marriage problem

[DQueens]

For the past while now, my wife and i have been fighting. The thing is that everytime we fight she will tell me that she doesnt love me and hasnt loved me for years. this would be fine to excuse a comment like this (only i dont know how someone can say something like this if it is coming out of thin air) but it has happened about 10-15 times. I dont know what to do. I know that if i didnt love her anymore i would not want to stay married to her. however, when i think of it, there could be lots of reasons she would stay in this marriage if she didnt love me anymore. fear, not wanting to be alone, i support her, etc.

right now things are better. she has told me that she didnt mean it, and we are not fighting as much anymore. she is going to therapy. but those comments still haunt me when i think of the fact that people generally mean the things they say. that people dont always draw statements out of thin air, especially when they know it could sabotage their marriage. i am wondering what people think, if anyone has experienced something like this, or has ever made comments to hurt someone that they didnt mean whatsoever.

thanks.

[NotesMaeve]

My father was/is severely mentally ill and did this to my siblings and me throughout childhood as a means of controlling us. Best thing I ever did was dump his ass out of my life.

Telling someone something like that over and over is unforgivable in my book, but you have to decide if you can put up with that or not, bucko.

[Dan.Linehan]

Yeah, that sounds harsh, but I tend to agree.

I think her saying that she hasn't loved you for years is unacceptable. If she said it once in the heat of the moment, then apologized for it profusely, it might be forgivable. But repeating it time and time again. That's rough.

I should ask Erin to write a spiritual perspective on divorce.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

There is no spiritual imperative that says two people should stay together if they no longer love each other. That makes two people unhappy.

Man she's fast..

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think very often people are bound by pain and lash out in kind when the going gets tough. Although this is no excuse, it does explain why someone would say something repeatedly that they don't really mean deep down. There is something so hurtful inside of her that is being directed at you, though it may or may not have anything to do with you at all.

I think you shoud let her know that her method of argument is unacceptable. Support her with the counseling she is receiving. Come up with a way to deal with disagreements that is more calm and kind in approach. Do this together. Sit down when there isn't a big bust up going on and ask her to tell you truthfully how she feels about you and whether she is comitted to staying in and improving the marriage. Listen carefully to her responses and try to calmly respond.

Beyond that, if she is unwilling to make an effort to change this pattern or if she truly does feel that way, I would recommend at the very least a separation. You do not have to continue living in such hurt. It will begin to affect even the strongest of people after a time.

Good luck.

[Zukin]

Hi DQueens,

You may want to check out the books by Professor John Gottman. Unlike other marriage counselors, he's actually done extensive studies on romantic & interpersonal relationships using real married couples.

Amazon.com: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last: Books: John Gottman

Amazon.com: The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships: Books: John Gottman

Amazon.com: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert: Books: John M. Gottman,Nan Silver

[silicon toad2000]

A couple of things I have learnt that might help, or might not, dunno.

A fight is never about what it is about.

The whole don't love you thing... did it hurt? people in arguments say things designed to inflict the most pain with the least effort. Probably worked a treat the first time so it was dragged out in each subsequent fight.