How to be sincerely interested in other people?

[Christian223]

Im facing this obstacle right now in my quest of becoming better socially, i recognize this is a KEY factor in beign more succesfull, but im having problems achieving it, any advice?, tips?, anything that helps?.

I care about other people, but somehow i find it hard to listen to what they care about, or say, for example just now my mother was talking to me and i just got very anxious to go back to my mind, and this happens with all people when they say something that doesnt link with my interest. It may be because im allways busy interally, allways thinking in things that interest me... so when someone comes with something else, it pushes me away from what I want... any ideas on how to overcome this more easely?.

[Phil Parkinson]

Originally Posted by Christian223

Im facing this obstacle right now in my quest of becoming better socially, i recognize this is a KEY factor in beign more succesfull, but im having problems achieving it, any advice?, tips?, anything that helps?.

I care about other people, but somehow i find it hard to listen to what they care about, or say, for example just now my mother was talking to me and i just got very anxious to go back to my mind, and this happens with all people when they say something that doesnt link with my interest. It may be because im allways busy interally, allways thinking in things that interest me... so when someone comes with something else, it pushes me away from what I want... any ideas on how to overcome this more easely?.

I think you may have self-diagnosed your problems.... i have something similar to this... it's like trying to hold a conversation with someone when you are writing an email. You just aren't sincere.

I would advise you to stop whatever you are doing when you speak to a person... shut the internal dialogue down... focus completely on the person in front of you or on the end of the phone. Try to be completely in that moment.

Listening is a skill and it can be enhanced.

I constantly have to remove myself from whatever I am doign in order to have a coherent and connected convo with someone.

Phil x

[cdn2wheeler]

Active listening, my friend.

Most of us - myself included, I'm afraid - tend to spend most of their time in conversation within their own heads, formulating responses, rather than actually listening to what the other party is saying. Steven Covey, in his seminal book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." That's active listening. (I think it's Habit #5.)

Try some of the techniques of active listening that you can find on any google search for 30 days.

[Mark Lapierre]

While looking up those active listening techniques, also be aware that there is some evidence that people in successful relationships don't practice any of them. In other words, active listening techniques may be helpful, but there's also more to it. Use them, but don't expect them to be all you need to do.

Meditation can be helpful in developing the ability to quieten your thoughts. You would still have to work on your interest in what someone else has to say, but at least your own thoughts would be less of a distraction. I think it would be particularly helpful for you, since you mentioned feeling anxious to go back to your mind. Meditation can relieve that anxiety by helping you to learn to just observe your thoughts without reacting to them. (and possibly reach a state where they no longer arise unless you want them to)

It can help if you try to relate their experiences to your own. If your experiences are limited then that can be difficult, but it's a good mental exercise as well; forming connections between seemingly unrelated topics is a useful skill, and a key component of creativity. (though be careful with doing so. If you constantly turn the conversation to your experiences you may appear self-centred)

[JimOfferman]

I'd say it all depends on your state of mind. If you can't block out your background thoughts and focus your attention on the person you are talking to, you can only pretend to be sincerely interested in that person. People will notice that you're pretending.

I would recommend you practice on focusing your attention. Try concentrating on what your mother says for two minutes next time she talks to you... from two minutes, move up to four, etc.

Before long, you'll be having hours of sincerely interested conversations

[m38967]

Hi---Christian: Are you saying that you're not able to concentrate when folks talk to you? Or are you saying that you're not particularly interested in certain people and what they are saying?

If it is the latter, then i can relate to you, within the last year or so, i have been having the same issue. It is not with everyone, mostly strangers. It's like im afraid of them, and dont want to get to know them or them to get to know me. I tend to not hold long conversations with people i barely know or like with friends of friends i dont know, im not interested and dont want to hear it. Not in a bad way, more like an intimacy issue.

[Christian223]

Thanks all, all of those are good advices, and i have been making some progress because of them, thanks. I also mixed some EFT with that

I would say that i do have an overall concentration issue, and to that there are other issues involved.

I have seen that besides not applying all those great suggestions you gave, i had deep issues, intimacy issues as m38967. Its incredible for me to find out that a personal issue can affect us in so many unespected ways.

Listening to people is giving them something from you, you are giving them your time, your effort, your consideration, your respect, and even your support, your recognition to them, could my problem be related to problems about giving?, i have found out that yes, i actually feared connection because of the danger of beign hurt, that is fear of intimacy, your mind tries to disconnect you from everyone else to keep you safe. At least this is what i have found out of myself, so if you happen you have similar problems as i, and beside following the great adivce that all the other people have been giving, i also recommend you to try to use EFT on those deep personal problems, i assure you that in a couple of hours i was actually able to increase my concentration by much, you would have to see it to belive it, the link is at my signature.

Thanks all.