Befriending Shy People

[ZachHart72]

Does anybody have any advice on how to become friends with shy people, or at least make them more comfortable talking to you?

There is a person who is in most of my classes who is very shy, and seems to talk to almost nobody. However, once you get talking to them, they are a very cool person. Unfortunatley, because they are so shy, it is generally difficult to start a converstaion with them. I was wondering how i could go about becoming better friends with this person, short of just knowing them for a long time. and also without "nagging" them constantly, as that would just make them uncomfortable.

[Angela]

How about issuing a nice invitation to her? Like: "I would like to know you better, what's important to you, and I'd like you to know me, too. Would you like to have a coffee and talk this afternoon? Or maybe you'd rather let me know when you have a half-hour free?"

Sometimes shy people are overwhelmed by abrupt or demanding approaches and they often appreciate feeling like they're free to make a choice, and like they have an exit plan in place (hence the half-hour limit). Your saying you'd like her to know you, too, gently lets her know that she is not going to be required to do all the talking. I say "her" for convenience only; same thing applies if it's a male we're talking about.

I am speaking from the experience of being the Former Shyest Person on the Planet.

[Healthyfit]

Originally Posted by Angela

How about issuing a nice invitation to her? Like: "I would like to know you better, what's important to you, and I'd like you to know me, too. Would you like to have a coffee and talk this afternoon? Or maybe you'd rather let me know when you have a half-hour free?"

Sometimes shy people are overwhelmed by abrupt or demanding approaches and they often appreciate feeling like they're free to make a choice, and like they have an exit plan in place (hence the half-hour limit). Your saying you'd like her to know you, too, gently lets her know that she is not going to be required to do all the talking. I say "her" for convenience only; same thing applies if it's a male we're talking about.

I am speaking from the experience of being the Former Shyest Person on the Planet.

I am not sure if I agree...I am not shy but a letter might be a little creepy to some folks


I have befriended shy people by just being myself...if the friendship was meant to develop then it just did

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think she meant a verbal invitation.

[Love]

Yup, just ask them to do something non-threatening. They'll appreciate that you extended the invitation.

[Rose of Cairo]

I am the Former Shyest Person on the Planet too, and I find it very nice of you, ZachHart72, that you care about making them feel comfortable!

In my school years I talked to NOone and if someone talked to me, I got very panic. Such an invitation like Angela said would have made me freak out, lol. If you invite them to a coffee, make sure they know you have a time limit, that's an excellent idea! so they know, they will be dying at most for half an hour

I would say, give them a feeling that they are totally ok like they are. You don't need to say it, they will feel it. Just send a signal "you're ok, everything's ok". Don't stare at them, look away, and if you talk, talk about yourself first.

Why not sit down near them without talking till they are more familiar with you? Like doing homework together or sitting in the classes together or in the library? Just ask if it's ok you're sitting there, smile at them from time to time and don't talk. With time, they will get used to you and some day talk by themselves.

If you really find them ok like they are, and they are shy, don't force them to communicate. Isn't it great to spend time with them even when they don't talk? I don't know, but that's how it worked with me...

[Angela]

Yes, I meant a verbal invitation.

But now that you mention it, I would love to receive a notecard with an invitation like that! with little boxes I could check:
_ Yes, I'd be delighted
_ No, thank you very much
_ I will let you know at some point in the future. Don't call me; I'll call you.
_ Alternate proposal: (please specify)______________________

[Mark Lapierre]

What is it about this person that makes you say they're shy?

I ask because I probably appear shy to some people, but I'm simply quiet, and not comfortable approaching others. I have no problem with someone coming to me to start a conversation, though I might not say much if what they say doesn't interest me (which, since I'm very curious about most things, isn't much)

A notecard like that would get a laugh.

[ZachHart72]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

What is it about this person that makes you say they're shy?

Im going by the XKCD definition of shy Bottom of this Page

I am the Former Shyest Person on the Planet too, and I find it very nice of you, ZachHart72, that you care about making them feel comfortable!

In my school years I talked to NOone and if someone talked to me, I got very panic. Such an invitation like Angela said would have made me freak out, lol. If you invite them to a coffee, make sure they know you have a time limit, that's an excellent idea! so they know, they will be dying at most for half an hour

I would say, give them a feeling that they are totally ok like they are. You don't need to say it, they will feel it. Just send a signal "you're ok, everything's ok". Don't stare at them, look away, and if you talk, talk about yourself first.

Why not sit down near them without talking till they are more familiar with you? Like doing homework together or sitting in the classes together or in the library? Just ask if it's ok you're sitting there, smile at them from time to time and don't talk. With time, they will get used to you and some day talk by themselves.

If you really find them ok like they are, and they are shy, don't force them to communicate. Isn't it great to spend time with them even when they don't talk? I don't know, but that's how it worked with me...

I was a similarly shy for most of my life, and still am far more shy than i wish i was. I always kinda liked it however, when people went out of their way to make me feel comfortable talking to them, and some of those people are now my best friends.

I do realize it is somewhat judgemental of me to just assume this person is shy. But all indications point to that.

And i have been essentially doing the "sit down near them" method, but i dont go out of my way to do so very often for fear of being creepy.

This is why i am looking for a generalized way to make people feel more comfortable talking to me, or anyone. I think it would be a good life skill to develop.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ZachHart72

This is why i am looking for a generalized way to make people feel more comfortable talking to me, or anyone. I think it would be a good life skill to develop.

I think you're right, and that's a very generous approach to people, ZachHart72, wanting them to feel comfortable. Best wishes in that. Did you happen to see Steve's "Authentic" blog entry and the Mr. Rogers video that's linked to it?

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by ZachHart72

This is why i am looking for a generalized way to make people feel more comfortable talking to me, or anyone. I think it would be a good life skill to develop.

The qualities of people who have made me most comfortable are a ready, natural smile, and honest curiousity (meaning they didn't just ask how I was, but what I'd been up to, and whether or not I enjoyed it, and why, and where and when and with whom)

PS: Good ol' XKCD! Heh, I want that t-shirt.

[jsot]

I'm on the shy side too; unless I've known them for a really long time I get nervous around people, and I think what TC suggested is a great idea.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by Angela

Yes, I meant a verbal invitation.

But now that you mention it, I would love to receive a notecard with an invitation like that! with little boxes I could check:
_ Yes, I'd be delighted
_ No, thank you very much
_ I will let you know at some point in the future. Don't call me; I'll call you.
_ Alternate proposal: (please specify)______________________

Hah, if I ever get really brave, I might start handing those out with my number on it.