friend who is shy & depressed

[konmai]

i have a friend who i initially met online on a forum we were on together for about a year. i really liked her posts & thought we were a lot a like which resulted in me asking her out. so we can get to know each other more.

it turns out she's very shy & depressed. every time she talks about what she wants to do, & i tell her to go for it, she always says she's just much too shy & depressed. she talks about her past a lot & has had a rough childhood. sometimes she even seems overly critical of others and is just disrespectful of me like when she leaves, she doesn't even say "bye." she tells me it's just her constructed wall... so she doesn't get hurt by anyone. i can completely understand that, but i don't know if i should continue allowing this? sometimes all her behavior makes me feel as if she's testing to see just how much bs i can take, but i also want to give her that benefit of a doubt... that she's just protecting herself being this way.

one thing i like about her is her honesty about herself. she seems like an open book whereas with other friends, i always have a sense that they're holding back. i guess right now i'm questioning the type of friends i want to have in my life.

i would definitely appreciate any insight into this. thank you!

[JimOfferman]

Hey Konmai,

First of all, I think there is nothing you can do to help this friend of yours, other than be the best friend you can be for her. In the end, the shyness and depression are her problems and only she can overcome them if she wants to. Only she has the power to turn her life around!

Originally Posted by konmai

she tells me it's just her constructed wall... so she doesn't get hurt by anyone.

You could try to point out that this wall she has constructed may ensure that she doesn't get hurt, but it also prevents her from receiving all the love she deserves. To receive love, you need to be prepared to expose yourself to it, which also means risk being hurt. Fortunately, there is plenty of love to go around in the world!

Jim.

[DrMartinRussell]

Originally Posted by konmai

every time she talks about what she wants to do, & i tell her to go for it, she always says she's just much too shy & depressed.

Mars & Venus is good on this. Maybe just different styles.

She probably is in complain / venting mode, rather than change mode.

Unless you want to be her therapist I think you are on the right track at the end. Using this experience as a mirror to your own situation is probably what will help the relationship best in the long-term anyway.

[AddictiveX]

Tell her to join this site or others like it, there are a few such as (.: The Community for Excellence :.) where she can get support for her depression and shyness and hope to improve her life generally, online groups like this are great.

[Brutha]

What kind of conversations do you have with her?
Face to face?
Phone?
IM?

Do you live in the same country?

[konmai]

thanks everyone for the responses. i really appreciate it, & they do resonate with me. i will apply it when making a final choice about my relationship with her.

currently, we only talk on IM. we're going to spend thanksgiving break together, which i'm starting to think maybe that's not such a good idea after all, if we're at this ambivalent point online. there's something about her that resonates with me a lot in that her stories are similar to mine, but i have chosen a different path from hers. i'm leaning towards allowing her to be while thinking of ways not to allow her to pull me down at the same time.

we're in the same country & about an hour driving distance away from each other.

[Chado2423]

You could use a Tony Robbins technique of leverage, and say "Doesn't your wall have any windows and doors? Why not open a few?"

[Ponce]

Better for you to meet her and find out than to wonder about it for ever.

[konmai]

oh. i've heard a lot about tony robbins. yes. i actually have not read any of his stuff. love that quote!

yep. i might just meet her & find out for sure, if this wall has any windows.