On breaking promises...

[JimOfferman]

Just wanted to hear some of your thoughts on a little dilemma I faced the other day:

I had promised to be "just friends" with my friend/date. Since her last boyfriend has horribly betrayed her trust (as I posted earlier), I've been very determined to show her that some men (myself in particular) can be trusted. However, the last time we got together, I was definitely not getting a "just friends" vibe from her... but how could I respond to that, without breaking my promise? At the time, I was completely gridlocked between doing what felt right (hugging her or something) and doing what is right (keeping my promise)

Later, I felt a bit silly... of course, in this particular case, breaking the promise will benefit the relationship long term. Still, making clear that I (still) like her a lot and would like to pursue this relationship felt like a betrayal on some level, maybe even being untrue to part of me, even if it's for the best.

Was I being silly? Or not? What would you have done?

[Matthew Shea]

Sounds like it's time for "the talk". You know, the one that nobody looks forward to where you have to discuss where your relationship is headed.

Seriously, though, I'd suggest being honest about what you were feeling from her the other day in light of your promise to her and see if your perception is accurate. If it is and she's changed her mind and does want to pursue something romantic, you're not betraying anyone. Otherwise, a good friendship is a valuable thing, too. You can learn a LOT (as I've discovered) from a member of the opposite sex who trusts you and where there's no mutual romantic interest. Just building and maintaining that kind of trust between your friend and you could be a good challenge going forward with many positives.

[NotesMaeve]

I agree with Matt on this one.

Relationships change over time, but that time isn't always long. Ask her what she wants and make it clear regardless of what she wants, you're still friends. With my current boyfriend, I really didn't really think he was looking for anything but casual fun. He said to me after a couple weeks, "I really want to be your boyfriend, but I get the feeling you don't consider that an option." I said something along the lines of, "Well, I only thought that wasn't an option because you didn't consider it an option." What made for a really WEIRD two weeks wasn't that the interest wasn't mutual, but that two people were so stuck in social convention and a rut of pop psychology they just blew a tiny bit of time. Not a big deal, but I know better. The point is, you have to take a risk, a big one. She may break your heart, but you can't just wait it out, because she WILL move on.

[JimOfferman]

I wasn't planning on waiting things out - quite the contrary. I have a strong sense that I need to make a move at our next date (we're going to a concert next week) and that there shouldn't be too much talking involved. I've demonstrated that I'm trustworthy and reliable as a friend, now I need to show that I'm confident and comfortable as a (potential) boyfriend.

I only felt silly because I didn't realize this at the last date, because I was too caught up in the not-breaking-my-promises thing.

[NotesMaeve]

Remember though: This may take waiting even after a demonstration. Be patient. It's a good idea to demonstrate it, but don't count on things taking root immediately.

I don't pretend to know how you're feeling on this one, but when you meet a person you feel like you've been waiting your whole life for, opening yourself up and waiting can be an amazing experience in and of itself. Don't get swept up in the rush.

[Angela]

Jim, if I were you I would be careful to talk this out with the woman so you don't get blindsided.

If you and she made an agreement not to have sex, and then she continues to behave provocatively towards you, it's possible that her trust issues are running her unconsciously -- she might be acting out a little scenario to prove something to herself (about her desirability or the trustworthiness of men, etc.) and you can't really win if you're operating in the dark (so to speak! ).

I think it would be a good idea for you to bring the discrepancy out into the light -- to help yourself and her understand what's going on between the two of you emotionally. If you simply let the relationship slide into a a sexual one without being clear with one another, it's likely that some "reacting" will happen, leaving you wondering what the hell is going on.

You don't want to later hear, "See? I knew couldn't trust men! Even you, Jim, whom I thought I could trust!" It's kind of a blind set up.

[JimOfferman]

@NotesMaeve: I understand and I agree. I've never expected this relationship to go from naught to sixty overnight. But I do think it's time to shift from neutral into first gear. Other than that, no hurries.

@Angela: Thanks for the warning. I will talk to her about the discrepency. Btw. I wasn't necessarily thinking about sex yet. That is, I wouldn't mind if it happened, but I also feel that sex after the next date might be a bit too much too soon, for both sides. I'm not looking for a quick lay, but for something more substantial. If holding my john in my pants a little longer means he gets to go out and party more in the future, then all the better!