Social problems.

[iceredperson]

[If this is too long I can post a tl;dr version]



Hello, this is my first post ever on these boards. And as you can see I already have a question.
I am 14 years old and in 9th grade and throughout my life I have been really shy. I was always on good terms with other people my age but I had few friends. Whenever I am forced into a situation with a lot of people I usually just sit down somewhere and stare at the wall, hoping no one comes to talk to me. My current situation is exactly that. I have 4 people in my life that I would call friends, and luckily 2 of them go to my school. But so far this school I have run into a few problems. I'll call one of my friends Jessica and the other Donna.
I talk to Jessica a lot more than I talk to Donna, one because I sort of have this thing for her [I won't get into that], but also because she seems a lot more eager to talk to me than Donna. So I will hang out with Jessica at lunch on average 3 times a week, (she's in 10th grade so I don't have any classes with her) and if on a given day I don't hang out with her at lunch, I'm either doing homework or walking around waiting for the bell to ring. This makes me feel pretty pathetic when this happens.

But also when I do spend lunch with her, I feel bad afterwards, like I shouldn't be spending so much time with her. So I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I guess I feel bad for hanging out with Jessica so much because I feel like I should be making my own friends and not relying on her, I also worry about looking needy/desperate to her, not the image I want to convey to my best friend at school; I also don't want her to get annoyed by how much she's seeing me. She should be able to be with her other friends without me around all the time.
Because of all this I find myself constantly analyzing my interactions with Jessica. "Can I talk to her now?" "No, I'll wait until later, or maybe some other day." "How about now?" "No, she's with her friends, I'll wait until she's alone."

So what I want to do is try to make some other friends, so I can hang out with Jessica without feeling guilty. Also because on weekends I'm always at home, usually in my room not really doing anything. I try to organize stuff with my 2 school friends on weekends, but they're always too busy, or there was this one time I waited an hour for them to show up at a place we were supposed to meet, but they never came. I called them later and they gave a reasonable sounding explanation to what happened, but I still wonder if they're trying to blow me off sometimes.


I don't want to be living like this anymore, and I realize that only I can change my situation. But I'm not sure where to begin. I already have a lot of people at school that know me, and if anything they all like me. I just don't really feel comfortable hanging out with new people for an extended period of time. Whenever I try I just feel the temptation to go track down Jessica or Donna.

So that's my question: where do I begin with actually having a social life? If I haven't given enough information please ask.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.
I'm male by the way.

[Max452]

i'd like to know peoples ideas on this one.. im 24 and similar.. the only difference is i'm fine being on my own but i want more friends.. but have issues feeling comfortable around strangers..

i don't particularily like people that BS just to get conversation going i can usually tell it for what it is and i generally lose interest in the person as they strike me as liars/fakes..

hmm.. so how can you ease into social situations?

one tip for you though ice.. its okay to go into a social surrounding and just enjoy your own company.. someone will come to talk to you eventually.. if not today perhaps tomorrow.. just make it a habit to be there the same time ^_^

theres a girl at my work that barely says anything unless she wants to know something.. and yet instead of seeing her as weird i see her as intriguing and wonder why she doesn't feel the pressure to be overtly friendly like everyone else.. so it could also be our low self esteem that makes us look at our introverted nature negatively... its okay to be yourself

[NotesMaeve]

I'm not ignoring your post, Ice, but I'm trying to think of the right things to say.

I was a socially awkward teenager who fell in love with an older boy, so I understand. I'm trying to figure out how to tell you about the progression, but it's hard for me because I'm sort of mathematically-minded about this stuff.

I'll post later when I'm more verbally with it.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by iceredperson

So that's my question: where do I begin with actually having a social life?

Don't worry too much about it. That's what makes it difficult. Just be natural. If you don't feel like being with others, then don't. If you feel like it, just go and be with them.

Presumably you have some hobbies, interests, favourite sports or whatever. Go join some club or team or organisation. Attend the events, meet the people. If you feel like it.

[Zukin]

This Wikipedia page has some good tips:
How to Win Friends and Influence People - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

For more extensive information on how to feel better and more natural in social situations, this book is great:
Amazon.com: First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You: Books: Ann Phd Demarais,Valerie Phd White

I read it and it really taught me a lot of stuff I didn't know before about interpersonal dynamics and social interactions.

[NotesMaeve]

Okay. Brain work good now and can talk pretty proper! Yay!

Step 1) Join a social club/team.

Step 2) Talk to everybody. The earlier you start doing this in life, the easier this makes things. Next time you buy a soda at a gas station, smile, say hi, and ask the clerk how they are. Ask people, "How are you?" and smile as you pass them in the hall. Eventually, people sort of start to assume they know you and stuff falls in your lap.

Step 3) Make plans to do things alone. I never really base my plans on another person. I am going to see the new Sweeney Todd movie. I asked my boyfriend if he wants to come see it with me, as opposed to making plans to see a movie with my boyfriend. Invite people because you want to share your life, not because you "need a life."

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Step 3) Make plans to do things alone.

Agreed on this one! I used to see social activites as a chicken-and-egg problem: you need friends to go out (and not feel alone) and you can't make friends unless you go out. Turns out only the second half of that equation is true... d'oh!

Jim.

[iceredperson]

one tip for you though ice.. its okay to go into a social surrounding and just enjoy your own company.. someone will come to talk to you eventually.. if not today perhaps tomorrow.. just make it a habit to be there the same time ^_^

Perhaps you're right, but I don't like the idea of just waiting for people to come talk to me. It seems like the wrong way to live life to me. Why should people come over to me when they already have friends?



Don't worry too much about it. That's what makes it difficult. Just be natural. If you don't feel like being with others, then don't. If you feel like it, just go and be with them.

That's the thing, I'm desperate for other friends so that I'll finally be able to give my other friends their space without making myself suffer in the process. It also really bothers me that people my age and even my younger brother are out all weekend while I'm stuck at home. I guess it's not worth worrying too much over, but still.

[Lauxa]

There are usually tons of clubs and stuff in high school. My favorite was boy scouts, the Adventure-oriented Explorer's Post. We had weekly meetings and once a month spent a weekend rock climbing or canoing or just hiking.

You don't just wait for people to come talk to you. You join your energies with theirs and contribute to some common cause. You just have to find one that appeals to you. The Explorer Post was great because it took a lot of teamwork to get a camp running smoothly and set up to do these adventure sports. I had some fun in college with Habitat for Humanity. Whether you make close friends in these activities or not, you are relieving pressure from having to be with your other friends 24-7.

A club I have attended recently is a juggling club. It is fun because I can hang out with other jugglers and learn new tricks and also I am learning to pass so I can "play" with other jugglers. I think learning a performance art is great because when you perform you are putting yourself out in front of people and giving them the gift of your talents. When you are so generous as this, everyone naturally wants to talk to you.

[Magnatolia]

Can't you tag along with your brother? Tell him the problem, maybe you can meet some of his friends.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by iceredperson

Why should people come over to me when they already have friends?

Because they like you?
Because they want another friend?
Because they don't like their current friends?
Because you happen to be in the same school and they just generally like to know their school mates?

[Christian223]

I didnt read anything except the title, but since i had problems with shyness i can recommend you something that helped me to overcome it, its called EFT, the link is at my signature, shyness may be caused by mane internal/mental issues or traumas, so you must get rid of all of those, ill assure youll get better with the help of EFT and also affirmations, good luck.

[iceredperson]

Thanks for all your advice guys, I really do need it.
For all the people who said join teams/clubs. I already am a boyscout and I play JV soccer. That's pretty much all I can manage combined with school. I guess I could take a greater effort to get to know the people in my boyscout troop.

[NotesMaeve]

The boyscout org is awesome. Just get to know them. (My Slamhot Boy was a boyscout! I have a fondness for them. Of course, at 38, I'd like to see him poured in that kooky little uniform.) I don't like their homophobic policies, but awesome way to meet new people.

[Chado2423]

I highly suggest for any shy person to read How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. He shares practical and solid advice, that is both moral and useful.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

You never know what you may have in common with another person, unless you ask them!

[JimOfferman]

I didn't like that book, although I didn't read it all. He was basically saying: "Tell people what they want to hear" (at least in the bits I read), which I don't subscribe to. I always tell people what they need hear.