Worrying - Selfish or Unselfish? How to stop...

[Magga]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here, so I hope it's a decent one .

I'm in a relationship and I often worry about the other person not being happy. I easily get consumed with the thought that there must be someone else in the world that could make this person happier then I surely can. Obviously, this person makes me incredibly happy so that's reason for me to want to stay together forever, but the unselfish part of me doesn't want to be together unless she feels happy and ultimately free.

And the worst part is, the relationship is going fine. There's no horrible signs that tell me I need to worry. I just do. I want the best for this person so bad that I don't care if it's with me. It's hard for me to believe I'm good enough, because when you love someone, you only see the good in them, and thus they look perfect in your eyes.

Anyways, I know there's no quick verbal solution to be read. But I'm just curious if this is common. Do/did you experience this in your relationship? Maybe any gems of perspective or wisdom that will point me in the right direction, hehe? I'll appreciate any and all replies.

Thanks,
Magga

[JimOfferman]

Talk to her. Say something like: "Honey, I love you more than anything in the world and I just want to make sure that you are perfectly happy to be with me." You'll find out soon enough if she is happy or not...

From the sound of it, I'd be prepared for a night of little sleep though.

(and stop fussing about the theoratical possibility that maybe somone exists somewhere who would maybe make her happier - doesn't matter, she chose to be with you, tiger!)

[Angela]

That's funny, Jim; I assumed Magga was a female by the way *it* was talking. There I go with my gender assumptions again!

Magga, please remember that you don't make a person happy, and they don't make you happy. Your happiness is your own responsibility just as your mate's happiness is your mate's responsibility. Love (as I see it) means trusting your partner to see to their own happiness, while doing all you can to support the well-being of you both. Supporting another person's well-being doesn't mean making them happy or anything else, though, and that's where people get into trouble. Because if you consider that you make someone happy, the tendency will be to expect that they owe you the same in return, and of course that's a big fat illusion that causes grief, divorce, and little bedraggled Spears children.

Your biggest responsibility in your romantic relationship is to make yourself happy. Give your partner the gift of trusting herm to generate what (s)he chooses for hermself.

oh boy (oh girl), this gender correctness is exhausting!

p.s. one more thing about that: you may want to take a look and see what payoff you receive from "need" to make the person happy. For instance, do you consider that the person will be more connected to you if you make herm happy? Or are you proving that you are loveable or worthy on a deeper level than you're able to see consciously? Did you have a similar need to make one of your parents happy when you were a child, maybe to prove that you are loveable or valuable?

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Magga

Obviously, this person makes me incredibly happy so that's reason for me to want to stay together forever, but the unselfish part of me doesn't want to be together unless she feels happy and ultimately free.

Originally Posted by Angela

That's funny, Jim; I assumed Magga was a female by the way *it* was talking. There I go with my gender assumptions again!

Your biggest responsibility in your romantic relationship is to make yourself happy. Give your partner the gift of trusting herm to generate what (s)he chooses for hermself.

oh boy (oh girl), this gender correctness is exhausting!

I don't know Magga's gender, but hir mate seems to be a girl.

[Angela]

You're right, Erki! unless Magga was using a generic "she" like some people use "he". Regardless, it doesn't matter if it's m/m, f/m, m/f, or f/f, when people hold their partner responsible for their own feelings, resentment is born and freedom is killed off.