Loners and their girlfriends (or boyfriends)

[mlc82]

Just wondering any of the rest of you ever sometimes find that hanging out someone else, including a loved/adored significant other (or close friend I suppose as well), can be just draining at times? I don't mean it in a negative way toward them, but in that I'm just one of those strange types who often genuinely needs to be left alone, and don't think my girlfriend actually understands this. She tends to think something is wrong between us or some such, case in point being tonight, she wants to get together and I just don't want to hang out with anyone. I've spent the last week helping a close friend move, spending almost 3 whole days with him, and spent a couple of those nights with my girlfriend as well, and those days were fun and enjoyed (well, as much as moving can be) but tonight the idea of being around anyone is just making me cringe.

I hate it because she always sounds disappointed (she's one of those always-social types- we're very different in many waysand it creates some wild chemistry between us ) and I hate it because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but generally just relegate it to thinking "Oh well, I'll just have to be an ass tonight in her eyes" and do my own thing- that's one thing my only child loner self has never had an issue with Any ideas on how to get this point across besides just saying it, which I've done (no offense to the women out there, but in my experience, with most of them, "direct approach" just doesn't seem to work either way- not when given by me, and they generally don't know how to do it themselves and go with "hinting" instead, which no man on earth has ever understood)? "I just need time to myself more often than most people do" seems to just baffle her, but I guess to her it would sound like someone saying to me that they "just need to stand in a dark closet and say the ABCs backward", which just wouldn't make any sense to me and I'd just think it was silly... I don't think "draining" would be the best word of description to use with her though

Sometimes being and working with others can really enhance my energy levels, but I seem to quickly hit a point where I just want to run in my room, lock the door, and crank my computer surround sound up to be left alone for a good long time. I kind of go back and forth between the two, as I'm very introverted but not shy in the slightest.


Edit: as an example, I've been this way since I was a kid. I'd be really excited to have a friend come and spend a friday night with me, we'd play all night and all day the next day, but by that next evening, I usually couldn't wait for them to go home (I never, ever wanted anyone to spend a whole weekend with me. Sunday was my day to have to suffer through church with my Mom, and then have the whole rest of the day to myself alone) so I could focus on something by myself.


Another edit: Obviously I have no intention or desire of ever getting married. The idea of fully living and sharing with someone is horrifying to me.

[JimOfferman]

Hey mlc,

Just an off the wall idea, but maybe you should pick up a hobby for which you need some alone time. Something like, say, playing an instrument. Or maybe you're more of a painter? Doesn't really matter what it is really, just as long as it is something that you have to do by yourself. The point is that it is very easy to understand for her that you'll need a few minutes a day to practice your hobby. Or maybe you need a couple of hours on the weekends. Again, whatever works best for you, but I'd start small - minutes, maybe hours but not days.

You can use this hobby as a way to get her used to you taking alone time. And once she is used to, say, you taking fifteen minutes for guitar practice every day, then that half hour of meditation you crave for will go down easier as well.

Another benefit of the hobby: you can treat her to some music or a lovely portet of her every now and then. Chicks digg that!

Jim.

[Zukin]

Maybe you can send her this article:
Extraversion and introversion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Also, when you communicate, try and avoid these behaviors:
The Art of Intimacy: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research

The article is about marriage, but it applies to all relationships.

[Lola]

There's some tips for helping the "very social types" like your girlfriend better understand their more introverted partners in this article. Caring for Your Introvert

I'm kind of an odd E/I mix. Very social alot of the time but only if it's tempered with regular processing/decompression time, so I know what you mean. If I go long periods with no time to myself I can hit overload very easily.

I set a bit of time aside to be alone everyday and treat it as a mental health necessity. That way it doesn't get too piled up on me.

[Rose of Cairo]

Don't hate it! you're totally ok the way you are. Some people just need a lot of time for themselves, there's nothing wrong with that. I am one of them too. I love people, I love meeting people and enjoy their company. But not too much, not too often and not too long or I get very nervous and aggressive after a while. I love to be alone, I need many hours every day to be alone.

Just respect this and take care of yourself. that's the way you are.

Originally Posted by mlc82

(no offense to the women out there, but in my experience, with most of them, "direct approach" just doesn't seem to work either way- not when given by me, and they generally don't know how to do it themselves and go with "hinting" instead, which no man on earth has ever understood)

what strange chicks are you dating?

Originally Posted by mlc82

"I just need time to myself more often than most people do" seems to just baffle her

That's what I always say too. I don't think the problem is that she's a woman, but that she's very extroverted, and doesn't understand your desire of loneliness. Unfortunately I don't know how to make it clear to her in another way than to tell her straightforward.

She must respect how you are. If she's upset or hurt, that's not your problem, that's her decision. You cannot do more than to explain her. Have you tried to explain in details how you feel when you see too much people, and why you need to be alone? Have you told her that it has nothing to do with her, that nothing is wrong between you?

Maybe, when you tell her you don't want to see her, tell her it's because you need time for yourself, tell her you love her so much, and after a while of being alone (for example in the middle of the evening) send her a kiss via sms. So she'll know there's nothing wrong and feel loved even though you're not with her. (Hmmm don't know if that's a good idea. You shouldn't seem to feel guilty and do this out of guilt... hm forget about it)

Originally Posted by mlc82

Another edit: Obviously I have no intention or desire of ever getting married. The idea of fully living and sharing with someone is horrifying to me.

I understand that. But living together with someone doesn't mean you see them 24h/d... You have to set limits and protect your private sphere.

Living with my bf is ok, because he works till 6pm every day, and we have a special room for each one, and we have an agreement that I always at any time and as long as I want can close the door of my room and be left in peace. But I must agree that it's difficult (edit: to live with someone, not to close the door), and I'm glad that he travels abroad from time to time. I couldn't live with someone who's talking all the time when we are in the same room either. Later I want to have at least three or four rooms 100% for myself.

[mlc82]

I appreciate all of the responses! I'm not appalled by the way I am, I actually kind of enjoy it, I just don't like to upset my girlfriend with something she can't seem to understand

I really liked the introvert/extrovert article posted as well as the one from Lola

I've also been "The Way of The Superior Man" lately by David Deida, and while some of it sounds kind of like crazy New Age stuff, it IS causing women to make a little more sense to me in general. I've never had trouble meeting or getting along with them, but actually understanding them is a different story.

[cdn2wheeler]

Lola makes an excellent point about introversion/extraversion. I've been through the whole Myers-Briggs thing - basically it's a personality assessment and categorizes four distinct parts of one's personality - which confirmed that I'm a strong introvert. That doesn't mean, of course, that I can't go and mingle with people or speak in front of a group (which I do on a regular basis as part of my work) but it does mean that it takes a lot of energy for me to be able to do that. I very much enjoy it, but once my stage time is over, I need alone time to rest & recuperate.

Seems your girlfriend gets her energy from being with people, while you get recharged from being on your own. It's not that one way is "better" than the other, it's just different.

Now here's the crux, though: It's up to the communicator to make sure his/her message is properly received. If your gf just isn't "getting it" - in the sense that she really can't understand why you are the way you are - then that's because you're not speaking in a language or in a way she understands. Yes, direct is good, but of course you have to be speaking in a way that makes sense to her. So find out, through observation, whether she's a visual, auditory or kinesthetic learner and use that information to express your needs to her in that way. (Learning styles are a whole different topic, but for a brief overview, check out this: Learnng Styles take your test.)

Good luck!

[Angela]

cdn2wheeler is so right -- if your gf is not 'getting it', it's up to you to give it to her so she does get it. Let her know:

1 - you know it's hard to understand such a difference -- I love your standing in a closet analogy! Ask her to respect your feelings even if she can't understand them.

2 - an estimate of how much time you need to yourself and how much together time is optimal for you. Ask for hers.

3 - the price you pay when you don't get your solitude. (sad, exhausted, not completely present when you DO get together, stressed, cranky) and the payoff you get when you do get your solitude (relaxed, sexy, loving, vital, connected). Ask her about the price she pays when she doesn't get the togetherness she wants and the payoff she gets when she does.

4 - how important her feelings are to you, and how commited you are that you're able to come to an arrangement that has you both happy and satisfied. Ask her how she feels about your feelings, and her commitment to the well-being of both of you.

5 - Listen generously to everything she says!

Danger Man and I have come to a pretty good arrangement, and we're both like you -- we love our alone time. We take it for granted that our weekend mornings and evenings will be spent together and that we'll be apart mid-day unless we have a date; deviations from that are generously begged off. Weekdays are by prior arrangement or mutual spontaneous agreement only; no taking for granted allowed. This works perfectly for us.

By the way, living together is not a requirement of being married. You can set up whatever arrangement suits you.

[Max0r]

Do things your way. Trying to avoid hurting her feelings is a form of manipulation.