Value and Relationships

[trthskr]

I was wondering what your guy's thoughts are on value and relationships...not just relationships with girls but with friends, family, etc. The reason this has come up with me is that 've noticed a pattern in my life. I will meet and make friends. We'll hang out on weekends etc, but then after a few weeks or whatever we no longer hang out. I'll call or send a text and sometimes get no response. As a result I feel a bit insulted so if and when they text me I don't respond either (which may be an immature way of handinling this but I'm not sure how else to handle it).

As a result, thru this cycle, I end up meeting people and making friends but then lose touch with them very quickly. This has been a pattern I've been stuck in for a long time which makes it difficult making friends, affects my social life and and as a result has here I am studying social dynamics, lol.

I mean I apparently make a good first impression and can meet people fairly easily but when we start hanging out something happens or I might be doing something subconsciously which lowers my value and don't hear from the person as much. I'm just trying figure out what the hell that is. I could just be over analyzing this too much and maybe it has nothing to do with me at all. maybe the other person just got caught up in their owh **** in life, who knows, but I can't help but feel that I'm not a factor as well since this has been such a consistent pattern.

It's really very discouraging b/c I'll meet someone that seems like would be a cool friend but then the reltionship dissolves for whatever reason. I feel like this is some essential skill that I need to figure out not only b/c it relates to social dynamics in being a leader of men but also in my relationships with women. Maybe it has something to do with one's internal state, charisma or energy that you give off. What do you guys think?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by trthskr

I'll call or send a text and sometimes get no response. As a result I feel a bit insulted so if and when they text me I don't respond either (which may be an immature way of handling this but I'm not sure how else to handle it).

The 'mature' way to handle that would be to always reply when they text you. If you skip on that as a form of payback for their failure to respond to your earlier text, you are only reinforcing a circle of undesirable behavior. You don't want to do that. You want to break the circle...

Treat others how you want to be treated by them! That usually goes a long way to receiving exactly that kind of treatment in return.

Jim.

[Maguru]

I can relate to your dilemma. I have problems in my relationships and it's the same thing over and over. I realize I am the common denominator and see that I am on a different emotional level. I connect on an emotional level not a mind connection which means that I feel closer to them than they feel to me.
For several years I have been observing relationships and just come to realize most work in one of four ways. Independant, co-dependant, nurture or using.
I don't know if any one is the 'right' way. I just think if two different styles come together, they won't work. I have always been in the nurturing category but see that others have been in the user category. It's like mixing oil with water.
I have a great relationship now where we both are independant and stay together because we actually like each other, understand each other and support each other.
I think we have to decide what part we are playing in the relationship and work from there. It is much easier than trying to resolve issue after issue. Hope this makes sense. It is a new perspective for me.

Originally Posted by trthskr

I was wondering what your guy's thoughts are on value and relationships...not just relationships with girls but with friends, family, etc. The reason this has come up with me is that 've noticed a pattern in my life. I will meet and make friends. We'll hang out on weekends etc, but then after a few weeks or whatever we no longer hang out. I'll call or send a text and sometimes get no response. As a result I feel a bit insulted so if and when they text me I don't respond either (which may be an immature way of handinling this but I'm not sure how else to handle it).

As a result, thru this cycle, I end up meeting people and making friends but then lose touch with them very quickly. This has been a pattern I've been stuck in for a long time which makes it difficult making friends, affects my social life and and as a result has here I am studying social dynamics, lol.

I mean I apparently make a good first impression and can meet people fairly easily but when we start hanging out something happens or I might be doing something subconsciously which lowers my value and don't hear from the person as much. I'm just trying figure out what the hell that is. I could just be over analyzing this too much and maybe it has nothing to do with me at all. maybe the other person just got caught up in their owh **** in life, who knows, but I can't help but feel that I'm not a factor as well since this has been such a consistent pattern.

It's really very discouraging b/c I'll meet someone that seems like would be a cool friend but then the reltionship dissolves for whatever reason. I feel like this is some essential skill that I need to figure out not only b/c it relates to social dynamics in being a leader of men but also in my relationships with women. Maybe it has something to do with one's internal state, charisma or energy that you give off. What do you guys think?

[NotesMaeve]

I have a friend at work who, after hanging out a couple of times, despite being a nice guy, I just can't see hanging out with a lot. We see each other for 8+ hours a day, and then he's very in need of approval. Between my boyfriend, other friends, and family, I simply do not have a few spare hours a week to devote to him. I also need my alone time.

Jerky as it sounds, most people only want to hang out with very close friends on a weekly basis (Guilty!) Develop a pattern of contacting the old friends, unsolicited, every two weeks. It's enough to let them know you care, but not overwhelming. Always reply to their contact promptly. On your "off weeks," go out and talk to new people.

[trthskr]

Thanks for all the response guys! I found value in all of them. I just wanted to address each one individually and maybe ask a few questions to further clarify this matter.

"The 'mature' way to handle that would be to always reply when they text you. If you skip on that as a form of payback for their failure to respond to your earlier text, you are only reinforcing a circle of undesirable behavior. You don't want to do that. You want to break the circle...

Treat others how you want to be treated by them! That usually goes a long way to receiving exactly that kind of treatment in return.

Jim."

Jim, I can understand where you are coming from. It make sense. But, what does one do when you have been retunring their texts/phone calls for a while but whenever you call/text it's hit and miss if they return the call/text. I percieve that as the other party not valuing my relationship to them and so they feel it's not a big deal if they don't return the call/text. I mean there's gotta be a point where you just have to fight fire with fire and play their own game with them. Thoughts?


Maguru, that's an interesting breakdown of 4 types of relationships. I feel that I also make more of an emotional connection to people I would like to befriend and perhaps the other party is not on that same level which is what reults in the frustration. I know relationships are a give and take and there has to be a fair balance of that otherwise one party will feel like it's being taken advantage of. Maybe if one takes the perspective of being as the "independent" type then you won't have any expectations in a relationship but that can be hard. I mean if you keep giving and giving in a relationship, at some point you would expect something in return. I think I fall more in the "nurturing" category.

NotesMaeve, I really like your suggestion of giving unsolicited phonecalles/emails to friends every few weeks. It's a great way to stay in touch and is an excellent way to network. I would love to hear other people's comments/thoughts on what I have here. I am really trying to get a handle on my relationships with people. Maybe you guys can suggest some good books.

Thanks!

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by trthskr

NotesMaeve, I really like your suggestion of giving unsolicited phonecalles/emails to friends every few weeks. It's a great way to stay in touch and is an excellent way to network. I would love to hear other people's comments/thoughts on what I have here. I am really trying to get a handle on my relationships with people. Maybe you guys can suggest some good books.

You'll get there! :-)

Best book I can think of about human relations is How to Win Friends and Influence People.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by trthskr

Jim, I can understand where you are coming from. It make sense. But, what does one do when you have been retunring their texts/phone calls for a while but whenever you call/text it's hit and miss if they return the call/text. I percieve that as the other party not valuing my relationship to them and so they feel it's not a big deal if they don't return the call/text. I mean there's gotta be a point where you just have to fight fire with fire and play their own game with them. Thoughts?

First of all, understand that a perfectly balanced friendship is very rare. So maybe it is a bigger deal for you than it is for them, but please don't equate that with "they don't care". The hard thing here is that you have to understand their actions, their style of communications - which you really can't. Best you can do, is imagine how you would feel and react if you were in their shoes. No, correction, that is the WORST you can do. Why? Because they don't think and feel like you!

Would it still bother you if, say, they treated all their friends this way? Or maybe it is okay to give the friendship some slack and be less in touch for a while, at least until the friendship has matured some what. Note that that is not the same as not responding to their texts/calls - it just means that you also send them messages less frequently. Maybe they are more comfortable that way. Maybe they'll even feel more connected, more in sync with you and that's a great basis for friendships to grow.

And if you really think that something is a miss, you can also call them out on it. Not my favorite strategy, but I have used it once or twice.

For example, with one of my best friends from primary school. As we went into high school and college, both our lives changed dramatically. He grew into a very social, networked person, but he also became very unreliable in our friendship because he was so caught up on making new friends and contacts. So, after he stood me up one time too many, I called him up and said: "I know we've been friends for quite a long time already, but if you do this to me once more, the friendship is over." He readily admitted to his mistake and it never happened again. The risk, of course, is that you might loose your friendship if you call someone on it like this...

Jim.

[wayne]

I think its all about loving and knowing yourself first. My relationships have always been so much better when I was coming from a place of real grounded and centered place. Blaming and putting the cause on someone else is usually just a sign that there is actually something in you. Steve talks about this...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by wayne

I think its all about loving and knowing yourself first. My relationships have always been so much better when I was coming from a place of real grounded and centered place. Blaming and putting the cause on someone else is usually just a sign that there is actually something in you. Steve talks about this...

Agreed. It's a remarkable paradox, really: to be successful socially, you first need to become very selfish

[LuckyBuffie]

I value relationships, but find I am most attracted to "low maintenance" friendships. I am the person that will totally connect with someone upon a first meeting and we can be instantly friends, however I am not great at upkeep. Luckily, they must sense that or something b/c I feel with most people I can just pick up where we left off (even after years). My husband and I avoid alot of parties, calls,family events etc. to spend time together and are notoriously known for being the "ones that aren't coming" to whatever events. We realize that we need to stop leaning on eachother and be more social. One day at a time.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by LuckyBuffie

We realize that we need to stop leaning on eachother and be more social.

Nah, it is perfectly fine to be that way. If you guys want to stop leaning on each other and be more social, that's great. But do it because that is what you want to do, not because there are others who say it is what you should do.