would you go back to an ex?

[Max452]

Hey all,

long story short, was with my guy for 2 years (supposed to get married) we both got sick of the constant arguing and split up about 8 months ago.

He was a very selfish person but i'm sure i was no angel either v.v

He currently owes my dad money, (that he'd apparently paid back but which we are sorting out now) my parents think he's lying.

We had our issues.. and since the split our familys wouldn't dream of talking again.

We were happy for quite a while.. then thing turned sour when we moved in together...

anyway.. he still wants me back.. says he couldn't imagine being with anyone else.. (etc)

my dad said i'd be an idiot to go back to someone that left.. mum isn't keen on the idea either..

what would you do? would you consider going back to an ex or just leave it to fade away for good?

tnx all...

[aaronmp2003]

Max,

For one, you should just listen to your instincts. I'd wager that you already know what to do, even if you aren't willing to really listen to that voice inside of you.

For two, ask yourself why this time would be any different than last time. You should completely disregard things like a better job, a lesson learned, etc. Those are merely circumstances.

A relationship is about the people who are in them, and if those people had issues with each other before, what makes you think that you won't have those same issues again?

[Max452]

Thanks aaron.. you are right.. guess i can't help hoping he has changed as he says he has.

Our problems to begin with mainly stemmed from his selfishness ...

guess i'm still hoping.. the voice in my head is telling me that there would be someone out there better suited to me... my self confidence is saying "well... what if you never meet them?"

... its hard is all... i still love him.

But thankyou for the reply very wise words...

[aaronmp2003]

Glad to help out, Max! Listen to those instincts, and they will always lead you down the right path, even if it's a scary and uncertain path at first.

[cdn2wheeler]

Yes, you can go back to an ex. And no, you can't go back.

If you and your ex come to some sort of resolution about why you broke up in the first place and actually fix the problem (as opposed to just talking about fixing it), then there's a *chance* that it can work. But that said, it's pretty rare.

The other issue is one of "intuition" and "instinct" and "feelings" and so forth. In a romantic relationship, those things are important, but they're only one aspect of the decision-making process.

How often do we hear of women who stay with abusive partners and we hear phrases like, "But I love him!" and "I know he'll change" and "My instincts tell me that he's THE ONE"? They've taken their brains out of the equation.

In order for a relationship to be successful, there has to be congruence between your head, your heart and your sexuality. Miss any of them at your peril. Trust me on this. Been there, done that. More than once (slow learner, I guess).

[Jim11]

Based on the wording of your initial post I would say that you're thinking about going back with him because he's "not all that bad", "I wasn't the greatest", and there isn't anyone better on your doorstep right now. If that's the case.... you probably know you shouldn't go back to him.

If that isn't the case then, like the last poster mentioned, you need to think for awhile about what will be different this time. If you make positive changes, is he the type to reciprocate, etc.

Lastly, if you do decide to go back with him I suggest living apart from one another for awhile before you move in. "30 day trial"... lol. kidding about the 30 days - but if you're just testing the waters by seeing him a bit you might realize pretty quickly why you broke up.

[JimOfferman]

Don't go back to him. You are not a bad person. He may not be a bad person either and he might have actually changed his ways. Fact is that the two of you together didn't work out to well the first time. Chances are slim that things will be better on the second go around.

You deserve better than that (and so does he).

The greatest gift you can give to both yourself and to him is to move on and find a better match for you.

Jim.

[AddictiveX]

I always say there an ex for a reason and don't go back, but under certain circumstances i'm sure i'd crack on that, I usually make my ex's into friends when we split up, we often get on better that way.

Ax

[Ponce]

I got married in 1970 and divorced in 1976......I was 30 and she a beautifull 19 years old blue eye blond 5'6" and 110 lbs WOWWWWWWWW.

The first time that I laid eyes on her I knew that was going to be my partner, she wanted to move to NY where her family was at but not me and that was the why of the split.

After 30 years I got a letter from her (last year) and she visited me twice for one week.....sorry to say that the fire that was there at one time was gone for ever and for me that was good because I waited for her for those 30 years and now I am free.

When there is true love then time does not exist because today would be like yesterday and yesterday like today.

[Max452]

Thanks all ^_^

Your thoughts really do help..

hmm.. true.. my brain is telling me to let it go.. my heart just doesnt want to break his by telling him that i don't want too

i really don't want to hurt him... its so hard to turn away someone who's professing that they made the biggest mistake of their life by mistreating and leaving you.. that they can't move on or want to see a future without you in it... its just so hard...

i saw him recently... and actually.. i didn't find him as appealing as i used too.. its sorta like you said ***... realising that the spark isn't as bright as it used to be really does set you free.

but how do you tell someone that without breaking their heart.. i still care for him so much... and the s@x was awesome and i haven't had any in almost a year!!!!!!! thats really REALLY hard to turn away too!!! .. but no, i haven't gone there with him :P

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Max452

but how do you tell someone that without breaking their heart

Well, you can't really do that without breaking his heart. You can't sugarcoat bad news into something nice. In the end, bad news is just that: bad news. There is no way around that.

All you can do is bring it in a firm but gentle way. Firm enough so that he knows that the decision is yours to make and that it is final and irreversible, but also gentle enough as to not stomp on his broken heart more than necessary - there's no need to rub it in.

Also keep in mind that the longer you put this off, the more pain it will cause - both to you and to him.

Still, it's much easier for me to write the above than it is for you to actually do it - so best of luck with that!

Jim.

[chaostheory]

There has been only one ex i went back to, and i married him. As for the others...not worth my time. i'm only interested in making these kinds of mistakes once. Why put myself through something over and over?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by chaostheory

There has been only one ex i went back to, and i married him.

Just goes to show there's an exception to every rule!
Now, the tricky bit is knowing when you are the exception...

Jim.

[Max452]

Chaos.. what made you decide to go back? are you happy that you have?

i guess i would just really love to believe in change... i so would.. but it seems the majority agree that.. its just not going to happen...

jim... your right.. bad news is bad news.. and i just want to think 100 times and cut once.. if you know what i mean... i don't want to make a big mistake just because its what everyone else around me wants.

you want to walk away saying that you did what you truely wanted in the end, but unfortunately life is never that simple.. i can't live selfishly at the moment..

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Max452

jim... your right.. bad news is bad news.. and i just want to think 100 times and cut once.. if you know what i mean... i don't want to make a big mistake just because its what everyone else around me wants.

Agreed. In the end, it should be your decision and yours alone. Even if everyone around you thinks it is a mistake to go back to him, it is still your mistake to make. It is, after all, you who has to live with the consequences - good or bad.

(I'd still recommend against going back, though)

you want to walk away saying that you did what you truely wanted in the end, but unfortunately life is never that simple.. i can't live selfishly at the moment..

You shouldn't live selfishly in the sense that you care only about yourself, but you should, however, live selfishly in the sense that you care about yourself first, before thinking of others. If you are not happy with yourself, you cannot make anybody else happy.

So, whatever you decide on this, please take care of yourself first. This is your life and you owe it to yourself to make it beautiful!

Good luck,
Jim.

[Honeywith4bees]

Be careful that this person is not simply manipulating you into letting them back into your life. Manipulative people really don't like to see others walk away from them and make changes for the better. This person may be manipulative, but not because they are a bad person, it's just the only way they know how to get their needs met, at your expense. It's true, you have one beautiful life, and you need to make the decisions that build on that, even if it means hurting someone else. Good luck!!!

[Halcyon]

Well I didnt want to read ALL the posts but I want to say that I had a bad break up and people DO change. The people on the forum should know this more than most people.

Listening to your instincts is the right thing to do. You can also give people a second chance.

I cant judge people because Ive been in too many situations and can identify one way or another to too much.


<Halcyon>

[chaostheory]

What made me know he was the one? i don't know. i just did. i absolutely knew it with every fiber of my being that it was right. Through thick and thin i never once questioned if it was right for me. i KNEW he was, and is. There were no doubts. That doesn't mean it was perfect...we each had to do some adapting and accepting, but that's to be expected since we are essentially two seperate human beings.

How are things now? i could not be happier, and i know how very lucky i am to have found my One. We know it every single day that this is where we were meant to be. After 22 years, we are still madly in love like teenagers. Everything i could have ever possibly hoped for in a man, he provides, as i do for him. We really do live for eachother, and always have the other person's best intrests at heart. We understand that what affects one affects the other, and we are eachother's best friend, lover, confidant and protector.

i didn't know we were the exception for a long time. We met when i was 14 and he was 15. There's no way to know what " forever " really means at that age, or how to handle the responsibilities that come along with such a thing. It wasn't until i got older and i started looking at other people's lives that i understood that there are people in this world who will go thier entire lives without finding what we already had. To me, that was significant and told me that i would be completely stupid to not be very grateful for what i had/have and to this day we both take every opportunity to let the other know how much this relationship means to us. We don't let the other ever feel unappreciated, unwanted, or unheard. We are very affectionate, and are completely comfortable letting eachother be who it is that we really are. There's no pretenses here. Nothing to have to fake. No fear of rejection or feeling unwanted or not good enough. We simply found a way to be totally at ease with who we each are...and that's the key.

[andrew]

It didn't work out the first time, why try and make it work the second, when you can just have a more enjoyable time with somebody new? Apathy and pity are the worst excuses for being in a relationship, if it's because he can't find anyone else etc. If you don't want to to, don't. There's plenty of other guys waiting for you.

[Bloah]

Simply No! =]