sealing the deal

[WrongTurn]

Hey all,

Once I used to be a fit good looking lad, until I was 17 and my best mate in the whole world punched me in the fast so hard that he broke my cheek bone, eye socket and nose. ever since I have had a droopy left eye lid.

Apprently the doctors couldn't understand why the lid didn't pick back up after an op' to correct my double vission where the eye had fallen through the hole in the socket floor. After 8 years of not knowing the docs worked out I had a condition called Kearn Sayers Syndrome and this was the reason that my eye lid wouldn't come back up on it's own.

So in 2005 I had an op' on both eyes to raise the lids to a point where they were no longer in the way of the pupils. This was great at first until i crashed on my snowabord 2 months later and stuffed the left eye again!

It's hard living with a facial disfiegerment. Some people gasp on sight, some double take. Everybody looks and I can see in that split second what they are thinking, Most don't like what they see. A very small number of people don't think twice about it and just look at me as they would any other person. I assume these are just less judgemental people.

I've even had people the in stree shout things (not many over the years) and some people ask me what drugs i'm on. Even the police assume the worst when the first start to talk with me.

Anyway, all of that makes it very hard for me to have meaningful realationships with the opposite sex. Over the last 11 years I have had the odd fling here and there but mostly one night stands. I've ended up with a trail of female friends that have worked out I'm a nice enough guy but there is zero physical attration there. So I just end up making friends with new women rather than starting a relationship with them.

Am I doomed to be single forever just because I'm not as easy on the eye (no pun intended) as someone who can open both eyes?

[Zukin]

Hi WrongTurn,

Here's a few suggestions:

1. See if you can use the principle of social proof, which Robert Cialdini discusses in his book Influence. To do this, see if you can get yourself in social situations where you are seen as the leader of the group. The book has a lot of other good social tactics that can be applied to romantic relationships as well. Also, you can try wearing a suit, which I've found to be a good approach to social proof.

2. If you are set on being in a relationship with a woman in your home country, this may not help, but you could try to go to a different country where Western men (I'm assuming you're from the UK, but I could be wrong) are in higher demand among women. China and Southeast Asia would be good places to start.

3. Find women who are focused on things besides looks. A man's appearance is a factor in a woman's choice to enter into a relationship with that man, but luckily looks are a smaller component than men realize.

4. Keep researching reconstructive surgery. As cosmetic surgery increases in popularity, economies of scale will lead to more accurate and inexpensive procedures.

[cdn2wheeler]

Forget the eyelid, forget everything else. The crux of the issue is in this statement here:

Originally Posted by WrongTurn

So I just end up making friends with new women rather than starting a relationship with them.

If you want a deeper, more meaningful relationship with a woman, never under any circumstances try to be her "friend" lest you end up in the purgatory of the Friend Zone (FZ), a domain from which there is no escape.

Some people - women mostly - don't think that there's such a thing as the friend zone. Some believe that by becoming "friends first" with a potential partner, that solidifies the possibilities of a stronger relationship.

They're wrong on both counts.

The friend zone is like gravity: It makes no difference whether you believe it or not, if you jump out of a building you're gonna hit the ground no matter what your beliefs are. Same with FZ. As soon as you're in the FZ, it doesn't matter if you believe in it or not. Any chance of a more meaningful relationship is gone.

But you don't have to believe me. Check out the following:

The Friend Zone from AskMen.com
You're in the Friend Zone and you're not getting out
'Friend zone' leaves nice guys dateless
Escaping the Friend Zone
You say he's just a friend ...
How Can I Steer Clear of the 'Friend Zone'?

I won't bore you with the details here of how to avoid being FZed - there are lots of details in the above articles - but the details are relatively unimportant. What's important is that you just avoid it, like you'd avoid stepping on broken glass or flaming wood.

[JimOfferman]

Of course, if the FZ really is like gravity it can be escaped from if you exert enough energy...

And WrongTurn, I don't believe you're doomed to stay single. There are plenty of women out there who prefer a man who is beautiful from the inside out over one who only has a pretty exterior.

Maybe you're doing it already, but don't make a point of your disfigurement. If someone genuinely asks about how your face arrived at it's current state, tell the story, but otherwise don't bring attention to it. Your face is just as normal as mine. I never have to explain why I look the way I look, so why should you?

All the people who gasp and double take are idiots who can't see past their own nose. They are also just background noise. Don't grant them any attention, ever. Just focus on the ones that don't flinch.

Jim.