What Women Want, The Sequel: Communication Styles

[cdn2wheeler]

Found this today and thought it might generate a little interested discussion: How to Figure Out your Girlfriend.

Written by a woman, it seems to confirm the stereotype that women talk in code and men just don't get it. From the article:

Women are complex creatures, sometimes frustratingly so. There are times when we make the men in our lives want to throw up their hands in defeat and say, “I’ll just never understand what women want!”

Don’t give up hope. Sometimes the key to understanding your girl is to read between the lines of what she’s saying to discover what she really means.

It’s not entirely our fault that we have this round about way of communicating. Boys are taught from a young age that asking for what they want is the best way to get it, while girls are encouraged to use our “feminine wiles” to maneuver our way into what our heart desires.

But, alas, the author makes a fundamental - though very common - misconception about the nature of communication.

A fundamental tenet of effective communication is that it is up to the sender to send their message in a language and form that the receiver understands.

It's kind of like going to a different country that doesn't speak your own language. If I were to travel to, say, Japan, and I don't know the language and can't make myself understood, whose problem is that? Is it the listener's responsibility to somehow interpret my grunts and gestures into something that makes sense? Or is it my responsibility to make myself understood?

For instance, if I go to a vegetable market in Tokyo and want to buy some apples, it's up to me - not people around me - to make myself understood so I can find the apple vendor. It's not up to the people around me to somehow interpret my intentions, it's up to me to be clear.

Same with communication between men and women. If I want to get something across to a woman, it's up to me to talk to her in a language she understands. And if a woman wants to get something across to me, it's her responsibility to make herself understood to me in a way that makes sense to me.

[Ree]

I don't have a very good feeling about articles of this type. It seems to be encouraging men to put their own interpretation on what a woman is saying, inferring that women are maybe too emotional or too dense to be very articulate. Isn't that the thinking that led to the old idea that when a woman says "No" she really means "Yes"??

[Zukin]

There's a book called Don't Think Pink that talks about marketing to women. There's a list of 20 questions in it. Though the list is specifically geared towards a marketing point of view, going through these questions is a helpful way of understanding women. Also, just replace the word "women" with "men" in the list of questions, and it works just as well for understanding men.

1. What motivates women to use your product? How can you utilize these motivators to increase sales to them? How do women rationalize their purchase of your product?
2. What causes women to switch to your product and reject the competition? If they came from using a competitor's product, why did they first reject your product in favor of a competitor?
3. What are the reasons women have rejected the product in the past, and how can those reasons be managed so that they don't resurface?
4. Which of your female customers' deep, fundamental, motivating needs and desires can your company tap into? How important are their underlying desires - the ones they may not like to admit to, such as prestige, professional image, fun, luxury, wanting a change for change's sake, or fear?
5. Do women have subconscious negative reactions to your product? How can these negatives be circumvented at this same subconscious level?
6. Are messages hidden in your ads, brochures, sales presentations, demos, exhibits, events, and your customer-service style that elicit a negative reaction from women? How can they be changed?
7. If there are compelling arguments that will get women to change their minds about your product, how do they need to be presented? (By whom, through what channel?)
8. How can you disqualify the competition, reset the rules, redefine the standards, reorder priorities, change the decision-making criteria, transform the game and make your product the only one in a woman's mind?
9. What seemingly petty frustrations about products in your overall industry can you turn into major advantages for your brand?
10. What product changes are relatively inexpensive and easy for you, but offer extremely high value to the customer? What augmentations can transform a common product into a winner?
11. Are there advantages, features, benefits or company information that your marketing materials don't address, but that your female customers want to hear?
12. What are your female customers' interests and passions? Which claims, language, concepts, images and challenges inspire positive emotions?
13. What are the deeply held fundamental beliefs, values, attitudes and emotions that will lead customers and prospects to use your product?
14. What are the questions that your customers and prospects are avoiding, or are afraid to ask? How can you give them the answers that will satisfy them without raising these questions?
15. What are the unexpressed expectations of your female customers, and how can they be brought more in line with what you will actually deliver?
16. What are the most effective things that your competitors are doing that you should be doing or countering? What are your competitors' vulnerabilities?
17. How can you change negative perceptions of your product without mammoth advertising campaigns? How can you capture the power of word-of-mouth referrals?
18. How is word-of-mouth, good and bad, affecting new prospects' decisions? What are the actual words used between women discussion your product and which features or benefits do they stress?
19. What are the specific steps that can be taken to increase customer satisfaction? What are the subtle things that female customers seek? Are there improvements in service, response time or quality that would be truly meaningful to them?
20. Are your sales people really sold on your product themselves? Do your women prospects perceive a lack of enthusiasm from the sales staff?

[Zukin]

Also, there's a whole field of studies about gender differences in communication:
"gender differences" communication - Google Scholar

This page provides a basic list of gender differences:
Gender differences - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I found this part interesting:
One study by Erina MacGeorge found only a 2% difference in the conversational styles of men and women, and reported that in general both sexes communicated in similar ways.

And one more thing - the whole "Mars vs. Venus" thing isn't based on any empirical evidence, though it may have occasionally helped some people:
Purdue study shows men, women share same planet

[Brutha]

For instance, if I go to a vegetable market in Tokyo and want to buy some apples, it's up to me - not people around me - to make myself understood so I can find the apple vendor. It's not up to the people around me to somehow interpret my intentions, it's up to me to be clear.

Lets say there are two shops, that both sell what you want.
The owner of one of these shops speaks english the other don't.
Then the tourists go to the shop with the owner who understands english.
Let say the business of the not english speaking shop owner suffers as a result.
He will say to himself: "That's unfair, it's not my responsibilty to speak english, evil world that punish me for that."

The person who takes responsibilty for the result of his communication wins, regardles whether he is the speaker or the listener.

[Erki]

These all things are still very generalized, and there are always exceptions.

My girlfriend will be an exceptional woman.

[NotesMaeve]

Good news! This article is a piece of s*** written by some moron who thinks she's funny.

You know, I really don't have to ask for attention or someone to listen to because my fiance does that already. I don't have to obfuscate because I know he loves me and won't judge me. I mean, call me crazy, but isn't that a problem with the person who attracts someone who can't be honest with them?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

...because my fiance does that already.

I noticed you were always using something like "my boy" before... so, does that mean I need to congratulate you? If so: congrats!

(and if not, sorry for being late to the party )

[NotesMaeve]

Thanks, Jim. Not late to the party at all. I've been engaged less than a week! (Tomorrow marks one week exactly!)

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Thanks, Jim. Not late to the party at all. I've been engaged less than a week! (Tomorrow marks one week exactly!)

Congrats, NM!

[Angela]

NotesMaeve, why didn't you let us know earlier! Much great love and growth to you in your marriage.

[Brien]

Originally Posted by Zukin

...
I found this part interesting:
One study by Erina MacGeorge found only a 2% difference in the conversational styles of men and women, and reported that in general both sexes communicated in similar ways.
...

Maybe so, but here's a little toy that given a block of text will guess the gender of the author. It's not perfect, but I find it to be correct more often than not: Gender Genie.

(For example, it identified the author of the "How to Figure Out your Girlfriend" article as female.)

[NotesMaeve]

Thanks, CD. I think if anything he's taught me how sensitive and compassionate men can be while maintaining a very strong (if not overpowering) masculinity. I liked him immediately because he was very open, and we weren't even entertaining, the idea of dating at the time. He laid his feelings about everything, and every degree of pain and happiness he was walking through, out for me to see. There were no surprises.*

*ETA: There were surprises in the sense that he's a very spontaneous and fun person, but emotionally I never had to worry about some dark aspect of him popping up, because he didn't offer illusions about any part of himself.

[Rose of Cairo]

This article is stupid nonsense.

I agree that "Boys are taught from a young age that asking for what they want is the best way to get it, while girls are encouraged to use our “feminine wiles” to maneuver our way into what our heart desires. " Not always, but unfortunately I see this in many families and I see many women who have been educated like this.

I agree that many women use such a way of communicating indeed.

And I agree (I know from experience) that a woman not using such a way of communicating might be given some unpleasant names

BUT:

Not all women communicate like this... that's clear.

That we are given some unpleasant names is not a reason to do something stupid like saying "I don't feel like talking" when I mean "I need to talk".

People using such a communication do this out of a feeling of weakness, like "if I just tell what I want I won't get it anyway, so let's try to obtain it in some more subtle way, like suggesting it in some complicated code and hoping the other one is clairvoyant." That's taught and learnt helplessness and insecurity. It's not a special language for women, there is no such thing. It's just bad communication skills and lack of self-assurance. We as adult conscious beings have the freedom to do the choice to change our communication mode.

That's why I am against writing such articles. The solution would be to teach women and girls more self-assurance and better communication skills. Writing such "woman-english/english-woman dictionaries" encourages women keeping on like this and men dealing with it. This has bad consequences: it consolidates the lack of self-assurance of women and reinforces stereotypes about them. And it allows men to consider women as irrational and strange and to interpret what they say in a totally different way. As Ree said very well, that leads to the "when a woman says no she means yes" myth and can even justify sexual violence.

So, forget about that piece of ****! If she says she doesn't feel like talking, just say "ok then" and do something else. After a while she'll say when she needs to talk

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Zukin

One study by Erina MacGeorge found only a 2% difference in the conversational styles of men and women, and reported that in general both sexes communicated in similar ways.

Exactly.

I've never had a problem talking with a woman on a subject I easily talk about with a man. Any communication problems that exist would exist if the participants used the same techniques on their own sex.

Originally Posted by Brien

Maybe so, but here's a little toy that given a block of text will guess the gender of the author. It's not perfect, but I find it to be correct more often than not

I'd like to see the algorithm behind that. I can do it, too, but I've never been able to pin down how I figure it out beyond intuition. I'll have to look at it...

Erina MacGeorge, if you read the article sourced, was talking strictly about supporting commentary, comforting, social grooming, etc. Not, "So, you want to come upstairs/have a little fun/get married?"

Incidentally, the Gender Genie got the writer of the Purdue article wrong. And I dropped some of my fiction into it and got tagged as a female. Which didn't surprise me, but... heh.

edit: I dropped a couple more pieces of fiction in and it got it right. My scores seem to balance the higher the word count; I'm male usually by less than 10%. Fascinating.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Angela

NotesMaeve, why didn't you let us know earlier! Much great love and growth to you in your marriage.

Thanks, Ang. He's perfect for me. It's not the way I anticipated things to go with the boy (amazingly fast), but it's more than I ever could have asked for. I don't think I could have even had the courage to ask the universe for anyone so amazing. I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Thanks, Ang. He's perfect for me. It's not the way I anticipated things to go with the boy (amazingly fast), but it's more than I ever could have asked for. I don't think I could have even had the courage to ask the universe for anyone so amazing. I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

You so are! Enjoy!

[Brien]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Incidentally, the Gender Genie got the writer of the Purdue article wrong. And I dropped some of my fiction into it and got tagged as a female. Which didn't surprise me, but... heh.

Yeah, if I drop some of my blog entries into it it'll usually tag the shorter ones as female for me too. It seems to be more accurate the longer the text given is.

[Angela]

I found it pretty interesting that I'm clearly female, except when I'm irritated -- then I show up as male.

MaxPower shows up as male across the board, by the way.

[songwriter]

Well, if you were in Japan... there women go for the men, lol... I know friends who have been there and it's totally different from Spain. Forget the "passive role" and those Western things...

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Angela

I found it pretty interesting that I'm clearly female, except when I'm irritated -- then I show up as male.

MaxPower shows up as male across the board, by the way.

That explains why everyone thinks she's male.