Should I move across the country for a relationship that might not work?

[Brooks]

I'm thinking of moving across the country to try to work things out with my ex. I broke up her about a month ago, just before she moved away, because at the time I was very unhappy with our relationship and I didn't think we would be able to sort things out long distance.

I felt very relieved when it was over. Our relationship had been extremely difficult for both of us. I have learned and grown so much from being with her, but many times I felt so exhausted and unhappy that I wondered if it was worth the pain it caused.

We were not together for very long. Only about 5 months, 2 of which I was away traveling. That is such a short time for so much drama!

I'm still really in love with her. I know, intellectually, why I broke up with her, but I don't emotionally feel those reasons anymore. I want to try again to work things out with her, and that would mean moving to a different city.

I know I might be making a foolish mistake. I have a lot going for me where I am now, including a new job that might lead to a jumpstart in my career, a nice new apartment in my favourite neighborhood, a new program at school for which I pay practically nothing (because I live in Quebec and school is cheap here.) But all of that seems really trivial, and I'm not really happy.

I still think about her every day, and I really love her. I want to try again. If things work out, it might be the best decision I've ever made. If things don't work out, I'm sure I will learn something valuable. And I've actually always been interested in going to the city where she now lives, even since long before I met her. And my brother lives there now too, which is a definite plus. I could use a big change like that, perhaps.

Thoughts?

[Zukin]

Hi Brooks,

My opinion is that love is mainly a function of neurochemistry and that if you can find one of the other million or so people who can stimulate the same release of chemicals in your brain, you'll be fine:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpe...Neurochemistry

I'm not saying that you should move or that you shouldn't move. I just wanted to give you more information that may help you in your decision.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Brooks,

welcome to this forum

my first impression is that you already know what to do

My advice would be: listen to your intuition, not to your logic. No argument in the world is worth it if your heart tells you something else.

About your relationship, I recommend the "Book of positive aspects method". It's a method in the book Ask and it is Given. Works like this: write down in a book everything you find positive about her and on another page about your relationship. Don't think of the negative aspects, note only the positive things. Every morning, read what you wrote and if you find more positive aspects to write down, write them down. After one week, start a brand new page for her and one for your relationship and do the same again for one week. And so on.

Goal is to focus only on the positive aspects of the relationship. Doing this, the relationship will improve. (Background: Law of Attraction, do you know about that? you attract what you think about.) I tested this method and it worked tremendously!

Their message is: don't leave a relationship because of its negative aspects. (as long as you don't get abused of course...) You would attract the same negative things in your next relationship. So first concentrate on the positive side. THEN you can leave if you still think it's the right decision. (For example because the relationship doesn't really make sense anymore... but not because you think it sucks.)

I wish your decision makes you happy

[Brooks]

Thank you Rose. That is wonderful advice.

[NotesMaeve]

Rose gave great advice!

I moved across the country for someone. Didn't work out. I tried the whole IM thing. "I'll have a relationship where I 100% love to the best of my abilities and am loved." It ENDS. Steve will be able to tell you about that because his ears actually burst into flames from being cussed about on August 4th of this year.

TWO DAYS LATER, I am hitting it with a fairly successful musician. Oh, cool, a rebound. And I did good! We had fun. A lot of fun. He was great. I had never rebounded before, but he was great and supportive and a lot of fun in bed. And also he was hot.

A few weeks later, he says he has feelings and needs to think.

A few days after that, I say, "Look, I have feelings, but I understand your crappy situation. I just want to be your friend at the least." He surprises the hell out of me and says he wants to give it a go, that he loves me in a way he's never loved anyone else, that he feels I'm his soul mate. Okay!

So he was going on about he got some money from something and he's going to buy our friend a guitar because she needs a pick me up! I ask if I can come. No. It's a him and her thing. Whatever, right?

So my friend calls and she's all like, "Yeah, we didn't get a guitar, but we got something for you!" I'm thinking, "Godiva shop! Yay!"

After prying for 50 minutes, she spills. Engagement ring! Then last night I had to pull off looking surprised. I did poorly. But he didn't pick me for my acting skills, thankfully.

So, yeah. Move. If you don't do this, you'll go on the rest of your life never knowing.

[Zukin]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

After prying for 50 minutes, she spills. Engagement ring! Then last night I had to pull off looking surprised. I did poorly. But he didn't pick me for my acting skills, thankfully.

Congratulations!!!

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Zukin

Congratulations!!!

Thank you!

My point remains, as I was telling my brother last night on the phone in my excitement, that going with our guts doesn't always mean things will pan out exactly as we're aiming they will.

Maybe Brooks will fall in love with the young woman and they'll have a great life, or maybe something better. I feel like I've grown so much as a person now that I've learned how to receive from the universe. I just wish I could bottle that and give it back.

[Honeywith4bees]

To NotesMaeve:
" I just wish I could bottle that and give it back"


You are giving it back when you give thoughtful and kind advice to other members who haven't yet made it to the point you have. Congrats on the ring!

Brooks ~ maybe you should think just about whats in it for you? Maybe you move and find a better job and a better relationship? I just mean to be thoughful about yourself and don't quit your job, leave your great apartment and quit school only for her, do it for YOU. Good luck!

[cbreeze]

LISTEN to the words you wrote:

"I know I might be making a foolish mistake. I have a lot going for me where I am now, including a new job that might lead to a jumpstart in my career, a nice new apartment in my favourite neighborhood, a new program at school for which I pay practically nothing (because I live in Quebec and school is cheap here.) But all of that seems really trivial, and I'm not really happy."

Coming from the voice of experience (been where you are a few times and learned a lot of emotional/financially expensive lessons of the heart) if it didn't work the first time, what are the odds it will work out the second, third, ........

Are you thinking about her because you're lonely? In love with the thought of being in love? Bored? Miss bliss? DON'T DO IT! If you're "in love with yourself" and feel worthy of love, then, you've got the right ingredients to finding someone else who resonates with you.

Project with power what you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want in a mate, launch the missle of desire out to the universe, release it, and go out to parks, bookstores, coffee shops, you'll meet somehow soon.

Miserable after a confusing breakup, I missed him - we got back together, married, divorced (who knew) and he wasn't the one afterall, but there to learn lessons about myself. KNOWING I'd not meet the kind of guy I really wanted here in this city, I followed the advice from a quantum mechanic and am now with my soul mate and happy Best of luck in what ever you choose to do!