
Listen to me. Jim has offered you what would appear to be final words in your loving relationship with your man. I'm sorry, but I do not concur or agree with Jim. Your opening post is filled with love for your man and your son.
You know Aichaku, that when you make your man feel good about himself, then you are in the light of changing the course of negativeness.
I get it. sometimes when a man works his entire life to set up a home for his family, he can and does get into a bit of a rut. Or in plain english, becomes frustrated over the desires for a better outcome today in his life which will include you. You love him. That is potently obvious. Stand tall and be proud of this achievement. Continue tio be you and soldier on with your intentions to make HIM feel like he is always at home, no matter where he might be. Call him more often even if it is to ask what he would like for tea and lunch tomorrow. His answer should be enough for the two of you to connect on the opening page of a new day.
As for the guy's bad moods? ... well...yep! he's got stufff on his mind. don't panic! OK? He thinks that all his hard graft and years of working for the man
have taken the meaning out of his world. He has become blinded by this. He totally needs your support. (though it might not seem like it to you)
It is a question now of how clever you and your son (who fits naturally into the equation) can become, while adjusting to a new strategy to help yours and his idol.
I am so pleased to hear your gratitude for the involvement in your partner's life. You are, by the sound of it, his right hand. So don't give up on your intuition on this. Your post indicates to me that there is completeness in your life which is currently disrupted with much anxiety.
Trust me, I am certainly not undermining the actual dealings you face every day( alongwith your son)
(keep a tight hold of HIS hand )... (I don't know his age but will hazard a guess and say about 12 years old).
I will say this to you in all honesty, that your partner or hubby is currently considering a new life for himself. Kind of selfish, but at the same time stoppable. He will make hugely bad choices and will be enticed away from you. Go back to my original advice and make your man feel good about being your better half.
Understand that there are oplenty of fish in the ocean for him (and you?), because somebody told him that. a natural means of a scapegoat. Not good enough in this case, I say.
Grab him and comfort him daily. Do this as his lover. Find out tenaciuosly and with patience what it is on his mind.
OK, it may hurt, but there is nothing quite like an emotional outpour(tears) between two people who see nothing else but a world and universe of endless truth. The truth you and he said would work from the start.
Be strong for him and he will make you feel good about yourself and about him. He will end up feeling good about himself and about being loved by YOU. Your post is brave and courageous.From Simon.

[cdn2wheeler]

Let's take a step backwards for a minute to gain some history and perspective.

Aichaku, it's clear that you love him very much, though your family life is in a bit of an upheaval. I'm wondering, though, if this is a new pattern.

A couple of things to establish some background:

Mild brain injuries can manifest themselves in personality changes, and if his attitudes are something new then maybe they could be traced back to a specific event or series of events. Has he been involved in an accident of some sort? For instance, was he rear-ended in a car or something like that? Possibly witness something that may have altered his life experience?

If this is not a new situation, he's going to be confused and angry that your involvement has changed. He's been so used to having someone in the house who just goes along to get along that your higher level of involvement will come as a surprise and shock. That's why he doesn't see any need for him to go to counselling, because he hasn't changed, it's just that your involvement has, therefore he sees the problem as residing outside himself.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Sifox

Jim has offered you what would appear to be final words in your loving relationship with your man.

No, that is not what I said. I said that her husband's mood swings are not her responsibility, but his and only his. What is ultimately her responsibility, is her own life and happiness and, to a large extent, that of her son too. Then I concluded to say that, if things don't work out eventually, she'll have only one choice.

I get it. sometimes when a man works his entire life to set up a home for his family, he can and does get into a bit of a rut. Or in plain english, becomes frustrated over the desires for a better outcome today in his life which will include you...

This all basically boils down to: "Men are under a lot of stress and it's okay if they take it out on their families. But if you love him enough, things will work out." Sorry, but that is two strikes out in my opinion. It is never okay for anyone to take out their frustrations on their loved ones and you can love someone to death, but that will not solve any problems.

[Lola]

Aichaku,

I have the distinction of reading your post with the eyes of first-hand experience. Your description of your husband contains many signs of an abuser - emotionally, psychologically and financially.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship
from Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

DO YOU:

• Feel afraid of your husband much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your husband?
• Feel that you can't do anything right for your husband?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

DOES YOUR HUSBAND:

• Humiliate, criticize or yell at you?
• Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?
• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Control where you go or what you do?
• Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, the car?
• Constantly check up on you?

Did you answer yes to several of those questions?

You say he's never physically abused you - are you certain? Ever been pushed? Ever had a hand slapped away when you reached out to him? Ever been "accidentally" bumped into with force? Ever had him poking you in the chest with his finger while he's in your face yelling at you? Ever been backed up against the wall - literally? Ever been forced to have sex when you did not want to? I just want to point these things out because often we claim no physical abuse simply because he hasn't (yet) hospitalized us or beaten us or our children black and blue. Any physically aggressive behavior, especially combined with the issues you describe of manipulation, control, keeping you off balance (control), anger, financial restrictions, blaming you (and others? boss, co-workers, other drivers, store clerks...) for his bad feelings and/or behavior, is physical abuse.

And if it's ONLY emotional or psychological abuse - understand that this is just as detrimental as punching you. It is designed to chip away at you little by little and will only continue to escalate with time. The scars of emotional abuse may not be visable like bruises but they run deep and are terribly damaging to your feelings of self-worth, independence and capability.

Abuse, in whatever form - emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, economic - is the sole responsibility of the abuser. His abuse is not your fault. It is not a marital problem. It is not a relationship problem. It is not a couple problem. It is HIS problem. Joint counseling is completely ineffective, and may in fact make things much worse for you (by giving him even more opportunity to minimize, deny, and then blame you - maybe he'll "get you back" for "airing your dirty laundry" with a third party).

Your contribution to the situation is continuing to tolerate it. Seeking counseling may be beneficial for you individually - if it's safe for you to do so.

Search online for resources and information. Come back here to talk it out. Check in your community for agencies that provide domestic violence programs. It sounds like you still have the ability to exercise clear, decisive, independent thought. Look at your situation objectively. See if anything I've said rings true for you. Trust your intuition and take appropriate action.

Good luck - let us know how you're doing.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

This all basically boils down to: "Men are under a lot of stress and it's okay if they take it out on their families. But if you love him enough, things will work out." Sorry, but that is two strikes out in my opinion. It is never okay for anyone to take out their frustrations on their loved ones and you can love someone to death, but that will not solve any problems.

Absolutely right, Jim.

[Honeywith4bees]

I'm in complete agreement with Jim on this. Each of us only has control over our own actions. When we try to accomodate and/or put up with anothers mistreatment, we only enable then to continue mistreating us. You and your son deserve consistency in your lives. Your son is learning valuable lessons in how to be a man and what relationships should look like by watching you and your husband. You can still love someone and detach from them at the same time. It's not easy to do, but many other women and men do it. I would reccommend talking to a therapist, on your own, and trying to find a support group of other people going through the same situation. Good luck!

[Angela]

aichaku, it sounds like you're in a pickle, especially since you have your boy to worry about.

It's great that you are putting your concerns in writing. I can see, and I'm sure you can, too, that this man is controlling you by giving you conflicting messages, and as Lola has pointed out, this can chip away at you and make you doubt your own perceptions. Telling you that you are too dependent on him, while at the same time making unilateral financial decisions that may affect your ability take care of yourself and your son... that's a good example of someone who is behaving in a narcissistic manner.

I think you would be wise to get professional counseling on your own, if only to bolster your own sense of what's the next right action in your life. You know that you can do therapy "in writing" if you feel more comfortable than talking? There are online therapists as well as traditional therapists who will "talk" to you via email if you're more comfortable. You'd hopefully want to graduate to in-person therapy very quickly, because in-person is how you'll be dealing with the people closest to you and your therapist will help you accomplish that powerfully.

Best wishes to you, and good for you for reaching out for help!

[aichaku]

Thank you all for writing. I had technical difficulties coming to the forum over the weekend, hence I couldn't respond sooner.

I can understand what you are all saying and it strikes fear in my heart because I can see that many points are true. I am so unprepared for any action now - and I am so afraid - but I know that recognising the truth is a start I can make in the right direction - not waiting and hoping for change but making a change for myself and my son. I will keep reading and posting.