Any hope for this relationship?

[Honeywith4bees]

I was married for about 13 years to a man who was an abusive addict. He loved me, I am sure of that. We were teenage sweathearts together but as we grew and had a family, he relied more and more on substances and got meaner and more distant. He would treat us all terribly, disapear for days, then come back remorseful and full of promises and tales of how happy our lives were going to be. I always fell for it, because I wanted it to be that way, for me and for our kids. But when the hard work came, when it got to be the fourth or fifth visit with the Counselor or the mandated urine tests, it was always back to his old ways. I finnally got the courage to make him leave after I realized that I was just as responsable as he was for teaching my boys how to grow up to abuse woman because I kept allowing it to happen.

I spent a year after the divorce figuring things out about what I had done to attract such a man into my life.

My Dad loved me, of that I am sure. He was brought up under terrible conditions. His Dad was so abusive that his Mom ran away and left him behind when he was 8. My dad vowed to never harm us. He was emotionally as cold as ice. My mother tried to get him to go to Family Councilling to save their marriage and help him learn some skills, but it was too hard for him. He never touched us. No slaps, no kicks, no punches,no hugs, no head rubs, no sitting on his lap. Nothing.

So I worked on this issue (I thought) and after a year, decided it was time to test my self out and date again. It was hard to trust a man again, but I wanted it bad. I met a wonderful man and we have dated for three years now.

He loves me. I am sure of that. But he is happy to just do the "easy" stuff to keep our relationship going. He calls me every day. Takes me out to dinner every Saturday night. Does fix it projects at my house. Buys me gifts. Encourages me to be me. He is wonderful in many ways. I want a full time, live together relationship, and I have told him that many times over the course of the 3 years together. He says that he does not want to lose me, but can't get over his past failed marriage, and can't bring himself to take the risk of ruining the good thing that we have. 13 months ago, he said he would work on that with a councillor (his own idea), but still, nothing, he hasn't gone.

Reading through someone else's thread earlier this week, I had the realization that I have done it again. I have attracted a man who loves me, but isn't willing to do the emotional work to have a healthy relationship with me.

So know I realize that it is me who is sending out this vibration.

Can I change that vibration, and keep the man?
I know that I can't change him.
I know that I would never cheat on a person.
How can this work?????

Thanks for reading ~ Honey

[Angela]

Hey there, my little honeybee. It sounded like you were singing a country-western song:

He loves me, I am sure of that!
He's out drinkin' and screwin', the dirty rat
He won't give me what I need, but I can't kick him out
'Cuz I've got what I deserve, of that I have no doubt!

The relationship that needs looking at is the one you're having with yourself, beegirl. You keep on attracting the same daddy-guy over and over again because you decided early on that that's what love looks like.

Take a look at the landmark forum and see if it looks attractive to you. If it doesn't, please consider going to see a therapist ON YOUR OWN. You are trapped by an old painful decision made by a tiny little girl. It sounds something like "I am worthless" and you would benefit from some help dismantling the power that has over you, because left to your own devices, "I am worthless" will keep trying to strangle the vitality out of you.

You are loveable and valuable and you are a sparklingly delightful gift from the universe to the rest of us lucky souls. I hope you will reach out for assistance in unwrapping the veil that blinds you to your own fabulous self.

p.s. I found myself writing this whole durned thang with a country-western aya-ccent.

Landmark Education: Seminars, Courses & Landmark Forum if you're interested.

[Matthew Shea]

Angela hit on the self-confidence issues very well as always, so I'll give my take on the guy.

My read on your message, Honey, is that you're with a basically good guy who got burned pretty badly by his first wife. Is that accurate? If that's the case, I'd say give him some time and keep gently pushing him to see that counselor. You don't want to wait forever, of course, but wounds like that can run very deep from what I've seen. He may be permanently gun shy or he may get over it, but it's going to take time and you basically need to decide if you're willing to commit to that.

[Honeywith4bees]

Thank you Angela and Matthew for your balanced perspectives. They are very much appreciated. I plan to follow the wise advise of both!

[Rose of Cairo]

I have nothing to add, but I'm with you! Lots of love. Take care of yourself.

What about your boys? are they fine? I know from my own experience that having a dad who "relied more and more on substances and got meaner and more distant. He would treat us all terribly, disapear for days" (that's exactly my father) and a mom with problems is a hard thing for a child. Even if they seem to be happy and normal, I would take a hard look at your boys' emotional health and self-esteem and maybe help them in some way. I would have needed some help as a child/teenager.

[m38967]

hi---good luck to you and this relationship, atleast it looks like you're asking the right questions and seem fully vested in what the outcome could be. Try the therapy on yourself first, i mean by yourself, and then try couples counseling and if he really is open to that, that is a small feat right there. It is interesting the folks we attract and the crap we put up with before action is taken.

Good luck.